To not be sure about DH

[Apirateslifeforme]

A few months ago we had a bit of a scary situation, I dont know how to explain it all properly, but I'll do my best.
My concern is that I am worried DH is unable to protect himself or DD.

I'll also preface with, I have extreme generalised anxiety and OCD. I'm pretty much agorophobic.i dont tend to go to town, I do maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most. I'm saying this because it may have some bearing on how I'm feeling (I'll also point out I am on medication and I am seeing a counsellor. I'm trying to work through my issues)

So we went to town one day, I had to go because there was something I'd ordered that DH needed. We were having a fairly good time.
It was later in the day, we had been to get the item we needed, we had popped into boots, had a coffee and a chat, then started to head towards the car.
I saw a security guard hanging around, and a stall owner looking at a young couple, quite concerned.
I sort of noticed and thought it strange but shook it out of my head as nothing strange, maybe me always looking for something to be wrong.

As we were paying for our parking, a man comes up to us, hes asking how to pay for parking (our town gives a few hours free parking on Saturdays and sundays, so we didnt have to pay but you still have to put the coin in)
But hes got a wallet out. I say you've just got to put the coin in the machine, even if you dont have to pay.
We turn and take a few steps, he follows. He says hes done it. He hasn't because he moved with us. And he starts talking about security being up his arse all day.
I move again, and he gets between me and 11 year old daughter. He puts his hand in his pocket and drags out a handful of nuts. He offers DD them. I dont know why, but I was very stern without even thinking I said NO. DD put her hands in her pocket. Shes at an age where shes going to shrug me off if i try to grab her, but i pulled her closer to me as i again stepped away.
We were waiting for a lift, and as we step forward to the lift he positioned himself to go with us, and I'm thinking I dont want to get in a lift with this man, there was a bad feeling that came over me, and I thought its probably quite innocent. I'm probably overreacting, but I cant go upto the carpark with this man. We park on the highest floor of the carpark because its quiet. No way am I risking ending up there with this man.
So just before we step In, DH is in the lift by the way, hes oblivious to what's going on.
I say, shit, I need to go to poundland.
The man turns on his heel and says me too, steps out of the lift, and as I make my way past, I realise security is hanging around, I get close enough that she will hear me, and I say to him
"Can you stop following us, we dont know you. You're making me uncomfortable"
He replies, no, I'm coming too.
I say, still quite loudly, you're a stranger, leave us alone.
Security guard lunges toward him, and they disappear into a lift.
I say to DH that was weird, DD says, my legs felt like concrete when we were going to get in the lift. He was weird. DH says, yeah maybe, so what did we need from poundland.

I say, I didn't, I just needed to be away from him. I could've accepted that maybe he was a bit awkward in social situations or that I was being over cautious until he got out of the lift to follow us, and when I told him he was making me uncomfortable his response wasnt, I'm sorry and leaving us alone. He was so close to us. I've never had this feeling before.

So we get in the lift and I'm trying to not make it into a big thing. I'm sort of thinking, I'm a bit weird myself, maybe he was a bit weird on the other end of the scale. Maybe he thinks that's how you make friends, I'm not going to panic about it.

We get to our car, and there are two women who've got a flat tyre. Hit a kerb on the way up the carpark. So I say to my husband, we should try and help. (Full disclosure, DDog was in the car, as he often is, he can take being left in the car, but not at home, so the boots fully decked out as his "safe space"
As were trying to prize off the tyre- its stuck for some reason, DH and now another man are trying to use brute force to get the wheel off. Loads of noise, dog hasn't made a peep. All of a sudden the dog is going ballistic. I explain the dogs safe place is the car, hes got a bed and toys and everything In the back. He somehow knows were going back to the car.
Before I finish explaining, the man is right beside us. One of tbe women turns to me and mouths she thinks that hes drunk. As the other man speaks to him, I grab DDs hand and go to security downstairs. Just seems beyond weird, hes now talking to two women who are stuck. Security then tells me hes been following women to their cars all day, and trying to force young women to eat his food and get them to leave the town with him.

We go back up with security, and hes trying to break into cars,
He then comes upto me and says security is deciding whether I'm taking him to my home tonight, I told him to leave us alone and he wanted an explanation why I didnt want him around us, then he tried to grab my daughter by the arm, telling her that her mother is crazy, and if she have him a minute to explain they could be friends.

She is 11. This man was 25 or so.

The police were called, not by us but security. I don't even know when, but DH witnessed all of this, and didnt say even one word.

