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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woman in men’s changing room

180 replies

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2020 11:18

Firstly this is NOT a trans issue, if it was I would have posted in Feminism
DS is 11 . He has a weekly swimming lesson at a school owned pool but the lesson is privately run. All the other children are of a similar age.
Every week one of the Mums goes into the men’s/boys changing rooms after the lesson to help her son get showered and changed. The boy is 10 and as far as I know (although obviously there’s no reason I would know if it wasn’t the case) there are no SN.
DS has mentioned that he is a bit uncomfortable with it, he is starting to show signs of puberty and he won’t use the showers as this woman is standing there - according to DS she helps her son wash his hair and holds his towel for when he gets out. There are no cubicles that DS can use and while he says the woman seems nice and isn’t really doing anything inappropriate he would rather she wants there.
What is the view on this? Initially I didn’t think much of it but since DS has said he’s not comfortable with it should I mention it to the teacher?
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age. Plus DS is usually pretty chilled about things like that, he’s happy to walk round naked upstairs at home so if he’s mentioning it it’s obviously bothering him
I’m genuinely interested in other opinions

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 06/02/2020 11:22

I don't think it's OK, personally.

I wouldn't be OK with a father in the woman's changing rooms either.

Dolorabelle · 06/02/2020 11:22

I don't think your DS is BU. At 10, I"d have thought that most able-bodied/non-cognitively impaired boys could wash & dress themselves.

I remember the awkward stage of early puberty (I'm female), and the difficulty my family (parents really) had in adjusting to my wish for privacy. I know we should all be trying to be open and there shouldn't be this weird mix of shame and desire for privacy, but if it's a thing, it's a thing.

1FootInTheRave · 06/02/2020 11:23

Yanbu

raspberryk · 06/02/2020 11:23

Adults do not enter the changing room of the opposite sex, you'd be very uncomfortable at a man being in the women's and this is no different.
If for whatever reason her ds can't change alone he should accompany her in the women's. Although generally over 8's should use the changing room of their own sex.

PityParty4one · 06/02/2020 11:24

YANBU.

If the little boy needs extra support then the mum needs to use the family changing room or toilet to help him change.

Sirzy · 06/02/2020 11:25

I would mention it to the staff, if he needs help due to additional needs then they should be using the accessible changing area. Otherwise he needs to learn to do it himself or get changed and then shower at home

NameChangeNugget · 06/02/2020 11:28

She needs reporting

SallyLovesCheese · 06/02/2020 11:29

Definitely mention it. There's a reason any person who is regularly in contact with children who aren't their own, particularly when other adults aren't present, have a DBS check. Not saying anything is likely to happen, but this woman is potentially putting herself in a tricky situation if one of the other boys made an allegation. Best to avoid this situation altogether.

Definitely speak to the teacher.

Barracker · 06/02/2020 11:30

Adults shouldn't enter the spaces of the opposite sex.

One sex poses an actual risk to the other, which is not reciprocal. This is usually the argument presented for single sex changing.

But both sexes are entitled to bodily privacy and dignity. Even if there was no physical risk from one sex, this would still be incredibly important.

Jess827 · 06/02/2020 11:36

That's wholly inappropriate of her, she either needs to use the disabled facilities do he can have help if needed or let him do it alone. It's not fair on your DS and is presumably against policy... Our local has clearly marked signs which say children 7 or under are acceptable in opposite gender facilities. Otherwise, family/disabled space so everyone is comfortable.

Piffle11 · 06/02/2020 11:37

My DS's swim lessons are the same sort of set up as you've mentioned: he's 9 and although there aren't that many boys taking lessons at the same time, I wouldn't dream of going into the male changing room - he's quite capable of getting himself dry. Maybe she's wanting to save time by showering and washing her DS's hair - we do it at home, as no doubt DS would get it in his eyes and start yelling - but I do think it's inappropriate. At that sort of age children want a bit of privacy, and I doubt they would want their own mother in the changing room, let alone someone else's. I definitely think it should be raised - you could ask the swim teacher if there is a reason the child needs supporting in this way.

