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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to wait for a proposal

173 replies

rosieposies · 04/02/2020 17:46

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 04/02/2020 22:31

He's trying to claw back control. If he wants to give you a romantic surprise it doesn't ha e to linked to a proposal. What a weirdo. Just book a bloody wedding.

katy1213 · 04/02/2020 22:31

I'd be worried that if he's planning something so 'great' , it could be some awful, toe-curling public declaration - like at a football match, or whatever. And then I would honestly say no because I couldn't marry a prat who wouldn't grasp that I'd hate it!
Perhaps you need to spell it out clearly that it needs to be a private moment to be romantic!

Naomh · 04/02/2020 22:36

You’ve both decided you want to get married, so you’re engaged. Just set a date. Tell him you think proposals are toe-curlingly naff and whatever wildly original idea he has about going down on one knee in a hot air balloon, or hiding the ring in your Valentine’s Day dessert makes you roll your eyes so far back they risk getting stuck.

Cotswolds10 · 04/02/2020 22:41

He says he knows what you’d hate but you hate this and he doesn’t seem to realise.

Have you told him straight out that this makes you really uncomfortable and that you would prefer to just make a joint adult decision?

If you have told him this and he is still refusing to just move forward together with planning a wedding, I would be more upset about his behaviour than the stress of the actual proposal.

Original poster
rosieposies · 05/02/2020 00:00

Well in an interesting turn of events, he actually wants to maybe get married in a few years and doesn't understand the 'rush' and 'why shouldn't we do it when things are a bit calmer in our lives'

Ok so when I've given you another baby and I've continued to raise your son from a precious marriage.

Things aren't looking good.

OP posts:
redastherose · 05/02/2020 00:34

Not good at all. He doesn't want to marry you which is a shitty thing to tell you after you had a baby together. I hope you have a job to go back to, if not, you need to get back into work and make sure he understands that he's now responsible for 50% of childcare of your dc and all for his son and 50% of all housework. He shouldn't get the benefits of marriage without the protection it gives you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2020 00:47

So he lied to you, to control and manage you. What a dick move.

No things don’t look good. Sorry OP.

Clevererthanyou · 05/02/2020 00:52

You mentioned that the idea of being proposed to makes you feel a bit ick and that’s fine, I wonder if you’d mine awfully proposing to your partner instead? There’s nothing stopping you from making a romantic gesture/nice proposal. I didn’t wait for February 29th as I don’t give a shite about conventional behaviours I just asked my now husband how he felt about spending his life with me and voila here we are Grin Speak to your partner again and try to get an idea of how he feels about YOU proposing.

Clevererthanyou · 05/02/2020 00:54

Oh fuck a duck Op Sad I’m sorry he’s such a knob. Is there any chance that he’s just anxious about a big traditional wedding?

morrisseysquif · 05/02/2020 01:04

Maybe he needs to go and ask another man (your dad) permission for him to take you on, like a possession? If he does, dump him

Outdated notions.

Grobagsforever · 05/02/2020 04:02

Urgh OP, sorry. You're not financially dependent on him I hope?

BillHadersNewWife · 05/02/2020 04:32

Tell him his 'idea' won't be nearly as appealing to you as just booking the venue and getting on with it.

That's what I'd say. Dh and I were unmarried for a couple of years after DC but it was because he's from another country and we had to save very hard so that his Mum could come over to be part of the day and because we both wanted a bit of a party to celebrate. Proposals aren't important once you're living together with kids.

FloraFox · 05/02/2020 04:34

You had the discussion when you were 7 months PG and now he's stalling. What did you say when he said he wanted to wait a few years?

If you are in England, you are very vulnerable here as an unmarried mother. Are you joint owners / tenants?

If you haven't already told him you'd like to be a legal family unit but don't care about the fuss of a wedding, you should tell him. Think very carefully before having any more children in this situation.

Wallywobbles · 05/02/2020 04:49

Hope you are going back to work full time soon then. Take care of your career.

UndecidedOne · 05/02/2020 04:52

Hrtft, but maybe this is something he wants to do for him? I'm probably using the wrong words here (just woke up from night shift) but, perhaps he wants the fancy engagement if that makes sense. My husband enjoyed planning out how he proposed to me

Original poster
rosieposies · 05/02/2020 05:16

We've had it out. He doesn't understand why I want to get married now as I didn't want to before the baby. He tried to tell me I wanted to get married for the wrong reasons, not because I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but because of practicalities and because 'our friends are getting married'.

