AIBU to not send children to private school even though we can afford it?

[Wipingsides]

I'm sure it's been asked a million times before, but need some reassurance! We have decided to educate our children through the state system. It was never a difficult decision as up until recently we just couldn't afford otherwise - we chose instead to live in the 'nicest' area possible and as a result the state schools are good-outstanding, and the families/ catchment generally nice and safe. However, lately as our financial circumstance have improved and as we go through the transition to secondary school with both children I'm feeling we aren't 'doing the best' by the children by choosing to stick with the state system. Neither my DH or I were privately educated and our values are firmly in the 'work hard & you'll do well' camp... plus I just don't think you can necessarily buy your way out of all the adolescent issues children will face in this next stage of their education. But why then do I feel guilty?!

*I was privately educated and I’m a primary school teacher, 🤷‍♀️
Out of my year group (the ones I know) we have
4 primary school teachers
3 doctors
2 solicitors
1 barrister
3 or 4 in finance
3 business owners
1 National radio presenter
3 artists/ jewellery designers
Umpteen SAHM’s
And a few flunks....

You’d probably get those stats in most year groups tbh...I REALLY don’t see the hype in private education!!*

I couldn’t get past this. This really illustrates the insulating privilege of private schooling.

In my (not very good) state secondary year group we had:

Several girls who were pregnant at 15 an unable to continue.

A few boys who ended up in trouble with the law and long term unemployed.

Lots on minimum wage jobs, who still are now, 20 years later.

A good handful of mechanics, gardeners, hairdressers, childminders and house painters.

I only know of two of the 120 who went on to a non-vocational higher education course. One is an academic, the other in tech (I’m one of them).

There are certainly no barristers, lawyers, doctors or bankers.

I will definitely be sending my kids private if they fail to get into grammar school. I succeeded in spite of my state school, not because of it.

@FourStarShine

I succeeded in spite of my state school, not because of it

Same with me.

Go to open days.
Sit the entrance exams, then see if you get to have a choice or not.
My DS went to a very academic private, only the minority of pupils were from rich families, most were like us who made a decision to prioritise education over holidays and cars. Many had bursaries. All students were very bright. No-one could buy their way in.
There were smaller classes, excellent motivational teachers and superb facilities. Behaviour was far better than what I have seen/heard at the local state school.
I have no regrets.
Excellent post from FourStarsShine

If you have outstanding schools near you, why pay? Think what else you can do with the money. I have such state schools near me, neighbours' children have been there and done very well.

I went to good state school, had very engaged, supportive parents etc etc and academically could not have performed any better. I send my own child to a private school as I think the pastoral care and sense of self belief she will hopefully develop will be worth it.

FourStarsShine there are state schools and state schools aren't there, and all private schools are not equal in terms of who they turn out.

A lot of private schools do have entrance exams similar to 11+ and won't take many or any children below average overall ability (obviously this is not true across the board, but often even those that aren't selective are still filtering out pupils they don't want...)

Private schools can kick kids out for far less reason than state (several were expelled from my year - the official reason given was usually being caught smoking). Strangely nobody academic was expelled.

The key predictor of academic and career success though is parental academic and career success.

It's often not that private schools have better outcomes, but that children from families who are largely predestined to have better outcomes choose private schools.

Nobody who doesn't value education pays for private schools for their children. Private school children do well because their parents value education, not because they go to private schools - that's just a symptom of being likely to do well not the root cause.

I really resent this view that private school children are entitled, rude and can't relate to anyone outside their own bubble. I did not grow up like that and neither will my dcs. We are in the 21st century unfortunately it seems like attitudes are not.

I didn't say anything about rudeness or a sense of entitlement
As for ability to relate to people from different walks of life, at no point did I say that all privately educated children will lack this. I can only speak from my experience and I certainly went to school with many kids who clearly had no contact whatsoever with people from low income households and had a very narrow view of the world. We all make decisions informed by our own experiences. I'm glad that you and your DC have had a more positive experience of private education than I did.

