Handhold for s*** about to hit the fan

[boymum9]

I have quite a few previous threads regarding my split for stbxh and his behaviour (i know you can look back through people's threads but not quite sure how, but included extremely controlling and stalking behaviour on his part)

Things seemed to have settled down for quite a few months when I discovered just after Christmas a hidden camera in my bedroom that he put in there almost a year ago now. Confronted him about it obviously and found out more details about what he was doing. I have taken the advice of my lawyer on the best courses of actions to take given my situation and that is in progress, but today or tomorrow ex h will be receiving a warning letter from the lawyers which is filling me with dread at what his reaction will be. As I'm writing this I realise it's stupid for me to feel that way given all he's done this last year, but through everything we have remained (somehow on my part) amicable for the sake of our two children.

I would just really appreciate a hand hold and any advice on what to say to him because I know his reaction will be full of emotional blackmail and I will come out of this feeling like I'm in the wrong!

So glad you have updated and haven't taken our words as having a go at you. We really are genuinely worried for you.

Can you talk to anyone in real-life and get them to come with you to talk to the police? This really does need to be on record. He sounds dangerous.

If talking here is helping you to feel stronger, please keep talking for as long as you need to!

The fear you have is because he still has a hold over you.
I was scared of my ex, even when we had split because of the coercive control, I was effectively brainwashed.
Finally getting the strength to get it stopped was the best thing I ever did, for me and my children.
Ignoring it wasn't enough, it angered him, he came up with new threats (this is after we split btw)
I reported him to the police, and I still kick myself for not telling them everything at the time as I was still scared.
Report him, protect you and your children.

Repeating what PPs have said: we are strident because we are scared for you.

If he's filmed you, he's probably put it online. You need to get the police and statutory agencies involved to get it removed. Do you want your kids to see footage of "mummy having sex" on the internet?

I am angry at his behaviour. You should be too: he has no right to act like this. Filming an ex-partner without consent in a place where they reasonably expect privacy is a form of stalking and it's a criminal offence. www.gov.uk/report-stalker

OP, I'm sorry if you've been hurt by comments here. I think everyone so far has been trying to emphasise how wrong your ExH's actions have been. Believe me, many women have experience of exactly how much of a mindfuck this type of thing is. It can take a long time to undo the coercion and control and fear. You'll get there, I'm sure of it.

boymum9
really sorry that you feel attacked on your thread but honestly my reading of all the posts is that people just want to help you, lots of us will have been in relationships that we see in hindsight were abusive and we want to help you not make the mistakes we made:)

If that was me I would be asking the police or a specialist to come & check my home & devices for any more cameras & ways he could be spying on me, I would also be pressing charges.

oops, cross posted with you ScrimshawTheSecond

OP no one is trying to be nasty to you, they are just worried about you. He isn't a great dad, he is stalking and abusing their mother and he doesn't see anything wrong with this because he sees you as his, this can turn very dangerous, for you and your kids.
I get that you feel guilty for breaking up the family, but what he is doing is wrong, criminal and not your fault.

OP you sound terrified of this man. However your passivity is astounding and really quite concerning. It sounds as if your children are young right now but one day they'll be older and out in the big nasty world surrounded by people as bad as your ex.
One day they may need you to be a tiger and to back them up and stand up for them. Will you be able to do it?
Life can be really, really scary and quite shit at times but you have a responsibility not to retreat at the first signs of trouble. If you practise being assertive now you'll be showing your children in the future how to be in their relationships too

In the UK you cannot 'press charges' you can make a statement to the police who will then open an investigation if warranted. It's the CPS who then decide whether or not to prosecute based on the police findings and the evidence presented.
They decide who is charged and what the charge will actually be.

Sorry I just see this term banded around a lot and it could be misleading to some.

You will feel afraid no matter what. You will feel guilty no matter what.

You feel guilty and afraid about the solicitor's letter, yes?

What's so different about going to the police? Get it all over with now.

Take your solicitor's advice and call the police. You are going to feel shit anyway because that's what he trained you to feel. You might as well go the whole hog then you never have to worry about whether to go to the police, never have to think "I wish I hadn't been too afraid to go to the police".

