To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

50/50 has worked excellently for us, granted it may change if I ever have to move as he wouldn't move as well but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it. We have good communication and get on really well so it helps

Why should your ex be deprived of his children so that you can get more money from him? Why aren't you capable of supporting yourself?
This is exactly what I said earlier in the thread, its rarely about the needs of the children and more often about money

Oh dear....what has it got to do with the ex? Surely it is about the children and their needs? By your standards, why should, for example, any innocent party in a marriage breakdown have to be deprived of time with their children?

Supporting oneself plus children can be complex. Decisions made as a couple can have a massive impact on ability to support oneself when single. Single people can live in house shares and need only one room. It’s not quite so simple when children are involved. Pay varies widely according to sector and availability of childcare can massively impact some jobs (shift work, for example). Week on/week off style 50/50 can leave one parent paying childcare for both weeks to keep a space open. I have paid 100% childcare for years, despite my ex having weekly contact because I simply dare not leave myself with no support for those days when my ex decides he’s biggering off on holiday at 3 minutes notice. Utterly unfair. At one point that cost me £200 a month. Discrepancy in income is also problematic - it is absolutely not OK to say to someone in an established career that they should suddenly just earn more. Nor is it OK to have had a partner take care of children and home for years and expect them to match your earnings overnight. It is often forgotten that a good joint income can consist of two wages of very different amounts - a couple on £100k may consist of someone on £70k and the other on £30k which means very different lifestyles if the lower earner is the only one paying childcare and paying a mortgage on a property big enough to have 2 children in half the time.

And of course, there is no legal provision for making one half of a parenting couple pay their fair share. My personal experience of shared care was me paying for school lunches, trips, uniform, childcare, shoes, haircuts etc etc In reality, my ex paid for a meal/breakfast when he had them and nothing else. No legal recourse whatsoever.

@WeHaveSnowdrops so - actually zero experience of living this then.

Nowhere have I said that 50/50 works for every child.

I acknowledge that money helps. Although, in your example of mum not being able to afford technology to support homework, sure 50/50 would be better than 80/20 with mum, on that particular point?

Nowhere will you find me saying that 50/50 is right for every child - or that every child who it could be right for emotionally, has parents who can achieve it financially. But it can work, and it does work.

If you actually do have 40 years experience in teaching, it’s a shame that has never led to you seeing beyond a limited range of what is a ‘Base’.

@ViaSacra - care to explain why, with actual experience or research?

@WeHaveSnowdrops so - actually zero experience of living this then.

Only through others. Married once, had children, still with their father.

I can only base my views on what children from broken families tell me. I don't think they'd lie. Those whose time was split wanted to stay in one home in the week not shift around.

Yes, the ideal would be one home, two happy parents.
As that’s not possible for some of us, 2 homes, 2 effective co parents is the best we can do.
We’ve chosen to mitigate the inconvenience of two homes by having them both on one street. Easy to get stuff that has been forgotten, one route to school, one set of friends. It’s not a solution that will work for everyone, but we are doing our best, all with DD’s interests at heart, not ours.

I have a friend who has changed the norm with an unusual set up.

They separated 5 years ago. Kids were young. They rent a two bedroom flat . As well as keeping family home. (This would happen anyway if 'conventional EOW arrangement)
They share the rent. The children NEVER move, (because in their eyes this is not their fault and should not have their lives disrupted. )
They do 50/50 but it's the parents who move. Mum goes to the flat , into HER room when Dad is with the kids in Marital home. (Mum sees her new Bf there a way from kids)... and vice verse for Dad. (With his new GF)...

Kids are growing up , and have met both new partners but do not stay together.

Kids seem REALLY happy with the situation.

Time will come when one relationship may move forward but actually everyone seems happy at the moment.

Could this be the solution?