Bluntness100 most of your daughter's former classmates won't have the same breadth of experience and won't have been inside a council house in their lives! Ok I'll admit - as a private school educated person - the first council property I ever entered was when living and working in London after graduation and looking for a flat to buy, and being shown ex local authority properties by estate agents!

The ability to feel at home in all sorts of different environments is down to family not school!

Itwillallbebetter yes I agree. The state grammar I narrowly failed to qualify for certainly has it’s fair share of doctors and lawyers.

The point I was trying to make was that the previous poster couldn’t understand the ‘hype’ about private education (which she’d had) as she has no experience of the fact that “most year groups” at your average state school do not turn out swathes of teachers, barristers and doctors.

If you have an excellent state school that your kids can get into, then indeed why pay? But many of us don’t have that guarantee. It’s take your chances at your local comp, or private if you can afford it.

I think op and I similar also went to state as did dh and we ended up doing well. As I’ve no experience of private school personally I don’t really get what it is we are missing...

most of your daughter's former classmates won't have the same breadth of experience and won't have been inside a council house in their lives

I don't think you can make assumptions. Ther were kids there on scholarships. Kids there whose parents had split up and struggling financially due to the school fees, kids there whose family background was varied, where one parent came from a wealthy background and the other didn't. Who had extended family members who were on low incomes. Kids where for various reasons the parents scrimped and saved for the school, fees.kids where only they went and their siblings didn't due to finances, kids there whose parents were teachers, and,,,

Yes there were universally wealthy kids, but the truth was, most people's social circles were very varied, I'd also add the only people who gave a shit was the parents, not the kids themselves.

You really can't assume that kids at private school all or mostly live in a rarified atmosphere. My family is a prime example of this.

On the outside we look like one thing, but dig a little deeper and you see a wider and social circle. You might look at my daughter, listen to her speak, and think the same thing, but again if you dig a little deeper you see a much broader spectrum. Many people are like this in real life and you cannot judge a book by its cover.

Our DD is at Private Secondary, DS will join her in September
If we had a good state option we would have gone for that, Im not someone who thinks that all State schools are bad and all Private schools are great but given the 2 schools available to us the Private one was the better option
We faced the same choice for Primary but made the opposite choice because the dc got places at a State Primary we were happy with
So IF you think that the State school is a good option and will suit your child then go for it BUT if you are choosing state purely for ideological reasons or you dont want your children to grow up as “snobs” and the State provision isn’t good then go Private.
Basically OP, compare the 2 schools then decide

Find the school that fits your child first and then you.
It doesn't matter which sector it's in as good and bad in both.

We could afford private education but chose the state sector. In fact we started off with private but moved when we realised that we were spending a great deal of money for fairly minimal benefits. The areas where the private school was better, such as music provision, were easily compensated for with after school lessons and we were left with plenty of money to enhance our children's lives in other ways.
But, we are fortunate to live in an area with excellent state provision. The state primary we moved our children to had smaller class sizes than the prep school they were at and the state secondary has better facilities, a much wider range of subject choices, particularly at A level, and similar results/ leavers destinations to the independent secondary we would have chosen. So it seemed crazy to spend money, that whilst it wouldn't have bankrupted us would have left us with far less disposable income. There were other things about the independent schoolthat I didn't like too, including the fact that the length of the school day would have prevented my children from participating in extra curricular activities which they enjoy and are good at. (And are not provided at the school.)
If we lived somewhere with poor state provision it would have been different of course. But if a good state education is available I don't see anything wrong with utilising it.

I live in an area with three private schools close by. But one of the local state schools is outperforming them on GCSE results. My daughter's state secondary is a STEM school and is outperforming the private co-ed school on science, maths and English. If the private school is a "name" it may help on a future CV or uni application but other than that in my area going State is better for a broader education, generally.

