AIBU to not send children to private school even though we can afford it?

[Wipingsides]

I'm sure it's been asked a million times before, but need some reassurance! We have decided to educate our children through the state system. It was never a difficult decision as up until recently we just couldn't afford otherwise - we chose instead to live in the 'nicest' area possible and as a result the state schools are good-outstanding, and the families/ catchment generally nice and safe. However, lately as our financial circumstance have improved and as we go through the transition to secondary school with both children I'm feeling we aren't 'doing the best' by the children by choosing to stick with the state system. Neither my DH or I were privately educated and our values are firmly in the 'work hard & you'll do well' camp... plus I just don't think you can necessarily buy your way out of all the adolescent issues children will face in this next stage of their education. But why then do I feel guilty?!

I went private (well regarded girls day school) and I don't have huge amounts of confidence, contacts or a fab job. I have a sense I wasted my private education. I did qualify as a professional and hated it. So now I do something very ordinary.

I think private schools have very narrow outlooks. A levels, university, "good" job. I wish I'd done a more vocational subject at university but that wasn't even on their radar.

we can't afford private for our 3 so it kind of negates any argument but I'm not sure I would send them anyway. Although we do have decent state provision near us. Might feel differently if we didn't.

God no don't feel guilty. There is no guarantee of your children's outcome.

Smug, self satisfied and hypocritical thread. OP just wanted to have a pop at private schools and do a bit of stealth bragging about her amazing house blah blah.

I was privately educated, husband went to the worst school in the area. We've both got the same degree and well paid jobs/careers. It comes down to the person at the end of the day. We have two kids and won't send either of them to private school because the state schools in our area are great.

Something worth noting that a teacher friend told me, teachers have to complete a NQT year (newly qualified teacher) before they can start working properly/be employed. If they fail this year, a "normal" school will not employ them, but a private school will. So just because you're paying for the privilege, don't assume it means the teachers are the best!

It cost us less to finance 9 years at private primary, than the difference in prices between our 5 bedroom and a 3 bedroom further into catchment. We are 0.7 miles from the state school and didn't get in.

Of course you're not unreasonable OP. Having the money doesn't mean you're obligated to send your child private. You are, however incredibly privileged as we were to have more choice.

I always think that unless you also have the finances for:

• house deposit
• support 18-21 (fees, rent, relocation help)
• a wedding, say
• a cast-iron guarantee you can afford the fees and not have to yank them out due to a change in circumstances

Plus your own pensions, future care etc...

... then it's not worth it. I'd rather spend the minimum £10k/year on providing enhancements to their home life, travel, tutoring, extra curricular myself.

My parents both have two degrees, both highly academic, and both fretted about the fact that my state school was in special measures.

But to be honest, nothing that school could fail to do could touch the hugely enriched background my sister and I already had. It depends if you feel you can provide that sort of thing for yourself though I guess.

You'll be doing yours kids a favour by not teaching them that how much money your parents have should determine the quality of education you receive!

All kids deserve an equal quality education, regardless of their family's financial background.

I would stick with what you’re doing and stay with state education if local schools are good. Private education is no guarantee of a high powered, high earning career. I went to a very bog standard secondary school and ended up doing the same degree at the same uni as lots of people who had been to boarding schools (1 was even at Eaton and another at Winchester Boys). In addition, I’ve got friends now who do the same job as me (teacher) who went to private school.

You'll be doing yours kids a favour by not teaching them that how much money your parents have should determine the quality of education you receive!

All kids deserve an equal quality education, regardless of their family's financial background

State schools are giving the same message when the wealthier can buy their way into catchment.

I absolutely agree that all children deserve equal quality of education - the state system does NOT give that. Markedly so.

It really depends on three things: the state school in your are, how much time you have, and your kids.
if you have confident, loud, extrovert kids without SENDs and decent state schools, they will do well. if you also have the time to get them to activities to broaden their horizont - great.
if any of these are not the case, a good (!!!!) private school is better

I agree with this. I went to private school but I had ALOT of undiagnosed SEND issues which caused BESD issues and therefore it benefitted me greatly, and hopefully my children will go private but they will likely have very similar SEND to myself and will need the extra support which few more specilist private schools can cater for. But saying that not all private schools are equal, I was fortunate to attend one which specialised in SEND and a lot of outdoor education which I benefitted greatly from, but another private school in the same area would have benefitted me no more then my local public school as they had no special provision in SEND issues.

Although I was in wales, and grammar schools and academies didnt exist in wales at that time (not sure if they do now) so I didnt really have the option of changing to a school that could better cater to my needs (and was practically excluded from my high school due to my BESD needs and very very severly bullied) and my mum ended up in ALOT of debt paying for me to do my gcses at the private school that could offer me better support and a more conducive environment. (But again this was purely due to my SEND and BESD needs, other people who attended my local public schools still achieved A/A at gcse and A level, and I actually acheived the highest gcses in my year in private at A's and a few A's, but this is because the school catered to those with dyslexia, dyspraxia and high functioning autism and adhd, so it allowed children who otherwise would have failed exams to achieved A*'s/A/B/C due to having the correct support and a very active SEN available).

I was privately educated. I would not choose private education for my own DC based on my own experience and more recently, that of a number of privately educated children I came across during my time working in social care and in children's mental health services.

I now work in Education and while the state system is far from perfect, there are some wonderful state schools out there and I want my own DC to grow up knowing how to relate to people from different backgrounds. The school I work in is rated 'outstanding' and in a naice area but because it has such a wide catchment area, there are some very privileged DC sitting alongside DC from low income families and they all receive the same outstanding education. As they should. That's the experience I want for my DC but each to their own and I would never judge another parent for trying to give their DC what they feel is their best chance in life.

