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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 10:07

I don’t believe the Police would have become involved if the distance given is correct. Neither do I believe that it would have been reported to them twice if the mother could see her child and was no more than 3 seconds away.

Going by the over dramatic responses on this thread, I would say it's very likely.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 10:09

My father was a police officer. Who was involved in something that happened to a child who was left in a car. I won’t talk about it as it’s incredibly distressing for me. I’m sure the story would be to any parent

Police officers have to deal with dreadful situations involving children all the time. It doesn't stop people taking risks with their child. Everytime you take. Your child in the car, you are taking a risk. Everytime you feed your child, you risk them choking.

highlandsprung · 05/02/2020 10:14

I crashed into a car outside a school. It was parked pretty badly. The rear bumper fell off. I wouldn't leave my dc in a car at this time. Everyone's in a rush, cars are parked badly and things could go wrong, perhaps the person reporting you saw something nearly happen?

onionface · 05/02/2020 10:37

You wouldn't leave a 3 year old alone anywhere else so why is a car any different? Baffling.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 10:46

You leave them alone in their bed.

mum11970 · 05/02/2020 11:09

Nigella I didn’t mean the dad had looked up the address himself and sent someone round. I meant that the complaint was given attention due to being reported by another police officer, rather than Joe Bloggs down the road.
I’m not naive enough to believe that if an off duty police officer and a member of the general public both reported an incident such as this, that both reports would be treated exactly the same way and given the same credence.

Anotheruser02 · 05/02/2020 11:21

Onion, do you not sit on a bench while your child runs around the grass at the park or climbs on a play structure 8 metres is such a short distance away it's laughable. to never be more than two car lengths from your child is hovering. How do people take more than one child to the park or woods with them if you cannot look away from either for a second.

DCOkeford · 05/02/2020 11:56

The point is that the law is silent on this point, so it is (rightly IMO) left to the parent to judge.

It's much like smacking really; It's not something I would do, and if I'm honest I would judge a bit if I knew someone was doing it, but ultimately its none of anyone else's business.

We need to be very careful before we hand any more of our parenting discretion over to the State - we have little enough of it left as it is.

Nicknacky · 05/02/2020 11:57

mum That would make zero difference where I worked. I have phoned in incidents when off duty and the fact I’m an officer didn’t mean I got different treatment.

The calls are allocated on need, not name of caller.

DCOkeford · 05/02/2020 12:00

...but no law has been broken.

The police shouldn't be involved at all.

TabbyMumz · 05/02/2020 12:00

Leaving them alone in their bed is quite different to leaving a child alone in a car. Presumably when they are in bed, you are in the house and able to hear them. They are also safe from strangers in their bed . In a park on a bench they would be in your eyesight and in an enclosed area, and you can spot any dangers. Tons of cars have been crashed into outside schools, and stolen with little ones inside. And children do get abducted. No way would I ever leave a 3 year old in a car on their own. I once saw a small child in the back if a car at school drop off time, noone with it. The child was screaming and really distressed. From the car to the school gates was about 50 metres, then you have to go through the gates, turn left and into school another 50 metres. Absolutely dumbfounded why anyone would do that.

Nicknacky · 05/02/2020 12:03

The police don’t deal only with incidents where crimes are committed, they deal with “concern for calls” frequently. And they were investigation of any offences had been committed and when they are satisfied they weren’t they have referred to SS as they are obliged to.

sidesplittinglol · 05/02/2020 12:05

That's far too young to be left alone. I've seen a mum leave her baby who looked no more than 5 months asleep in the car whilst she dropped off her baby and had I been able to I would have reported her as well. It's not safe. Anything can happen. My 4 year old knows how to undo her car seat belt.

yellowallpaper · 05/02/2020 12:08

No, you shouldn't. I've only left DS in the car asleep in my driveway, and popped out frequently to check on him

Gkeshs3under3 · 05/02/2020 12:09

My 4 year old can undo her belt, climb to the front seats (back doors are child locked) and open the driver's door in a matter of seconds. Why would anyone leave a young child in the car just to avoid inconvenience?

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/02/2020 12:25

The police don’t deal only with incidents where crimes are committed, they deal with “concern for calls” frequently

My friend has an injunction out on her violent ex.

She goes through the motions of phoning the police but they never come out on the day they come round a few days later and say it is her word against his that the incident happened as they haven’t seen it.

Another friend was chased through her house by armed men whilst on a 999 call. The police came out the following day and gave her a crime number for insurance purposes and the telephone number of victim support.

They didn’t take fingerprints or even take one of the weapons away with them.

They didn’t seem to be interested.

Whilst I wouldn’t leave my 3 year old in a car alone I do think the police coming round for what might be a child protection issue is directing their meagre resources in the wrong direction

No wonder criminals feel they can do anything they want to.

Herringbone31 · 05/02/2020 12:31

@DCOkeford

How did that guy get arrested when he left his kid outside boots whilst he popped into Asda if it’s not illegal?

TheSoapyFrog · 05/02/2020 13:17

In all honesty I wouldn't have left my 3 old alone in a car.
I do think you need to work on your 7 year old's confidence if she isn't willing to walk 8m/2 minutes on her own.
Now that SS are going to be involved, very briefly I expect, maybe just say in hindsight it wasn't the most sensible thing to do although you genuinely thought you were making the safest choice, but you will or have changed this now.
You may not think you've done anything wrong, but the police have taken a dim view, so I really think you need to change your attitude.

DCOkeford · 05/02/2020 13:28

@Herringbone31

I think the question you should be asking is: Why was the man's conviction overturned on appeal?

A: Due to the fact that no crime was committed.

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/02/2020 13:43

It's nothing to do about risk. It's about how you'd feel in the scenario of something going wrong.

I expect any parent to be devastated if their child was to be hurt or worse in any circumstances but it must be much much worse to lose a child when they were left helpless trapped alone in car, then if something happened when they were next to you and you could at least try to do something or were able to hug them.

Herringbone31 · 05/02/2020 14:22

@DCOkeford

Ahh. Didn’t realise that. Thanks for letting me know.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 14:25

How old is your eldest daughter? And how far does she have to walk from the car to school?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 14:39

Presumably when they are in bed, you are in the house and able to hear them. They are also safe from strangers in their bed

Not all the time, what about parents who shut the bedroom door, or live in a big house.
Also, really? A little girl was abducted from her grandparents not far from me recently and murdered. I'm sure she had been in bmher bed.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 14:41

Also a story of a woman recently who was attacked right next to her car, the man/men who stole the car drove off with her baby in the back. She was literally either just about to get in, or just about to get out.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/02/2020 14:42

The child was screaming and really distressed. From the car to the school gates was about 50 metres, then you have to go through the gates, turn left and into school another 50 metres. Absolutely dumbfounded why anyone would do that.

That's not what the OP does Confused