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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in men’s changing room

180 replies

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 11:18

Firstly this is NOT a trans issue, if it was I would have posted in Feminism
DS is 11 . He has a weekly swimming lesson at a school owned pool but the lesson is privately run. All the other children are of a similar age.
Every week one of the Mums goes into the men’s/boys changing rooms after the lesson to help her son get showered and changed. The boy is 10 and as far as I know (although obviously there’s no reason I would know if it wasn’t the case) there are no SN.
DS has mentioned that he is a bit uncomfortable with it, he is starting to show signs of puberty and he won’t use the showers as this woman is standing there - according to DS she helps her son wash his hair and holds his towel for when he gets out. There are no cubicles that DS can use and while he says the woman seems nice and isn’t really doing anything inappropriate he would rather she wants there.
What is the view on this? Initially I didn’t think much of it but since DS has said he’s not comfortable with it should I mention it to the teacher?
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age. Plus DS is usually pretty chilled about things like that, he’s happy to walk round naked upstairs at home so if he’s mentioning it it’s obviously bothering him
I’m genuinely interested in other opinions

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 06/02/2020 16:01

Theres no excuse for her being in there. If he needs help she needs to arrange something with the staff

HeresMe · 06/02/2020 16:30

I've read it all now you can't shower naked in a single sex changing room according to some people.

Coyoacan · 06/02/2020 16:49

Just swiftly read this, but people suggesting solutions the OP's son can implement are ignoring the invasion of privacy of all the other boys there. A lot of children don't necessarily have such good communication with their parents or sense of boundaries but their needs are important too.

SerendipityJane · 06/02/2020 16:53

I've read it all now you can't shower naked in a single sex changing room according to some people.

You must be new here Grin

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3754015-bare-bum-in-dressing-room-aibu

MsTSwift · 06/02/2020 16:53

An acquaintance went into the men’s to help her son. She’s one of those self absorbed only my kids matter types. The men in there went mad and she got properly told off by the management. Surprised this lady getting away with it week after week!

DejaVoodoo · 06/02/2020 16:57

Serendipity that thread was hilarious... a woman complaining about naked man in the men’s changing room! 😂

Jux · 06/02/2020 17:09

Has your ds asked the boy why his mum goes in with him? ime, children respond to children, and if the boy is asked why she's there he's more likely to tell her to stop. He may well want her to stop but she may be refusing to let go.

pigsDOfly · 06/02/2020 20:07

HeresMe That's a new one on me too.

I've been to quite a number of different swimming pools and, years ago, a gym. All the women showering with no clothes on and walking around naked in front of other women, in the women's changing room, obviously have not heard of the 'no naked bodies in changing rooms' rule either.

It's a changing room, where you change. How do you do that without taking your clothes off?

wellbehavedwomen · 06/02/2020 20:11

It's a changing room, where you change. How do you do that without taking your clothes off?

You identify as fully-clothed?

pigsDOfly · 06/02/2020 20:14

You identify as fully-clothed?

Obviously!

DesignedForLife · 06/02/2020 20:14

Both the swimming pools we go to have a cut off age of 8 for the opposite sex to be present. She’s well over that. An adult should not be in the changing rooms of the opposite sex.

PityParty4one · 06/02/2020 23:17

Has your ds asked the boy why his mum goes in with him? ime, children respond to children, and if the boy is asked why she's there he's more likely to tell her to stop. He may well want her to stop but she may be refusing to let go.

It's not a 10 year olds job to approach and adult or a child and check their behaviour!!

The adult in this situation needs speaking to by other adults.
The children are not responsible for this.

BlokeTarget · 06/02/2020 23:41

Please report this OP.

whether it’s to the staff or directly to the mother.

If your son has had the courage and forethought to tell you he’s uncomfortable about this situation. he’s signposting for help.

It’s not fair on him tk have his privacy compromised by a mother who has no regard for others privacy of safety ( yes I’m well aware of the stats 99% male etc)

I’m sure it’s nothing, but it may be something.

If it WERE for special needs , and the mother refuses to not attend to her son then your son loses out entirely - as hell always be uncomfortable with the situation.

Your poor DS it’s a difficult situation to be in!
Flowers

thumpingrug · 06/02/2020 23:55

I dont think this would even be a question being asked if it was a man going into the changing room of 10 year old girls and watching then shower. I see no difference. Its wrong and needs stopping.