If he is truly a great dad then any falling out with you over the divorce won't make an iota of difference to the children.

I don’t mean to be funny op. but what the actual fuck do you expect people to say.

Get yourself some therapy ASAP for your children’s sake if nothing else.

Thank you for updating OP, & please believe in the strength of feeling that has been generated by your thread.
Nobody is looking to scold or berate you or add any more to your appalling stress. Some of us have been where you are, & understand the fear, the mindfuck, the minimising & excusing of the Ex ... and we are scared for you.

With that in mind, may I urge you to cancel your solicitor letter? There is no point in tipping him the wink that you may be taking formal action. When you do - & you really must, this man should NEVER step foot in the marital home again - it needs to be with the full knowledge & support of your local cop shop.

I understand the feelings you may be having of wanting things to appear "normal" for the kids, with their dad able to pop in & out of your home with them. But he seriously must be prevented from doing so again. Never mind how HE feels about that. HE forfeited any notion of being tolerated in your & the kids' home when he cold-bloodedly planned for & placed a surveillance device in it. The kids dont need to know about this, but what they DO need is a mum who knows how to establish & protect her own boundaries.

Please take PP's advice upthread to heart:
You might have the camera, but he has the footage. That could go anywhere. Please let the police go and deal with him, don't let this get any worse for you. A solicitors letter would only warn him to cover his tracks. He wouldn't have time with a knock on the door from the police.

You can do this OP.
I spent 5 months in fear of my life, not sleeping & shaking so hard any chair I sat in rattled. If you had met me then, you would not recognise me now.
I may not have survived without my ace, spectacularly knowledgeable & effective lawyer. I have not written that previous sentence to scare you, but to BEG you to listen to your lawyer. She sounds like she understands the implications & potential ramifications of your situation.
Please ask her to cancel the camera letter, & instead liaise, via her if that helps you, with the police.

Stay strong, stay safe, & be proud of how far you have come already in splitting from this coercive controller.
And now take the formal & necessary steps to remove his influence over you, just as you removed him from the marital home. He needs to know, not only is the law on your side, but that you will not be bullied or manipulated in not using it to stop him in his tracks. My ex, too, felt the law did not apply to him. He stopped his death threats once he was made to realise it did. Yours needs to realise that he has threatened you by his illegal invasion of your privacy - and he needs to know that you know that too, & will use the law to protect yourself from today onward.

We're here for you when you are ready to update OP. Try to give yourself a relaxing evening & as much of a break from this overwhelming thread as you are able, tonight. Tomorrow is a new day, & with support, you will cope. Tomorrow, you can call your lawyer & the police & take proper formal steps. Tonight ... take it as easy as you are able.

The advice with coercive control is not to alert the abuser to the fact you have reported to police for coercive control.

Given that covert cameras are often part of the dynamic of coercive control, you'd be wise to think about this so that this so police can investigate properly without him hiding evidence.

their father is a sex offender, he is not a good father.

@messolini9 thank you for your message, it was helpful to read and very understanding. I can't stop the letter, I just found it he received it today, he didn't have much reaction to it other than saying his actions were not domestic abuse.

Thank you again for everyone's replies

I don't know @aroundtheworldyet I guess I didn't expect people to say any different, it's just the manner in which some people say things and how it comes across. I met him when I was 16, and have known him all my adult life, now in my 30's, I've known no different and have become accustomed to certain actions and in all honestly have struggled a lot to see what is appropriate behaviour and what is not and that's only something I'm slowly learning now over the last year or so. Emotionally I'm struggling so if difficult to hear some of the ways people get their points across, it's just upsetting

It’s tough op. But it’s very very shocking to read. You must understand that.
I mean I was when I read it.

And I’ve been in some fucked up relationship situations.

Therapy will really help you. You need someone to help you navigate how you feel and why you’re making these choices. Without judgment

I’m sorry you feel upset. But you need to be upset about his behaviour and the serious risk to you and your children. Getting annoyed about the tone of some posts here is just another way of avoiding the real issue.

