To not be sure about DH

[Apirateslifeforme]

A few months ago we had a bit of a scary situation, I dont know how to explain it all properly, but I'll do my best.
My concern is that I am worried DH is unable to protect himself or DD.

I'll also preface with, I have extreme generalised anxiety and OCD. I'm pretty much agorophobic.i dont tend to go to town, I do maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most. I'm saying this because it may have some bearing on how I'm feeling (I'll also point out I am on medication and I am seeing a counsellor. I'm trying to work through my issues)

So we went to town one day, I had to go because there was something I'd ordered that DH needed. We were having a fairly good time.
It was later in the day, we had been to get the item we needed, we had popped into boots, had a coffee and a chat, then started to head towards the car.
I saw a security guard hanging around, and a stall owner looking at a young couple, quite concerned.
I sort of noticed and thought it strange but shook it out of my head as nothing strange, maybe me always looking for something to be wrong.

As we were paying for our parking, a man comes up to us, hes asking how to pay for parking (our town gives a few hours free parking on Saturdays and sundays, so we didnt have to pay but you still have to put the coin in)
But hes got a wallet out. I say you've just got to put the coin in the machine, even if you dont have to pay.
We turn and take a few steps, he follows. He says hes done it. He hasn't because he moved with us. And he starts talking about security being up his arse all day.
I move again, and he gets between me and 11 year old daughter. He puts his hand in his pocket and drags out a handful of nuts. He offers DD them. I dont know why, but I was very stern without even thinking I said NO. DD put her hands in her pocket. Shes at an age where shes going to shrug me off if i try to grab her, but i pulled her closer to me as i again stepped away.
We were waiting for a lift, and as we step forward to the lift he positioned himself to go with us, and I'm thinking I dont want to get in a lift with this man, there was a bad feeling that came over me, and I thought its probably quite innocent. I'm probably overreacting, but I cant go upto the carpark with this man. We park on the highest floor of the carpark because its quiet. No way am I risking ending up there with this man.
So just before we step In, DH is in the lift by the way, hes oblivious to what's going on.
I say, shit, I need to go to poundland.
The man turns on his heel and says me too, steps out of the lift, and as I make my way past, I realise security is hanging around, I get close enough that she will hear me, and I say to him
"Can you stop following us, we dont know you. You're making me uncomfortable"
He replies, no, I'm coming too.
I say, still quite loudly, you're a stranger, leave us alone.
Security guard lunges toward him, and they disappear into a lift.
I say to DH that was weird, DD says, my legs felt like concrete when we were going to get in the lift. He was weird. DH says, yeah maybe, so what did we need from poundland.

I say, I didn't, I just needed to be away from him. I could've accepted that maybe he was a bit awkward in social situations or that I was being over cautious until he got out of the lift to follow us, and when I told him he was making me uncomfortable his response wasnt, I'm sorry and leaving us alone. He was so close to us. I've never had this feeling before.

So we get in the lift and I'm trying to not make it into a big thing. I'm sort of thinking, I'm a bit weird myself, maybe he was a bit weird on the other end of the scale. Maybe he thinks that's how you make friends, I'm not going to panic about it.

We get to our car, and there are two women who've got a flat tyre. Hit a kerb on the way up the carpark. So I say to my husband, we should try and help. (Full disclosure, DDog was in the car, as he often is, he can take being left in the car, but not at home, so the boots fully decked out as his "safe space"
As were trying to prize off the tyre- its stuck for some reason, DH and now another man are trying to use brute force to get the wheel off. Loads of noise, dog hasn't made a peep. All of a sudden the dog is going ballistic. I explain the dogs safe place is the car, hes got a bed and toys and everything In the back. He somehow knows were going back to the car.
Before I finish explaining, the man is right beside us. One of tbe women turns to me and mouths she thinks that hes drunk. As the other man speaks to him, I grab DDs hand and go to security downstairs. Just seems beyond weird, hes now talking to two women who are stuck. Security then tells me hes been following women to their cars all day, and trying to force young women to eat his food and get them to leave the town with him.

We go back up with security, and hes trying to break into cars,
He then comes upto me and says security is deciding whether I'm taking him to my home tonight, I told him to leave us alone and he wanted an explanation why I didnt want him around us, then he tried to grab my daughter by the arm, telling her that her mother is crazy, and if she have him a minute to explain they could be friends.

She is 11. This man was 25 or so.

The police were called, not by us but security. I don't even know when, but DH witnessed all of this, and didnt say even one word.

Later at home, he said that he thought the man might've been after the phone we picked up In town. No real concern for DDs safety, didnt pick up on half of what happened.

Its left me feeling like he would completely miss if something like that ever happened again. It freaked me out because it seemed to me like he was only talking to me because I was almost the only thing in the way of him getting to my daughter and DH literally had no concern at all.

