To not be sure about DH

[Apirateslifeforme]

A few months ago we had a bit of a scary situation, I dont know how to explain it all properly, but I'll do my best.
My concern is that I am worried DH is unable to protect himself or DD.

I'll also preface with, I have extreme generalised anxiety and OCD. I'm pretty much agorophobic.i dont tend to go to town, I do maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most. I'm saying this because it may have some bearing on how I'm feeling (I'll also point out I am on medication and I am seeing a counsellor. I'm trying to work through my issues)

So we went to town one day, I had to go because there was something I'd ordered that DH needed. We were having a fairly good time.
It was later in the day, we had been to get the item we needed, we had popped into boots, had a coffee and a chat, then started to head towards the car.
I saw a security guard hanging around, and a stall owner looking at a young couple, quite concerned.
I sort of noticed and thought it strange but shook it out of my head as nothing strange, maybe me always looking for something to be wrong.

As we were paying for our parking, a man comes up to us, hes asking how to pay for parking (our town gives a few hours free parking on Saturdays and sundays, so we didnt have to pay but you still have to put the coin in)
But hes got a wallet out. I say you've just got to put the coin in the machine, even if you dont have to pay.
We turn and take a few steps, he follows. He says hes done it. He hasn't because he moved with us. And he starts talking about security being up his arse all day.
I move again, and he gets between me and 11 year old daughter. He puts his hand in his pocket and drags out a handful of nuts. He offers DD them. I dont know why, but I was very stern without even thinking I said NO. DD put her hands in her pocket. Shes at an age where shes going to shrug me off if i try to grab her, but i pulled her closer to me as i again stepped away.
We were waiting for a lift, and as we step forward to the lift he positioned himself to go with us, and I'm thinking I dont want to get in a lift with this man, there was a bad feeling that came over me, and I thought its probably quite innocent. I'm probably overreacting, but I cant go upto the carpark with this man. We park on the highest floor of the carpark because its quiet. No way am I risking ending up there with this man.
So just before we step In, DH is in the lift by the way, hes oblivious to what's going on.
I say, shit, I need to go to poundland.
The man turns on his heel and says me too, steps out of the lift, and as I make my way past, I realise security is hanging around, I get close enough that she will hear me, and I say to him
"Can you stop following us, we dont know you. You're making me uncomfortable"
He replies, no, I'm coming too.
I say, still quite loudly, you're a stranger, leave us alone.
Security guard lunges toward him, and they disappear into a lift.
I say to DH that was weird, DD says, my legs felt like concrete when we were going to get in the lift. He was weird. DH says, yeah maybe, so what did we need from poundland.

I say, I didn't, I just needed to be away from him. I could've accepted that maybe he was a bit awkward in social situations or that I was being over cautious until he got out of the lift to follow us, and when I told him he was making me uncomfortable his response wasnt, I'm sorry and leaving us alone. He was so close to us. I've never had this feeling before.

So we get in the lift and I'm trying to not make it into a big thing. I'm sort of thinking, I'm a bit weird myself, maybe he was a bit weird on the other end of the scale. Maybe he thinks that's how you make friends, I'm not going to panic about it.

We get to our car, and there are two women who've got a flat tyre. Hit a kerb on the way up the carpark. So I say to my husband, we should try and help. (Full disclosure, DDog was in the car, as he often is, he can take being left in the car, but not at home, so the boots fully decked out as his "safe space"
As were trying to prize off the tyre- its stuck for some reason, DH and now another man are trying to use brute force to get the wheel off. Loads of noise, dog hasn't made a peep. All of a sudden the dog is going ballistic. I explain the dogs safe place is the car, hes got a bed and toys and everything In the back. He somehow knows were going back to the car.
Before I finish explaining, the man is right beside us. One of tbe women turns to me and mouths she thinks that hes drunk. As the other man speaks to him, I grab DDs hand and go to security downstairs. Just seems beyond weird, hes now talking to two women who are stuck. Security then tells me hes been following women to their cars all day, and trying to force young women to eat his food and get them to leave the town with him.

We go back up with security, and hes trying to break into cars,
He then comes upto me and says security is deciding whether I'm taking him to my home tonight, I told him to leave us alone and he wanted an explanation why I didnt want him around us, then he tried to grab my daughter by the arm, telling her that her mother is crazy, and if she have him a minute to explain they could be friends.

She is 11. This man was 25 or so.

The police were called, not by us but security. I don't even know when, but DH witnessed all of this, and didnt say even one word.

Later at home, he said that he thought the man might've been after the phone we picked up In town. No real concern for DDs safety, didnt pick up on half of what happened.

Its left me feeling like he would completely miss if something like that ever happened again. It freaked me out because it seemed to me like he was only talking to me because I was almost the only thing in the way of him getting to my daughter and DH literally had no concern at all.

