AIBU to not send children to private school even though we can afford it?

[Wipingsides]

I'm sure it's been asked a million times before, but need some reassurance! We have decided to educate our children through the state system. It was never a difficult decision as up until recently we just couldn't afford otherwise - we chose instead to live in the 'nicest' area possible and as a result the state schools are good-outstanding, and the families/ catchment generally nice and safe. However, lately as our financial circumstance have improved and as we go through the transition to secondary school with both children I'm feeling we aren't 'doing the best' by the children by choosing to stick with the state system. Neither my DH or I were privately educated and our values are firmly in the 'work hard & you'll do well' camp... plus I just don't think you can necessarily buy your way out of all the adolescent issues children will face in this next stage of their education. But why then do I feel guilty?!

It really depends on three things: the state school in your are, how much time you have, and your kids.
if you have confident, loud, extrovert kids without SENDs and decent state schools, they will do well. if you also have the time to get them to activities to broaden their horizont - great.
if any of these are not the case, a good (!!!!) private school is better

If they are clever and driven then I don’t think it will make a difference OP
I was privately educated and I’m a primary school teacher, 🤷‍♀️
Out of my year group (the ones I know) we have
4 primary school teachers
3 doctors
2 solicitors
1 barrister
3 or 4 in finance
3 business owners
1 National radio presenter
3 artists/ jewellery designers
Umpteen SAHM’s
And a few flunks....

You’d probably get those stats in most year groups tbh...I REALLY don’t see the hype in private education!!

YANBU, obviously.

Don’t worry about feeling guilty. I think that most parents feel guilty about something all the time!

It really is about the particular schools and your particular child. Independent does not necessarily mean better (and I speak as someone who has DCs in private schools).

You have to look at the specific schools they could get in to. And by that I mean being reasonable about catchment first state schools and any academic tests if you are going for grammar or selective independent. There is no point in beating yourself up about not sending your child to ‘St Perfect’s’ indie if they won’t pass the entrance exam.

So, go to all the open days you can. Talk to staff, pupils, and parents. And decided which is the right school for your child.

It may be the state, it may be the independent but at least you will have made the decision based on your own impressions, not on some amorphous ideal.

Good luck. I’m sure it will be fine.

It depends entirely on the schools in question. We moved our two to private at the point DS1 was going to secondary school because we weren’t happy with the local state provision. If we had been, we would not have done so.

I really think what matters most, is the support that the kids get at home, and the support the adults give the school, requiring courtesy and compliance, and the value the adults place on education.

If you feel the school is lacking in a core subject, or your kids could do with a boost, you will be able to afford tuition to enhance their school learning.

It’s not going to be a popular opinion, but I think there is definitely some social and professional advantage to be derived from a private education. Who you meet, the opportunities you are given (sport/drama/debate/trips), the ‘cache’ that goes with an employer or prospective client asking where you went to school and you saying “Marlborough”, or whatever.

And I don’t even agree with private education.

It depends entirely on the quality of the two schools you’re considering, plus a good slice of how ‘driven’ your kids are.

I’m contemplating sending DD to the private school I work at. It’s one of the decent ones, albeit not in the top league. But there are some rubbish private schools around, paying directly is not a guarantee of quality.

My state catchment school has a decent reputation but I’ve recently worked in the state sector and am not massively optimistic about them, given our current political situation.

We also have the potential for her not to get in there, because lots of houses have been built recently. The next nearest is likely to be an absolute ‘sink’ school- it has a dire reputation and a revolving door to the staff room. I would give up work and home educate her before she went there, to be frank. I went to a pretty shit state school myself and wouldn’t wish the experience I had on a dog.

I'm very happy with the state option of secondary. If I'm honest I'm a bit 'morally' opposed to private schools - and this may be unpopular too, but I can't help but feel they can churn out somewhat entitled and blinkered young adults. We live in a beautiful house, in a wealthy suburb, go on amazing holidays etc etc - I guess I want my children to see the 'real world' and mix with all types of people.
One is incredibly academic, the other less so but very creative and bright nonetheless... they are both lacking in confidence for sure and I know that is something private education does seem to bestow...

The question I keep coming back to is, just because you can, should you?

Don’t underestimate the difficulties some children can experience when they start a secondary private school, having only been to state before, especially when they have no friends already there and possibly don’t have a monied background to fit in.

Do the local state schools have good reputations and offer any courses your DC are particularly interested in. Private schools often have excellent groups to join and give students a lot of confidence. I would do it if the private school has great reviews.

Neither me or my husband were privately educated - but we could definitely afford to send our children to private schools if we wanted. We've done similar to you and we've moved to an area that puts us comfortably into the catchment for a very good state school. Also we will hopefully always be there to help support our children ourselves or with tutors.

We wanted them to mix with people from all different backgrounds like we did - not just people with money. We personally felt that this was the only thing we wouldn't be able to teach them ourselves. When it comes to academics there are always extra curriculars and tutors available.

However... we'll still wait and see what the future brings. If our children (currently just one 5 month old) have any additional needs then we wont rule out private school.

We will send our DC to state school despite being able to afford private.
The local state schools are excellent. Come out in top 10 in the country every year.
If we get a duff teacher one year in a certain subject or DC needs help with a particular subject then we'll get a tutor.