Just because you can. Doesn’t mean you should

We live in a beautiful part of the U.K. Well off money wise. We privately educate our children. Purely because my eldest would scream and kick and had awful desperation anxiety and whilst I loved the state school. There was just too many children like her so she wasn’t getting the help she needed. The smaller class sizes. The opportunities with the private achool have changed her. They really have. My youngest who is actually very intelligent did very well at her state school. Yet she’s exceeding in the private school. For me. It was class sizes per teacher. There’s 7 children in their classes. That’s almost one teacher per 3 children.

There’s also 130 acres. The place is stunning. Huge play areas. Zip slides. Gypsy caravan for them to play. Outdoor learning. Forests school learning. Horses they ride every morning. Swimming pool parties. They have excelled there.

Myself2020 - having excelled in state school myself and having sent all my kids to state school, i always thought it was privately educated kids who were 'extrovert, loud and confident'. They are certainly not attributes i associate with state education

extrovert, loud and confident are personality characteristics- some kids have them, some don’t. if you are one of 30-32kids with one teacher in a state primary school, they are very useful to get attention.
Private schools often (not always) help less extrovert and confident kids to become confident.
in the state schools around ours (again, not all), you need to be loud and confident you want any attention. if you aren’t, you will be ignored, not supported (not only my experience, same for other parents) quite a difference. i want my introvert, shy child to get an education, so we went private (one example from many: at a settling in session, the teacher hadn’t even realised he was there- too busy to chase after 5 or 6 really badly behaved kids - loud and confident was an euphemism in this case)

My DH was privately educated and always says he wishes he wasn’t. At secondary school his friends all lived in mansions with swimming pools and he was the poor kid even though his parents weren’t poor at all. By poor he means they owned a three bed detached in the countryside as opposed to a mansion but it was important in that school, status was everything. He also feels depressed that he ‘only’ amounted to engineering (he’s bloody clever!) when some of his school friends became bankers, lawyers, doctors or famous DJs.

I handed him the nice perspective of people who I went to the local comp with, some are in prison...

We can afford it and I won't send my kids to private school. I don't want them mixing only with wealthier kids. I know a lot of people who went to private schools and have quite normal jobs and I know plenty of state school educated people who are doing exceptionally well career wise. I think so much depends on your family support, teachers, etc. But like I said the main reason for me is I want my children to mix with people from all social classes, backgrounds etc. That to me is an important part of education. Growing up I had friends who were rich and friends whose parents barely had enough money to feed and clothe them. This has shaped my social conscience. We lived near Paul McCartney when I was growing up (one of the richest men in the country) and all his kids were sent to the local comprehensive for the very same reasons.

We paid for private school for my stepson who ended up failing his finals and only achieved a third at retake. We completely wasted the thick end of £80k. The only solace was that the RAF funded him through university or it would have been even more.

I went to a top private boarding school and half my class are SAHMs. I think you're buying confidence at a private school, not grades.

We could afford private but send our children state - we are lucky as they got into excellent state schools.

If we have any money in the future I shall use it to help the DC get on the property ladder.

What this tells me is the inherent 2 tier system we have in the state sector. So worrying.

And no OP stay in state sector. They have EVERYTHING going for them. And if and when they go to Uni it might be of advantage to have stayed state (let me get shot down for this but I HOPE SO)

Yanbu.

Teaching quality can be very patchy. Extras like uniform, trips and exam charges soon add up.

He hasn't done too badly, Alsohuman. Plenty of bright people fail exams for all sorts of reasons and he got through in the end. A third is not to be sneezed at and, as you say, the RAF funded him through uni anyway. He might not have been able to do a degree at all without the benefit of good schooling behind him and I presume you didn't fork out the £80k in one go.

My own experience of private schools is that not everybody's parents are wealthy, many are just 'ordinary' but want the best for their children and if that isn't available in state school, they opt for private. There's also the point of choosing a school that suits the child.