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Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
HughGrantsHair · 09/02/2020 17:39

Quattro - if your partner dies, his ex can still claim some of his estate for any children under 18. It's got nothing to do with you. He is still responsible for his children.

Your attitude is just as bad as the RPs/first wives you are constantly having a go at.

OP - do not pretend to be split up. You clearly aren't planning on actually splitting up so you won't get away with it when SD goes home and says Dad is still living with "OP".

She shouldn't lie about the number of overnights. However the onus is on your Partner to prove it. Do you really think she would stop all contact after all these years for the sake of £50 a month. He needs a court order. The £200 costs will be made made in 4 months of reduced maintenance.

It sounds like he's actually been ok with paying the increased maintenance for a long time. It's only because your circumstances have changed due that you want something done about it.

Don't stay bitter, do something about it.

DessertQueen · 09/02/2020 17:40

I think it's sad that there's so little sympathy for what must have been a distressing time.

I think sympathy may have been considerably more forthcoming had the OPs plan to deal with said difficult time wasn’t to stiff her partners other child 🤷‍♀️

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:47

Your dp has life insurance and his child, by another woman wouldnt benefit. Wow. Or are you one of these people who got wifi a man who already have kids then forget the loony is for the kids and think the ex is just getting loads of money for shits and giggles

Our life insurance pays our mortgage off love. I dont get any cash to give to whomever i want you know?

I know the money is for dss. The money from his wage. His life insurance is to ensure i dont end up homeless and vice versa.

Maybe youve not realised but id lose a shit lot more than dss would financially if dp died. But ofc, fuck me because im a 2nd wife. Fuck ds because hes got me lets only worry about dss and what he might lose.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:48

if your partner dies, his ex can still claim some of his estate for any children under 18. It's got nothing to do with you. He is still responsible for his children

"His estate" consists of one house which i joint own. She'd have a job.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2020 17:49

getyour I have to say you sound like you really resent being a stepmother. Why get involved with a man with kids if that's your attitude?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:50

Why is my attitude bad? Because id like to keep my house if my husband dies rather than giving his 15 year old thousands of pounds and having to sell my house and rent? Righty ho.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:52

wax why do i resent it?

Go on please explain since you know me so well Smile

What is resent is the disgusting attitudes against second families on mn. I resent the judgement they get for no reason. I resent the fact i get told i obviously resent being a step parent based on the square root of fuck all, to be honest.

Step parenting itself is hard, but fine. The judgement of step parents, mainly step mothers is vile.

HughGrantsHair · 09/02/2020 17:52

But hey, your DSS can lose his father, his resident family income can go down and he can now be supported solely by one parent while you stay in your house. That's ok isn't it? Wink

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:54

My own ds would ose his father. His income will go down by far more. And youd happily have him lose his home too?

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 17:54

Why is my attitude bad? Because id like to keep my house if my husband dies rather than giving his 15 year old thousands of pounds and having to sell my house and rent? Righty ho.

You’re not in the wrong. Flowers

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2020 17:55

Getyour

Im part of a 2nd family so try harder. Yes child support should come first.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 17:55

He is actually paying £30 ish per month more than the recommended minimum. According to the online calculator. Based on the days OP says the child stays.

If the mother won and it was believed its 48. Then he would need to pay £25 ish more than he does now.

He isnt over paying by a huge amount. That's why he hasnt gone to court, because the difference isnt that much.

Yet op would like to see him pay significantly less than that. Even though his wage is the same.

He isnt some hero eating vastly more than he thinks he should.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 17:55

paying....not eating Blush

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 17:56

Why should her ds lose his home?

Honestly I think some people are actually getting off on this.

Mittens030869 · 09/02/2020 17:56

DesertQueen

I agree. I'm not sympathetic about the financial situation, as I made clear in my earlier post. It sounds like resentment at having to tighten their belts financially.

But saying that the OP should have foreseen that her MIL might die suddenly whilst still in her prime (seeing as she could look after 3 children without being exhausted) is going way too far. Circumstances change and we have to adapt.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:56

willyou in that case i feel sorry for your children being put 2nd to their own siblings. Dont know about you but we treat our kids equally. Ds doesnt come second because he was born last.

HughGrantsHair · 09/02/2020 17:57

Are you making assumptions? Surely not.

Have I said I'd "happily" have him lose his home? It's crappy for all around. But do you know what makes bereavement even worse. Bitter and stubborn families. (Both first and step families).

I've been in both situations. I know it sucks.

But back to the OP. Who hasn't come back, so probably doesn't care. Only your partner can sort this mess out. Get him to, or you might be claiming maintenance yourself in the future.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 17:58

Thanks @funinthesun19 i know im not. These people are batshit. I bet theyd make the same decision as me if put in that position. Who makes their child homeless when they have another option?

HughGrantsHair · 09/02/2020 17:59

If Quattro doesn't want her children to lose their home, then her partner should take out adequate insurance to cover all of his children in the event of his death.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 18:00

Have I said I'd "happily" have him lose his home? It's crappy for all around. But do you know what makes bereavement even worse. Bitter and stubborn families. (Both first and step families

Well you have because all you mentioned is how bad for dss it would be. You never once mentioned my ds whod actually come out of it much worse even if i kept my home.

Im not being bitter but if you think its "bitter" to not make your own child homeless then fine.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2020 18:01

Well you were so insistent that my ex's partner is subsidising him in some way so you must believe that you are also subsidising your partner too.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 18:01

Fucking disgusting.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 18:02

wax i am love. Thats my point. Clearly gone over your head.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 18:03

Who makes their child homeless when they have another option?

Exactly. You’re making plans to ensure both children still have that home. Mainly your ds as it’s his only home. Why should your dh’s ex get to swoop in and take that security away?

Are you absolutely certain she can’t do that?

HughGrantsHair · 09/02/2020 18:03

Apologies Quattro, I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of your life. I was responding to a comment that you made. I don't have the time or inclination to read back through 18 pages on this thread to find out if you share a child with your partner.