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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
hotlava · 07/02/2020 16:25

It's wrong.

BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 07/02/2020 16:28
Biscuit
aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2020 16:28

I think the most sensible thing to do would be to take her to court to establish how many nights he actually has her, unfortunately. I know there's cost involved but morally this is the only right way. I'm not sure if there's another way to have this proved but it is the right response, regardless. Plus in all honesty she will probably report you if you do this unless you are very good at pretending not to be together, but that's no way to live.

flooredbored · 07/02/2020 16:28

It's a disgusting thing to do. I doubt anyone is going to be giving you tips about how to go about it.

lastqueenofscotland · 07/02/2020 16:28

It’s wrong and basically fraud.
Don’t have four children and then decide you can’t provide for them.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2020 16:29

Its not about his ex at all though OP. Neither it is about her current financial situation at all.

its about him supporting his daughter. How often does he have her.

And exactly how are you going to work it? Change address etc?

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:29

The problem
With court is the child is of an age to say whether they want to come or not and she has told partner she will get the child to say she doesn’t want to go.

OP posts:
HalfBiscuit · 07/02/2020 16:29

Of course you can't do that.

Azadewow · 07/02/2020 16:29

The amount the ex and her pernter earn are really irrelevant. The point of csa is they take a certain % of his income. If his money has gone down since the csa payments started then he needs to show him proof of that and they will lower his payments. But its his child, he ought to pay for the child's maintenance, and that has nothing to do with how much she earns. The child has 2 parents and they are responsible for the child. It was your choice to have 3 kids with this guy, should have worked out whether u can afford it beforehand. He has 4 children in total so it's only fair his earnings are divided on all 4 of them, not just your 3.

And tbf, child maintenance is adjusted anyway by the amount of kids he has, even if you are together.. U should be already getting a reduced amount

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/02/2020 16:29

Both morally wrong.

dawnc27 · 07/02/2020 16:30

arent his payments lowered anyway due to having kids living with you?

mummy2oli · 07/02/2020 16:30

Her financial situation is irrelevant, he should be providing for his daughter.
If anything go to court and get an official arrangement to show how many nights he has her.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2020 16:31

It is wrong and YABU.

It makes NO difference how much money she has or whether she is a nice person or not. Your partner has a duty to financially support his child and he is a scumbag if he tries to find ways to lower that payment.

It's not your partner's ex's fault you are in debt, that's your problem.

ColaFreezePop · 07/02/2020 16:31

Your OH's DD will tell her mother the truth so you will be found out - remember these are her 3 half-siblings - and you will both be in more hot water.

If your OH has the child more than she is willing to admit then either you stick to the agreement you have so you refuse to have her OR you need to go down the legal process.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/02/2020 16:31

What i mean is, you cant pretend to break up so payments are lowered. He still has an obligation to pay, even though she earns loads.

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:32

This is what we don’t understand thought with our first the payments went down by £40 then we had twins and they have only went down by £20

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2020 16:32

And if your partner can't afford to financially support his first child maybe he shouldn't have had 3 consecutive children.

Thesearmsofmine · 07/02/2020 16:33

That would be disgusting and how will you go about it? Are you going to live separately?

It doesn’t matter how much ex and her partner earns. If he is having the child more often then document it and go trough court.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wink1970 · 07/02/2020 16:33

Slightly less judging here, I think the better way to deal with it is to prove how often you have the child. Can you get 'witnesses' e.g. the school or neutral people who see he stays at yours more often?

atomicblonde30 · 07/02/2020 16:35

Has everyone missed how the ex lies about contact in order to gain more money from the dad? That’s fraud too you know, unfortunately you’re right without the court order there’s nothing much you can do. It’s £255 to file a child arrangements order and if you’re on a low income you may get that fee waived.

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:35

No there’s no neutral witnesses her family and his family hate each other. So no one will come forward to back him up. He has her every other weekend one night during the week most weeks and a week at Xmas and two weeks in summer

OP posts:
Butterflyflower1234 · 07/02/2020 16:36

I think this is utterly wrong and potentially I could be in your position.

You want the child to suffer just because her Mum and DSD have decent jobs and can afford nice things. You and DP need to step up and sort your jobs out to get paid more. Do not remove money rightly owed to a child. £300pm is nothing.

Azadewow · 07/02/2020 16:36

A basic 3 second Google search says, one new child =11% reduction of payments, 3 or more children =16% reduction

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:36

And we don’t want to lower contact in line with what he pays as we love her and love her being with her brothers

OP posts: