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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in men’s changing room

180 replies

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 11:18

Firstly this is NOT a trans issue, if it was I would have posted in Feminism
DS is 11 . He has a weekly swimming lesson at a school owned pool but the lesson is privately run. All the other children are of a similar age.
Every week one of the Mums goes into the men’s/boys changing rooms after the lesson to help her son get showered and changed. The boy is 10 and as far as I know (although obviously there’s no reason I would know if it wasn’t the case) there are no SN.
DS has mentioned that he is a bit uncomfortable with it, he is starting to show signs of puberty and he won’t use the showers as this woman is standing there - according to DS she helps her son wash his hair and holds his towel for when he gets out. There are no cubicles that DS can use and while he says the woman seems nice and isn’t really doing anything inappropriate he would rather she wants there.
What is the view on this? Initially I didn’t think much of it but since DS has said he’s not comfortable with it should I mention it to the teacher?
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age. Plus DS is usually pretty chilled about things like that, he’s happy to walk round naked upstairs at home so if he’s mentioning it it’s obviously bothering him
I’m genuinely interested in other opinions

OP posts:
TalaxuArmiuna · 06/02/2020 14:20

YANBU.

My DS goes to similar swimming lessons. They are held at a school on the weekend and the changing rooms are communal with no cubicles, one for each sex.

My DS goes into the mens alone, I go through the womens to take off my shoes and put on some flip flops so I can sit on a bench by the pool during the lesson. It's been this way since he was 8.

There is another family whose approx 10yo son comes into the female changing room with his mum and gets changed with the age 5-12 girls which I wouldn't be happy with at all if I had a DD there but it's not really my place to complain given that I am not getting changed myself.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 06/02/2020 14:22

YANBU

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 06/02/2020 14:27

Why should OPs son go anywhere else? If someone needs to it's the young boy and his mother.

It's really that simple.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 06/02/2020 14:35

Frothybothie "There are many cases of females abusing male children and female children now."

Source please?
This most unusual increase would surely have been reported widely if the stats were so significant as to be classed as "many".

I don't have exact figures to hand for child-specific abuse by abuser sex, but given adult sexual abuse runs at 98-99% male-perpetrated, it would be groundbreaking to see that child abuse perpetrator sex was now flipping the other way.

Doyoumind · 06/02/2020 14:40

The boy should be changing by himself in the boys changing room according to the rules of the swim classes we go to. It's completely unacceptable for the mother to go in.

Wereallsquare · 06/02/2020 14:50

That woman has no business being in the men's changing room. Report her.

Funguy · 06/02/2020 14:55

The boy has a hidden disability. It's very probable. Erm... why is your son taking his pants off in the communal showers? You generally do not!
I certainly do no remove my swimsuit on the womens' side!
Its up to you but I don't think kids of 11 should be walking about naked. he is hitting puberty. He needs to learn to be more reserved.

CornflakesforBambi · 06/02/2020 14:55

That’s not on at all, Your DS is right to feel uncomfortable.

Joker123 · 06/02/2020 14:56

YANBU.
Inappropriate.
If your DS is uncomfortable, he’s uncomfortable and that’s it. My Nephew is 10 and I can imagine him being very uncomfortable in a situation like this.

DejaVoodoo · 06/02/2020 14:59

By your logic all changing rooms should be communal then, Funguy? Confused

Presumably OPs son has to take his wet trunks off in the changing room, even if not in the shower.

Funguy · 06/02/2020 15:05

You can use a towel for modesty in the communal changing room, most people do. But actually there may be cubicles.
RE shower:
No idea what your other comment means at all Deja,The OP kid is taking his trolleys off in a communal shower obviously otherwise he would not feel embarrassed.He also walks about at home naked so much contradiction.

Porkeypine · 06/02/2020 15:07

Not read other replies but here’s my two bob bit...

At 10 there should be absolutely no reason that a mother needs to help her son get changed in a changing room full of other boys. She should be embarrassed because clearly she hasn’t given him the self care skills that he needs and should perhaps go on a parenting course!!

I can only conclude that there the boy has some sort of specials needs. As you say, you wouldn’t necessarily know. Could be a physical issue like dyspraxia whereby he needs help for that? In which case then that’s understandable why she helps him.

I do feel there should be a separate changing room for such a situation. Ie circumstances out of the ordinary, like a family change area then it takes away any issues. That’s something the school should perhaps look in to in that case and see if there is a pool with family changing rooms. On the one hand why should the SN child miss out, they absolutely shouldn’t, however that’s not to say your DC is being unreasonable for not wanting a strange woman in there either! Another changing room would be beneficial to everyone.

