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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 14:45

No, you shouldn't. I've only left DS in the car asleep in my driveway, and popped out frequently to check on him

What!!! How is that any better @yellowallpaper? Please explain to me why that is different?

Emptyspacex · 05/02/2020 15:01

What if anything happened to you in that time? Collapsed or even died? You'd get taken away in an ambulance and your child will be left alone in the car.
Disgusting.

Abraid2 · 05/02/2020 15:05

I don't think I've ever witnessed a mother collapsing or dying taking a child through the school grounds from the street outside but I may have lived a very quiet life.

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 15:16

I've only left DS in the car asleep in my driveway, and popped out frequently to check on him

This is also highly irresponsible. If DS is asleep in the car I literally just sit in the car like a maniac and surf MN until he’s awake. I wouldn’t dream of leaving him it’s a bananas thing to do. Your

ChicCroissant · 05/02/2020 15:49

I've seen parents faint in the school playground at pickup - it's not an everyday occurrence by any means but yes, I've seen it happen.

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 05/02/2020 15:56

agree with them and who reported you

this is a bloody baby being left alone

social services should be suggesting parenting classes and heath and safely courses

the fact your annoyed shows you dont think you did anything wrong and without being reported you would have carried on with this

Alonelonelyloner · 05/02/2020 16:19

It's just an awful risk, both in terms of what other drivers/people could do but also you can't always know what a 3 year old will do or what could happen to you.

It is no way just one parent who has noticed this and called the police. Even if no one else called, everyone will
Have noticed and be saying shitty things about it.

It's a dumb move once but to do it repeatedly is too much.

vhs95 · 05/02/2020 16:22

I've never left a toddler in the car while I paid for petrol - never ever.

SellFridges · 05/02/2020 16:31

If I saw you doing this regularly I would speak to the school. I’d expect them to raise it as a safeguarding issue.

And I’m known as a fairly lax parent.

99problemsandthecatis1 · 05/02/2020 17:49

What if anything happened to you in that time? Collapsed or even died? You'd get taken away in an ambulance and your child will be left alone in the car.

Quite frankly it's more likely that the child would be noticed quicker in the car than, let's say, home alone with the child. So should parents never be alone with children unless in public places?

Everything is a risk. Everything. And as a parent you assess those risks and choose the ones most acceptable to you. The risk of being run over on a petrol forecourt is less than crossing a busy road. Roads near schools are busy at drop off/ collection time and visibility poor due to the number of parked cars. Keeping a child who runs off in the car on a petrol forecourt is safer than taking them in to the kiosk. Same with a child who bolts and crossing any road/ carpark.

As a parent I've never seen a car at a school crashed in to. I've never known my child get out of their carseat. I HAVE had the unfortunate experience of seeing 2 children knocked over. I've known of one carjacking, but the parent was on the car at the time. I use my personal experience to inform my choices. If I'd had different experiences I may make different choices.

DaveGrohlsMuse · 05/02/2020 17:49

'm another one who doesn't believe the OP's details. There are usually zig zags up to the school entrance, which would stop a car being able to (legally) park that close to the school gate. And a 16m walk doesn't take 2 minutes. So I think the car is further away than she's saying.

A 3yo is more than capable of undoing their seat belt and climbing into the front of the car.

I certainly don't agree with the comment that the police officer gave about the 10yo, but if you've had a telling off then you need to accept that it's not acceptable and change your behaviour. 3yo on kerbside seat, 7yo climbs over. Easy.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/02/2020 17:56

I can understand the need for the police to give you a warning but referring to social services is over the top, unless these parents told them something else about you.

IamPickleRick · 05/02/2020 18:07

crispysausagerolls I’ve done that, I talways ake a book with me in case they fall asleep in the car and depending on the time I either go home and risk the transfer or just go to school early to get a good parking space and read my book for an hour!