To me it depends on the specific schools in question. If the state school you mention is at a similar level academically and pastorally as the private one, then YANBU. But if there really is a marked difference, I personally would think again.

Then again, it also depends on your kids and what you think they'll want in the future - eg would you prefer to save the money you would have spent on education and give them a deposit for a house when they are older? It's a difficult one, but only you know their personalities and aims and the differences between the two schools.

FWIW we will have to make a similar decision in a year or twos time.

Have you visited any of the private schools? Never underestimate the power of a good network. Out of the 12 in my year/house : 1 lawyer, 2 published authors, 1 uni lecturer, 2 in finance, 2 co directors, 1 multimillionaire who manages the family money and 3 I'm not sure about.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to send your children to good state secondaries but I do think you are being naive when you say work hard & you'll do well

There are a lot of things in life where working hard doesn’t equal doing well and I do think you do need to not teach your children that mantra as they are going to be very disappointed

If a particular state secondary suits your child then that is fine. If a particular private school suits your child better then go with that.

Look around all schools and see which one is the best for your child and not what you see as the best.

Dd went to a specialised private school which was all about a particular activity that she excelled in and has made her career.
The academic side of school was very secondary.
If Dd had been academic then this wouldn’t have been the right school for her.

Ds decided he didn’t want to go down that route (despite being naturally talented in the activity) and opted to train in a trade.

Unfortunately the trade route has changed and although he really wanted to pursue that route unless there is a big shake up in education then he will never qualify as he doesn’t have a GCSE in English

He is now pursuing the same career as Dd but I can see that she has had more doors opened for her because of the school she went to where as Ds is struggling.

Send your child to state or private just make sure it is the right school for the individual child

I agree @Oliversmumsarmy ds1 works very hard but he isn't academic and with the best will in the world he isn't going to come out with fantastic exam grades if he gets a few grade 4,s I would be delighted.but this !musket and everyone's child is very academic and focused .

Mumsnet **

We could have afforded to send our ds to private school but it didn't seem worth it as the state schools in our area are good.

Also, it's a 5-7 year commitment (at secondary level) and you have to be sure you won't lose your job during that time if you are paying it out of income.

Personally I think it makes more sense to spend money on the extra-curricular activities and other options such as language courses overseas (or other things eg I paid for my ds to do a lifeguard course last summer) and keep a bit back for their uni years or for their first house if they do an apprenticeship instead of going to uni.

Minister- I went to a private school and so did my siblings and my dcs do. My siblings and I can all relate to all kinds of people. My children will also be able to do the same. I have stayed friends with all our old friends who's children don't go to private school and mums I met in the Pre-school years. Some don't have the sane standard of living as us and others have an equal one or better.

I really resent this view that private school children are entitled, rude and can't relate to anyone outside their own bubble. I did not grow up like that and neither will my dcs. We are in the 21st century unfortunately it seems like attitudes are not.

Sorry- should read, some have a lower lifestyle than us.

Save what you'd have paid in fees in an account and give it to them on their 25th birthdays... Or buy them each a flat in their own name... Much better investment.

I'm privately educated and missed being part of the local community - we were shunned by the local kids for being "stuck up" purely on the basis of going to private school and having an out of area accent, (having non local parents and not going to the local school we never picked the accent up).

My kids go to local schools and have loads of friends within walking distance, walk to school with friends, know everyone. I wanted them to have the roots I never really had.

@missyB1 what a nasty thing to say. I just wanted some opinions. We all come with our preconceptions about things we often know nothing about.. I was not privately educated so have no idea what I’m potentially missing out on. Yes I’m fortunate it’s a choice I can make. I never said I have an ‘amazing house’ but yes I do actually.. I also have a lot of shit in my life.. why are you so bitter?

I'd go private in a flash if I could, hopefully in the next couple of years we will have he ££££.

We did privately educate ours, a decision in hindsight that was right. We have given her the best possible chance at life, to have all the options, whatever she chose those options to be. It's the teach a man to fish analogy. Yes we could have simply given her the money to buy a house. Or we could ensure we gave her the ability to earn her own so she didn't need it. We chose the latter. For us this was the better investment.

Her friends come from all walks in life, from the kids of our own friends to our families, to people she went to school with, and those friends are everything from very wealthy upper middle to working class and proper skint. She can walk in anywhere and fit in, be it a run down council house in a poor area to a multi million pound home and not bat an eye lid.

I grew up poor so wealth kind of intimidated me growing up. She however can sit in my fathers council flat and feel comfortable, through to her friends home, worth several million and feel equally comfortable. She has no judgement or reaction. She grew up seeing both.

Her education has been worth it, she's a straight a student with a first in law from a highly ranked Russel group,,, would she have achieved the same at state school who knows, there is no sliding doors moment. That's not how life works.

All you can do is decide what you think is the best for your particular child. For your own reasons, and do that. State school, private school, there is no one answer. It's about the child, their abilities and the options available to them.

I did the whole moving to a nice area that has good schools thing and it worked out well for my family. My DC did well at school and also have lots of local friends and enjoyed playing for local sports teams, going to cubs etc which sometimes I think DC miss out going to private school as often there’s a distance to travel to school and friends can be scattered around a wide radius. Obviously this isn’t the case for everyone but it is in my area.
My DC did slightly better in the A levels than their cousins who were privately educated from about the age of 2. All the DC have ended up at similar universities. I’m pleased we chose state school, we’ve been fortunate to have three or four holidays abroad with our DC each year and enjoyed family days out every weekend without worrying about the cost.