AIBU to not send children to private school even though we can afford it?

[Wipingsides]

I'm sure it's been asked a million times before, but need some reassurance! We have decided to educate our children through the state system. It was never a difficult decision as up until recently we just couldn't afford otherwise - we chose instead to live in the 'nicest' area possible and as a result the state schools are good-outstanding, and the families/ catchment generally nice and safe. However, lately as our financial circumstance have improved and as we go through the transition to secondary school with both children I'm feeling we aren't 'doing the best' by the children by choosing to stick with the state system. Neither my DH or I were privately educated and our values are firmly in the 'work hard & you'll do well' camp... plus I just don't think you can necessarily buy your way out of all the adolescent issues children will face in this next stage of their education. But why then do I feel guilty?!

I always find it strange that people can be opposed to private education but totally fine with buying in the nicest area and therefore buying into a nice state school. I’ve got an amazing primary in my village which effectively has the same demographics as lots of private schools. I’m not kidding myself that by using the state system I’m buying into an egalitarian ideal where they’ll mix with a range of backgrounds.

If you’re happy with your schooling options then great, do what works for you and your family. You’re lucky you’re in a position to have good schools near you. I’m out of catchment for the outstanding state secondary and my catchment secondary is dire. To have the size of house we have in catchment would be another £500k. Private school suddenly looks like pretty good value in comparison and seems common for secondary where I am.

I think I would choose a good state school over a private school for moral reasons and because I want my DD to mix with kids from all backgrounds. My niece and nephew go to a public school and I love them v much so feel bad being critical, but they do seem a little sheltered and quite unaware of the realities of the average person’s life. No doubt that will be knocked out of them a bit at Uni and they have achieved so much already, academically, musically and in sports - so I can see the plus side. But I don’t agree with rich people getting a more privileged education so I wouldn’t be comfortable making that choice for my DD. In the same way that I didn’t go to church to get her into the best primary school in our area because I am not religious (but many other people were hypocritical in that respect too).

I actually resent that there are private schools at all as it leaves parents like you (and me) feeling that niggle of guilt despite us having achieved having gone to state schools and our able kids both perfectly happy and thriving in good state schools.

But that depends on your local provision. OP has already said she lives in a super fabulous house by great state schools so it should be a non problem. Obviously if you lived somewhere without a local state secondary you thought was at least okay and you were loaded, well that might be a different matter.

In an ideal world all state schools should be so good that nobody wanted to choose private. With good SEN and sports and art etc provision.

I’m fundamentally opposed to private education. It’s one of the chief contributors to the huge inequalities in and the class-ridden nature of the UK. No one should do it.

.... the ‘cache’ that goes with an employer or prospective client asking where you went to school and you saying “Marlborough”, or whatever.

I’d probably be less favourably inclined to someone from “Marlborough” if interviewing them, as I’d be thinking it likely that their achievements are partly down to privilege rather than diligence and ability.... and I say that as some who was privately educated.

You’ve already bought an advantage for your DC by buying a house in a nice area and catchment with good-outstanding schools, why would you then pay more for private schools?

Although I think it’s hypocritical to buy your DC’s way into the best state schools through strategic house moves, but then claim you’re morally opposed to paying for their education!

Although I think it’s hypocritical to buy your DC’s way into the best state schools through strategic house moves, but then claim you’re morally opposed to paying for their education!

I agree. Ditto religious schools

My parents could afford private school but didn’t send me (my mum was a State teacher and felt it was hypercritical) I would have loved to have gone.

I went to a “good” secondary yet was told at GCSE we will teach you to a C grade you need to do the rest to get a better grade. I was quite sporty but extra curricular clubs were non-existent. Yes I mixed with those from all backgrounds and still do, not sure what I learnt there that I wouldn’t have learnt later in life.

I got A/Bs in GCSEs, A’s at A levels (but soft subjects eg. Business studies), 1st class degree from Russell Group university.

Would I have done better at private school? Academically, probably slightly better, but it’s the extra curricular opportunities I felt I missed out on the sport and travel would have been amazing.

We will be educating our child privately, it’s not just about grades but the all round experience and supporting their interests. Private schools offer more of a package vs having to piecemeal it with state plus tutors plus extra curricular activities.

‘Strategic house moves’ are made for a number of reasons.. not just to be in school catchments; surely everyone would chose to live in the best area they could with the best amenities close by - having a local pub within walking distance is of equal importance 😂

Obviously it's up to you OP and most people on the thread agree with you.

