Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

and ridiculing me for how I'm trying to deal with stuff, it's hard enough as it is. I just needed some kind words and support in what has been a really awful time Oh lord! Nobody is trying to ridicule you, honestly!

We are all, without exception, absolutely horrified in your behalf. Some of us are also scared for you because the behaviours you have described is so very far from normal and your reaction is so very, very far from independent, are with so little self regard we want to hug you and make it all go away for you!

Those who have been through abusive relationships are trying to tell you that your current coping strategy usually ends far from happily. They are shouting, repeating, explaining because they fear for you!

You deserve better. Maybe one day so you will be able to read this thread again and take better things from it.

Good luck!

I've just caught up on your other posts and you come across as being really lovely. I think that this is your downfall as you have been too nice to your stbxh. None of this is your fault. You have given him chance after chance to amend his behaviour and he has continually abused your niceness and failed to take you seriously. I appreciate that you want to remain on good terms for the sake of your children, which is very admirable of you. But he is the one abusing your relationship and making things difficult. You need firm boundaries (and security cameras). He needs counseling/and or a threat of a restraining order! Well done for being so brave! I can only imagine how hard it must be. For what it's worth, I think that you are conducting yourself really well. The letter from the solicitors is not disproportionate at all. It is necessary and entirely his fault!

OP...... your Ex is a criminal. He is a horrible abuser. He is not a good father.

He is a CRIMINAL.

Please, please stop being his victim. Report him and press charges. If you don't, your nightmare will continue.

So you are feeling guilty, that's an awful way to torture yourself . It's really common, but you need to reframe it. The happy life your children had that you feel bad for exploding wasn't real - their dad was abusing their mum and it WILL have had an effect on them - it can't not.

Feel sad that it had to come to this, grieve the family life you wanted them to have, but don't feel guilt. Feel proud and relieved that you had the strength to get you all out of there.

And then find your anger at him for putting you and your kids in this position. It is illegal to behave as he has and he should feel the consequences. It also sends a very powerful message to your kids about how adults should conduct themselves and what they can get away with.

You're allowed to change your mind - go back to your solicitor and talk it through with them again. You can still tell the police. It might be less scary for you if his behaviour is brought into the open, with the police knowing about it, rather than being confined to correspondence between lawyers.

If he reacts badly after being arrested, you can immediately go back to the police (and arguably, if he's trying to present himself as a perfectly reasonable person, he less likely to behave badly)

Oh OP nobody is ridiculing you. They are all just upset on your behalf. A lot of them have been through this and worse and could nearly tell you how it will go from here. So please don't take these comments the wrong way. They are just showing you that they care and how you can go about getting yourself out of this situation. for you

You need to involve women’s aid, the p9lice should have involved children’s services and your solicitor should be staying on top of this.

Women’s aid will write to him free of charge, the police will do a welfare check on you if asked to, not a bad idea in the circumstances!

Been where you are. Use every tool in the box to get free, but, don’t expect it to go smoothly and don’t expect him to suddenly stop being a dick, and don’t expect friends to stay your friends and lastly don’t put expectations on your children to be loyal, I did, they weren’t!

Not try8ng to scare you just open you up to the fact that staying is har, but leaving is just as hard. My mantra ‘different not difficult’
I send you a handhold a massive hugs and m6 wishes for the best luck ever xx

I guess a lot of us are shocked at the risk you are putting yourself and your children at because that's what this is about.

Safety.

Because when the abusive men finally crack, they always take the kids with them.

It's shocking that you aren't acting. That's the honest truth.

A great dad does not stalk the mother of their child. A great dad does not emotionally and mentally abuse the mother of their child. A great dad does not do anything to harm the mother of their child, in any shape or form.

You'd be hard pressed to find a shittier father. It's shocking how bad he is. If you can accept what an awful father he is then maybe you won't feel so guilty about reporting him. Your children need protecting from their father. They are the ones who need protecting. At the moment, you are protecting the abuser.

OP,
I've been through something similar, it didn't stop, he didn't stop.
It escalated.
With police involvement it stopped.
I completely understand how you are feeling.
Report it, because when he continues with other stupid abusive behaviour the more evidence you have the more protection the police and courts can offer you, and you will look back and wish you had reported everything.
Because he wont stop.
The level of what hes already done is scary, and it WILL get worse.
Good luck

OP, this is not the first time he has hidden a camera in your home is it? I really can't understand why you haven't been to the police. This man is engaging in criminal activity that could see him being sent to prison! How will you feel if he posts footage of you having sex online? By being so passive in this, you're not protecting your children. I can't tell you anything thatbothers haven't already said, but I will say that your children, and your boyfriend, deserves much better than this.

@boymum9 nobody here has belittled you - we're concerned for your safety and for the safety of your children. You come across so passive when you should be going in, all guns blazing to protect your children. This piece of shit has invaded what should be your private space, he's violated your life and your privacy.

