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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 07/02/2020 16:47

The reason step mums get a bad name right here. Oh no the family budget is tight (really at 71K!). Fuck the step childs payments then she can go without because her mother will pick up the pieces.

Stronger76 · 07/02/2020 16:48

A very very quick number crunch on the .gov cms calculator page suggests that using the following info - 1 child to pay maintenance for, 3 further children living with you, 1-2 nights per week - your dh has an income of £41000.

Plus if you're adding to the pot, your household income is way more than most.

As pp have said, it really doesn't make any difference what the ex earns, your dh has a moral and financial obligation to pay for ALL his children.

I wish I earned half your dh salary - I have to rely on WTC to support my 2 children but I'm busting a gut every day and cutting costs on everything to provide for them.

MrsAgassi · 07/02/2020 16:48

Did his ex go on to have other children? If not then that’s why they have more disposable income for holidays. Whatever their circumstances, it doesn’t mean they should pick up the slack because her father doesn’t want to financially support her.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Azadewow · 07/02/2020 16:49

If your child is with the paying parent between:

52 and 103 nights: child maintenance is reduced by 1/7th for each child
104 and 155 nights: child maintenance is reduced by 2/7th for each child
156 and 174 nights: child maintenance is reduced by 3/7th for each child
175 nights or more nights: child maintenance is reduced by 50%, plus an extra £7 a week reduction for each child

Based on what u said u have her 99night a year so u should get the first tier reduction

CakeandCustard28 · 07/02/2020 16:49

Isn’t that border lining fraud? Don’t be a dick. You get plenty of income, budget and manage better.

WanttogotoParis · 07/02/2020 16:49

Wtf did you have three children with a man who couldn't afford anymore because he already had one?

His exes income has nothing to do with it.

OneForMeToo · 07/02/2020 16:49

Just remember op how he treats his ex and child is how he would treat your and yours if he left.

Greysparkles · 07/02/2020 16:51

71k and you can't pay!!!!
How much are you suggesting it's lowered to? Does he provide any extras, for uniform, trips, mobile phone bill etc?
I suggest you look at cutting back elsewhere/taking on overtime or another job tbh. You don't just get to stop paying for a child.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2020 16:52

I am sorry for the loss of your MIL. But this isnt the way to do it. If she is saying to the CSA you have her 1 night a week presumably the 1/7 reduction is already in and even if not and it should be the second tier that is still 220 he should be paying for his daughter.

I am sorry you now have childcare that must be tough but there must be other ways of cutting back that this.

YgritteSnow · 07/02/2020 16:53

So you're shit with money and want to reduce child maintenance payments, which have been legally calculated by the CSA so you will have more disposable income. You basically want an 11 year old child to pay your debts? Am I right?

WanttogotoParis · 07/02/2020 16:54

Obviously we wouldn’t want to deprive her. When the child spent Xmas in Dubai, is going skiing for mid term and has a two week holiday in Florida in the summer the child is not deprived at all believe me

But all of that's got nothing to do with you.

It's beyond me why women have children with men that already ha e responsibilities, then they don't like it.

Azadewow · 07/02/2020 16:54

So basically u could only afford the 3 children u have if his mum did thee childcare... U should have planned better then, and not count on a family member to give free childcare.. Because shit happens and one day they might change their minds or be unable to....

Techway · 07/02/2020 16:54

Justaquery88, the Ex has similar income but with only 1 child she can afford more holidays. You are in an expensive time but it is really not the Ex's fault. Feeling resentment because she has a better life is not healthy. Work towards making your life feel better but the reality is with 3 sets of childcare it WILL be tough for a few years.

Your partner's contribution is less than £10 per day, what do you think you should reduce it to?50% if it was split it would be £5 per day of you and the Ex.

Forget about the amount of contact time as it only affects the payment to just over a £1 a day so isn't that material and will just cause conflict.

When your children are older and not in childcare life will be easier so just focus on getting through the next few years.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2020 16:56

You shouldn't have planned to have children based on your MIL looking after them. That's on you.

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:56

No I resent she says we only have her 48 days a year

OP posts:
adaline · 07/02/2020 16:56

Would you be happy if he decided not to pay the right amount of maintenance to you if you split up?

MummyJasmin · 07/02/2020 16:58

Are you taking the p1ss OP?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 07/02/2020 16:58

Go get a court order to say you have her more then obviously.

icelollycraving · 07/02/2020 16:59

He earns similar to her, you earn whet 20% less than her partner. You chose to have more children when it seems you can’t afford them. Your £300 a month isn’t exactly funding their lifestyle. To make out you don’t live together is shit really. If he suggested it, I’d be wondering if he would pull the same stunt a few years down the road with me.

IndecentFeminist · 07/02/2020 17:00

Honestly, why mention the others' incomes when they are so similar to yours? You made a mistake assuming you would have free childcare forever when financially planning for 3/4 children. I assume you did work out the sums beforehand? You just need to roll with it tbh. Your kids will get older and childcare needs will change etc.

YouFellAsleeep · 07/02/2020 17:00

What makes you think he shouldn’t have to provide for his daughter?! It doesn’t matter what kind of lifestyle she has with her mum, her dad still has a responsibility to support his child financially.

Imagine if you and your partner split up and he decided to come up with some plan to not provide for your children?

You’re both disgusting people to try get out of paying maintenance.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/02/2020 17:01

You're a disgrace and I hope you get found out.

You should have thought about this before having more kids. Pathetic

Thetellyisjelly · 07/02/2020 17:01

Op
You are greedy.
Greedy and selfish. So is your partner.
HTH

conduitoffortune · 07/02/2020 17:02

Oh how very dare the child's mum take her on nice trips. Do you really think £300 is even close to half of the cost of raising DSD? You're acting like your DP is financing Lamborghinis and Maldives holidays for her Hmm

Anyway, you've mismanaged your money, here is the solution: get a second job. The obvious option before stealing money from a kid.

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