AIBU to not send children to private school even though we can afford it?

[Wipingsides]

I'm sure it's been asked a million times before, but need some reassurance! We have decided to educate our children through the state system. It was never a difficult decision as up until recently we just couldn't afford otherwise - we chose instead to live in the 'nicest' area possible and as a result the state schools are good-outstanding, and the families/ catchment generally nice and safe. However, lately as our financial circumstance have improved and as we go through the transition to secondary school with both children I'm feeling we aren't 'doing the best' by the children by choosing to stick with the state system. Neither my DH or I were privately educated and our values are firmly in the 'work hard & you'll do well' camp... plus I just don't think you can necessarily buy your way out of all the adolescent issues children will face in this next stage of their education. But why then do I feel guilty?!

@mummyrocks1 I have stayed friends with all our old friends who's children don't go to private school and mums I met in the Pre-school years. Some don't have the sane standard of living as us and others have an equal one or better.

Which subject do you teach, mummyrocks1 ?

I would not be happy with a class of 7. That’s far too small how does that work socially?

That’s far too small how does that work socially?

Huh? Seven people is plenty to get on with.

Better an outstanding state school OP, if only because universities are ever so slightly biased against posh fee-paying schools

Median UK household income is about £29,000 per annum

Median number of children per woman in the UK 1.8

Median private secondary day school fees in the UK £17,000

Average private schooling family is not "just ordinary".

They may have been to a slightly greater degree 30+ years ago, but fees have risen massively in relation to incomes. Even 30 years ago nobody at my not very special private school lived in a council house, even if perhaps in a few cases their grandparents had done. The few children on scholarships were still usually from lower middle class families and often actually had at least one parent who'd been to private or grammar school. In the 80s there were lots of upper middle class "professional" families and some wealthier farmers, but private school is no longer in reach of so many of those families unless they only have one child and/ or grandparents are paying.

The "just ordinary" argument is pretty disingenuous, although I'm also not really sure why parents paying fees are so determined to argue that they and their fellow fee paying parents are so ordinary... Is it some kind of humble brag? A back handed way of claiming that they just live their children more?

Very few people eat value dry pasta and tinned tomatoes every night, don't buy a new piece of clothing in a decade, cut their own hair, have no pets and walk everywhere in order to send two children to private secondary school, but it wouldn't be possible on an average household income with an average family size otherwise...

I am pretty confident that had my DD gone to our local private school, she would be on track for getting spectacular GCSE results this summer. As it is, she is at the local comp which moved from "requires improvement" to "good" about 18 months ago. The first couple of years there were pretty uninspiring, but things have rapidly improved. She will probably get very good GCSE results, but I have no doubt she will not do as well as if we had sent her private. However, by not sending her private, we have had an extra £100k to spend on improving our housing, going on interesting holiday, tutoring and extra curricular sporting / musical activities - all of which have contributed to her quality of life every day. Her friends live locally and she has experience of rubbing along with everyone. She has not been remotely spoon fed and is a self motivated, extremely well organized learner, all of which will stand her in very good stead in her adult life. Also, she doesn't have any of the mental health issues that appear to be rife in the highly competitive private schools I keep hearing about. Each setting, private or state, will have advantages and disadvantages. I guess it's working out which factors are the most important for you.

Bluerussian - im sure a private education would 'suit' most kids

Having had children in a (state) primary with very small class sizes (between 4 and 10 per year group though they did a fair bit of mixed age teaching)I think it is a good thing to a point, but there are disadvantages. I think all of my children benefited from the high teacher:pupil ratio when they were in infants and lower juniors, but they were all more than ready to move on by the time they got to year 6. Every parent of other former pupils I have discussed it with say the same.
Yes, you might click with everyone else in your year group, but if you don't its not pleasant to me in such a small group. In a bigger class you stand a greater chance of meeting friends with whom you have more in common with than having born in the same year.I think it becomes more marked as children get older and develop their own interests more.
My middle child was in a very sporty year group and he isn't interested in sport at all so he was very pleased to be able to find a tribe of geeks at secondary. My youngest's year only had one girl in it, and whilst she got on well with the boys by the time they were 10 or 11 she was really craving female classmates.
If you have 7 kids who all get along splendidly and have lots in common then I am sure it is great, but the chances of that being the case through the entirity of their schooling is slim. I would say it gets claustrophobic eventually for most kids in that situation and if you happen to be one that the other 6 don't like it would be hellish. Even 2 who really don't get on as was the case in my youngest's year is very disruptive, far more than in a class of 25. There are some big plus points to small classes but also some potential downsides if they are very small.

Private schools can have their own issues. Private school is likely to be less local and that has an impact on friendships and sense of community. Money doesn't guarantee better teaching imo.

My son was struggling in our local school, I did think about pulling him out, but he was so upset at the idea of leaving his friends we decided not to, I think that was the right decision for us.

For us private would be a push and mean sacrificing holidays and other luxuries, I'm not convinced it would be worth it. I think that private extra curricular, such as music, sports or whatever can have a really positive effect.

Myself2020 - i was introvert and shy at state school which meant i just got on with my work and excelled. I did not need to get the teachers attention. Just because your kid is shy does not mean she has to be privately educated.

He might not have been able to do a degree at all without the benefit of good schooling behind him and I presume you didn't fork out the £80k in one go

He might have done better if he hadn’t gone to a school that convinced him he was God’s gift and was so wonderfully clever he could sit on his laurels.

Of course we didn’t fork it out all in one go but we’d have been mortgage free a damn sight sooner if we hadn’t forked it out at all.

@MsTSwift

7 in a class

3 classes per year.

That’s 200 odd pupils.

That’s plenty of people to be social 😂

Vulpine Fri 07-Feb-20 18:05:27
Bluerussian - I'm sure a private education would 'suit' most kids
.........
Not necessarily, each school is different and some simply do not cater for individuals who aren't conformist. Many parents pull their children our of a school and enrol them in another for just that reason.

There are of course children who sail through the school system with no problems which is great but plenty don't.

Alsohuman, you don't sound very proud of what he has achieved. It was your choice, I doubt he particularly asked you to pay school fees for him. Anyway it's over now, no going back. As long as he's doing quite well in his career and is a decent human being, that is what counts.

I think you choose what you believe will suit your specific child or children best.

I have one ds. I chose the local small independent because the catchment state schools aren't great, and because I thought he would be happier in a smaller school.

It wasn't because I could or couldn't afford it, (it's a struggle) or because I have ethically views either for or against independent schools. I was at a state school which was fine.

All that matters to me is that DS is happy. What anyone else thinks doesn't really come into it.

Find these threads amusing. You want to use the state system but only the best states schools so instead of going private you instead buy in an expensive area to access the good schools. Therefore the DC going to these state schools will come from the local area meaning they are at school with fellow wealthy parents. I have this where I live, very expensive area and the local school is filled with DC from mainly white affluent families (actors, writers etc etc) So please don't kid yourselves that your wee Johnny is heading off to school and mixing with a wide range of DC!

I think it really depends on what the state provision is. I'm really happy with my DDs primary and don't think any of the local private schools are better except smaller class size. Her school has good wraparound care, good facilities, specialist language, music and P.E teachers with a wide range of after school sports and clubs and the opportunity to learn an instrument. Pastoral care is really good and she is definitely seen as an individual. Secondary I'm worried about. The only good schools are the Grammars and I don't know at this stage if she will have the academic abilllity for it.

I work in university admissions and we're biased against outstanding state schools too! Admittedly it's not a Russell Group uni I work in so Mumsnet may not be interested!

I believe our criteria for a contextual offer is for the applicant to live in an area with very low rates of university attendance plus attending a school in the bottom 40% for... GCSEs? Or A Levels? Both perhaps.

So don't use necessarily future uni applications as a reason to shun private school!

Ours were offered free places at a very good school because DH teaches there.
We turned it down as; we wanted them to have local friends, we didnt want them to have the private school swagger and our local school is Ofsted outstanding.
There is also a small local indie here which has many social problems ie a lot of the parents have made their money via crime.

No, Bluerussian I’m not proud of what he’s achieved. I don’t think a worthless degree after an extra year is much of an achievement or anything to be proud of. Nor does he, he’s massively embarrassed by it. I’m much prouder of his sister, who he reckoned was stupid, who got a 2:1 and then a masters.

Anyway, it’s certainly something for anyone thinking about private education.

The thing is school isn’t just about what a child gets out of it academically.

To me the worth is partly the education, but more importantly a happy experience for DD.

I went to a village primary I was ok as had 7 girls in my year plus boys but my poor sister in a class of 7 had 2 other girls one of whom was troubled and psychologically tortured her for years - no other friendship options utterly stuck. Boys played football. I made sure my girls had very deep friendship pool at primary small classes give me the creeps

Having taught in both state and private I think yabu.

Maybe you feel bad further burdening a system crippled by financial cuts when you could easily afford not to? If so donate what you would pay in fees. It’s the ethical choice.

@champagneandfromage50 i agree so much! the only outstanding primary school around ours has exclusive parents who can afford a house for £650 000 minimum (the average is more £800000). that is very expensive, even for the southeast. they tend to be very proud that they don’t send their kids to private schools.
ironically, most private school parents can’t afford to send their kids to this school (too expensive to lice close enough), and most other schools are well below national average with poor provisions