Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
Mummyscrewedup · 07/02/2020 17:30

Child existed at the start of your relationship. Your choice to continue.

shitwithsugaron · 07/02/2020 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatellarTendonitis · 07/02/2020 17:36

It's beyond me why women have children with men that already ha e responsibilities, then they don't like it.

This! Never understood that. How on Earth is a person with so much baggage even attractive when you're young and single and childfree?

YABU. He'd be a total scumbag to do this.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/02/2020 17:42

The thing is if you do this once, he’ll definitely do it again when you split up.

10FrozenFingers · 07/02/2020 17:42

If OP's DH fell under a bus tomorrow nothing much would change for his oldest child because she has 2 working adults in the household earning good money.

OP would be up shit creek due to a series of unfortunate circumstances.

OP get the maintenance reassessed

If the ex was a decent human being she'd be honest about the number of days spent with her DF. But she isn't is she?

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/02/2020 17:42

This has pissed me off so much. My ex and his delightful sidekick have pulled all the sort of shit you are to avoid maintenance. How dare you. It’s disgusting.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GimmeTheSnacks · 07/02/2020 17:47

Who paid for his eldest child's nursery when she went?

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 07/02/2020 18:13

OP your DH's ex's household income and standard of living is irrelevant.

His two options are to either continue paying the set amount or go to court and formally establish how many nights he has his daughter and then apply to be reassessed by the CMS. This is the only legal way of changing the situation.

It is illegal to knowingly defraud the CMS and also morally reprehensible.

I understand that childcare is very expensive particularly when you have twins but this situation is not fixed and will be alleviated when your DC are all of school age.

stuffedpeppers · 07/02/2020 18:17

39K on less than 52 gets her £320 pcm

On the next scale which is where you would allegedly be it goes down to £280. As EOW one night in the week and 3 weeks f holiday is under 100 nights

So currently on your scale she gets £20 per week more than you think she should have and has already taken a 25% cut because he had more children!!

Morally wrong and illegal. I would dob you in

stuffedpeppers · 07/02/2020 18:24

You are talking £20 that is a piss in the wind against child care.
Sorry combined income £71K - you are not poor.

LouHotel · 07/02/2020 18:30

OP I imagine childcare for 3 kids is likely to be £3,000 a month so leaving you with £1,600 to live on which admittedly depending where live is a struggle and I sympathise.

But presumably your eldest must be close to receiving funded hours then it's at most two years till your twins recieve it aswell.

It's two years unfortunately you have to deal with it.

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 18:38

I never said I was def going to do this I didn’t need to be told morally how wrong it was. I am pissed off she gets to lie and it will just cost us more to prove it. Childcare costs is crippling us atm. I hate that when dsd comes to see us we can’t do anything fun it’s boring all the time for her. Mine are too young to notice how boring it is. I am not a horrible person at all I find it all quite unfair that we don’t have £300 for our three kids spare at the end of the month but the ex gets it for hers.

She has two more children so three compared to our four. It’s frustrating I’m not going to pretend it isn’t and I take my hat off to anyone that in the same situation wouldn’t be a tiny bit pissed off

OP posts:
EL0ISE · 07/02/2020 18:46

Childcare costs is crippling us atm. I hate that when dsd comes to see us we can’t do anything fun it’s boring all the time

But surely the childcare is for your JOINT children and not your step child ?

Didn’t you know that childcare is expensive before you had kids ? Or were you assuming that family would do it free forever ?

It doesn’t costs much to take your step daughter to the park . Or her dad could take her swimming or out for an ice cream. There’s plenty low cost or free things to do with kids if he does a bit of research.

You don’t have to take your little ones too, it’s her dads job to entertain her when she’s at his house.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 07/02/2020 18:51

Why is it only her word that's listened to regarding the overnight stays?

Can you not look into alternate childcare. A nanny might be cheaper?

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 07/02/2020 18:51

The ex doesn't have £300 spare at the end of the month for her child!

She has a £300 mandated financial contribution from her daughters biological father to put towards the cost of raising her daughter.

IndecentFeminist · 07/02/2020 18:57

She won't have much more disposable income than you then. Only one fewer children and marginally higher salary.

Tattooedmama · 07/02/2020 18:58

I had sympathy till you stated your income Hmm

Try living on a joint income of 25k ffs, get a grip.
and my partner has to pay maintenance and extra

SleepingStandingUp · 07/02/2020 19:02

Just get him to quit work and be a SAHD. You'd save on childcare and he wouldn't have to pay her a penny. Sorted.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2020 19:05

Ok so if she was telling the truth it would be 233 not 300 but it is still a chunk. The circumstances of how she lives and how she holidays dont matter

So if you did it and her payments went down to 109 or 150 depending on the nights how exactly would you have enough money to put 300 into a savings

It is ok to feel bitter than your MIL died and that it has put you in this financial hole whilst his ex gets to go to Dubai and that she downplays the number of nights so you pay £80 too much. But really she isnt the problem and I think you know it

There must be plenty of ways you can save the money

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

10FrozenFingers · 07/02/2020 19:10

OP only wants what is fair and legal.

The ex is the dishonest one here.

Boom45 · 07/02/2020 19:32

I don't even understand how what you're suggesting would help. If you "pretended" to split up you'd need another house and all the expenses that go with that, surely that's more expensive than whatever % they'd knock off £300. It just sounds vindictive.
It's not your partner's ex fault that you are in debt and he really should pay for his child.

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swipe left for the next trending thread