Nicknacky · 05/02/2020 18:11

love We have no option but to refer it to SS and it’s up to them if they chose to do anything with it. Information sharing is paramount and fundamentally a child has been left alone in circumstances giving some level of concern but not to the extent of being a criminal matter.

NoNoAndNoAgain · 05/02/2020 18:18

For me it's not the fact that you've made an error of judgement. It's despite the fact a parent and the police have raised it with you and social services will be informed you still don't see the problem. You still disagree.

I'm all for people owning up they made a mistake. Everyone's going to make a mistake as a parent. But learn from it.

I also doubt it's 8 metres. And if so you can park that distance away every single time. 8 metres wouldn't even take 2 minutes. You're either minimising the risk or more worryingly you don't see the it.

For the record I would've said my 3 year old couldn't undo his safety harness. Till he did. On the M25. Never underestimate kids.

And for all those people saying you leave your kids alone in bed etc. It's about managing risks isn't it. Yes every time you eat you could choke. You can't avoid eating. But don't intentionally put your children in danger when there's no need. And there's no need for this.

yellowallpaper · 05/02/2020 18:28

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Leaving an 18 month old asleep in his car seat, strapped in, (he couldn't undo the belt), car locked and in my driveway in a quiet cut de sac, with me looking out of the window at the car and checking him every 5 minutes. Dangerous in what way? (Not in summer obviously)

Stray meteor hitting it? A runaway bus careers up the hill to our driveway to hit my car? The bogeyman breaking into my car and stealing it and DS?

I felt safer leaving him there than in our enclosed garden in a buggy asleep.

TabbyMumz · 05/02/2020 18:29

"Not all the time, what about parents who shut the bedroom door, or live in a big house."

They are still in the house with them, no?

"Also, really? A little girl was abducted from her grandparents not far from me recently and murdered. I'm sure she had been in bmher bed."

More children are kidnapped in cars (often the car thief doesnt know they are there) than from their bed. I think we can all agree your child is deemed safer at home with their parents than in a car on their own!!!

Stinkycatbreath · 05/02/2020 19:08

Child in my area was kidnapped in a car parked outs3a petrol station with parent in plain sight. Its unlikely but not worth the risk.

amusedbush · 05/02/2020 19:27

When my brother was about 3 he unclipped his car seat and stood up while my mum was doing 70mph on the motorway. Your DD may not be able to unclip her seatbelt now but very soon she could.

I wouldn’t risk it.

Mummyshark2019 · 05/02/2020 19:43

Policewoman was right. That's too young to leave child of that age alone in car.

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 19:53

@yellowallpaper

What if baby wakes up just after you check on him? And is crying for 5 mins until you check again because he doesn’t know where you are/you can’t hear him because he’s in a locked car? I would feel so dreadful!

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 19:56

@IamPickleRick

You make a very good point - I have kindle
on my phone and NEVER remember this until I’ve been struggling to load internet for nearly the whole nap (shit signal outside my house) and finally remember too late 😂🙈 book is so clever

yellowallpaper · 05/02/2020 20:52

@crispysausagerolls Suppose your baby woke up while you were in the shower and cried for 5 minutes?

Last time I looked a 5 minute cry never killed anyone.

Do you have a baby who isn't allowed to cry. Ever? Miracle. 'Baby never cries!'

SisterAgatha · 05/02/2020 21:19

I suppose the difference between the shower and the car is the intention. You don’t step in the shower deliberately to ignore them. You do walk away from a car knowing there’s no chance at all that you’ll hear them.

crispysausagerolls · 06/02/2020 08:10

What @SisterAgatha says

Also, I take my baby monitor into the shower. Things like showering and sleeping we have to do. But shutting your baby in a soundproof box aka a car is completely unnecessary! And by the way one day your child will suddenly undo their harness and open the door because that’s what they are like and you won’t know and Christ knows what will happen. DS is 18 months and able to undo his car seat.

I actually had a nightmare thanks to this thread that I had left him in the car 🙈🤦🏻‍♀️