Later at home, he said that he thought the man might've been after the phone we picked up In town. No real concern for DDs safety, didnt pick up on half of what happened.

Its left me feeling like he would completely miss if something like that ever happened again. It freaked me out because it seemed to me like he was only talking to me because I was almost the only thing in the way of him getting to my daughter and DH literally had no concern at all.

How can I trust him to protect her?

I know some people will only pick up on the danger that they are in, and this man made both me and DDs stomachs feel like they were falling out. I feel anxious a lot, but this was on a complete different level, and the barks that my dog let out, I've never in my life heard anything like it. It was a pitch I've never heard from a dog in my life.

What can I do? Am I being U to be worried he wont protect her when hes out because hes just going not realise when theres danger?

It's also a valid point that men do not pick up on what it's like to be a woman, and the dangers we run into. I've sort of discussed it with him in the past, but I think hes wrote it off as anxiety. I think that comes from him viewing women as equal for the most part.

It seems to me that you unfortunately had a once-in-a-lifetime run-in with a raving nutter.

Nothing like that is ever going to happen again. It really won't.

Also, I just wanted to add. My OH is rubbish at reading social situations. We were raised VERY differently. He grew up in the south in a verrr nice sheltered middle class home for the most part. I grew up on a rough-ish estate and had a Dad who was intent on me and my siblings knowing how to handle ourselves which meant that we grew up with street smarts. Something I thought everyone just had naturally, they really REALLY don't!

You said this was a few months ago OP, why bring it up now? Has something else made you question your husband's backbone observation 'skills'?

You dealt with this really well OP, especially given your anxiety. Your DH seems to have been as useful as a chocolate teapot in the situation, can't believe he didn't react at all, it's totally bizarre.

That's awful but the security guards should not have allowed it to carry on that long, they should have called the police much earlier.

Your DH's lack of concern or reaction is a little weird it must be said.

@Cam77 that's a good point. I know him to be quite passive, but hes also management in the construction industry, so quite used to having to tell people things they domt always want to hear. So maybe thats part of my problem, I expected him to swoop in and manage the situation, I can own it if I'm at fault!
And biologically he isnt DDs father, weve been together since she was 2, and we were told 6 years ago it was quite unlikely he would be able to father a child, so if anything that made him think of DD as not only his daughter, but the only one he will ever have. They're close and he is a good dad, just oblivious to some things, and I feel guilty feeling the way I do because if he realised there was a danger he would do anything for her.

Yeah my husband would have definitely reacted to that - there is no what he would have let the man touch our DD or even talk to her if he was acting weird. It is strange that your husband did not react!

The man's behaviour was indeed very strange, and I would feel pretty freaked out by it. I would also find your dh's behaviour very odd, my dh would have got between us and the man and told him to sling his hook. I can only assume that your dh wasn't paying attention and as he himself didn't feel threatened, it didn't occur to him that you did. Your DD sounds very sensible and aware of her surroundings so you have done a good job there. Agree with pp that you were very unfortunate to be in this situation and it's very unlikely that anything like that will happen again. I have to admit I would be very cross if my dh was that clueless though.

He sounds useless, I think you need to sit and have a serious chat with him about this, with DD present, what happened and why it made you both feel scared and uncomfortable, and what he should have done. Maybe hearing it from his daughter will help him realise he needs to step up.

It's not about 'protecting' you as a man, it's just being there for backup,, to help you in strange situations. I'm sure if a female friend was there with you she would have done a lot more.

Yes to not leaving dog in car

Wow. That sounds really scary . I’d be really angry if my dh acted completely oblivious to a potentially dangerous situation so I don’t blame you for feeling like he can’t protect you or your dd .

Oh dear, a rare trip to town seems to have confirmed your worst fears. Added to that, you DH was not in the least bit concerned by the situation, which makes you even more vulnerable to future attacks. How can you win in this situation?

My DH would never step in to protect me or our boys. Its just not in his DNA. He thinks we can protect ourselves. He also doesn't have a jealous bone in his body. He could walk in and I could be in bed naked with another man and he would think there was probably a perfectly logical reason for it. I have always been the protector. It used to bother me but now I'm over it. Its just our lot. We have 5 sons and most have become very protective. My oldest is just like dad. I guess we all have our strengths.

Hmm, the whole situation is odd. I just wonder whether your perception of the level of ‘danger’ was different than your DH and he thought you were doing fine, being assertive with the guy? My DH wouldn’t step in if he thought I had it and I wouldn’t look to him to ‘protect’ me, I can do that myself.

