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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in men’s changing room

180 replies

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 11:18

Firstly this is NOT a trans issue, if it was I would have posted in Feminism
DS is 11 . He has a weekly swimming lesson at a school owned pool but the lesson is privately run. All the other children are of a similar age.
Every week one of the Mums goes into the men’s/boys changing rooms after the lesson to help her son get showered and changed. The boy is 10 and as far as I know (although obviously there’s no reason I would know if it wasn’t the case) there are no SN.
DS has mentioned that he is a bit uncomfortable with it, he is starting to show signs of puberty and he won’t use the showers as this woman is standing there - according to DS she helps her son wash his hair and holds his towel for when he gets out. There are no cubicles that DS can use and while he says the woman seems nice and isn’t really doing anything inappropriate he would rather she wants there.
What is the view on this? Initially I didn’t think much of it but since DS has said he’s not comfortable with it should I mention it to the teacher?
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age. Plus DS is usually pretty chilled about things like that, he’s happy to walk round naked upstairs at home so if he’s mentioning it it’s obviously bothering him
I’m genuinely interested in other opinions

OP posts:
DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 06/02/2020 13:09

If its anything like DS' swimming lessons and the DS does have difficulties getting dressed then she is in a bit of a bind, he is not allowed in the female changing rooms and she is not allowed in the males, I don't believe where DS has his swimming lessons there is another choice, I would certainly raise it, but be warned you might find yourself in the position of having to move your DS this is what happened to me

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2020 13:10

Pinkypie86

It needs reporting so the staff at the venue can handle the situation.

ICouldHaveBeenAContender · 06/02/2020 13:12

I suspect its a mum who can't get to grips with the fact her little boy is growing up. Unless he has a problem he should be capable of showering and changing on his own. She needs to let go.

Agree.
Yes, mention it.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 13:13

Fair enough pinky
I’m really sorry that you’ve found this upsetting, I appreciate that some 10 year old boys and girls do need parental help with personal care and getting dressed but I’m pretty certain it’s not the case here.
From watching the general mother/son interaction during the lesson I just get the impression she babies him in general. DS says from what he’s seen there is no need for her to be there - although I appreciate that at age 11 he may well not know, but he says she “ hands him things and shampoos his hair”

OP posts:
Skysblue · 06/02/2020 13:18

This issue comes up fairly regularly. Parents who want to help their child after swimming have to use the changing room belonging to their own gender (says our swim school). She should be taking her son into the ladies if he isn’t old enough to shower alone.

Frothybothie · 06/02/2020 13:21

There are many cases of females abusing male children and female children now.

BohoBunney · 06/02/2020 13:22

I used to work in a pool and this would absolutely not be acceptable (although we had a unisex changing village after a refurb). If the changing rooms are single sex, she shouldn't be in there full stop. The boy should be using his own sex changing room after 8 yo (although this may vary depending on your pool's policies). Report to a member of staff next time you are in and they will speak to her.

SarahTancredi · 06/02/2020 13:23

She should not be there. And hes too old to take in the womens.

She should use a cubicle and if hes ten and not able to sort himself out she either needs to let go and/or make him learn if hes able too and if hes not able to he probably qualifies to he able to use the accessible changing room.

Blackbear19 · 06/02/2020 13:25

It's a catch 22, at 10 she'd get slaughtered for taking him in the ladies.

Honestly my best solution is for him to get himself dried and get showered at home.
Mine would spend ages in the shower but not actually wash any bit of him if he used the pool showers.

Many are assuming their is a 3rd space, school pools probably don't have a 3rd changing space.

PixieDustt · 06/02/2020 13:27

YANBU. She should use family change. Bit weird imo.

wellbehavedwomen · 06/02/2020 13:29

My son would need help. I would ask for alternative spaces. I wouldn't go into the men's and make men and boys uncomfortable. And he's very vulnerable and, bluntly, would not be safe in single sex male provision.

One of the reasons we need third spaces is exactly this, really. It would help more than trans people. It would help opposite sex parents and carers, too. Nobody would lose out, and several would gain.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/02/2020 13:33

@NearLifeExperience

Yes I accept you did but you gave her clause to stop it being anything more than a mistake on her part.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2020 13:33

If a special arrangement had been made with the swimming lesson company, allowing her to be there, parents of the other boys would have been informed. They haven't, so it's reasonable to infer that no such arrangements are in place.

