Partner and csa payments

[Justaquery88]

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

There’s a difference between avoidable situations and non avoidable isn’t there ?

Any situation is avoidable. Shall we tell the single mum or the widow that your husband could have left you/died at any time so you should have ensured you could afford to raise them alone before you had them? No.

Thats the same as saying to op you shouldnt have had kids unless you prepared enough to cope on your own incase mil dies.

If we all prepared for every eventuality before we had kids nobody would have any.

I’m pretty sure there are lots of first children you could say shouldn’t exist because their parents can’t afford them.

But you won’t because you know it’s rude and disrespectful.

So he can’t go for a CAO because XW will get the 11yo to say she only wants to spend 48 nights with her father.

Yet you say he’s been paying CM for 11 years. Why didn’t he sort it out before then?

If he can’t afford to support 3 more children, don’t have 2 more goes at having them 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hate deadbeat parents with a passion. Expect the RP or the taxpayer to take responsibility for their choices. Ridiculous to have 3 further children with no back up for such things. Child support should take priority over all else.

Child support should take priority over all else

Even other children?

If so thats disgusting.

Most people have children without a "backup" are they all ridiculous too? Or os it just 2nd families you spout your vile hatred at?

The mother having money is not and excuse for a father to duck out of paying for their child.

Child care costs can be a nightmare, i get that, but you're hardly in a low income bracket! You each earn more than my family get, even including my disability benefit.

Should op have purchased herself a crystal ball before having any dc?

You dint need a crystal ball to know a woman who is a grandmother, may not always be able to provide full time child care. Lots of things could have happened which meant the mil could no longer care for the kids.

Are you really suggesting people dont think of worst case scenario when planning how many kids they have?

I had a large gap and stopped at 2. Because that meant, we could afford childcare. If dh already had a child we would have stopped at one.

We didnt have family help. So for me, worst case scenario was 'what if we split'. With 2, with an age gap, I could afford to be a single parent if dh dicked about. And we did split and I was financially comfortable on my wage.

If I had 3, or 2 close together it would have been a huge struggle.

It's not rocket science to actually think of these things when planning your family.

Are you really suggesting people dont think of worst case scenario when planning how many kids they have?

Clearly many first families don’t. They still ended up splitting up didn’t they? Hence why the cms even exists in the first place and we’re having this conversation.
Oh but that’s ok. It seemed like a good idea at the time

@getyourarseoffthequattro non if these situations happened though. And which of those situations would a step oatent be pushing to pay less than the legal minimum.

OP knew there was a child already to provide for. When planning family finances her and her husband continued to have children, knowing if childcare failed they would be fucked

That's their choice. I am sure some people cant afford their first child. And yes I would question it, if one of them already had kids.

If you cant afford to have a child because your dp already has kids, then choose a different dp or accept that's the situation.

I don’t think it is at all wrong to say that op should not have had more kids if she and dh cannot afford them. She wants to forget that his first child exists when it suits. She constantly refers to dc as ‘hers’, not theirs. They are both responsible for her. Op and her dh may have fallen on difficult times, but I doubt she would ever suggest not feeding or clothing her own dc.

My dm was widowed at 40 with 3 young children. My df had fortunately ensured we were well provided for but it was still a struggle for her, not that we ever knew that as children as she hid it so well. It is only as I grew up and had kids of my own that she opened up about her struggles and the stress of worrying that one day she wouldn’t be able to provide, even though we wanted for nothing. She certainly didn’t go off and start a new family that she couldn’t afford then complain about having to support us.

Clearly many first families don’t. They still ended up splitting up didn’t they? Hence why the cms even exists in the first place and we’re having this conversation. Oh but that’s ok. It seemed like a good idea at the time

What has splitting got to do with planning?
You can plan or not plan, doesnt impact wether it will happen.

Yes, people do plan on getting CMS when splitting. But daft, if you ask me. Especially when people out there will try and justify a person not paying it. Or people looking to pay as little as possible.

And I completely think that anyone starting a family should have a financial plan and several backups. To do so without is plain irresponsible. We are pretty comfortable, but I stopped at two dc, as that is what we can afford and manage in any circumstance.

