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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
RB68 · 04/02/2020 18:45

Why cant the 10 yr old walk to school on their own from the car? I think you need to park on the right side of the rd for school and she needs to walk herself in at 10 she is old enough not to need handing over

Baluga · 04/02/2020 18:45

I’m surprised you think that your 7 year old is nowhere near old enough to walk 2 minutes to the school gates but your 3 year old is ok to be left alone. By saying that I don’t think you have the car in your line of sight when you walk older dd to school. Do you just wave her off at the gates or wait until the class is called in. What if the teacher, or another parent needed to talk to you?
I personally don’t think it’s worth the risk at all to leave a 3 year old unattended in the car for any length of time, it may be more hassle to get her out but worth it IMO.

TeddyIsaHe · 04/02/2020 18:45

Everyone thinks the worst won’t happen, until it does.

It’s not worth the (tiny) risk. I know anything can happen any day, but the things you can do something to make safer you should.

Universalcreditwoes · 04/02/2020 18:46

I wouldn't. My then 4 year old was with his dad. His dad was standing next to the car talking to someone. My 4 year old accidently touched the hand brake trying to get out and the car rolled and hit a lamppost. Lucky all was well but could have been a lot worse. And his dad was stood right next to him. Imagine he was alone. Even if he wasn't hurt he would have panicked if an adult wasn't with him

JRUIN · 04/02/2020 18:46

I personally wouldn't feel too happy leaving a 3yr old alone in the car every weekday morning, but then I suppose it depends on the 3yr old. Is she happy to be left. Is she engrossed watching peppa pig on a tablet or something? You know your child best, you're not a bad mum and I am actually very surprised you got a visit from the police and are being threatened with social services for this. What a waste of resources!

Oulu · 04/02/2020 18:47

I don't understand why you put so much emphasis on getting her out of the car into the road. Presumably you're well used to keeping yourself safe when you get out on the road side of a parked, so you can keep your child safe for that purpose?

blue25 · 04/02/2020 18:47

Sadly plenty of parents are not capable of making the right choices when it comes to keeping their children safe.

As you have clearly demonstrated here.

OhLook · 04/02/2020 18:48

I have watched my 8 year old walk through the gates and to her class for about a year and a half. There are loads of kids and parents about, no one would be able to snatch her without someone stopping them. Not that it's very likely anyway.

I saw a girl of about two left in a car outside the school the other day and it shocked me. They weren't even parked that close and the parent definitely couldn't see the car. I've been looking out since but haven't seen it again.

1Morewineplease · 04/02/2020 18:48

I really don’t understand why anyone would leave a 3 yr old child in a car, alone.
Five minutes for an adult can seem like an eternity to a young child. Especially if the alarm goes off.
I speak from experience when I left my 9 and 6 yr olds in a car outside a shop where I could easily see them. I got sidetracked in the shop, was aware of a car alarm going off but didn’t think it was my car.
I left the shop to find that it was my alarm and my children were hysterical.
Lesson learned. NEVER again.

CalleighDoodle · 04/02/2020 18:48

That a Good point from the police officer above. A car was stolen in the next town to me last week with the child in the back.

I bet youre longer than two kinutes
You cannot see you car

Because otherwise the least risk scenario would be to walk the 7 yr old across the road to the gate and watch them from it, being in full view of the car too.

I leave my dog in the car on the school run and feel dreadful about it.

Sirzy · 04/02/2020 18:49

So have you been leaving her in the car alone since your elder child started school?

I do find it odd you don’t trust your 7 year old to walk one minute to school (because if your there and back in two that’s all it is) yet you will leave your 3 year old in a car.

TabbyMumz · 04/02/2020 18:50

"Why cant the 10 yr old walk to school on their own from the car? I think you need to park on the right side of the rd for school and she needs to walk herself in at 10 she is old enough not to need handing over"

I dont think there is a 10 year old? It was the policewoman who conjured up a 10 year old when she sai "I wouldnt leave a 10 year old".

