To think 50/50 is reasonable

[starlight86]

So I’m talking between friends and the subject came up of custody agreements.

Now I automatically assumed that when both parents are loving parents that 50/50 custody would be appropriate.
I know that me and my husband are equally good parents and I would have no right to seek more custody and would have to agree to 50/50 which would upset me because I would miss the kids terribly but it would only be fair.

But my friends think that’s nuts and it would never work as the kids are getting moved from pillar to post every few days which I guess I can see their point but I know for a fact my husband would fight the custody ( we are in a great relationship so hoping this never happens lol)

So my question is, if you are both great parents but split up as a couple then what’s the normal type of agreement, would you fight 50/50 or has others done a 50/50 type split that’s worked?

I have for many years with my BF when my children are with their dad and my own home when they are with me 🤷🏻‍♀️

WeHaveSnowdrops I love the Shakespearean twist, it really adds a je ne sais quoi to your posts. Have you considered the possibility that all the pupils in your school knew that if you go to Ms Snowdrops and tell her your horrible divorced parents are making your life miserable by not providing two computers you can get out of doing your homework?

Willyou,

Would you make the same point to the super rich with several homes that they alternate between?

And, in my case, I would quite enjoy living between two well equipped homes, each offering me different amenities and entertainment.

Willyoujustbequiet link?
I wouldn't mind living in two households. Some families have summer homes or winter homes or family homes in the countryside and apartments in large cities, or, if they are really loaded, spend 6 months in one country and 6 months in another. I don't think I would mind any of those options!

Isn't the conclusion really simple?

50/50 will suit some children and won't suit others
50/50 will suit some lifestyles and won't suit others.

The problem when people are involved it isn't enough to say "X is best for children" because there are too many parameters to consider.

My dc spend 2 nights a week with their dad plus some weekends. We’re totally amicable and they see both of us every day.
I guess it works out around 60/40 with me having the 60. Less time with their dad would be detrimental to them imo. Their relationship with him is just as important as their relationship with me.
We spend Christmases and birthdays all together. Obviously that would change if one of us met someone else.
Our arrangement suits us and the dc. The two days they are not with me I get housework and work done and see friends. If I want to go away for the weekend I can. Sometimes one of us takes one child alone for some special attention (there are four dc). They have two homes and things in each. They do tend to take a couple of things (kindle, a teddy) to and from each house. They are honestly happy. And if they miss their time with either of us they really do miss it.

Not that it's a documentary - but might I recommend the Swedish comedy series Bonusfamiljen? On Netflix. About blended families.

Snowdrops, our family is not ‘broken’.

Only have one dc in secondary but he has a laptop which goes to school with him so ends up in whichever house he is in.

JacquesHammer it is and it isn't. If the parents have an amicable relationship then they can decide on a case by case basis what is best for their children. But where parents disagree on arrangements, courts have to get involved. Barring special circumstances, e.g. abuse or neglect (which all the studies exclude anyway), courts have to decide what is in the best interests of the children, so they need generalized information on the benefits and harms of having access to both parents, on amount and type of access, etc. So studies try to come up with statistically meaningful answer on what is best for most of the children for most of the time. To make things more complicated there are also national guidelines. For example, the principle "One main home with one parent and occasional access to another parent" informs most of the UKs court imposed custody arrangements, whereas 50:50 is the starting point that has to be defeated by other considerations in the Swedish or French legal systems.

Booboostwo

Indeed - and I said earlier 50/50 should always be a start point for discussion but I don't think generalisations always work out for the children - and I guess it can't be avoided but that's sad for them.

TBH I think that no arrangement is really best, as controversial as that is. And I also think that parents often fight for what is in their own interests as much as their children’s.

50/50 certainly has its drawbacks but then so many parents say that they would be heartbroken to only see their children every other weekend while expecting the other parent to accept that which they wouldn’t.

When I got divorced my actual ideal was for the DC to see both of us whenever he wanted/needed. I’m not a believer in telling children when they can see either of their parents and referring to mine and his time. But we set the arrangement as 50/50 in the interests of e.g. sleeping etc and full weekends.

