Partner and csa payments

[Justaquery88]

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

Our life insurance pays our mortgage off love. I dont get any cash to give to whomever i want you know?

Then up it the pay out. Your dps son doesnt cost less to raise, because your dp would have died.

Maybe youve not realised but id lose a shit lot more than dss would financially if dp died. But ofc, fuck me because im a 2nd wife. Fuck ds because hes got me lets only worry about dss and what he might lose

Why? You would have a mortgage free house. And, I presume, you have a job (like the ex does). And again, if it's not enough up the pay out amount.

Why have you positioned it that it must be your son or his that suffers. Why not cover both?

If your partner died, who get the house when you die? Your son? So your son inherits everything of his dads, but his half brother gets nothing?

Jesus wept.

I am also in a second family, now. I wouldnt see DS not benefit in anyway from his dad if his dad passed.

Again, when doing our insurance we calculated the amounts. I would keep the house, but dss would get look after too. It's not a choice between his kids and mine.

Oh and I am not having anymore kids. Because, if we split, I dont want being a single parent to impact my career again and I can carry on with the financial security I can currently offer my kids and DS. So yes, people do make hard decisions.

Well that does sound resentful to me. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone if I was feeling like I was "subsidising" them.

Says a lot that a stepmum is being vilified for giving a shit about her child and being serious about it How dare she!

But saying that the OP should have foreseen that her MIL might die suddenly whilst still in her prime (seeing as she could look after 3 children without being exhausted) is going way too far.

Good job I didnt say that then.

I said they should have foreseen one of many situations where mil couldnt/didnt want to keep doing free childcare

As far as I was concerned once we’d split I got everything i was ever likely to out of DH(dickhead) and if he chooses to not look after his own son in his will I guess that’s that.
However unless in Scotland I don’t think the second wife would have to split the assets amongst the children equally upon her death. BUT your DS might lose a sibling over it, which is priceless so maybe have a think when drawing up wills

Second families can work very well. My DSis married a man with a DS from a previous marriage and then they had 3 together. She was her DSS's primary carer for a few years, as his mum moved away when she met someone new. He played them off against each other, but his mum got wise to that so it didn't cause problems. He's now a well adjusted adult at 22 and in the army with a wife and 2 DC.

It can work, it just needs the adults involved to behave, well, as adults.

wax it doesnt bother me. It doesnt bother dh. He has less imcome than me because he (rightly) pays for his child so obv more of my wage pays for stuff. It enables us to have a nice life and support both kids.

If i resented it i wouldnt do it.

My will involves dss. Everything gets split equally when were both dead. Lets not make any assumptions eh.

kirk ive made plenty of hard decisions thanks. A rude lecture from an internet stranger wont change my mind.

Now you're contradicting yourself, because you said, "Me and dp have life insurance too. None of it will benefit the ex if he dies unless i say so anyway..."

Which isn't strictly true because if your partner or you died before he reached 18, his ex could benefit from the money left in the wills to help support the children while they are still children.

What's the point in him having thousands of pounds in a bank account to spend once he reaches adulthood when his mother would benefit from it to support him in his very expensive teenage years.

I can't keep up with it all.

Everything gets split equally when were both dead. Lets not make any assumptions eh.

And if you change your mind?

Still does make up for the fact that DS still costs the same to bring up, if dp passed away. You could easily remedy that. No one said you son should lose at DS expense. Both cab be accommodated.

I am not trying to change your mind. You volunteered the information. I responded.

I’d be surprised if a father didn’t leave something to his son to keep him going until adulthood... but who knows

Why? You would have a mortgage free house.

Good and rightly so if she’s been paying life insurance.

She would lose a lot more than dss though if she had to sell up to pay her dh’s ex wife thousands of pounds 🙄Let’s hope that doesn’t happen because it would be awful for her and her ds to lose their home.

kirkman why would i change my mind?

Because im an evil sm of course.... you wouldnt assume any mother would disinherit one child would you?

hugh his will leaves everything to me. If im dead the kids get it and vice versa. If im alive the ex cant have my house basically. If im dead dss would get half anyway...

Good and rightly so if she’s been paying life insurance.

At no point did I say she shouldnt get it or her son should be disadvantaged in favour of dss

Both could be sorted. Dss doesnt cost less because his dad died. Both children could be looked after.

Mortgage paid, money to make life easier for OP and dss taken care of.

I am the 2nd family, my ex has a son from a previous relationship. At 1st I did begrudge my ex paying for his son, but i got over it.

Luckly he is with someone who has grown up family.

Be surprised then chrissie hes not got owt to leave but the house and i wouldnt be selling it so what do you suggest he leaves dss if he dies tomorrow? Money he doesnt have?

How many nights does he actually have her?

Increase your life insurance then yo cover the mortgage and his other financial commitments ? Not rocket science is it @getyourarseoffthequattro

Not that you care, but I disagree with your partner.

He has only catered for you and your children in the event of his death.

If he was a really decent father, he would ensure his son from his previous marriage would also be provided for, for his day to day costs while he was still a child.

In fact if I was you I'd check out if his ex wife could force a sale on your home if he died to cover the remaining costs of his childrens upbringing.

No chrissie wont be doing that but thanks for your input.

why would i change my mind?

I dont know. I havent said you should or tried. You were the one claiming I was trying to.

I just disagree with you. Never entered my head you would change your mind.

I am a SM too. So no prejudice against that.

I disagree with you.

hugh i have and she cant.

Anyway this thread isnt about me and my shit husband and my worthless kid so shall we all just shut up about how awful i am now please?

@getyourarseoffthequattro if the cap fits

Ok chrissie why dont you crawl back under your bridge?