No one here is blaming you. We all understand that you have been brain washed by him for more than a decade. I think you are beginning to understand that too.

So you can’t trust your instincts - you have been trained for more than a decade to always put him first and yourself( and now the children) last. Posters here are being forceful because they want you to challenge that way of thinking . Because it’s putting you in danger.

People here care about you and your children. They want you to be safe.

We’re being straight with you op because the likelihood is that he will hurt your children. We would all rather be straight with you and you be upset about that rather than continuing the way you are and having to be upset because your children have been hurt by him.

Can you imagine the reaction of SS if something happens to your children and they discover that you did absolutely nothing to prevent it?

These situations always end up with children being abused to get back at the parent that can’t be controlled anymore and both parents not being allowed access to them.

Don’t let that be you. Contact the police and SS yourself and ask for support through this.

Oh boymum, how sweet if you to say so, really I am only paying it back / paying it forward, after all the legal & friendship support I had over a decade ago ... as soon as you can feel ready, I hope you too will access counselling & specialist therapy, as I did, in order to understand the nature of coercive control, & how abuse rewires our minds to accept is as our "normal" - especially given your update of how young you were when you met Ex, & how large a proportion of your life he has been influential in.

OK, the letter is done now, but back to your lawyer tomorrow anyway, & the police, to report Ex's criminal act & have it logged. And preferably acted on.

As to Ex himself:
he didn't have much reaction to it other than saying his actions were not domestic abuse.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Please see my post upthread re: my own ex being above the law.
Yours KNOWS he has behaved outside of the law. He KNOWS that covert domestic surveillance is illegal. He simply wishes you to believe that when HE does it, there should be no legal comeback to HIM. That you should dismiss it & not report. Because that is how he has trained you for so many years.
Tomorrow, you need to demonstrate to him that his mind control & special pleading no longer work to shut you down. He needs a visit from the police & a search for any illegal footage he has of you. DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH HIM. Just tell the police, tell your lawyer, & let the professionals deal with it. The action of planting a camera in your bedroom IS domestic abuse. It is also illegal, & prosecutable. Your Ex needs a clear signal from you, via the police, that his bullshit is no longer going to silence you.

Abuse thrives in secrecy OP.
Dont brush this under the carpet, because if you do, I promise you his abusive, coercive behaviour will escalate again.

Big virtual HUG from Messo Mansions, if you want one. You are doing great, hang on in there xx

I just found it he received it today, he didn't have much reaction to it other than saying his actions were not domestic abuse.

Putting a camera in your bedroom to spy on you is domestic abuse.

Do not be persuaded its not by him and do not question yourself over it.

Jesus OP
what of he has posted the stuff online?! There is a horrible market for voyeur stuff

What worries me about your update is how you know what his reaction was? Did he tell you, were you with him, did he phone you?
Don't you see that you shouldn't know what his reaction was, as none of these things should have happened.

As a matter of interest Boymum, who did Ex relay his reaction to the camera letter through? Was it one of the kids, or directly to you?

Another thing you need to do (I know, the list seems insurmountable at this wobbly pre-final-divorce phase) is to stop communicating with him.
There is no need to have any verbal comms with him other than hello & goodbye, & maybe "DCs lunchbox is in his bag & they'll see you at 6pm friday" factual comment at kid handover times.
Everything else can be by text.
And ANYTHING non-child related should be met with "talk to my lawyer about that, we only need to talk about the kids, all else by text or through lawyer" and MEAN IT.

It will be difficult the first time, & will get surprisingly easier with practice. When it is hard ... dear OP, it's high time to find your anger. That DISGUSTING man snuck a camera into your bedroom, & the fucker is now trying to brainwash you into accepting it's not domestic abuse? Holy fucking CRAP you are allowed to be very very angry about that!
But express nothing of it to him
From now on, keep your cards close to your chest, & vent here when you need to.

Ah, cross-post @Bluetrews25.
Yes that worries me too.
I hope my post just under yours explains why adequately.