How can I trust him to protect her?

I know some people will only pick up on the danger that they are in, and this man made both me and DDs stomachs feel like they were falling out. I feel anxious a lot, but this was on a complete different level, and the barks that my dog let out, I've never in my life heard anything like it. It was a pitch I've never heard from a dog in my life.

What can I do? Am I being U to be worried he wont protect her when hes out because hes just going not realise when theres danger?

Hi OP,
I think this is just another example of men's ignorance to the dangers that women face on an everyday basis. Its not happening to them so it does not exist or we are overreacting. You did the right thing and your DH is oblivious to his own idiocy.
At least you have set your DD a good example by trusting your gut.
Glad your DD has your instinct.

ghostys could be correct that your DH didn't want to escalate it. Men (even ones who follow you) tend to react differently when confronted by a woman rather than a man.

Something similar happened to me once. In the moment, it did make me feel a bit uneasy about DH's instincts and level of concern. And, even now when I think about it, I wonder how the hell he missed the undercurrent of what was happening. But, usually he's very aware of what's going on around us. Maybe your DH was preoccupied for some reason.

What a day. I hope it's better now.

What important here is that you and your daughter are able to identify worrying behaviour and have reacted accordingly. You have set a good example to your daughter.
Something like this is unlikely to happen again.

Don't worry about your husband - he has got this far in life he will be just fine!. Your daughter is much less likely to be targeted whilst with him so no need to make her anxious or worry about going out with him.

Bloody hell you need to get well asap as you can't trust dh to protect your dd in public.

Sorry, going to reply to a few comments at once if it's ok, because a few people have said the same sort of thing.
I struggle to get a sentence out of my mouth to strangers, and because I am so anxious I cant always articulate myself very well, if anyone could escalate a situation without intending to do so, that prize would go to me.
He is the calm one, that comes across as more put together, and I'm sure that he could have handled the situation much better than I did.
He could hear me asking a man, that I do not know to leave us alone, and he point blank refused. I am not an assertive person, I am scared of my own shadow most of the time... I'm pretty pathetic and I was really scared. My husband could have stepped in at any point but he didnt. I couldn't imagine being around anyone in that situation and not getting involved in some way.

I've spent my relationship with my husband, believing that we would keep each other safe. I felt alone in that situation. My husband was so oblivious to a man following us and acting like we were in town together that I had to figure out how to get security to help us who also happened to be a woman.
I'm not sure I'm even articulating this very well. But if he was in the position, of course, I'd be involved.

Yanbu, a drunk creep (pervert/paedo?) was harassing you and your daughter and your husband didn’t help. That’s a horrible feeling.

I’m very sorry this happened to you OP.

Wow that's a really unpleasant experience and that would likely shake up even a most confident person. You handled it brilliantly though.

Have you talked to him specifically about the potential danger to yourself and DD (that this man was acting unpredictably, making a complete public nuisance of himself, using intimidating behaviour etc - I mean saying he'd follow you to the shop?!? My DH is the most mild mannered kind in general but without doubt he would have been telling this bloke to get lost pretty sharp and with no mistake about it.

Don't let it put you off going into town though. It's really important to keep it up otherwise you'll never want to go in and that would be a shame for you and also your DD. It sounds like an unusual occurrence, hopefully a one-off. Would you feel better if you had a personal alarm with you next time?

Also, never be afraid to make a huge fuss. Some people like that rely on people being too scared to make a fuss, so shout up all you like. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" on repeat (whilst you are quickly getting away from him) or something like that. It attracts attention from any other passing people, which is good. Safety in numbers etc. It doesn't have to be a reasoned argument. He wasn't reasonable so you wouldn't have been able to reason with him anyway.

I think you did a really good job keeping you and your daughter safe - well done! I think your anxiety has possibly made the situation worse in your head, if I'm honest. My guess is your DH thought you had it in hand and was able to stay calmer in the situation. If you needed him to step in you should have vocalised that. However, it sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders but I expect if DH and DD were without you he would have dealt with it himself. I don't think the take home from this is 'there are lots of dangerous people around' but 'if we feel unsafe we go to security and they will help'. Hope you feel better soon, OP - no wonder you are shaken. Speak to your DH about it and see what he says.

Perhaps your husband just figured that as he was right there, the weird bloke couldn't do anything actually harmful. Therefore to his way of thinking he was a weird bloke acting weird toward the two of you - annoying but not threatening - rather than an actual threat if you see what I mean. Perhaps if he was alone with daughter he would have viewed the guy as a threat and acted a lot more assertively - though perhaps weird man would not have dared approach your husband+daughter in the first place.