Special arrangements without a 'third changing space' are possible. One party, either the child needing help, or everyone else, could go first and leave, before the other(s) use the room. Standing aroung getting cold after swimming isn't ideal but people can wrap up in towels or bathrobes.

pigsDOfly · 06/02/2020 13:37

This is completely unacceptable and your DS is not making 'an unnecessary fuss' OP.

He and his fellow swimmers are entitled to be as comfortable in the men's changing room as girls and women are in theirs.

And unless the 10 year old has some particular needs that mean he's unable to shower and wash his own hair, in which case provisions have to be made for him, this woman has some serious boundary issues and needs to be reported.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/02/2020 13:38

Hopefully there is somewhere your son or she and her son can go, that make it more comfortable for everyone. She isn't looking though is she?

OP's son is a 10yo boy, so there is indeed somewhere he can go - the male changing rooms. He currently correctly does this, but is unable to use the showers as this woman's belief that the rules don't apply to her makes him feel too uncomfortable to do so.

Do you think that women should have to give up their rights, dignity and safe spaces by letting men in too, so as to enable them to feel 'comfortable' as well? No? Then it works both ways.

Double standards do nobody any favours at all. If the first step is to say "Oh, I'm just a woman, don't mind me - I'm harmless and I won't be any bother," the next logical step is to conclude that "I don't matter, I'm not a person in my own right - I'm just an unimportant, insignificant accessory to help other (male) people."

We get the same with the issue of strip clubs. If men going to see female strippers is sleazy and demeaning (which it is), then why is it just a bit of fun and a harmless laugh if women go to watch male strippers?

Porcupineinwaiting · 06/02/2020 13:39

YANBU

My sons had the same issue years ago. We complained to the centre managers and she (the mother) was told to desist. She then started taking her son into the girls changing. Hmm Not sure what happened after that.

kateandme · 06/02/2020 13:42

the boy could need help for many reasons.not just sn.
but then the pool needs to accomadate them.i wouldnt try to "report" as if getting them into trouble.id like to think it just incredibly thoughtless but not sinister on her part so lets not shame her and her boy.of course if it is because little Jonty is treated like a prince then no its not right.
i know of one boy after cancer treatment has lost motor skills to do this and would need help.and one girl with ocd who need.
assistance.but they are given a seperate area and rightly so.
either way you need to mention it.and they need to act on that.

NearLifeExperience · 06/02/2020 13:42

@Cheeseandwin5

Well it’s definitely a mistake on her part, but it is likely that she’s only there to help her son rather than because she’s a pervert. It’s ridiculous to claim that she’s definitely there for nefarious purposes and allow no other possibility.

No way should she be there, though, for whatever reason. She’s pretty damn stupid not to see that.

MrMeSeeks · 06/02/2020 13:44

Not sure whether yabu or yanbu, but your son is certainly not being unreasonable!!
Say something!!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/02/2020 13:44

If there really is no other solution and the lad isn't able to manage on his own, could he not get ready before and wear some joggers over his trunks, then put them back on afterwards and finish drying himself off and showering at home?

As a PP said, unless the boy does have specific needs, she sounds like the kind of mum who brings her little prince up to just let women do everything for him and storing up shedloads of problems for his future wife, when he expects her to take over as a replacement mother.

Pinkypie86 · 06/02/2020 13:49

So, If a Dad was in there helping his son would we be having this discussion? Just playing devil's advocate here?

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2020 13:50

No, why would we? They're both over 8 and in the correct changing room.

DiegoSaber · 06/02/2020 13:51

Simple. I would just talk to reception/management. I'm very sure it's against their rules. Let them handle it.

If he has special needs, presumably a disabled changing room should exist for that purpose?

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2020 13:52

So, If a Dad was in there helping his son would we be having this discussion? Just playing devil's advocate here?

If a man was in the male changing room helping his son, there’s no need for this discussion. If a man was in the female changing room helping his daughter, we absolutely would be having the same discussion.

NearLifeExperience · 06/02/2020 13:52

So, If a Dad was in there helping his son would we be having this discussion?

Of course not. What a strange question.

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