However, in time eXH met someone else who had her own dc who my DC didn’t get on with and they also have had children of their own, and DC haven’t stayed there at all in the past four years. They do see their father occasionally though but he has very much prioritised his new family over them.

But I very much see that as his decision which has in no way been led or dictated by me.

I do think that children should be able to spend equal time with both parents where possible, and I fail to see how seeing one parent only every other weekend can be anything but harmful to their relationship with that parent.

@larrygrylls

I am curious as to under what circumstances you are discussing how children feel about their own parents and parenting arrangements? Frankly, it strikes me as very intrusive.

I'm surprised that you don't realise that DCs initiate conversations with teachers when they are worried about something. Frankly, I don't much care if you think it's intrusive, sometimes they disclose abuse.

Would you make the same point to the super rich with several homes that they alternate between?

We had a second home for years -we used it during school holidays, I imagine that's what the super rich do as well. Not one week here, one week there.

@Booboostwo

Have you considered the possibility that all the pupils in your school knew that if you go to Ms Snowdrops and tell her your horrible divorced parents are making your life miserable by not providing two computers you can get out of doing your homework?

No. Because it wouldn't be true. But carry on grasping at straws, it's amusing to see you thrashing around.

WeHaveSnowdrops I think you should sell your second home to finance the starting capital for your "A computer for every second home" charity.

I think 50:50 is hideous and generally unsettling although the 50:50 with the parents moving rather than the kids sounds reasonable. I just can’t see how it works in the kids interest. Speaking as the child of divorced parents

I think you should sell your second home to finance the starting capital for your "A computer for every second home" charity.

Still foundering? You really are a sad case. Get a grip, dear.

Wehave,

Sorry, not buying these children initiating these conversations. What age are they? Normally children are pretty private about their hone lives with teachers. They certainly (with non leading questions) are unlikely to give their views on 50/50 parenting.

For a teacher (if that is what you are) you are very aggressive and certainly do not appear to be able to listen to alternative viewpoints.

And the rich often go to the ‘country’ at weekends to their country house....every (or most) weekends.

WEHaveSnowDrops ...and 'dear' makes it BINGO! I have to admit the Shakespearean reroute threw me, but it was only a small diversion, one post later and you have BINGOed the expressions of the thick of thinking.

I think that's an excellent idea, @GreenTulips. The parents can be the ones to cope with the stress of moving back and forth between homes. I'm not sure how many parents would be that unselfish, though.

I had an ex who's parents had 50/50 custody. He would be one house one week and the other the next. It really worked for him and his brother and because it was so regular they never got confused about where they would be on a given week.

They had two bedrooms each, two TV's, two homes, they loved it.

Everyone's different I suppose

and 'dear' makes it BINGO! I have to admit the Shakespearean reroute threw me, but it was only a small diversion, one post later and you have BINGOed the expressions of the thick of thinking.

Irony. But you're too lacking in imagination to realise it, I apologise for thinking you would understand. I didn't think you were that thick. But you are.

Okay, for those who say that 50 50 is a terrible idea, only in the interests of the parents, and unsettling for the kids:

WHAT IS THE IDEAL SCENARIO??!!

I think the kids would need to be quite organised and houses would need to be pretty close - can't imagine how teens would cope with it.

misty9 for me an ideal scenario should be dependent on the family. Its not that I dont think that 50/50 can or should be used its just that I think an arbitrary starting point for anything in life can be counter productive.

Each situation should have the ideal split that ensures fairness/parents to work and the children to feel secure. But it should never be a one size fits all. One would hope that separating parents can put differences aside and the children at the heart of the split to come up with a workable arrangement that ticks as many of the boxes as it possibly can.

Rather than insisting on everything being tit for tat. Fairness doesnt have to mean equal and should allow for some give and take and flexibility in terms of parties etc.

Sadly too many take their fighting into this and fail to do the above

there was a case in Germany, I think where the parents took it in turns to live in the family home, week and week about, and the children stayed there permanently. IIRC the parents rented a 2 bedroom flat and stayed there (each with their own room) on their "off" week.