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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in men’s changing room

180 replies

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 11:18

Firstly this is NOT a trans issue, if it was I would have posted in Feminism
DS is 11 . He has a weekly swimming lesson at a school owned pool but the lesson is privately run. All the other children are of a similar age.
Every week one of the Mums goes into the men’s/boys changing rooms after the lesson to help her son get showered and changed. The boy is 10 and as far as I know (although obviously there’s no reason I would know if it wasn’t the case) there are no SN.
DS has mentioned that he is a bit uncomfortable with it, he is starting to show signs of puberty and he won’t use the showers as this woman is standing there - according to DS she helps her son wash his hair and holds his towel for when he gets out. There are no cubicles that DS can use and while he says the woman seems nice and isn’t really doing anything inappropriate he would rather she wants there.
What is the view on this? Initially I didn’t think much of it but since DS has said he’s not comfortable with it should I mention it to the teacher?
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age. Plus DS is usually pretty chilled about things like that, he’s happy to walk round naked upstairs at home so if he’s mentioning it it’s obviously bothering him
I’m genuinely interested in other opinions

OP posts:
hydeandrun · 06/02/2020 11:57

not ok at all. I would mention it to the owner. She should not be there.

If the boy needs assistance, there are usually disabled/family changing rooms to accommodate these needs. I have an similar aged DD and I would not have it if a dad would access the girls shower/changing rooms.

LisBethSalander07 · 06/02/2020 11:58

Poor kid, I'd actually think you were doing him a favour by reporting it.

A 10 year old having a shower with mum waiting? That's batshit.

He must feel really embarrassed by her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/02/2020 11:58

It’s not OK. The boys are entitled to a single sex space as much as the girls. If her DS needs her assistance then they should use an accessible changing area or family changing room.

NearLifeExperience · 06/02/2020 11:59

Cheeseandwin5

Did you actually read my whole post? I made it clear that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and needs to stop pronto.

SafferUpNorth · 06/02/2020 12:00

My DS (10) is in a swim class with exactly the same set-up. There is no need for a mum to help a boy (no SN) of that age in the men's changing room --- there's absolutely no way my DS would ever let me stand there to towel his hair!!

At this age they are becoming more self-conscious, so I would say it's inappropriate for parents of the opposite sex to enter changing rooms. Speak to the pool staff and lesson provider - hopefully they can have a quiet, non-confrontational word with the parent.

Ginkypig · 06/02/2020 12:01

Cheese I get the impression that she know already that isnt the right attitude to have and her mentioning it while acknowledging her opinion would be different if the sexes were reversed is her showing that she has noticed and is surprised at where her head initially went in response to this situation.

She obviously realises because she hasn't just told him to suck it up and has started this thread to gain advice about how to realistically deal with this so her son is comfortable and his needs and rights are respected.

BatShite · 06/02/2020 12:04

Women should not be in mens changing rooms any more than men should be in womens. The man in the womens is likely to cause more of a response given..well stats and how things are. However that does not mean men and boys need to put up with grown women around them when changing. It might not be 'dangerous' as such, like the other way around, but if they want privacy, they are bloody entitled to it.

BobbyBlueCat · 06/02/2020 12:04

Reverse this.

If it was a dad washing his 10 year old girl in a female changing room whilst other 10 year old girls going through puberty were there, would you be as reluctant to say something?
Especially of your daughter was saying the man being in the showers was making her feel uncomfortable.

Report it. No question.
Kids are cruel and if the other kid is NT then it's not long before his life is going to be made a misery if mummy keeps having to help him have a wash in front of his mates. So do it for him if nobody else.

SafferUpNorth · 06/02/2020 12:08

... besides, with younger children who cannot get changed independently yet (say under 6/7) the norm is for the parent to use the changing room appropriate to them - ie a mum with DS would use female changing and preferably in a cubicle.

So it's downright creepy to have a mum in the male changing. Imagine it was a dad in the female changing.... wouldn't go down well!!!

Nquartz · 06/02/2020 12:09

As mentioned up thread, our local pools all say children over 8 in the changing room for their sex, under 8 they go in the changing room of the parent.

Definitely report her to someone

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2020 12:11

Not acceptable.

If her son requires assistance, provisions should be made.

Your son absolutely has the right to privacy when he’s getting changed and you must take this further.

Doobigetta · 06/02/2020 12:17

YANBU to think that the woman has no business being in the male changing room and to support your son’s right to privacy and dignity.