Another solution would perhaps be that the child gets out a bit later than everyone else to give the other boys the privacy they need before the mam goes in?

That’s the only reason I think it’s justified that she’s there. My little boy has dyspraxia and I wouldn’t let him go to a public toilet on his own. To avoid this situation I make sure he goes before we leave home but if he needs to go then I’ll first look for a disabled toilet and if there’s none available then he’ll come in the ladies with me.hes only 7 mind so it’s not too bad at this age.

YasssKween · 06/02/2020 15:10

He needs to learn to be more reserved.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/02/2020 15:14

Gym I went to years ago had a mother&child, and a father&child changing room for when swimming lessons were on. Made the issue non negotiable really. (Older children could also change in the men's and women's changing rooms). Ops son may be 11, but some of the other boys could be older and it gets increasing more inappropriate as they got older. She is making the boys uncomfortable. Therefore it isn't right.

DejaVoodoo · 06/02/2020 15:15

Sorry Funguy I meant unisex, not communal. Blush

If no one should get their clothes off in a changing room then they might as well all be unisex.

And I meant even if OPs son doesn't take his trunks off in the shower he still has to do it in the changing room. With a woman in it.

And quite apart from the fact that nudity/undressing amongst family is completely different to with strangers, how do you know the boy wanders around naked at home? Confused

FrancisCrawford · 06/02/2020 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouHotel · 06/02/2020 15:17

oh this makes me squeamish the poor future girlfriend/boyfriend of that child.

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 15:21

Have people been drinking before posting on this thread? Honestly some of these posts recently are unintelligible.

We actually have pp typing ‘Erm...’ and posting thought farts instead of coherent sentences.

Gah!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 06/02/2020 15:23

If no one should get their clothes off in a changing room

Then it becomes just a ...room?
People go in there, stand round for a while then come out again?

Maybe they could extend this idea to the swimming pool. Empty it out, just call it a pool. Nobody needs to get changed or get wet or get changed again.

Ta-dah, entire issue solved!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/02/2020 15:27

I'm sure she means no harm, but this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate. How completely thoughtless, too.

This ^

Absolutely ridiculous.

D you know if her son has been bullied in the past for some reason and she feels it necessary to protect him - but even so, there is no reason for her to go into the boys showers.

(BTW - if he hasn't been bullied, she's going the right way to get him ridiculed.)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/02/2020 15:36

I don't have exact figures to hand for child-specific abuse by abuser sex, but given adult sexual abuse runs at 98-99% male-perpetrated

In addition to what Blobby has written (above), please bear in mind that there are male abusers identifying as female now, as it gives them access to women-only areas. This is then recorded as a "female" committing the crime, and has been skewing statistics for a while now.

Crimes of ALL kinds need to be logged under the SEX, not the gender of the perpetrator.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/02/2020 15:39

Its up to you but I don't think kids of 11 should be walking about naked. he is hitting puberty. He needs to learn to be more reserved.

What a load of shite,

FilledSoda · 06/02/2020 15:57

Complain loudly.
Why on earth are you worried about her knowing it was you ?

IfNot · 06/02/2020 15:58

Yes the mother should ask if there is another place to help the boy if he has additional needs. No need for burning torches though..
And what's with all the "oh if it was a MAN in the GIRLS changing room..ooh!"
Yeah, if it was a man in with a load of 10 year old girls (or boys actually)I would be a LOT more concerned because of the FACT that men commit ALMOST ALL the perverted crimes. Sorry, but you can't just flip the sexes in situation and call it equivalent. Its like saying, OK, what if instead of a cat in the field of cows there was a tiger?
FML

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 16:01

funguy my son can walk around his own house naked if we don’t have guests for as long as he is comfortable with it. It’s generally upstairs as he sleeps naked so between his room/bathroom/toilet etc so I really don’t think he should be “more reserved”.
As other people (and me) have said the boy could have SN that aren’t obvious but given that all his mum does is pass him things it sounds like whether he has or hasn’t he is probably capable of getting dressed unaided. I think he actually gets into his trunks on his own, I don’t think she goes in the changing room for that as she’s usually sitting poolside when he comes out of the changing rooms
Either way if my son is uncomfortable with a female in a Male changing room I don’t see why he should modify his behaviour

OP posts: