To not want to wait for a proposal

[rosieposies]

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

The4thSandersonSister ....... then she should have taken responsibility for herself in the first place.. And she'll need some sort of qualification or transferable skill to be able to get back into the workforce. Clearly this guy is protection his assets but then 50% of marriages end in divorce , don't they ?.

Ah that's a bad result OP, I'm sorry. Getting married for practical reasons is, imo, more important than romantic ones. It's a legal contract. You should sign it because you want the benefits and obligations of the contract, not because of romance. Romance has almost nothing to do with it once you boil it down. He's obviously maneuvered himself into a position where he holds all the power so I would be telling him you need to readdress that balance or your leaving. That means he potentially scales back his career to facilitate you going back to work asap. That means making sure your claim on your share of the house is rock solid. It means all domestic duties become 50 50 immediately. It sadly means no more kids. If he won't do all that then I'm sorry but he doesn't love you - at least not in the way you deserve. For me I don't think the relationship could survive this level of disrespect. Good luck but don't waste time in taking back control from this man. You can't trust him or rely on him to protect and provide for you. Whether or not you leave, you need to be independent of him ASAP.

I'd leave him now. Ideally he would go until the house is sold. You will get some money from the sale of the house and some child support. I'd rather have nothing than stay. Fortunately you only have one child, which makes it a bit easier to start again, but you are young and you have to get out of this situation while you still can.
You might get the legal right to remain in the house until the baby is 18, which would give you time to sort your finances out. Get legal advice and start making your move I think

Get your CV sorted, put money aside into savings so that you feel like you have the ability to leave if you want.

Do you have a joint account? How do your finances work together?

Go back to the type of job you were in before you were made redundant.

I don’t think you have to leave if you don’t want to but he went from “I have a great proposal planned” to “I don’t want to get married yet” so the first excuse was a lie and a delaying tactic to keep you hanging and to shut you up.

You need to assume that he will never marry you and see how you feel about that. It’s not very flattering and he can leave at any time, so you should try to ensure if possible that you have the same choices. It will make you feel better and less trapped.

Ask him to sort out wills, if he leaves you anything over a certain amount, ask him about tax planning. You may find he isn’t intending to leave you anything, just everything to his children.

Everyone I know in this situation has been strung along for YEARS hoping their DPs would change their minds, then been dumped - it creates bitterness in the relationship and sourness, because men don’t want to marry women when they can’t see themselves with them for the rest of their lives. Someone better might come along and they want to be free to have their kids part time but not have to give up half their pension in a divorce battle. Without fail, these newly separated men throw themselves into the dating fray and are engaged within the year. They are happy to support their children financially but they’re not going to be splitting their hard earned assets for the ex they didn’t want to marry.

Well he's manoeuvred you into a very vulnerable position, but you've alsi been niaive to end up jobless with a child when you're not married. Is your money in the house protected and are you on the mortgage?

I'd be tempted to stay put, get him doing half of the childcare and housework whilst you study or get back into work. Then you'll be in a better position to leave, or stay on a secure footing.

@CharlotteMD OP hasn't mentioned any dissatisfaction with the relationship and arrangements in the years prior to the birth of her DC so can only assume unless she was happy with the status quo. I find it unusual for a relationship of this length that a discussion of each other's perspectives on Marriage hadn't at been raised. Doubly so when the OP became pregnant.

Can't offer any other advice than OP consider a couple of Options.

1. Break up try and force sale of house to reclaim assets.
2. Stay and hope he changes his mind down the line.
3. Stay, and accept that Marriage is not in the future, and hope that the Relationship remains secure.

Of course many,many people parent and remain in good relationships without Marriage, but my vibe is the OP is wanting financial security at least for her DC.

Me, I would wait for a proposal, but I'm not dependant on a high-earning partner with a young DC.

@CharlotteMD

• Should read I wouldn't wait around for a proposal.

Report him to the police on 101 OP!

Don’t leave yet.

Find a career you find interesting and start retraining for it.
Its easier if he’s around to do that’s so you can afford childcare.

Stat thinking about what you need to be able to live a comfortable life with your baby and make that happen. Do it and use the resources which are currently available to you go make it happen:

Time to put yourself first OP. In your shoes I would start looking for jobs or training courses and tell OH that you (together) will need to find other childcare and he will need to pay for it. Tell him you would be happy to be SAHM married but not unmarried as it leaves you vulnerable.