Going against the grain, my reasons for choosing private school are that your kids only get one childhood, they only get one shot at their exams, at growing into confident adults etc, and because we can afford it I would prefer to give them the best chance possible.

Maybe we're in a similar income bracket to you, we can afford it but it does come with considerable sacrifices, we'd be having much better and frequent holidays, I'd have my dream kitchen and we wouldn't have the worry in the back of our kinds about fees. For us though it's worth it,fot you it might not be.

Wow now I really feel guilty!!

@mummyrocks1

Interesting point. If you are a teacher and prefer to send your DC to private school, how does the economics work?

Does your salary effectively pay for 2DC? So their schooling = your whole salary?

Never my husband or I were privately educated so I also did not see the need for private schools. Then both my twins got into much sought after (different) grammars so again did not see the need for private schools. Unfort my daughters grammar was one of those exam sweat shops and our local comp was a failing academy so we put her in a lovely nuturing private school.
Wow. Although I love my son’s grammar school and would highly recommend it to anyone - the right private school for a child is a whole new experience and I think it’s amazing. Sometimes wonder if I should have considered private for my son. You feel like your child is an individual and people are looking out for them.
But that said I don’t think all private schools are necessarily amazing. I think you need to consider the individual child and what school would suit both them and the family best. I have asked my son if he would prefer to go private but he likes walking to school in 15mins and the social advantages of living near his classmates. And it is a great school with long waitlists but I think he is not seen as much as an individual as my daughter is at school.

I don't think you should do something that runs counter to your core values. That's definitely not modelling good behaviour to your kids.

I do however also think if the kids have strong (and plausible) feelings either way, these should be taken into account.

Another reason to use private schools is to relieve pressure on the state system.

Why shouldn't you sacrifice like all good private school parents who pay taxes on their income to fund state schools which they don't use and then a second time out of their post tax income to pay private school fees for their dc. It is selfish for your dc to take the place of someone else's child in a good state school.

Parents who send their children to private schools should be feted.

An argument against the private schooling: What if your income decreases? A change of school at an awkward time might be problematic. If it ends up that one child gets the big money education and another gets the state school, as happens to quite a lot of families, that's a recipe for resentment.

If you've bought a house in the catchment area of a naice school, that's essentially private education by the back door. Not your fault the system is that way of course.

Also, consider what else the money you'd spend on private schooling could be used for. A big fund to get your children straight onto the property ladder once they become working adults. Or pay off your own mortgage much quicker. Or lots of other things.

I’ve also always been against private schools - until i realised how incredibly overcrowded the state schools around us are. Consider yourself lucky if you have good state schools, but also realised that many, many kids do not have access to them. luckily we can afford private (or could alternatively cheat and but a house next to the only decent state primary school for 150k more then a comparable house 300 m down the same road).

or could alternatively cheat and but a house next to the only decent state primary school for 150k more then a comparable house 300 m down the same road).

How is that cheating?

Well obviously your lucky to have a choice ,your also lucky to.have clever ,well motivated kids and be able to afford to live near outstanding schools obviously it would be entirely different if y couldn't afford the choice ,the school ,s you live near are crap and your children were neither clever or !motivated ...

It's not cheating. It's exactly what we did.

You said yourself Op you live in large house in a wealthy area near outstanding state schools chances are your children are NOT meeting children from all walks of life .

The question I keep coming back to is, just because you can, should you?

No. "We could afford it" is literally the worst reason to pick your child's school.

We're staying state, both W/C state educated. However the schools near us are very good, tho have their issues obvs. and we can afford to pay for extra curricular activities, clubs and music separately where needed. I consider my kids really well off compared to our childhoods, and want them to go to a normal school with a good mix of 'normal' kids.
I don't care if that means they aren't getting into Oxbridge.

Both mine zeroed in on friends from exactly our demographic . Dd2 managed to find the other child whose parents were solicitors too on day 1 of reception. I’m not kidding myself my kids are properly mixing at state. When dd1 met new friends at secondary all their parents were people we would have been friends with just like us...

'You said yourself Op you live in large house in a wealthy area near outstanding state schools chances are your children are NOT meeting children from all walks of life .'

I disagree with this... we're in a city, by outstanding primary but there are loads of W/C kids in it. There's loads of flats and council housing mixed in with the 'nice' houses so the school is still fairly mixed...