This sounds terrifying, I don't blame you for feeling concerned. I also have generalised anxiety disorder so my DH is used to having to give me a bit of an eye roll and talking down, but when we've been in situations where people have acted odd or threatening towards me he has always noticed and stepped up.

OP - I just want reiterate that you did brilliantly And you should take a good deal of confidence from the way you reacted, especially given your other difficulties you have described. Your gut instinct was spot on. Don’t doubt yourself. This would be stressful for anyone and you have proved to yourself that you are not anxious and you can cope in the wider world.

Most husbands would have stepped on when he offered toys DD the nuts, if not before. This is extremely odd indeed.

Even the dog sensed the danger from inside the car fgs!

This is not a case of “men don’t get what it’s like to be a woman” No, that’s a silly excuse because in this scenario, it’s blatantly obvious unless you’re in a comatose state.

The man tried to follow you to Poundland At what point would your DH have intervened. Sounds like he’d have been happy for this man to ride home with you all and maybe stay over!

What is wrong with him?

I don’t know what to say really. As for all the people who say tour DH had no duty to protect you just because he’s a man, er... yes he does. Just like a mother would have an instinct to protect her child (as you did).

If there was a burglar in your house, would he just go back to sleep and let you sort it?

My DH is the same. I love him to death but we were in a situation a few years ago when a man we bought a car from was acting aggressively and shouting at me. DH did nothing. It sounds like such an awful experience for you and your DD. Am shocked the police wasnt called earlier! But we have some men that constantly hassle women in our local town for money. So far nothing has been done about it. Very scary for the women who are approached, especially at night. I think you handled it really really well and showed your daughter a fantastic example of what to do. My husband is the epitome of chilled that it doesn't ever register on his radar to make a fuss. His parents are the same x

I agree Paquita, DH has never had to stand up for me against another person, he would rightly assume that I could stand up for myself in a non-violent situation. The only time that he has ever reacted was when a large dog was sprinting towards us in a very aggressive way. He put himself between me and the dog without a moment's hesitation. It's not that he doesn't care, his danger threshold is just low.

You say your DH was oblivious - did he actually hear and see everything, or did he just ignore it? Very odd.

Having said that, I wouldn't worry too much about him not being able to protect himself or DD, how often do situations like the above happen? Very rare - I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it.

alltaking I would disagree in that although nothing violent had taken place, the erratic/odd/intimidating manner and words of the man would alert most people to the unpredicatable nature of the situation and assume that violence could follow.

It'd be different in (for example) a situation in which the OP and the other person were on more equal footing. i.e other person was known to OP and not a complete stranger, other person keeping a safe/social distance even if they were expressing an opinion hotly/having a heated debate/ OP was on own and not in charge of a child. That in itself is extremely worrying, that a man would make a nuisance of himself around OP whilst she was alone with her child. A lot of people might have a go at a lone woman but not many a woman with a child. It just shows how far off the radar of normal behaviour this man was. Ergo, anything could have happened. (it didn't obvs but you can't assume there would never be any violence).

Also there's a difference between taking over from someone who is handling it, and supporting via body language showing they are ready to step in and defend. It doesn't sound like OP feels her DH assumed she "had" the situation and was letting her crack on by standing shoulder to shoulder without actually taking the man on himself in the manner you descrbie, she seems to feel he was oblivious to the discomfort/distress this man was causing her and by extension their DD altogether.

I just wonder whether your perception of the level of ‘danger’ was different than your DH and he thought you were doing fine, being assertive with the guy? My DH wouldn’t step in if he thought I had it and I wouldn’t look to him to ‘protect’ me, this

I'm pretty sure if the situation arose hes not going to let some nutter walk off with your child.

I think you handled things pretty well and set a good example to your DD.

My experience is that many (most?) men are oblivious to the potential for danger encounters like this represent as they haven't had the need to develop the fine tuning to danger that women develop as a defence mechanism from an early age. I like to think my DP would have intervened in all of this, but I can't be sure. He would certainly not have any intuitive sense of danger and would only have waded in quite late in proceedings if he could see I was upset or frightened.

You need to talk to him. My DP is constantly surprised by things I mention to him as weird/dodgy/fear-inducing but gets it once its pointed out to him.

Are you worried your mental health history will give you a credibility gap when you try to explain this to him? If so, perhaps this thread and our opinions will give your perspective some weight.

“I'm pretty sure if the situation arose hes not going to let some nutter walk off with your child.”

But who would it need to get to the point what’s the man was dragging the child off for him to intervene? Most people sense unhinged individuals in the general public very quickly.

He could have pulled a knife. Then what?

why, not who - sorry!