To not be sure about DH

[Apirateslifeforme]

A few months ago we had a bit of a scary situation, I dont know how to explain it all properly, but I'll do my best.
My concern is that I am worried DH is unable to protect himself or DD.

I'll also preface with, I have extreme generalised anxiety and OCD. I'm pretty much agorophobic.i dont tend to go to town, I do maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most. I'm saying this because it may have some bearing on how I'm feeling (I'll also point out I am on medication and I am seeing a counsellor. I'm trying to work through my issues)

So we went to town one day, I had to go because there was something I'd ordered that DH needed. We were having a fairly good time.
It was later in the day, we had been to get the item we needed, we had popped into boots, had a coffee and a chat, then started to head towards the car.
I saw a security guard hanging around, and a stall owner looking at a young couple, quite concerned.
I sort of noticed and thought it strange but shook it out of my head as nothing strange, maybe me always looking for something to be wrong.

As we were paying for our parking, a man comes up to us, hes asking how to pay for parking (our town gives a few hours free parking on Saturdays and sundays, so we didnt have to pay but you still have to put the coin in)
But hes got a wallet out. I say you've just got to put the coin in the machine, even if you dont have to pay.
We turn and take a few steps, he follows. He says hes done it. He hasn't because he moved with us. And he starts talking about security being up his arse all day.
I move again, and he gets between me and 11 year old daughter. He puts his hand in his pocket and drags out a handful of nuts. He offers DD them. I dont know why, but I was very stern without even thinking I said NO. DD put her hands in her pocket. Shes at an age where shes going to shrug me off if i try to grab her, but i pulled her closer to me as i again stepped away.
We were waiting for a lift, and as we step forward to the lift he positioned himself to go with us, and I'm thinking I dont want to get in a lift with this man, there was a bad feeling that came over me, and I thought its probably quite innocent. I'm probably overreacting, but I cant go upto the carpark with this man. We park on the highest floor of the carpark because its quiet. No way am I risking ending up there with this man.
So just before we step In, DH is in the lift by the way, hes oblivious to what's going on.
I say, shit, I need to go to poundland.
The man turns on his heel and says me too, steps out of the lift, and as I make my way past, I realise security is hanging around, I get close enough that she will hear me, and I say to him
"Can you stop following us, we dont know you. You're making me uncomfortable"
He replies, no, I'm coming too.
I say, still quite loudly, you're a stranger, leave us alone.
Security guard lunges toward him, and they disappear into a lift.
I say to DH that was weird, DD says, my legs felt like concrete when we were going to get in the lift. He was weird. DH says, yeah maybe, so what did we need from poundland.

I say, I didn't, I just needed to be away from him. I could've accepted that maybe he was a bit awkward in social situations or that I was being over cautious until he got out of the lift to follow us, and when I told him he was making me uncomfortable his response wasnt, I'm sorry and leaving us alone. He was so close to us. I've never had this feeling before.

So we get in the lift and I'm trying to not make it into a big thing. I'm sort of thinking, I'm a bit weird myself, maybe he was a bit weird on the other end of the scale. Maybe he thinks that's how you make friends, I'm not going to panic about it.

We get to our car, and there are two women who've got a flat tyre. Hit a kerb on the way up the carpark. So I say to my husband, we should try and help. (Full disclosure, DDog was in the car, as he often is, he can take being left in the car, but not at home, so the boots fully decked out as his "safe space"
As were trying to prize off the tyre- its stuck for some reason, DH and now another man are trying to use brute force to get the wheel off. Loads of noise, dog hasn't made a peep. All of a sudden the dog is going ballistic. I explain the dogs safe place is the car, hes got a bed and toys and everything In the back. He somehow knows were going back to the car.
Before I finish explaining, the man is right beside us. One of tbe women turns to me and mouths she thinks that hes drunk. As the other man speaks to him, I grab DDs hand and go to security downstairs. Just seems beyond weird, hes now talking to two women who are stuck. Security then tells me hes been following women to their cars all day, and trying to force young women to eat his food and get them to leave the town with him.

