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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
nameymcnamechangeagain · 04/02/2020 18:30

Not read full thread but based on first few reply’s - OP, id do the same as you!! You aren’t a monster don’t worry x

Mallysmomma · 04/02/2020 18:30

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with it and do it myself very frequently. As king as I can see the car and literally am only 2 minutes it would actually take me longer to get bubs in and out of the car. If a child is buckled into a car seat with child locks on the doors how exactly are they opening doors and getting out. Some of you need commenting are nuts. If you have to speak to a teacher or have to go inside the building/ out of the line of sight of the car then absolutely not but otherwise it’s just common sense to me. Don’t feel bad OP and if you are visited by ss I’m sure they will soon realise it’s a complete waste of time.

JKScot4 · 04/02/2020 18:32

If it’s literally 2 mins, a 7 year old can walk this with you standing watching next to car.

TiddlestheCat · 04/02/2020 18:33

I personally wouldn't feel comfortable doing this myself, unless the car was in my line of sight. However, the police being called and social services informed seems ott!! I probably wouldn't have judged you harshly over it or reported you to the police though! Could the mother not have got the school to have a word with you if concerned.?

CalleighDoodle · 04/02/2020 18:33

I imagine the police mentioned social service because they could tell you dont think youve done anything wrong.

SueDoeName · 04/02/2020 18:35

I'm a police officer.

This is a dodgy thing to do - do you have a nice car op? There are now devices that can jam your locking mechanism- your car could be stolen with your child in it . Not worth the risk. I know if 2 cars taken in past week . Be very very careful if it's a remotely decent car. I know it's a pain but if your car was nicked with your 3 year old in it ??? No....don't do it .

TabbyMumz · 04/02/2020 18:36

The police woman wouldnt leave a 10 year old in a car?! An awful lot of 10 year olds walk home from school, crossing several roads, let themselves into their house and entertain themselves till their parents get home, so that's nonsense. However a 3 year old? I would never ever do that Sorry.

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/02/2020 18:36

Given your choice not to take the younger child out of the car, why can't you stand by the car and watch the younger child walk to school for two minutes?

If the reason you can't do this is that you can't see the eldest walk all the way I'm confused as to why one child's safety means more than the others.

caperberries · 04/02/2020 18:36

When I was a toddler (in the 70's...) my mother routinely left me and/or my siblings in the car whilst she went into shops or on other shortish errands, I think it was pretty normal then. On one occasion, she left me (about 3) and my older brother (about 5) in the car, which was parked at the top of the hill. My brother climbed into the driver's seat and pretended to drive - somehow he released the parking break and the car careered down the hill towards a junction. A passing hero ran beside the car and leaned in through the luckily open window and tragedy was narrowly averted.

I don't remember my mum leaving us unattended in the car again, at least not for some time.

A 3 year old is far too young to leave alone in a car - even for 2 minutes. It's not worth the risk

Bartlet · 04/02/2020 18:37

Agree that 3 is probably too young to be left but by 10 or 11 that is entirely appropriate. By that age both mine were walking themselves the half mile to and from school. Not leaving them out of your sight at that age is overprotective unless there are special needs concerns.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 04/02/2020 18:37

I wouldn’t be leave dd 4 in the car by herself and she quite a well behaved child but even perfect children can do things their not meant to, it would only take a minute for her to undo the seatbelt and get out of the car. Coming back to her not there would be be worst nightmare and I do t want to chance it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 04/02/2020 18:38

I'm actually surprised they came out for this though. So either the place you parked was bloody dangerous or you were much longer than you said.

JosefKeller · 04/02/2020 18:39

Mallysmomma
If you arrive 45 minutes early to secure a parking spot opposite the school gates, and are literally across the road, it's not that bad.

You'd still be wasting less time by arriving much later and walking with 2 kids for 2 minutes, but hey ho.

Otherwise there's absolutely no way to guarantee a parking spot opposite the gate unless you block someone's drive Shock

and it's very wrong to leave a 3 year old.

Monstermummymum · 04/02/2020 18:40

No way. A ten year old- yes. A three year old- hell no.

carly2803 · 04/02/2020 18:41

far too young.

10 is a bit extreme but i would not leave a child under 6 in a car alone, even in view. anything can happen

Episcomama · 04/02/2020 18:41

Sounds like a massive overreaction to me, OP. I would likely do the same. I collect my older son from martial arts every day after school and have my 5-year-old with me. I leave the 5 year old in the car rather than lug him out with me. Typically I am parked right outside, in full view of the door, but I occasionally have to go round the corner. If he's asleep or it's very icy/snowy I'll leave him in the car.

It's two minutes. There's risk to everything we do - and there's (I would be willing to bet) a much, much greater risk of my 5 year old sustaining a serious injury from falling on the ice than there is of him being abducted.

But then I'm probably considered somewhat negligent by MN standards; I have left my 8 year old home alone for 20 minutes while I run to the store, and my 11 year old not only walks home from school alone in a city but also spends the occasion reached training day, etc, home alone and loving the solitude!

KatyCarrCan · 04/02/2020 18:41

The issue isn't that the other parent complained. It's that the police think you're not assessing risk appropriately. They didn't come to speak to you to appease the other parent. They came because they think your actions are inappropriate.

Your car is parked on a school road. It's not school grounds. As a PP said, you can't always guarantee it will be visible. And if your 7-yr-old isn't safe to walk that distance then your 3-yr-old isn't safe to be left that distance away. If anything happened to you, then your child is left locked in a car. If anything happened to your child, you're too far away to intervene.

Monstermummymum · 04/02/2020 18:41

What if something happened to you on the way back to the car?!

MincePiesGetInMyBelly · 04/02/2020 18:41

So you still don't see that it's wrong? You're only pissed off because you can't do it anymore.

Thank god someone did call because it sounds like you have poor judgement.

Just like the mum when my DCs were at primary school her left her 3 year old home napping to do the school run and felt it was fine because they wouldn't wake up.

PolloDePrimavera · 04/02/2020 18:41

It's annoying to take them out, especially if raining or whatever, but it's just not worth the risk.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 04/02/2020 18:42

Why does your DD need to exit the car into the road?

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 18:43

I'm guessing the OP can't see her car and toddler at all during the 'two minutes' she's gone.

If she could, I doubt she would have said.... Elder DD is 7, nowhere near old enough to walk to the school gates by herself.

Because otherwise she'd walk the 7 year old across the road and then stand by her car and watch her walk through the gates, surely?

Dunin · 04/02/2020 18:43

I’m guessing she’s writing on here that it’s 2 minutes but that’s it is in fact longer than that in “real time”

Figgygal · 04/02/2020 18:43

I have a 3 year old and a just turned 8 year old. Every school run the 3 year old comes into school with us even if it is a few minutes and him in and out of car on the roadside I wouldn’t think not to tbh

You’ve been told by police you’re in the wrong and I’d say majority of people here have agreed with that do you still think what you’re doing is ok? If so maybe the ss referral isn’t that too over the top after all

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 18:44

Typically I am parked right outside, in full view of the door, but I occasionally have to go round the corner. If he's asleep or it's very icy/snowy I'll leave him in the car.

You leave a 5 year old parked around a corner on an icy road??

Jesus wept. What could possibly go wrong? Hmm

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