It's interesting to read all the perspectives of those who are doing this as I'm currently stressing over what is best for my dc. We split 50 50 and their dad has been very involved from the start, both working part time etc. I don't find 50 50 is best for me as I miss the kids terribly, but I don't feel I have any more claim to the kids than their dad does. So we do 3 nights with me and 4 with him as that fits best. They have two homes (referred to as home1 and home2) and all their stuff is duplicated in both. The special toys get moved by us between homes. They are now 8 and 6 and it's been nearly a year since the split.

But. They are definitely struggling with the moving around, and more than that, with missing one or the other of us. So what is the ideal scenario? Obviously it's to stay with the person you have kids with. But that's not going to happen and I feel guilty enough about that (amicable split no others involved) without a bunch of people telling me I'm damaging my children by following their wishes to see both of us. I've had acquaintances say they could never share their kids (mums) but I'm not doing it for kicks - it's for the best interests of my kids!

Ideal solutions on a postcard please as I've spent this evening consoling my youngest as she doesn't realise how much she misses me until she sees me

DH is a wonderful father but I know the kids wouldn't cope with moving from house to house 50% of the time in each. I think if we ever split we'd hopefully live very close to each other so we could both see the kids all the time and be a part of their day to day lives.

Could this be the solution?

‘Nesting’ is lovely if it works for your family.

For us, it couldn’t have, my DD has a much older half brother and I’m remarried to a man with a daughter so we needed a base suitable for all three kids in whichever combination they are with us (eldest is technically an adult now, but..)!

WeHeSnowdrops so exactly how many children of divorced parents came to see you? And how many of those had 50:50 as opposed to EOW contact arrangements? And how many of those preferred living with a computer than their parent?
P.S. my DC don’t have any computers, I keep all my money in cash so I can bathe in it and occasionally burn it for fun.

We do 50/50 ex's shifts mean dd does 3 days with me and 3 days with her dad. It works for us and he has worked the same pattern for 10+ years so even when we were together she only saw him 3 days out of 6. This means that although she changes house the pattern of seeing her dad has stayed the same.

I agree 50/50 is the ideal however depending on working hours etc it isn't always possible. And you will always get the one parent who thinks they are a better parent and deserve 90% of time with the child.

It’s impossible to say what’s best for any particular child, especially as you’re all starting with different assumptions.

Let’s assume there are two loving, responsible parents who fully share parenting from the outset, both work and contribute equally financially.

Who’s to say what would devastate a child more - having two homes versus only seeing one of those parents 5-6 days a month, the relationship potentially becoming distant, missing out on that parental relationship not only as a child but for a lifetime etc.

No study can equalise all the factors enough to compare properly - how do you compare individual children’s relationship with each parent at the outset? How do the studies distinguish between what distresses one child versus another?
How do studies assess changes over time - what makes a child feel loved and secure aged 5 may not be the same 10 years later.

Denying dd the opportunity for an equal relationship with both parents is something I couldn’t do. EOW with one parent would be awful for her, whichever parent it was.

The cases I've known where 50:50 has worked have been where both parents have really gone out of their way to put the wellbeing of the dc before all other considerations: arranged to live in the same neighbourhood (sometimes at considerable cost in terms of convenience and new relationships), resolutely stayed on good terms and cooperated, stuck to the same rules however much teeth-gritting that involved.

I do 50:50 with ex and, whilst I would like a greater share, I'm sure he would too. Is it perfect, no but we make it work as best we can.

The key for us is working together. We share school drop offs and pick ups regardless of who's time it is, similarly if the kids are ill. We swap days if the other has a work thing or event. The kids can take stuff to and from houses, we live close to each other and they have similar big toys (bikes etc) at both houses.

We attend school things together and try to agree on routines of bedtime and discipline as well as both facilitating after school activities so other than the house they're in the routine is the same wherever the kids are.

I'm not naive enough to think the kids aren't impacted on any way, but I also know the impact of parents that should have split but didn't. You can only do what you think is best at the time.

We are pretty much 50:50, slightly more on my side. We have to communicate well, especially about school stuff and uniform etc but XH is a good Dad and loves being with our DD6.
As long as we don't mess the routine around too much (though we are each flexible if possible/needed, DD6 is ok with the arrangement. If she wasn't, we would talk about it and see how it could work better for her.