We go back up with security, and hes trying to break into cars,
He then comes upto me and says security is deciding whether I'm taking him to my home tonight, I told him to leave us alone and he wanted an explanation why I didnt want him around us, then he tried to grab my daughter by the arm, telling her that her mother is crazy, and if she have him a minute to explain they could be friends.

She is 11. This man was 25 or so.

The police were called, not by us but security. I don't even know when, but DH witnessed all of this, and didnt say even one word.

Later at home, he said that he thought the man might've been after the phone we picked up In town. No real concern for DDs safety, didnt pick up on half of what happened.

Its left me feeling like he would completely miss if something like that ever happened again. It freaked me out because it seemed to me like he was only talking to me because I was almost the only thing in the way of him getting to my daughter and DH literally had no concern at all.

How can I trust him to protect her?

I know some people will only pick up on the danger that they are in, and this man made both me and DDs stomachs feel like they were falling out. I feel anxious a lot, but this was on a complete different level, and the barks that my dog let out, I've never in my life heard anything like it. It was a pitch I've never heard from a dog in my life.

What can I do? Am I being U to be worried he wont protect her when hes out because hes just going not realise when theres danger?

YANBU at all. I’d be furious as him for not stepping up and protecting both of you.

You were right to listen to your instincts, well done 👍🏼

So ....say that's true...what would your solution be? To not let your daughter leave the house either?

His behaviour (the man) was very extreme and unusual. Perhaps the dog was picking up on your discomfort and that they couldn't get to you as they are very protective? Was your dh on his phone other than distracted by the tyre? I'm just trying to figure out if his head was "elsewhere" as if someone I was with was reluctant to be near someone AND security were around I'd be very cautious and vocal.

Perhaps your DD and DH could also communicate better as pre/ teens do feel uncomfortable sometimes and it's good for adults they trust to be able to recognise that.

Why did he not say no your not coming with us stop following my wife and I or let go of my daughter?

@bigearringsbigsmile not really, my daughter had a gut instinct. She wanted out of that situation and did step back from him. I think in that situation I showed her that if you're feeling uncomfortable, vocalise it in the safest possible place, and get help.

But in my DHs company, he would be most likely to ignore/ tell her not to worry. I am struggling with the idea I guess that not only is he not able to see, he would also probably tell her to not trust that instinct that's there go protect her.

Bloody hell OP that had my stomach in knots I feel sick for you all. I’m sorry that happened. I think reassurance form your DP will be good for you, can you sit down and have a chat to him about this incident and tell him how scared it made you feel? You must feel so vulnerable

Your DD sounds like she’s got a really good head on her over danger you’ve done a good job there

I just wanted to say that I think you handled that situation really well.

I don't know why your DH was so oblivious. I think you need to speak to him seriously about what happened, and how unsafe women and girls are made to feel on a daily basis. Perhaps he thought you had it in hand, I don't know. But he should have been more on the ball.

That’s awful. YANBU to be concerned for her safety, but also I suspect that your DH would probably have seen the same things you did if he was in your position at that moment.

That was a potentially dangerous situation yes, and you did very well to keep you and your daughter safe. But what I don’t understand is, why didn’t you talk to your husband more about what was happening? The minute a strange guy started hassling me and not taking no for an answer I would have shouted to my husband ‘John can you come here please? This man won’t leave us alone.’ Although yours was there and could see the exchanges he might not have heard everything that was said and might have assumed it was more innocent than it was. Your daughter is 11 and clearly has good instincts too. Just encourage her to stay with her dad and tell him exactly what’s going on so he can do something about it.

@LuluBellaBlue thank you, my biggest concern is that something would happen and I'd not have the ability to speak up and I'd just be like a lamb to the slaughter.
Very small silver lining is I've realised I'm able to stand up for myself and DD when I need to!

Why on earth had security not called the police to remove this bloke? Weird.

what a wild situation - you couldn't make it up

my guess is your husband saw you had control of the situation and didn't want to step in - it might have escalated things

why does he need to protect her - you where doing that - the man sounds very odd but security where there as well - and the police - what did you expect him to do ?