How can I trust him to protect her?

I know some people will only pick up on the danger that they are in, and this man made both me and DDs stomachs feel like they were falling out. I feel anxious a lot, but this was on a complete different level, and the barks that my dog let out, I've never in my life heard anything like it. It was a pitch I've never heard from a dog in my life.

What can I do? Am I being U to be worried he wont protect her when hes out because hes just going not realise when theres danger?

What a horrible experience. I am double paranoid due to bad experiences, and I would be bricking it.
You are right to be concerned. The man sounded nuts, totally inappropriate. Your DH was not responding in a protective manner. What's he like usually?

I cannot remember ever being in the presence of any man (partner, friend, relative, bystander) who has not been protective of me, just by instinct, in any hint of threatening/dodgy situation. I don't mean OTT shouting or challenging, but just putting his body between the threat and me, making his presence felt. I do not understand your DH's reaction at all. When the strange man said he wanted to accompany you to PL, your DH did not jump in? And then DH really thought you needed to go to PL? I too am baffled by his cluelessness and lack of reaction.

I do not think your MH condition is relevant in this situation at all.

As PPs have said, please to your DH about it.

And if you can, let us know what he was thinking. I am so curious.

MY DH is like this. Exceptionally passive when it comes to things involving other people. At work or dealing with his own affairs he is perfectly capable of being confident, strident and defending his corner. He just can't stand up for me or DS. Its beyond him. It's one of the things that I have absolutely come to despise about him. He doesn't have our back because he is missing something. It's one of the reasons we are on the road to separation. I can absolutely imagine him in this situation reacting exactly like your DH. The only comfort you can have is that things like this rarely happen and you dealt with it exceptionally well.

Is your husband possibly on the spectrum? I ask because I am, and I struggle to read situations sometimes and people.

Is he on any kind of medication OP? I was also wondering if he may possibly be on the spectrum, or maybe social communication difficulties do that he finds it difficult to interpret social situations or certain types of behaviour?

Jesus OP that sounds terrifying! I get you, my ex is my best friend and I love him dearly but he just doesn't step in at all. Our giant teenaged sons are the same, I think all three of them would hide behind me in a hostile situation. I'm perfectly calm and civilised 99% of the time but if I feel any of us are under threat I do go full on pyschopath, I'm not proud of it but I do feel a lot of pressure to protect my children as he just wouldn't.

I hope your daughter is ok, it sounds like you are teaching her to never appease weirdo men to keep the peace so good for you!

OP have you read The Gift of Fear? I think that you might find it reassuring. Keep on trusting your instincts.

Your DP is frankly a bit dense, but as others have said, men from relatively sheltered backgrounds do not see risk and sense threats the way women do. They should bloody listen though!

I can not believe the amount of posters saying they don't know what you expected your dh to do. Good god, if a drunk weirdo was harassing me and my child, I would fully expect my dp to step in, and I am in no way a shrinking Violet.

V bizarre turn of events. Highly unlikely anything like that would happen again but if it does at least your daughter will know to push back and speak out. YANBU, your dh sounds like he’s on another planet. Perhaps you had it under control but that’s no excuse for him not being aware and having your back.

It's not wanting him to step up because he's a man, but because he's your partner

If you had a woman partner, you'd expect her to back you up in a potentially dangerous situation, not ignore it

Sorry everyone, will try to reply to everything!
As respectfully as possible, I just would like to make a point, to those who have said they wouldn't expect their partner to step in unless someone was being physically abusive, whilst I understand this. I think that your situations are vastly different to mine. Whilst sometimes I can manage what resembles a normal life, even when doing well i struggle with interaction with others, I tend to have my head down, I avoid eye contact if possible, and if I've got to go to a till, it's even a struggle to be able to talk to the person serving me, any more than Hello, thank you, and I cant handle it. Outside of my home, the world is quite scary for me.

Also reading a fee comments, I do see that maybe some of this is DHs background. DH comes from a Naice background. Comes from a small village, I grew up in a few of the more colourful towns! Maybe that's part of why our views are so different.

It's also really good to read that most think its unlikely to happen again, thank you, its reassuring.
I should hope not, because it was so very weird and concerning.

Also, have not read the gift of fear, I've seen it recommended here before, I'll see if I can find it.
Thank you.

This sounds so scary for you and dd

I too would be upset if doh didn’t step in or notice what was happening

My do is quite a shy and unassuming man but seems to always have an eye or ear out for danger and I always feel protected

I think its weird that twice he didnt say or do anything but says now he wo9ld have stepped in if this man had got worse

how many times do you need to be harrassed before he does something

As @dustibooks said earlier, this was a string of once in a lifetime bad luck. That much drama can't happen again! The concern is now it just reinforces your fear of the world. I agree that women have to cope with a more permanent sense of being under threat, but I try to emphasise to my DC that while there are bad people, most people are decent and mean well. I don't want to make out the world's always scary, because that's not the life I want them to have.

