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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 19:34

It’s the ex that is lying to get more money and Is using child as a pawn to get it not us! We haven’t stopped paying it was a thought I had.

OP posts:
getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 19:36

You shouldnt do that op. Can you not get her to confirm your nights via text and get your evidence?

Start taking photo evidence to prove youve had the kids when you say you have?

Dont try and defraud her it will bite you in the arse.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/02/2020 19:37

Wow you are a delight.

Greysparkles · 07/02/2020 19:40

For the previous poster on a joint income of 25k I’m very sorry you or your partner didn’t get educated to get better jobs that’s your fault not mine

Well, it's not your dh ex's problem you don't earn enough to pay childcare for the children you chose to have 🤷‍♂️ it certainly isn't your DSD problem

floatyjosmum · 07/02/2020 19:40

My ex did this and all it showed to us what that his new family meant more.

HalfBiscuit · 07/02/2020 19:43

For the previous poster on a joint income of 25k I’m very sorry you or your partner didn’t get educated to get better jobs that’s your fault not mine

Nice!

And why is it DSD's mums problem that you had more children and your DH can't afford to support his firstborn? Why don't YOU just earn more money? Since you think that it's the PPs fault for not being educated enough to earn a higher salary.

stuffedpeppers · 07/02/2020 19:43

You hate the fact that your DP gives the EX anything - but he has a child he is responsible for contributing to. If he got off his arse and use the CSA properly he could prove he needs a £20pcm reduction.

Nothing i going to make you happy because you do not see why your DP should contribute anything. The EX is rolling in by £20 because your DP can not be arsed to get it corrected.

Shame on her - put it back to the bare minimum because that si of course the right thing to do.

Sorry you give SMs a bad name - and no you do not want what is fir and legal you don't want to pay at all.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2020 19:45

THe thing is OP telling the truth would save you £80

With your annual incomes you are taking home 4500k taking out her 300 payment you have £4200 a month that is surely enough for you to budget on. Indeed you are stressing over 7% of your outgoings

You are looking at the wrong area I think because you are annoyed by the £80.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lollybee1 · 07/02/2020 19:53

But surely you knew he had a financial commitment to her before you hot together and started having kids. I would have well backed off by then.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2020 19:58

So OP why didn't you get a higher paying job so you can afford to pay childcare? That's your fault, not your partner's ex's.

If that's the way you're going to be towards others, people could say the same to you.

Livelovebehappy · 07/02/2020 20:03

£300 pm = £10 per day. That wouldn’t house and feed a medium size dog, yet you think it’s too much for your DH to contribute towards his daughter.

Becathx92 · 07/02/2020 20:04

but if it costs her £300 a month to look after her child then where are we supposed to get this £900 to look after our three.

That's not her problem, that's YOURS.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:05

livelove maintenance isnt supposed to pay to house and feed kids. Its a contrubution towards that.

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 20:15

People have attacked my character with nasty comments I bite back and I’m the worst

What is the point with aibu when all people do attach you when you ask for advice

I asked a question I didn’t say it was something we were going to do get I was painted to be an evil monster. That hates my sc. which couldnt be further from the truth

OP posts:
RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotlava · 07/02/2020 20:19

You are so jealous and bitter

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 20:19

I didn’t chuck teddies out of the pram the first couple of replies but it’s a bit much with comments making out I’m horrible or shouldn’t have had my three children who I love and raise on my own money I don’t claim any benefits for them
So I can well afford them but extras for them that their ss gets lots of would be nice

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 07/02/2020 20:20

Don't post on AIBU,if you don't want the comments.

aroundtheworldyet · 07/02/2020 20:20

I mean did you really think this thread would work out for you! Hmm

I can’t believe you would have three children when you can’t afford them.

aroundtheworldyet · 07/02/2020 20:21

But basically you’re jealous that someone else is richer than you are. I mean that’s life love.

Original poster
Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 20:22

Not jealous they are richer angry that she can lie and get away with it

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 07/02/2020 20:23

First of all, what he pays in maintenance is based in his salary, not the household income, and yes, he would pay less if he reports there are other kids living with him or not.

You are not paying maintenance, and even if she was really rich, he would still need to pay it as hit is calculated on the basis of the non resident parent. It is too late to say he shouldn’t have agreed to have children he couldn’t afford, but the least thing he can do is to continue paying the less than 15% of his net salary to raise his first child.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:23

I can see why the inequality between children bothers you. Its natural to feel that way.

The thing with MN, op, is that mners only care when that inequality leaves the first child with less. Unfortunately second families are expected to literally come second to the first children.

Your plan is not a good one, so please dony do that but remember it wont be this way forever. I imagine having 3 young kids is tough financially. It can only get better.