Is your DH generally not good at picking up on body language, facial expressions, social tensions etc? It does sound like he was unusually unbothered by that situation - I know perhaps men don't have to be as finely tuned to their own personal safety as women learn to be, but I think most men would have shown more of a reaction in those circumstances.

However, it does sound like your daughter is more alert and reacted appropriately. Encourage her to continue trusting her instincts, and demanding that any adult she is with listens to her.

I can understand your worry, but it sounds like there is a danger that you will transmit your anxiety and agoraphobia to your daughter - please don't do that. The situation in the car park was unusual, it is extremely unlikely to happen again when your daughter is with her father, and she is of an age where it is important for her to start becoming more independent and learning to keep herself safe. Don't let your anxieties stop her spreading her wings.

I speak as the daughter of an anxious mother - I have spent my life refusing to let her worries restrict my movements, and still have to push back against it now I am in my 50s; it has undoubtedly damaged our relationship.

Was this the same man that had been hassling you at the lifts, who was the other man helping your dh fix the tyre?

Another one who wasn't sure what you expected DH to do - you had the situation under control, there wasn't really anything else for him to get involved with. I actually think him not getting involved might have been the better course of action - thinking of my DH here, it's likely if he'd waded in the incident could have escalated quickly. I'm sure if you'd actually been in any danger (the man had tried to drag you off, for example) DH would have stepped in.

Bloody hell op that's quite an eventful day.
Why the hell did security wait for so long before calling the police?
Yanbu. Always trust your gut. Your dh was rubbish. My husband is very blase/unaware of this type of thing, its infuriating. My dh is so intelligent but yet very daft in this type of situation.
I dont know what the answer is I'm afraid.

You did everything right it sounds like an awful situation.

If I was still with my ex and someone did that to us he would have never have ignored it. If there was a man trying to grab our daughter he’d probably punch his lights out tbh

You need to talk to your husband.

@D4rwin he wasnt on his phone, just oblivious.
I hadn't seen the man was there before DDog was going mad, I had my back to the lift I think he must have come out of (stairs are beside but were talking 5th floor here so I've just assumed lift)
That's what I dont understand why he just had nothing to say.
With DH he just doesn't really realise. We need to point out everything to him, and then his first reaction is to disagree.

Is he a passive person? When he got home did he realise the situation then or still downplayed?

Fight or flight affects men too we just assume that it doesn’t - yes most people would be motivated to protect their children, equally men don’t always understand the risk other men have to women and children, he might not have seen a weird guy as a threat because it’s your life experience that has taught you it is and not his.

YANBU he needs to understand the risk his daughter might face.

YANBU at all. I’d be furious as him for not stepping up and protecting both of you. Why? The OP was clearly in control of the situation. If she’d needed protecting she could have called out to her DH to come over and tell this man to back off. It shouldn’t be an expectation that we rely on a man to protect us.

Sounds like the OP’s dD has her head screwed on,and TBH she’s getting to an age where she needs to learn to stick up for herself to an extent, because there will be times when she doesn’t go out with the DH but on her own and with friends. What then?

OP the situation with this man sounds extreme, but TBH I think you’re at risk here of projecting your own fears and issues on to your DD.

Well, I can certainly understand why you're worried about how unconcerned and oblivious your husband was to such an alarming and disturbing situation. I don't know what you can do about it though, as I don't think your husband would "get it" if you tried to discuss it with him.
I would feel unsettled too. The man who was hassling you sounds very dangerous indeed.

I don’t have heightened anxiety or OCD but I would have been shaken by this and I think the OP is correct in naturally questioning if her husband is sufficiently attuned to this sort of thing. Thankfully these incidents are rare but nonetheless as a parent you do have to be on the ball.
Eleven is still young. The daughter, however, seems more aware than her father.

Without being there it's impossible to say if there was actually any danger or if it was an unpleasant encounter with a drunk or mentally unwell person.

Tbh the whole set up sounds strange, coins that you have to put in ticket machines even if you don't need to pay, helping people change a tyre, leaving a dog in the car while you go shopping, an eventful day all round. Unless that's a normal shopping trip for you I wouldn't worry too much.