I called him out on it and told
Him he was blaming me so he felt less guilty. He's now told me that he's scared of getting married as it will 'change things' and what if I'm still 'not happy' after we're married. I don't really know what that means. If he'd just been honest and told me he didn't want to get married rather than string me along I could cope with that. It's the lies and the inability to be straight with me. He's a coward.

I'm in a shit situation where we both want different things and essentially am trapped.

I am totally financially dependant on him, all of my money is in our house.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosieposies · 05/02/2020 05:21

I don't have a career to go back to. I was made redundant before I fell pregnant. OH is a high earner and I have no qualifications, my previous role was a small salary, so the deal was I take on child care and he works.

I'm starting completely from scratch.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 05/02/2020 05:36

The fact that he's a high earner says it all OP. He's FULLY aware of the fact that you have no claim to anything if you split.

Take the choice out of his hands and say it's a dealbreaker. He can either marry you or you're leaving and he can see his child every other weekend.

But really the fact that he's putting you in this position makes me think you should just leave anyway. It will be easier now than in 10 years time.

CharlotteMD · 05/02/2020 05:40

Difficult situation to be in. Absolutely he should have been honest with you but at the end of the day you cannot force somebody to marry you. I guess you need to try and secure your financial situation as best you can and definately express your disquiet at his unreliability. I'm not sure what more you can do. Sorry I'm unable to offer anything more. Good luck x

CharlotteMD · 05/02/2020 05:48

Bill problem with an ultimatum like that you need to have plan B pretty much tied down. Hopefully their property's is in joint name so she has some equity to rely on but carving out a financially rewarding career from scratch with a small child in tow isn't going to be easy.

KatherineJaneway · 05/02/2020 05:53

Reading your updates has shown what I suspected. He doesn't want to get married because of money and the fact you'd be entitled to more of his.

Shev1996 · 05/02/2020 06:00

You’ve provided him with children OP, but he doesn’t view you as a long term partner. When you break up one of his high earning colleagues and him will suddenly become engaged. Sorry this is how men like this work

thepeopleversuswork · 05/02/2020 06:01

Sorry to hear this has happened OP - what a shit he is. On the plus side you now know where you are are have to begin to disentangle yourself from him and begin a life on your own.

I'm sorry to be cynical but these threads always go the same way. The formula goes like this: OP pops up to say "my OH is desperate to marry me but I have to wait for him to propose". OP has been waiting four years for the proposal which never materialises for inexplicable reasons.

Some daft people pop up to advise OP he is "traditional" and to allow him to take the lead in order not to damage his precious masculinity. Some other people advise her he's a cynical bastard who has no intention of marrying her and is stringing her along. OP gets anxious and eventually raises with the DP again prompting either another furious burst of righteousness about the importance of the man proposing or a row leading ultimately to the end of the relationship.

We need a pinned thread on this really because its so important and there are still so many posters deluding themselves on this.

When a man insists that he has to be the one to propose and makes the woman wait it isn't because he's romantic or sweet or traditional. It's because he doesn't want to marry her and has been expecting her to bear his kids and be his skivvy and stringing her along that she will eventually get some status and legal protection.

I really want to shout this from the rooftops or take out an ad on national TV because this bollocks about the man having to propose is still incredibly prevalent and its leading so many sensible women into vulnerable financial situations. Like this one.

Don't have children with someone who feeds you this shit about how he needs to be the one to propose.

The4thSandersonSister · 05/02/2020 06:06

So you get the old fashioned "duties" of a Wife, without any of the legal, financial or medical protections of being his Wife. Does your DC have his Family name?

He has someone to keep house, administrate, have his Child, facilitate his time with his child from his previous relationship, provide sex, emotional support. You have a child and complete financial dependence on this man.

Who do you think has all the power in this relationship. Also I'm pretty sure he entered into the relationship knowing he would never marry you.

Not sure what you can do because you have no power to make him marry you, and he has zero incentive.

I'd suggest getting back into the workforce ASAP, and getting some money behind you.

ukgift2016 · 05/02/2020 06:25

Oh OP... this is one of those cautionary tales for other unmarried women.

You are a SAHM. Currently no potential for a high paid job.

He is a high earner who you are financially dependant on.

Yes he is protecting his assets here. Is your name on the house deeds?

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