MrsHusky · 07/02/2020 00:36

my pool has unisex, cubicled changing rooms, its got a communal shower where you can shower in your swimmers, or cubicle showers (with doors, not curtains) if you want to shower privately.. also got family changing rooms.

my 13yo is disabled, but looks perfectly 'abled' but he wouldn't be able to shower/change without assistance. I dont know what i'd do if my swimming pool didnt have the facilities it does.. it really can't be easy!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 07/02/2020 11:10

MrsHusky, a mixed-sex, cubicled changing village is a completely different kettle of fish to a same-sex communal one though?

messolini9 · 07/02/2020 11:17

Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss

He's not.

If you had an 11 year old DD, would you accuse her of "making an unnecessary fuss" because a grown man was in her changing room?

Why should DS not get the same rights to privacy & respect?

messolini9 · 07/02/2020 11:22

I hope by the time he’s married she’s not still waiting by the shower with a towel.

Quite, @Floribundance.
In the absence of SN, this mother's doing a fine job of raising a little prince of learned helplessness, & in a couple of decades yet another woman will be starting a thread on here about carrying the entire domestc load.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2020 11:23

messolini if you read my post properly and then my subsequent ones you will see that while that was my initial (incorrect) though but then I decided that wasn’t the case, hence my post

OP posts:
SoCrimeaRiver · 07/02/2020 11:36

We have a leisure centre near here which just had male and female changing rooms. DS is 10 so I sat outside and waited whilst DS took a glacially long time to get dressed and apparently failed to work out how to switch on the shower. After a few weeks, I went into the ladies, worked out how to switch on the shower (twist a handle rather than just pressa button) and explained this to DS. I wouldn't have dreamed of going in to the gents to show him. Thankfully he's now changed groups so we're at a different centre with family cubicles.

I'll be watching with interest for when this woman meets your DH next week OP, but email the centre in the meantime to complain about her conduct so they're forewarned when she tries the same next week.

NearlyGranny · 07/02/2020 11:56

A quick word with the teacher who accompanies the group might be a useful start, OP. You could say you have concerns but understand if the child has needs and you aren't asking to know! It's possible the teacher doesn't even realise this is happening. Ask whether the mother can be asked to use a family room if there is one.

Your DH might be able to go in and look askance at her, but encroaching people (if she is one) can be impervious.

If all else fails, why not organise all the mums to come in and try to coddle their boys and have the boys yell at them to get out?

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2020 12:23

DH is the most non confrontational person on the planet, he won’t be saying anything to her to even giving her funny looks I guarantee!
He wants to go in and see exactly what is happening- not from the point of view that she is any kind of “perv” but to see if the boy does actually get help (DS says she just hands him things) or what the lay out is generally to see if DS can get some privacy. Once we know that I will speak to the Teacher, who is the only staff there.
The class is about 6 or 7 kids. Only 3 or 4 boys So going in en mass to make a point isn’t an option, especially since the parents tend to be 50/50 mums/dads with an odd grandparent thrown in sometimes

OP posts:
YasssKween · 07/02/2020 12:43

Sounds like you agree with this already OP which is great but just my thoughts.

This isn't about abuse, she doesn't have to be a dodgy character or "perv" for it to be inappropriate and for your son to be well within his rights to say it makes him too uncomfortable.

The rules are there for a reason and nobody would say this was OK if the genders were reversed. This isn't just because of a fear of a father being a girls changing room being abusive, it's also because we want girls to feel safe, not embarrassed and comfortable.

We should afford boys the same rights and to be honest it's been really heartening to see (almost) everyone on this thread being so level headed about this and respecting your sons right to feel comfortable.

If the boy does have additional needs that require his mum to help then she needs to work with the club to organise a way of him attending and enjoying the classes that doesn't veto the other boys' right to feel safe and comfortable.

It sucks and I get that - I myself have recently become disabled, but my needs do not trump those of able bodied people if it means they will feel unsafe.

The goal should be for the club to facilitate measures that mean the classes can be safely enjoyed by the children who attend. You are absolutely right to discuss this with them.

wellbehavedwomen · 07/02/2020 13:20

Agreed. My kids are disabled. I use a disabled space to assist my son when we go out now, and so far, there's always been one. I'd ask for an appropriate space if there weren't.

He's much too old to use the women's spaces with me now. And I'd not dream of invading the men's.

Thurmanmurman · 07/02/2020 13:52

Unacceptable. If it was the other way around you wouldn't even need to ask. Report her quietly to the staff. Some people are so bloody clueless it infuriates me.