YABVU to try and distance yourself from nasty boring feminists banging on about trans issues. What do you think we’re raising the whole thing for? It’s not about “trans”, it’s about preserving single sex spaces where there is good reason for them. Maybe get off your woke horse and admit we’ve got a point?

HeresMe · 06/02/2020 12:18

I'm sure I read this from the other viewpoint last month?

ShinyGiratina · 06/02/2020 12:21

My 9yo does require assistance (ASD, dyspraxia) although you wouldn't think that there was anything neurodivergent about him from casual observation. When he was 8, we stopped using communal facilities, and tried the family cubicles for some time, but more recently have been using disabled facilities as there was a lack of family cubicles at peak times and often had to wait around shivering. Plus it is easier for him to develop his individual showering skills with an angled shower head and one that stays on, rather than the fixed, push button heads that turn off before he can position himself and continue washing.

We do not use the communal female facilities as it is unfair on the females present, and his dignity now he's looking on the old side for needing support (small and young looking for age, so superficially fudgable). If there was nothing other than male/ female, I'd be looking for a more appropriate venue.

When supervising with school, there is no avaliable male, so female interractions in the male changing room were kept to the minimum necessary, giving the boys warning, keeping in sight of the door, minimal time in there to ensure they aren't messing around.

Report it on to the teacher/ reception.

Bobbybobbins · 06/02/2020 12:22

Totally agree that you need to speak to the teacher, not acceptable.

This is one reason I won't be able to take my DS to our most local pool once he is over 8 as he has SEN and quite rightly won't be allowed in female changing room.

NearLifeExperience · 06/02/2020 12:24

I'm sure I read this from the other viewpoint last month?

Yes! The poster was a mum who used the male changing room to change her son, then just to sit in during the lesson! She then had the cheek to complain about a naked man in there. In the men's! How dare he? And she wouldn't have it that she was unreasonable. Was unbelievable!

BigChocFrenzy · 06/02/2020 12:27

"Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss" Angry

No he isn't
REPORT
He - and the other boys - are entitled to privacy and dignity in a single sex space for changing or showering

btw:
GC feminists campaign to retain single sex spaces is not to keep out transwomen or transmen, but to keep out anyone of the opposite sex after about age 8

BigChocFrenzy · 06/02/2020 12:28

Stand up for your son's rights

rwalker · 06/02/2020 12:29

She's completely out of order report it

Snaga · 06/02/2020 12:30

Changing room usage for children who need assistance is based on the sex of the accompanying adult.

Age 10 he should be getting ready by himself unless there are additional needs to consider, in which case the pool need to come up with a solution that doesn't have those of the opposite sex above the normal age threshold (8 seems to be normal) invading the privacy of others in changing rooms.

I'd make a complaint to the company running the swimming sessions and would vote with my feet if they didn't resolve it.

popehilarious · 06/02/2020 12:32

Can I check- how do you know this isn't a trans issue? They may identify as male for periods of time?

The posters on the Feminism boards are trying to uphold single-sex spaces (regardless of gender identity) but if you're not bothered about "trans issues" then you can't really complain about it when people are in the other-sex changing room.

Frenchw1fe · 06/02/2020 12:33

Definitely tell the staff.

I bet she goes into male fitting rooms with her dh too.
I worked a Xmas season at John Lewis and every day I would have to ask women not to go into male fitting rooms. The sense of entitlement was ridiculous. We had a lot of teen lads who were uncomfortable with women in there and it was quite a small space.
If there was no one else about I ignored them but when it was busy they were a pain. I actually asked them how they would feel if men were going into female fitting rooms.

icannotremember · 06/02/2020 12:34

One sex poses an actual risk to the other, which is not reciprocal. This is usually the argument presented for single sex changing]

It is very hard to see how an adult woman does not pose an actual risk to a male child.

mumwon · 06/02/2020 12:40

I can think of 2 reasons (both of which may need her to do a rethink) the first is maybe her son has something like epilepsy where she feels he needs to be watched (just looking at someone doesn't mean we know if they have an issue) or is she worried about child abuse? But I do think it might be worth going to the pool & asking if they can have a tactful word

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2020 12:46

Not ok. I'd talk to the people running the class.

Everyone over the age of 8 should use the appropriate changing room for their sex. So, there should be no-one over 8 in the wrong-sex room.

Boys' dignity matters too.