I actually resent that there are private schools at all as it leaves parents like you (and me) feeling that niggle of guilt despite us having achieved having gone to state schools and our able kids both perfectly happy and thriving in good state schools.

It's surely better to send your kids to state if you can? Much better for them to mix with a wide range of people, and also private school seems to count agains kids sometimes when it comes to university admissions etc. My DH and I were both privately educated and we both have good jobs now - we could fairly easily afford private. We could also afford a bigger house in a nicer area rather than a small terrace in a scruffy road in zone 4. But our life is here, our friends are here, our kids' friends will be going to the local comp. it doesn't have the best results but I've heard pretty much nothing but good things about it, plus it's just round the corner. So I think that's what we will go for.

I think the main reason I would think about opting for private is the funding crisis in state schools. It does worry me that schools are continually losing funding and having to cut back and back and back. I do have a bit of a yearning for the facilities of private schools. But I want my children to be educated in the community in which they live, not be segregated by parental income (or religion, for that matter, we would be eligible for church schools too).

DH and I were both privately educated - from 7+ as a boarder from overseas (DH) and from 11+ as a boarder with 100% scholarship (me).

Our children, one just left school, one in Year 12, have been state-educated throughout. Like you, we live in a place where these local (non-selective) schools are very good indeed. We could, just about, have funded private education - or followed SiL's lead, where FiL pays all fees for her 3 children - but chose not to.

DS is a musician, now at conservatoire, while DD is likely to pursue a more mainstream academic path post school. Both have very good GCSEs (in DD's case, excellent ones). DS has really good A-level grades 'to fall back on'. Both have led rich and varied extra-curricular lives, at community provision that in many cases exceed in standard those that could be provided by any one individual school. Both mix with anyone, can take a wide range of views and needs into account when considering any question affecting 'the wider society', and have a deep, though subtle, self-confidence that is the opposite of brash.

Yes, they might have acquired a little more obvious 'polish' elsewhere. Yes, they might show their self-confidence in a more overt way. Both might have achieved maybe 1 higher grade in 1 GCSE.

Do we regret our choice? No. It is also always worth remembering that, except in the case of the most extraordinarily selective schools, the route in at a slightly later date is almost always possible. The route back into state is much less easy.

HOWEVER, it does depend critically on the specific schools you are comparing - locally, the private options are not (with 1 exception) notably better / more academic than state.

We sent our dcs to private school despite having an outstanding school they could have gone too. As a teacher myself I can see where the school system is going. Bigger classes, massive cuts and reduced extra curricular activities. Teachers who are stressed and put upon. Teachers who are forced to teach to test with a dry curriculum. Children who are struggling are left behind with funding and help cut and cut.

That wasn't an environment I wanted to put my children into. It s not an environment where I thought they would strive.

Money buys you the choice of educating privately but not the obligation

Pick the school that you think will best fit your children and your family. In some situations state is the better option in others private is.
My DC are in private because that was the right option for them. Other children might hate going to that school.

Actually, mummyrocks, that is a really good point about funding.

I live in a historically desperately underfunded county, and funding has never been easy for schools - but I can see that it's going to get worse, and had my children been at the start, rather than at the end, of their school career we might be making different decisions.

We have done this. Also not privately educated ourselves but high achievers I suppose. We did visit the private schools but I just never felt comfortable there. We like and understood the state system. So far everyone is doing very well. You'll know what's for the best.

The only thing one friend who did similar said she thought SHE missed out on were social occasions as all her friends children were in a different school, so no cheese and wine or PTA meetings or carol concerts with that circle. Thankfully didn't apply to me!

Yes can- it's a sad situation. I would have happily sent them to the local primary school before but it breaks my heart the way the education system is going. Excellent teachers are leaving in drones.

We also live in an area with historical underachieving schools at a national level. When I looked at the local secondary school in our catchment area it had a 30-40% pass rate of grades A-C. We would have had to move house or out the city to get into a decent secondary school. We didn't want to, we love where we live and didn't want to pay stupid prices for a house in a hood catchment which was no bigger than our current one.

I hate the views of some on here though. Not all private school children grow up to be entitled, rude and spoilt. I was worried about my dcs growing up in a rich bubble and DH and i not fitting in when we made the decision to send dcs. But I actually found generally people are very down to earth, some turn up to school in battered old cars, most work to afford the fees and many go on only one holiday a year, usually a cheap UK holiday. Yes, there are some very rich families, but generally they are normal people. I don't think my dcs are growing up in a bubble and I certainly won't let them grow up spoilt or entitled.

For complicated reasons I temporarily have one child in a private school and two in a state school. Honestly, except for the excellent sports provision, the private school isn't really any better than the (very good) state school. Yes the class sizes are smaller, but if you have bright hardworking kids I don't think it makes much difference. The teaching is the important thing IMO - and state school teachers are just as good / better than private school ones.

I've always been opposed to private schools but knowing what I know now about state education as a soon to be ex-teacher, I'd send my children private. Mine are now in 6th form and year 10 so it's not worth them moving but if they were starting primary or secondary they'd be going private if i had the money.