@coconuttelegraph lol, some of it's normal for us. Dog goes everywhere I do, he doesn't handle being left at home for any period of time.
Your guess is as good as mine with the coin, I dont tend to go to town on my own but apparently even if it's free the chipcoin needs to go in the machine so it registers you've "paid"- yeah makes no sense to me, but DH says that's how it works and it seems to so I'll accept that.
With the tyre issue, we will generally always help if we can, it did all feel like an overwhelming amount in what wasnt even 2 hours. Hence why home is so much more comfortable for me.

Oh and your instinct not to get in the lift with him was spot on. SO many people would have felt uncomfortable but may still have done it anyway (usually because, bizarrely, they wouldn't want to "offend" the person causing the distress by suggesting they didn't want to ride with them in a lift/walk the same way). It doesn't matter. You don't owe anybody an explanation.

I think it's a bit unfair that you are judging him for not being able to protect her, when the reason he couldn't is that he was occupied dealing with someone you wanted him to help.

Dealing with a drunk/intimidating/scary man is not a pleasant experience but don't blame your husband for it.

Also, its unclear from your OP. Is your 11 year old daughter also your husbands daughter or from another relationship? If you have been together such a long time surely you know his personality type/reactions extremely well? And can't you just say to him "please could you step in more next time if a strange man approaches, as I feel much more confident with you backing me up" or some such.

Well done OP. You definitely did the right things by acknowledging your gut feelings and acting on them.

I do think that sometimes men are clueless because they haven’t grown up being hassled by men the same as women are routinely hassled. My DH was utterly oblivious when a bloke grabbed my boob when we were on holiday in Tunisia. I was so shocked when it happened that I didn’t move for a few mili-seconds. I was in my thirties and dressed pretty conservatively. I wish I’d screamed and hit him but when DH turned round, the man just scarpered.

The only thing I would add is to teach your daughter that being polite isn’t the most important trait when dealing with unwanted attention, whether from a man or woman. I think that sometimes women still worry about being seen as rude.

Id be having words with dp for sure. That was a really odd situation you were in with that man being intimidating and even if he is bad at picking up threats, even when security guard told you, he didntact protectively or defensively to you or dd. Thats really odd

By the way I think you are articulating yourself very well. I think perhaps if your DH had not stayed calm and became aggressive it could well have escalated the situation. You dealt with it perfectly.

A few people have said that maybe DH felt like I had it in control.
Maybe that is the case. He said if anything more would have happened, then he would have stepped in.

Also, just want to say, I have faith that DD on her own would make the decisions she needs to, to protect herself.
She does go to town with friends. A lot of my therapy has been targeted at me ensuring that DD has decent boundaries, because I'm aware that my experiences in life, and my upbringing are a lot of why I am, the way I am.
I dont want her to feel like her childhood has turned her into an anxious mess, so shes got some good boundaries.
She does a lot of things that I wanted her to be able to do, she goes out with friends, has sleepovers, goes to sleepovers, spends time in town, is able to go to school however she wishes. Ultimately, she knows I'm always there without smothering her (and it's hard!) But shes happy, and gets to do everything that her friends are able to do.

I also think it was a good message to your DD that as a woman you were able to deal with the situation without needing a man to step in. As she grows and will be in town alone with a girl friend she knows how to deal with it without being afraid her DF/another man isn't there to help.

@hont1986 I knew I wasnt doing well explaining myself, it wasnt so much at that point, there were several points where he wasnt involved with anything, but didnt say a word to this man.
All I'd have really expected was, my wife has told you to leave us alone, now go away please.
Or something similar.

I think theres a couple of things to consider:

1. He might not have felt that there was much danger because a) hes a man and doesn't experience the innate fear women do and b) he thought he could handle something if this bloke kicked off.

2. You may have interpreted some of the situation through the lens of your anxiety I.E it might not have been as dangerous as it felt.

However, what on earth were the security doing if they knew he had been following women? jesus.

I think that to a certain extent women have a bigger inner warning alarm than men do. Maybe because we are raised to be a bit more mistrusting of strangers (especially male strangers) and a lifetime of that being taught to you and hearing/reading what happens to some women will make you listen to your gut instinct.

However.

If my OH (who is very non confrontational) acted the way yours did I would be extremely upset. It wouldn't be that I would expect him to charge to the rescue - of the 2 of us, I do the rescuing mostly - but I would expect him to have my back and if not mine, then his childs!

However.

A man stepping into that situation especially if the stranger was under the influence could have made the situation violent very very easily. Perhaps that's what your OH was worried about?

You did incredibly well with how you handled it all. I hope your dd was ok x

You did fantastically well OP I would be upset too. Fwiw, my ex would have behaved the same as your th, out of fear I think.