Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Amatteroftime · 04/02/2020 18:14

If the car was visible it is different but I can't imagine you can see her in it on the school run.
SS may just have a chat with you about supervision...if that.

heartsonacake · 04/02/2020 18:14

YABU; she is far too young to be left alone. The person who reported you was right to, and the police were also right to make a referral as your judgement is clearly clouded here.

CandyApple1995 · 04/02/2020 18:14

I agree with everyone else saying 3 is far too young.

Dunin · 04/02/2020 18:15

Sorry OP but there’s no way I’d leave a 3 year old alone like that. I’d send the 10 year old into school on their own from the gate. I’d leave a 10 year old alone for a few minutes in the car. Eyes need to be on under 7’s at all time.

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2020 18:15

If it is such a short distance then wouldn't it be more sensible to stay with the 3 year old and watch the 10 year old go in rather than leave the 3 year old alone in a car while you escort a ten year old (1 or 2 school years from secondary school?) in to the playground.

puds11 · 04/02/2020 18:15

I don’t leave my 11 yo in the car 🤷‍♀️ In my mind it’s an unnecessary risk to take. I wouldn’t even contemplate leaving a 3 yo.

Original poster
Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 18:15

She's strapped into a 5 point harness car seat, car is locked, she can't undo the harness or unlock the car, and absolutely wouldn't acknowledge a stranger...she won't make eye contact with people she does know.

Elder DD is 7, nowhere near old enough to walk to the school gates by herself.

I understand that some people wouldn't make the same choice as me. For me, it's a choice of having to get one of them out of the car into the road, or leave the younger one for what is literally 2 minutes. It's having that choice taken away because of what one other parent thinks I should do, and having to do something that feels more risky to me, that I am upset about.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 18:16

I think it's unlikely that any parent would always get a parking spot in front of a busy school, where the car is always going to be visible.

bellie710 · 04/02/2020 18:16

Only you know your own kids and can make the decision, my children would never undo seatbelts, climb out the car, touch the handbrake etc and I would happily have left them in the car so I would assume you have no worries either. Don't let people make you feel bad just do what works for you. Personally I would probably chuck the 10 year old out and let them go themselves but again we don't know if that is allowed or not?

NYCDreaming · 04/02/2020 18:16

I can't get too excited about a mum leaving her three year old in a car for a few minutes. I think it's one of those parental discretion moments - I think I probably wouldn't have done it (my children are feral Grin) but I wouldn't think anything of somebody else doing it. The reasons she has given make total sense! Reporting it to the police seems like a complete overreaction to me.

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2020 18:18

Sorry, all the talk of ten year olds made me think your other child was ten.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 18:18

It's having that choice taken away because of what one other parent thinks I should do, and having to do something that feels more risky to me, that I am upset about.

One parent reported you

That doesn't mean only one parent disagrees with what you're doing.

Look how many people come to Mumsnet, umming and ahhhing about reporting someone.

WheresMyChocolate · 04/02/2020 18:19

When I was that age, I used the hot cigarette lighter to melt pretty patterns into the steering wheel and dashboard. I didn't get left again.

opticaldelusion · 04/02/2020 18:19

I'd have done it.

okiedokieme · 04/02/2020 18:19

If I saw a child in a car, I would call the police. Never leave a child unattended that young

Amberheartkitty · 04/02/2020 18:19

I used to leave my one year old and 2 year old in the car for two minutes whilst I ran across The road to drop the older ones to school.

I see plenty of parents doing the same. I was not getting a double pushchair out of the boot or carrying two toddlers for the sake of crossing a road. I can be flamed along with you op.

LouReidDododo · 04/02/2020 18:20

There has been many a time I’ve wanted to leave dd3 in the car but I have visions of her escaping her seat and some how letting the hand break off.

Take it on the chin OP

JosefKeller · 04/02/2020 18:20

I am waiting for a massive drip feed, but surely your 7 yo is old enough to stay with you nicely and not run in front of cars or anything like that?

So absolutely no excuse for leaving a 3 yo in the car, none. The person who reported you is perfectly right to be concerned.

I wouldn't leave the child anyway, but could understand where you are coming from if you had troubled twins or something. In your case, don't be silly. Don't abandon your child in the car.

Amatteroftime · 04/02/2020 18:20

It's having that choice taken away because of what one other parent thinks I should do, and having to do something that feels more risky to me, that I am upset about.

How can that possibly be more upsetting? You know that there are children out there who have been abducted, and their parents thought they also wouldn't acknowledge strangers?
I'm not saying this will happen as it is an extreme scenario but it amazing what can actually happen when we think it definitely won't.
Good on the other parent for having the confidence to report their worries.

Nicknacky · 04/02/2020 18:20

Everyone thinks their kid can’t do something (like undo a seat belt) until they actually do it for the first time.

It’s not that big a task to take a 3 year old to the school playground!

Breastfeedingworries · 04/02/2020 18:20

I’ve left my 14 month old dd in the car while I’ve got fuel or nipped for milk if she’s been asleep Not on a road tho. I did when she was younger too. I think the law is you can’t leave them in a dangerous situation, so it’s like a grey area.

At 3.7 more likely to be able to get out of their seat than a younger baby/toddler. So there’s more risk.
Also leaving a small baby/toddler in quiet car park quickly is less risk than a busy road at school time.

So risk is something to consider, and their age and what they can do or access. Like other posters have said though you run the risk of Abduction. I wouldn’t leave dd when she’s a toddler and out of baby seat.

So my easy life will be over soon Grin

VettiyaIruken · 04/02/2020 18:20

Is your car always in sight outside the school every day so you never leave your 3 year old in the car out of sight?

Being able to see her is slightly better than not but still an unnecessary risk imo.
I'm sorry you feel judged though. That's not a nice feeling.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 04/02/2020 18:20

I agree with PPs; you have to take the 3 YO with you, it's what we all have to do if you have more than 1 child.

Genevieva · 04/02/2020 18:20

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of your choice as a parent, this is not a police matter. Incidentally, my own children were cycling to school at 8 years old, never mind 10. I would imagine that social services have more important things to worry about.

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 18:21

Lots of people let their ten (or even younger) DC walk into the school gates alone at my DC’s school, why can’t you do that? I wouldn’t leave a 3 year old in the car unattended, anything could happen.