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/02/2020 18:51

It’s easy to get distracted, another parent , a teacher wanting a word ...a bored 3 year old in a car on a busy road a tragedy waiting to happen.
I know someone whose child took the hand brake off when unattended & it rolled down a hill into other cars.
Instead of feeling hard done by I think a little soul searching. 3 is too young to be abandoned in a car , for longer than you seem prepared to admit.

I think you’ve been very lucky

GFJoe · 04/02/2020 18:51

I would leave 10 year old. I wouldn't leave 3 year old. They don't have any common sense. They might take the seatbelt off, come looking for you. A huge risk op. I wouldn't take it.

cakeandchampagne · 04/02/2020 18:51

I would have reported you.
Your 3 year old wasn’t safe.

Episcomama · 04/02/2020 18:52

You leave a 5 year old parked around a corner on an icy road??

It's a parking area for a couple of shops, not a road. But yes, I've done it twice and felt comfortable doing it.

ddraigygoch · 04/02/2020 18:54

YABVU. I have to get a 5,3 and 6 month old out twice a day for the school run. I get it. It sucks.

But this is all your fault. You created them. This is apart of it.

simonisnotme · 04/02/2020 18:55

so it boils down to - you cant be arsed to get your child out of the car to walk to school and your probably parked on the wrong side of the road as well

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 18:55

It's a parking area for a couple of shops, not a road. But yes, I've done it twice and felt comfortable doing it.

Well thank God a car didn't skid into yours, while your 5 year old was alone in it.

You honestly felt comfortable knowing that could well have happened?

Original poster
Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 18:56

No I don't have a nice car...

It was a dad who reported me.

I park on the same side of the road as the school, walk approx 8 metres along the pavement with DD1, see her walk through the gates and walk back to the car. The car can be in sight the whole time but only with me turning my head back every few seconds.

Definitely not parked dangerously / across anyone's drive / on the yellow lines outside of the school. Just standard roadside parking. I try to park as close after the yellow lines as I can.

When she was little we used to take the pram and a buggy board. I suppose it's only over the last 12 months we've tended to drive to school rather than walk.

I won't open her door out into the road in a morning. I'll have to undo her seatbelt inside the car and get her to climb across. And do the same in reverse getting back into the car.

Definitely didn't do or say anything that suggested I hadn't done anything wrong in front of the police officers. I was too shocked to do anything other than just agree with everything they said.

OP posts:
FecktheBoss · 04/02/2020 18:56

Your DD cant undo her seat buckle today, but she might in a month. There is always a first time but thing is that you will never know when this will happen.

If something were to happen, you wouldn't forgive yourself so why chance it in the first place

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 04/02/2020 18:56

If a two year old can release a handbrake and roll into a river then a 3.7 year old could decide to want to get out and find you.
You say 5 point harness can’t be undone by DD, neither could DS’s...... until we were zooming down a motorway and spotted, in the rear view, he had actually managed it.
I would be more concerned about someone colliding with the car with her in it tbh. If dropping the older one is 2 mins then get a friend to meet at the car and they can walk together with their parent. Why is the safety of the older one more important that younger one?

having that choice taken away because of what one other parent thinks I should do, and having to do something that feels more risky to me, that I am upset about

The fact you are more upset you can’t keep doing what you want rather than being concerned there may be a safety issue for the youngest is odd. I would be mortified if I had been reported because my choices had caused people to report me, not upset that I can’t keep doing the thing I had been reported for.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/02/2020 18:56

Echoing other's it only takes an extra minute to take her out.
A younger baby would be safer but still not advised, a 3.7 y.o can easily unlock a seatbelt, climb in the driver seat, pull the handbrake, get out of the car. It is to dangerous.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 04/02/2020 18:57

Having the police come must have been very unsettling.

How long have you been leaving your 3.7 year old in the car? I do think it is unsafe to do so (though I acknowledge the frustration you feel in having the decision taken out of your hands). What is relevant though is why and when you started leaving your 3.7 year in the car.

bobstersmum · 04/02/2020 18:57

If the road is that bad that you don't want to risk getting the three year old out then it's definitely riskier to leave her. You think she can't undo the car seat, and she might not be able to today, but tomorrow she will take you by surprise and do it and get out to look for you. I wouldn't do it.

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