I would have thought, that knowing you suffer with anxiety anyway, he should be more alert, not less. If only to (normally) reassure you that all is fine and maybe you are overreacting (not in this instance, obvs)

What a horrible experience.

Bless you op, sounds scary. I would be very disappointed if I were you. I'm so lucky that my DH is very good at reading situations and has confronted people in public when they have been inappropriate. I wonder whether you need to discuss a safe word with your DH if he's struggling to see when you require assistance or some sort of look that you can give him.

Agree its very unlikely to happen again but do you trust him to protect your daughter in certain situations now? I know someone who has a similar dh and she is selective as to where he can take their dcs althou he doesn't realise it, plus her dcs, like yours by the sounds of it, are sensible and streetwise. Her dh just isn't a quick on picking things up and almost panics into frightened rabbit in the headlights mode iyswim.

OP you are not wrong.

If a strange man was to talk to me to thw point i needed assistance fron security i would fully expect dp to step up.
The same way i would step up for a friend/partner.

He sounds like he has no backbone.

Some posters are on a different planet. A strange man followed OP (Who has anxiety to the point of being medicated) and her DD and husband into a lift, then tried to follow them to poundland to the point where security had to intervene. The same strange man then finds them again and tries to get the DD to eat his food and then grabs her! Meanwhile the husband sits back and watches this all unfold

Even if he didng realise the first time. The minute security intervened to remove the strange man and told them that this strange man was following women, the dp would then have been made aware he was a risk. Also that the strange man was being inappropriate and his wife and child were intimidated. So when the man came back a second time, the minute he saw him he should have stepped in now being made aware of it.

Sorry OP but i would lose so much respect for him. It has nothing to do with just him being a male. If me and my friend has a shopping trip and a bloke did this i wouldn't sit back and watch my friend get a harrassed. No way.

He sounds like a coward IMO that puts self preservation above all else.

My husband is very similar and it does worry me to death.

My FIL lost our daughter at a show we were at once when she was 3. I saw her walking towards the exit with a man, woman and young child. I ran over and said in a really panicked voice 'that's my daughter, that's my daughter'. They told me that they had found her wandering and that they couldn't see anyone who had been looking for her so were taking her to the entry/exit area. I am sure they were good people but I don't know them and the reality is that anyone could have picked her up and left with her.

I turned around to see my husband laughing..... fucking laughing!!! He thought it was funny that my daughter was holding the other child's hand and didn't want to let go because 'she had made a friend'. I was standing there panicking about what could have happened and he's thinking it's funny! Never even said a word to his Dad about it either as it 'wasn't a big deal because it was ok in the end'.

I don't expect my husband to do all the defending for us and to be honest I would be the one who was better at it when push came to shove but I do expect him to see potential danger and to protect our kids from it wherever possible. I presume this is what bothers you, the lack of paying attention and seeing danger in a situation that most people would have felt uncomfortable in?

There was a thing on facebook or similiar a while ago reporting on a conference or something about violence towards women. The audience was split into male and female, separated and then asked how often they felt physically threatened (eg monthly, weekly, daily) and how they adapted they behaviour. The male section were reported to be shocked at how often the women felt threatened, the triggers for that feeling and the ways women adapt their lives to counter the threats. The men reported rarely feeling physically threatened.
Sorry this is a very long winded way of saying that some men just don't see the threats we women see. They don't see a male stranger approaching as potentially threatening at least at first, whereas a woman will perceive a man just approaching her as a potential threat and be on her guard. It's something that men have to be made aware of.

Well done OP. Your DP sounds like my ex: fucking oblivious. In fact I have come to realise that part of my anxiety is entirely down to the fact that he couldn't be relied upon to look after our children adequately.
I would regularly warn him about (obvious) dangers and he refused to take action (think boiling pot on stove) and we had two serious incidents where he failed to take my request /advice which resulted directly in our children being harmed. I have never forgiven him. I could never truly relax and went from being Miss Laid Back to Mrs Anxious and Worn Out.

What does your husband version of events sound like though OP? Would he just say there was a weirdo in town but your daughter was in a public place with adults around her and security guards lurking - it happens sadly, especially in town centres when people are drunk or drug taking. It depends what he thought really, if he thought the above why would he step in. If I felt my DD or DS were safe enough I'd ask them to just get in the car and call the police and would be grateful for DP to be minimising the situation for them. These things happen and it won't benefit them to receive messages that the only safe place is home or with a parent.

YANBU to have felt frightened of course, it sounds unpleasant but frankly I would have called the police if a man tried to make physical contact or was threatening to me or a child I was with, in public so that the second encounter could have been avoided and other children would be spared the ordeal.