Danni91 · 06/02/2020 11:39

I think that's a tad creepy at 10!

Even if the child did need some form of extra help surely a teacher / TA should be in there monitoring.

I can only assume to know what people would said if it was a man around 10 year old daughters .. And that wouldn't be pretty!

I think in this instance it needs be brought up asap.

Alsohuman · 06/02/2020 11:39

It’s a pretty odd ten year old who’s happy for his mum to behave like this. I bet the poor little bugger’s mortified and you’d be doing him a favour if you got it stopped.

Danni91 · 06/02/2020 11:39

Oh it's privately run at the school so no teachers?

Hmm. Do they have a time limit to be washed and dressed and out by?

Floribundance · 06/02/2020 11:41

Not ok. If he needs help provisions should be made.

NearLifeExperience · 06/02/2020 11:41

I'm sure she means no harm, but this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate. How completely thoughtless, too.

You need to bring this up with the teacher/management.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 06/02/2020 11:44

She shouldn’t be in there.

Adults do not enter the changing room of the opposite sex

^^ this. How hard is this for people to understand?

Panicmode1 · 06/02/2020 11:45

We had lessons at a similarly set up swimming school (they used the private school's facilities after hours). I would mention it to the swim school owner - is there a newsletter that they produce? Perhaps a reminder could go in there about parents of the opposite sex not accompanying their children (I think it's usually 7 or 8) into the 'wrong' changing room.

However, the school we used didn't have a 'third' space or family changing so I'm not sure what the solution would be - there was a staff showering/changing area, so perhaps if there are SN reasons, he could be allowed to use that, but I think at age 10, he should be able to get himself sorted out - my 10 year old does, albeit at glacial pace - which can be frustrating when I'm in a rush!!

LangittleClegabbage · 06/02/2020 11:46

I agree, your son has a right to privacy from the opposite sex when getting changed/showered. Even if this woman is DBS checked (which I doubt), it is not fair that your son is being made to feel uncomfortable.

As others have said, if her son needs help, then that needs to occur in a separate changing area. I would definitely mention it to the teacher.

OnlyTheTitOfTheLangBerg · 06/02/2020 11:46

Your son and the other boys is this class are entitled to privacy and dignity, and this woman is invading that, albeit with the best of intentions I'm sure. I would raise it with the pool management team who I'd hope could work with this woman to find an appropriate equally private and dignified alternative location for her and her son if he does have additional needs which require her help.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/02/2020 11:48

Sorry, this is totally unacceptable behaviour, and she should be reported.
The changing rooms are for adults of the the gender specified only, very young kids maybe able to accompany adults to opposing changing rooms but never adults.
Part of me thinks DS is making an unnecessary fuss but I’m sure I wouldn’t think that if a man had been in the ladies changing room when DD had been that age
Sorry but this is a disgraceful attitude and you really need to change it. Not only have you dismissed his concerns you have trivialised his safety on the basis of his gender.

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 11:53

Christ that mother is going to be subject of a MiL thread on here in a few years.

She needs to get out of that changing room. It’s ridiculous

BigFatLiar · 06/02/2020 11:53

I suspect its a mum who can't get to grips with the fact her little boy is growing up. Unless he has a problem he should be capable of showering and changing on his own. She needs to let go.

Floribundance · 06/02/2020 11:53

I hope by the time he’s married she’s not still waiting by the shower with a towel.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/02/2020 11:56

@NearLifeExperience and Onlythetit
I'm sure she means no harm
albeit with the best of intentions I'm sure

I do not understand this attitude. I assume its because its a mother going into a male changing room and the comment 'it would not be the same if the genders were switched' has never been more clearly proven.
She is an adult, she is continually going into the wrong changing room where young boys are in states of undress. I would be very angry and my first assumption was that she was a danger.