People like this only understand harsh words, not some pansy letter from a solicitor. Please PLEASE stop defending your ex, stop downplaying his actions and take some action to protect your kids. He's so far from a 'good dad' that he may as well be in a different universe.

He's done this to YOU - what could he do to defenceless children?

@boymum9, have you had the opportunity to have some cunselling around your relationhsip with your ex and his behaviour?

I appreciate you are feeling guilty. And somehow responsible for taking your dcs away from their dad.

However, your ex is NOT a good father. A good dad doesnt put a camera in his exwife bedroom to chek if she is having sex (and who knows what he is doing with said film too).
Agood father doesnt antigonise the mither of his dcs in the way he did. He is striving to keep the relationship good for the ske of his dcs.
And a good father doesnt scare his exwife the way he is doing with you.

This man is an abuser. And as most abusers he is dangerous. Dangerous to you and to your dcs (eg will use them to get at you, will feed them lies to go against you etc...).
You need to get support for yourself to be able to see that situation clearly (above 'I need to do that to keep him sweet because otherwise all hell will break loose' which was really the point of your OP). You need to do that for you. And more importantly for your dcs, to be able to be there for them and support them the way possible FOR THEM

Mainly our children, they are very close with him and he is a great dad to them, I don't want them to miss out if he was arrested.

No he is not a great dad. His behaviour is abusive and this has an affect on you. Deliberately so.

You are making excuses here and almost defending him.

This is a symptom of having been under his coercive control.

Listen to yourself. You'd have told anyone else to go to the police. He is continuing to harm you and that comes at the expense of the children's well being.

Remember YOUR wellbeing is crucial to the children's wellbeing. Forgetting this, put them at risk.

Women's Aid. Police.
Look up coercive control.

I do hope you feel brave enough to go to the police about it soon.
It's a horrible thing that he's done and it really should be dealt with by the law.
I'm sending a big hug and some vibes your way as I reckon you need them xx

It's not ridicule, Love. By and large it's fear or you that makes us say things that appear cruel. And I know it's hard to hear people say "What on earth are you doing??", but remember that it's borne out of concern and experience.

You kicked him out. That was very, very brave of you. But remember that he still has you wrapped up in the fear and guilt he created to control you. And so the next step is to cast off that fear. Please, please seek out counseling, especially with a counselor experience in coercive control and domestic abuse.

You can break these chains. You really can.

If you don't stop him now, it's going to be a green light to him to escalate and then you will have no choice but to go to the police, with even more serious consequences for him. So from your children's point of view it's better to get the police involved now.

"fear FOR you" not or you! (fat fingers)

I would have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever. He is sick and the enemy - so no contact and do not (NEVER) be alone with him under any circumstances.
AS there is a CAMERA - there would also be footage.
You need that footage and should request a copy.
From the police.
I would start from there.
If you ahve children, I would report that to Child Welfare.
A couple of questions however: How do you know he did this? How does he have access to your home (as his status is stbxh).
Please have a good think about how to cut him off completely and maintain/guard your privacy.
Best wishes x

To answer some questions:
I had suspicions about a camera or listening device for quite some time because of things he'd mentioned in passing but searched and searched and couldn't find anything, it was hidden somewhere I wouldn't have thought to look, screwed in.

I found something relating to the camera so got him over to asked him, he initially pleaded ignorance to what it was but eventually showed me where it was. I have the camera and it's with someone who's looking after it so he can't get it as he initially tried to take it and destroy it.

Someone said would it not have been too soon to have someone else over, said person never came to my house until about 5 months after separation from
Ex h, hasn't met children.

Everyone's messages are giving me some strength in this I appear to have been lacking, through fear, thank you

You have to accept the fear and go to the police, OP. The solicitor's letter will be a waste of your money, money that could be better spent on your children.

I was with an abusive partner for years op. And I tried to downplay it all, to myself and to others. Except everyone else could clearly see what I refused to. It makes me so angry looking back on it. It's not just you. I would be worried though, because if he's so bold as to put a camera in your room and watch you, and your new partner potentially, then what else would he do. You might have the camera, but he has the footage. That could go anywhere. Please let the police go and deal with him, don't let this get any worse for you. A solicitors letter would only warn him to cover his tracks. He wouldn't have time with a knock on the door from the police.

www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control#monitoring-activity

This is a quick list of 12 signs of coercive control.

It includes surveillance of you.

This is designed to make you compliant and to obey your abuser and to prevent you from challenging them or bringing criminal charges where appropriate.

Coercive control in itself is also a criminal offence. It's not just voyeurism that's a crime against you.

If he is doing this to you, imagine if he does this to your children.

Please do read up more on coercive control and how it can make you question yourself, make you feel like you are going mad or otherwise feel powerless and unable to challenge inappropriate and abusive behaviour.

You can break free and the danger is if you don't that he will escalate. From what you've said there are huge red flags that he will.

Look after yourself, take additional advice and seriously do consider the police.