Re after school clubs, friends etc - we both live local to each other and to DD school, and we have set days/nights each week and then alternate weekends so we all know exactly who she is and when, and she knows too.
She is clever though and has started to play is off against each other, only with little things so far but we just remind her that we talk!!
It can work, but both parents have to put the DC absolutely first.

Also, DD has toys and clothes at each of our houses, and will take things between them too - sometimes she wants something that is at the other parents house, so if possible, we sort out picking it up or dropping it off. Again, we live close to each other which enables this.

Also (sorry for multiple posts, and answering as I RTFT!!), XH co-parented with me shun W DD6 was born - he changed his work hours and I went back full time m-f so we had pretty equal responsibility and time with her.
Since she started school, he has done as many pick up & drop offs as me, and has become friendly with other parents and arranges play dates with her school friends prob more than I do.
There is def no 1 size fits all, this works for us & DD - she has her own bedroom at both houses and they are both very much her own home with her own toys & stuff.
Growing up, my DF lived a flight away so I saw him once a month but DM had to drive a 3 hour round trip on a Fri night/Sat early am and then again on the Sunday afternoon to facilitate this. DD has a much better relationship with her Dad than I ever had.

Very common in Australia where there is no parental issues.
I know several kids like this and it seems very unsettling.

Eg: Can you come to a party.
I need to check where I will be and if my >parent< will agree as they want me to be there all the time their week.

Parents have very differing styles- food/bedtime/homework/ involvement in family life.

One parent being organised and other leaving everything to them...then kid does not have required school uniform for the week.

Miss sports/clubs because one parent lives in place A and other lives in place C.

The 3 I know all hate it (different families) and would rather see other parent occasionally. seems good as a philosophy but awful in practice.

I think 50/50 and no one pays maintenance should be the starting point for any separation with children. There would be in many cases reasons for the split to slide one way or the other, and the same with maintenance. But if we used this as a staring point, maybe we would see so many weekend dads feeling victimized for having to pay maintenance, and stressed out mums trying to balance it all

@Booboostwo Not sure why you think having a go at me justifies your position. Having doubts? Sounds like it. You protesteth far too much.

WeHeSnowdrops so exactly how many children of divorced parents came to see you?

More than you have talked to. I didn't keep a list.

And how many of those had 50:50 as opposed to EOW contact arrangements?

Every child who was 50/50 that spoke to me was unhappy with it. Although their parents thought they were happy. They didn't want to upset their parents by telling them. Too much responsibility to put onto a child.

And how many of those preferred living with a computer than their parent?

Some of them wished they didn't get detentions for not completing homework. How very annoying of them.

my DC don’t have any computers, I keep all my money in cash so I can bathe in it and occasionally burn it for fun.

Your lack of empathy oozes from every post, that wouldn't surprise me.

Dame,

Your posts make total sense to me.

I am close to 50/50 with my two (prob I have them 45% ish).

They get different things in both households, a pet in one, freedom to play sport in the other. I am quite organised and good at homework help, my ex is probably more chilled and relaxed. They have their own room in both houses and ‘special’ things that they only do with me or my ex. They are somewhat spoiled materially, though we both try to give them good grounded values.

When I speak to them about it, they can see pros and cons about divorced parents.

Of course, in an ideal world, they would have two loving parents under the same roof but few situations are ideal and they have a lot of advantages as well. And, when they become teenagers and young adults they will have two homes that they can use depending on convenience.

I really cannot see how prioritising staying in one location over time with a loving parent is a better solution for a child.

Wehave,

I am curious as to under what circumstances you are discussing how children feel about their own parents and parenting arrangements? Frankly, it strikes me as very intrusive.

Would you like to have to live out of two homes?

Theres increasing research thats says 50/50 is not in a child's best interests. Children need routine, stability etc. 50/50 is generally for parents and not children.