To not want to wait for a proposal

[rosieposies]

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

Can you make sure he's aware of the old tradition that women are allowed to do the proposing on February 29th? (Our friends were predicting that my OH would propose on 28th!)

It’s sweet he wants to make it special to you. It may not seem important to you now but I’m sure it’s a story that your dc and dgc will love hearing one day. It is a special moment and it’s lovely he has something in mind

Just talk to each other and decide to get married. It isn't the 19th century. "Romance" is a crock of shite.

Well he doesn't know that we'll at all then if you're not bothered about a proposal and he's insisting on it for you.

How long have you been waiting since you agreed you both wanted to get married? I’m with you, just set a date and get on with it

Tell him you don't want to wait for a proposal - once adults have discussed and agreed to get married, that's it, you're engaged. For one person to take all control over when and how that happens is not appropriate in an equal relationship. It's not romantic, it's controlling.
Much better imo for two people to jointly decide and get on with it.

I’d tell him to fuck off!

What a lot of patronising, sexist shite. You’re a grown woman who’s said that you want to get married, he agrees, but insists that you wait for his word to make it happen, and that he’s doing this because he knows you better than you know yourself!

Seriously, get that to fuck!

Jesus not another one of these. I feel like this comes up every week.

If he is expecting you to wait while he dicks around being old fashioned he is procrastinating and probably doesn’t want to marry you.

You should have had this discussion before you had the baby but that ship has sailed.

You don’t say whether you are working or have your own money or home. If not it’s strongly recommended you do so for your financial protection.

This is what it’s about. Not this bollocks about rings or the ridiculous conceit that the man has to have his vanity pandered to.

Make it very clear that you’re not fussed about the wedding but you want to be married and to stop messing you around. You will be able to ascertain quite quickly whether he is serious or deliberately kicking it into the long grass.

Ooh there was a thread recently where the OP's DP wanted her to wait till he proposed and everyone on the thread said it was stupid and (in my opinion) goaded the OP into having it out with him which caused a big fight.

If he's generally a good partner and not a misogynist or anything then personally I'd let him have this one and let him do it his way! (as long as he's not going to keep you wanting around forever ... great tip about hinting that he'd better bear in mind that it's a leap year ...)

It's not a partnership if it's not a mutual decision.

Agree a date and start planning.

Yanbu at all. Speak to him and tell him how you feel about this.

If you know this man well enough to get married, then you know him well enough to sit down and tell him you really don't want a proposal, that you appreciate his trying to find the right way to do one for you but it's not something you want and you would rather you just set a date and start organising it.

DH was like this. We’d already agreed we wanted to get married which was enough for me. but he being much more traditional than me wanted to “propose”. I on the other hand didn’t want to be left hanging and leave the timing all up to him.

In the end I told him (tongue in cheek but only half) that he’d got till Feb 29th - it was a leap year. he proposed Feb 17th.

God what is it with all these men and their bloody proposals? This is the third or fourth thread I've read like this in the past month. Like a desperate last attempt to grasp at the one thing where they are still allowed to play-act at being the man of the house.

I actually think someone insisting on proposing would make me want to call the whole thing off. It's like small boys raiding their dad's dressing up cupboards.

Tell you want a marriage not a proposal and you want to sit down and start planning it. If he still wants to play charades tell him its off.

It may not seem important to you now but I’m sure it’s a story that your dc and dgc will love hearing one day.

They'll love hearing that their mum/grandmother wanted to get married so she asked about doing it, but their dad/grandad refused because he wanted to have complete control over it and had to be the one who "proposed" on his terms under the guise of "romance"? I bloody hope the world isn't that sexist in the future.

Do you think he's waiting till Valentine's day, and going the
full down on one knee thing op?

onionface hear hear.

Surely a proposal is redundant once you've discussed it?

“It's like small boys raiding their dad's dressing up cupboards.“

OP, unless you’re in a massive rush, I’d just leave him to it. He probably just wants it to be memorable and meaningful and he wants to give you a ring he thinks you’ll love etc. There’s nothing wrong with that. He wants to make an effort, so don’t pull the rug from under his feet because you’re impatient.

If however, 12 months passes and you get the impression he’s just stalling / faffing, then it may be time for a rethink if it’s something important to you.

I can honestly say that my adult DC have never shown any interest in how I got engaged. And I haven't got a bloody clue about my parents and grandparents engagement stories.

Exactly @katy1213 - it just feels really odd and redundant.

I'm going to be honest, if it wasn't for practical reasons I'm not sure I'd bother getting married. I also like the idea of being a 'unit' legally.

I'm glad it's not just me that thinks that it's annoying.

He's honestly so certain that whatever he's got planned is going to be great and just up my street, but I am just totally on edge here

@lanthanum to be honest I just can't think of anything worse than any kind of proposal, I hate a scene, hate attention, I wouldn't even know where to start!

@AnneLovesGilbert it's probably been over a year now

I'd tell him he's got until the 29th and if it's not done by then you'll be taking the initiative.

Yes give him a timeline. Tell him very honestly that it makes you feel controlled and stressed. Those aren’t romantic sexy feelings.

Over a year? Bollocks to that. He’s stalling.