I bought life insurance the day I got pregnant I figured most people do that. And I was 24 and from a council estate so hardly advised by great uncle Alfred who knows about tax planning but I did have a brain in my head

What has splitting got to do with planning?
You can plan or not plan, doesnt impact wether it will happen.

Well clearly it seems to have such a negative impact financially on children. Maybe people shouldn’t have had their children just in case they ended up getting a divorce.

ChrissieKeller61 Yup me too regarding life insurance. Plus I save whatever I can for them.

Well clearly it seems to have such a negative impact financially on children. Maybe people shouldn’t have had their children just in case they ended up getting a divorce.

I absolutely think people need to plan in the event of a split. That's why I never gave up work. I think people need to plan for it.

As I said. That's why I only had 2 and had a large gap. So I could afford it on one wage if I had to. CMS would be a bonus.

I also have several different insurances to cover critical illness, job loss etc.

So yes, I do think you should plan your family thinking about what happens if you split or (in this sitiation) your free childcare falls through.

I think once you do go through a break up it changes women’s outlook, men not so much.
I’d only have a child with a new partner if he deposited £1 million in my account before conception, I’m not even joking

So basically yeah then. First families can pop out as many kids as they please as long as daddy pays. 2nd families shouldmt exist because "whatif"

Me and dp have life insurance too. None of it will benefit the ex if he dies unless i say so anyway...

So yes, I do think you should plan your family thinking about what happens if you split or (in this sitiation) your free childcare falls through.

Honestly, I think the vast majority do not do this. Even the most responsible of people don’t think about every eventuality when they choose to have children.

So yes, I do think you should plan your family thinking about what happens if you split or (in this sitiation) your free childcare falls through.

It sounds like the MIL died well before her time, though. It must have been a very devastating loss, and I think a lot of posters are ignoring that in their desire to cast the OP as the evil stepmother.

You really can't plan for some of the things that happen in life. No one would ever have thought my FIL would suddenly die in a car accident at the age of 65; he was very fit and healthy. (I think my MIL had always been too dependent on him, though, and has been far too reliant on her adult DSs. She does okay now, 16 years on.)

First families can pop out as many kids as they please as long as daddy pays. 2nd families shouldmt exist because "whatif"

Nope anyone having kids should be thinking about what happens if?

2nd families need to take into account the fact that children already exist. Of course they do

First families should plan the same. Except theres no existing kids to consider.

Me and dp have life insurance too. None of it will benefit the ex if he dies unless i say so anyway...

This isnt about the ex. It's about him paying for his child.

Your dp has life insurance and his child, by another woman wouldnt benefit. Wow. Or are you one of these people who got wifi a man who already have kids then forget the loony is for the kids and think the ex is just getting loads of money for shits and giggles.

My, now, step son is in his twenties. Theres provision for him if DP passed away. Why wouldnt you?

Honestly, I think the vast majority do not do this. Even the most responsible of people don’t think about every eventuality when they choose to have children.

Most responsible people do plan. Maybe not enough. OP certainly didnt.

Any thread here about free childcare will tell people to think of what happens if that free child care disappears. I very much doubt, most people dont consider what happens if free childcare is no longer an option.

@Mittens030869 lots could have happened that meant mil providing free childcare couldnt carry on.

It's easy though to see mistakes in hindsight. Also, there wasn't any way they could have expected the change to happen so quickly. The MIL could have said that it was time for her to go away on a cruise, for example. They would have had a chance to plan for that

I think it's sad that there's so little sympathy for what must have been a distressing time.

I have sympathy for s distressing time.

Ehat u dot have sympathy is for people having subsequent kids and expecting the first I e to have less that minimum legal requirement.

The OP didnt need to have 3 kids. Or 3 kids close together. OPand her husband could have though about, what if she gets ill. What if fil (presuming their is one) gets ill. If theres no fil, what if mil meets someone and doesnt eant to be providing free childcare all week.

What if mil starts doing stuff the OP and her husband really dont like (happens alot) and dont want her looking after them.

Every family should have a proper think about their situation and impact on existing children and finances before having more. It's common sense.