Just wondering, what happened in his previous relationship? Why does he have DSS full time?

Urgh, what a lying dick your DP is. But so often the way, in these waiting for proposal situations. It's such poor advice when people chime in telling posters to just wait, he's bound to be planning something great and you don't want to put him off, ruin it etc, when the woman has already spent years sleepwalking into a situation and the DP has had ample opportunity. There might be the odd one who isn't actually full of shit, but in the majority of cases they just don't want to get married and are using the dangled proposal as an excuse.

MarchDaffs

Totally agree. When I see people chiming in saying things like you need to let him do it or it’s sweet that he wants to make it “special” it gives me the rage. It’s the worst advice to give.

The awful cult of the proposal and all the tacky paraphernalia that goes with it has a lot to answer for. It reinforces the idea that everything has to be on the man’s terms and undermines the woman’s control. In a lot of cases it’s basically a fast track to financial abuse. I am gobsmacked by the number of people who still hold with this bullshit.

We should teach this in schools imho.

Just trying to play devils advocate for a moment....

OP, you say he has a son from a previous relationship. What happened there? Was he married? Maybe it was a tricky divorce, so he just hasn’t got the energy for marriage talk again just yet?

I don’t know really..., could it be that he’s not against the idea of marrying you at all, but he’s worried about the fuss and the cost, or he’s still reeling from the emotional / financial impact of a fairly recent divorce?

Thankyou everyone for your advice.

You know when you realise you've basically been a zombie for a long time and just gone along with everything, and you know some thing is up but you just think that's life and normal and that all relationships can be hard.

It's not normal to have to basically bully someone into marrying you is it. I said to him last night that one day someone out there will want to marry me, and I won't even have to ask him. He got v upset and is devastated at the thought or losing me apparently.

All I want to do is go down to town hall, and get bloody married. I don't want to spend thousands of pounds or plan a big thing. I just want to be married. He can't get his head around it and I'm so tired of trying to explain it to him.

My plan is to stay and try my best to become financially independent. DSS is like my own so leaving him would be horrific. He's had so much upheaval in his life and I won't put him through more.

I can't believe I've found myself in this position.

Zefi

This may or may not be true but none of it is the OP’s problem. She needs financial security for her and her child. If he’s had another kid with her he needs to step up and provide that.

Also he is an adult and perfectly capable of saying this to her if it is the case. Rather than wheeling out this old shit about wanting to make the proposal special. Which was blatantly untrue.

Just talk to each other and decide to get married

This! My husband never proposed to me, we just kind of decided!

Oh gosh I realise I have drip fed.

DP was married previously, and it was awful. He didn't want to get married as they were so unhappy but did anyway. She has severe mental health problems and social services removed DSS from her care into ours a year ago.

OP just read your updates. Would your DH be happier with a civil partnership? Gives you the same legal protection but may feel different? After all, it was important enough to the couple who took it to court.

OP you sound like you have your head screwed on.

Sorry it’s happened like this but you sound young enough and sensible enough that you have every chance of having a happy future either with someone else or on your own.

I think maybe you are right to use this next period to get your ducks in a row and focus on building some financial independence by going back to work. That should be your priority.

I think your concern for your DSS is a credit to you but it isn’t a reason for you to stay long term with someone who has no respect for you. This is on your DP.

Ah all that would stress me out too. Again playing devil's advocate ... maybe he's genuinely feeling a bit down if he thinks you just want to get married for practicalities. Perhaps try saying to him that it's both - practicalities and security, but also that you love him and want to be with him, think he's a great partner and dad and want him to be your husband etc (assuming all this is true).

If he's still stalling - then yes that's annoying! Good luck x

Op, regardless of what happens if I was you I'd start completing some qualifications via distance learning at home or going to night school. I can understand men wanting to protect their money but they can't expect to have it all, protection of money and a woman to raise their kids etc. What would the legalities be re your DSS if anything were to happen to your partner?

However valid or not his reasons for not wanting to marry are, the problem is the dishonesty.

He needs is a kick up the arse, to realise that he wants YOU more than he's scared about a second marriage going wrong.

Could you leave and go back to your parents, and build a new life for yourself from there? Let him see your child at weekends, or whenever he wants?

If you stay, he'll think you're ok with the lack of a wedding. He'll look at your actions (staying, ostensibly carrying on as before) and believe those more than your words.

And it's not you who is/would be disrupting your step child's stability. Your DP did that when he strung you along with that crap about a perfect proposal.