To not want to wait for a proposal

[rosieposies]

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

Yet another post where the man is making excuses not to get married, to protect his own position.
How do they all get away with it?

@AnuvvaMuvva I've told him I'm leaving him. I actually don't have anywhere to go, neither of my parents have the space for me and the baby.

He's got a big interview today for a job where he'll earn even more money. He text me saying it was out of order I wouldn't give him a kiss goodbye this morning and say good luck.

Take this opportunity to sort yourself financially. You know where you stand now so you can act accordingly.

It's his turn to take some of the responsibility for raising your dc so you can train and/or restart your career. Once you are financially stable you can then make the decision if you want to stay with someone who doesn't want to get married

He text me saying it was out of order I wouldn't give him a kiss goodbye this morning and say good luck

So he wants the emotional support of a spouse without actually making you a spouse, good thing the possible new job comes with more money as he will now need to pay for childcare for his older DC and maintenance for your DC.

I hope life improves for you soon OP, are there any training or back to education grants in your area, time to get life moving again.

What sort of thing would you be interested in now work wise OP?

Has your dp even thought about the fact that you are raising DSS and have no legal right to keep him if something happens to dp. Being married doesn't give you that automatically but it does put you in a much stronger position than just being his dad's girlfriend. I think if you are raising a child then you are entitled to have some legal protection for maintaining that relationship if life goes pear shaped.
It's massively selfish of your dp to put you in this position and offer you no legal protection. Especially when you factor in that his life is continuing without any risk but yours is much more precarious as a result of having dss and a new baby.
I honestly believe that a man who loves you would want to protect you, even when it means taking some risks financially. What he's saying at the moment is that protecting his money is more important than protecting you or dss.

I get that if you've had a bad marriage you might not want to risk it again, in which case he ought to have been honest from the start and you would have been making choices from an informed position. That he has lied, even after you first discussed this, is reprehensible. His attitude this morning shows that he just doesn't see anything from your pov.

OP you need to protect yourself and your child financial future. If your partner refuses to marry you then at least ask for his support and funding towards you becoming more independent. Seek further education and forge your own career.

You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. I hope things work out for you.

He's annoyed that you're not kidding him and supporting him because he thinks you're staying.

Have you asked your parents if you could stay there? Any feisty mum would take you in in this situation, I'd have thought? I would.

It is particularly shit that you've stepped fully into the role of mum to his eldest child, yet he still won't give you the security of getting married. Now you know how little he values having a mother for his son. I would say that to him too - along with 'you can't be "devastated" if going to the registry office is still too much to ask'.

*kissing! Not "kidding".

He won't believe you're going till you're gone. Is there a friend you could stay with?

He's got a big interview today for a job where he'll earn even more money. He text me saying it was out of order I wouldn't give him a kiss goodbye this morning and say good luck.

To which I hope you said that as he has been clear that he will not put your relationship n a legal footing which will make you less financially vulnerable, his earning capacity is of not great interest to you, because you need to focus on securing your own.

His unhappiness in a previous marriage is completely irrelevant. They were unhappy before they got married. Can he really not grasp that? As for it 'changing things' -- DH and I were together for 21 years before getting married purely for a practical reason, and I don't think either of us noticed we'd got married, apart from the fact that it's made some subsequent legal things much easier.

Has your dp even thought about the fact that you are raising DSS and have no legal right to keep him if something happens to dp. Being married doesn't give you that automatically but it does put you in a much stronger position than just being his dad's girlfriend.

And this, absolutely. Not that you should have to be pointing this out, or that he needs any reason other than securing you and your child financially to marry you.

The fact you'd already been waiting a year made it very clear he didn't wish to marry you op, I'm sorry. It does not take a year to propose. It wasn't clear in uour op when you said you didn't wish to wait you'd already been doing so for a year.

The thing about your statement your leaving, you need to follow through on this, you can't try to bully him into marrying you, and if you have no intention of leaving him, you shouldn't have said it. As you have no money, no job, no where to go, it would seem unlikely you're going anywhere any time soon.

Do you really wish to be married to someone who does not wish to be married to you? That seldom works. The resentment is going to be huge, either he resents you for forcing this, or you resent him for not marrying you,

He should have been honest with you. You had a child with him on the understanding he had committed to this. And he was lying.

OP, I bet if you go to leave him, he’ll probably propose on the spot.

I do agree you’re in a vulnerable position. I do think it’s probably more the case that he just hasn’t put himself in your shoes and seen things from yours perspective yet. He probably doesn’t realise how important this is to you. I don’t think it’s necessarily the case that he’s trying to manipulate you into a vulnerable position.

Sounds like you both have had a lot to contend with over recent years if his ex has had mental health issues leading to her son being removed and coming to live with you. Plus a new baby. He’s probably still reeling to some extent. Maybe he’s worried about the impact of all the changes on his son, inc the new baby and he wants things to settle before the “next thing” - ie a wedding? It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit to you, more that he isn’t feeling the impetus for a wedding right now, in the same way as you are.

Maybe write to him and tell him how you feel and it may hit home?

Did he explain why he lied to you about his great proposal idea instead of communicating with you and saying from the off he doesn’t want to get married?

Can you look at flats nearby and work out how much it would cost to move out so you know what you need to earn? 2 bed flats, he keeps his DSS and you all have regular contact? If he is a high earner then you will likely get £1400 ish in child support. You can look at other benefits and see what else you would be entitled to while you interview.

If you have said you’re leaving and you don’t, he will have even less respect for you. Unless you feel very steely, you will probably be persuaded to stay because it will feel easier in the short term. But while you are in the mood for leaving, do the research on where you can live, how you can get back into work and a life with your wonderful baby and a lot of potential.

It isn’t easy though. There are plenty of people saying leave him but up til yesterday you thought you were going to get an amazing proposal so it is easier said than done to just pack bags and go. Take time to process it and make good, healthy decisions for yourself and future happiness, and don’t think that if you don’t leave now, you can’t ever leave. You can plan to leave in 12 months / when you have £3000 in personal savings/ when you have a job / when your mum can offer emotional support and help etc.

Every decision you make can also be undone if you want.

After loads of back and forths he's txt me this

Can we draw a line. I do want to get married. I will ask you and let’s get married this year. But let’s also work on us

It just feels empty now. I just feel confused and I don't want to marry someone feeling like I've bullied them into it. It all just feels ruined.

The "loads of back and forths" shouldn't be happening. I know I sound horrible, lovely OP, but you need to be DIAMOND HARD now. You need to vanish. No texts, calls or physical presence. Couldn't you stay at your mum's just for a day?

The back and forth texting has made him feel stressed and annoyed, not motivated and inspired. Hence the grudging "we will get married this year" concession is quickly followed by the "let's work on us". Which would really annoy me, frankly. Why do you have to promise to work on the relationship when he's lied to your face about proposing for over a year?

Rosie - if you’ve had a traumatic relationship, you can be left feeling kind of numb.
I don’t think he’s been “lying” to you or stringing you along necessarily. He just wants to get to a place psychologically where he’s feeling the impetus, if that makes sense.
Many (most) men feel they should propose and I don’t think this is actually a crime, as some would have you believe on here. He wants it to be special for you, but also he wants it to be genuine for him. I’m sure he loves you very much, but if he feels like a shell it can be hard to galvanise into action.
People will say I’m making excuses and maybe I am, but clearly a lot has gone on for him in recent years and consequently you too, so I think people need to look at the wider picture.

I will ask you and let’s get married this year

So still on the long finger then, why can he not just say let's set a date for this September if you need this to feel I am committed and to offer you security as you raise my DC? Just another carrot to dangle with the added up your game warning of "let’s also work on us" to keep you on your toes.

Well he can’t really propose over a text can he and I don’t think this is the right time today, in the midst of an argument. That would feel very forced and hollow.

I do agree however, that the line “let’s work on us” is highly annoying, because there is no need to tag that onto “let’s get married this year..,”

OP I can totally understand how you must feel. I don’t know, maybe he’ll pull something out the bag? I think he needs to really.

I will ask you and let’s get married this year

After all this, he still thinks you have to wait for him to propose. For fuck's sake - he still thinks he's in charge!

So still on the long finger then, why can he not just say let's set a date for this September if you need this to feel I am committed and to offer you security as you raise my DC? Just another carrot to dangle with the added up your game warning of "let’s also work on us" to keep you on your toes.

This, and also everything @AnuvvaMuvva said. Point out to him that you don't want a proposal. Tell him it's a dumb patriarchal hangover and makes less than zero sense when you've been in a committed relationship for years and have a child together, and you've both agreed to get married.

His desire to make some dimwit 'romantic' gesture is beside the point, and he's been using this desire for a 'grand gesture' - one you've been clear about not wanting -- to postpone something that will put you and your child in a safer position. It's as stupid as saying you'll make an appointment in a year's time to set a date for a needed surgery, when you could do it now.

Leave, he has hurt you very much and I don't think you should just take it. Perhaps keep the door open to talking , prioritsing what is best for dc and dsc.

He has an awful lot to think about. He needs to understand why he thought it was ok to lie to you. That is for him to address.

Saying he still wants to propose sounds like him saying to himself (and you) that that was what he intended all along. Obviously you're not fooled, he might still be trying to kid himself though

Well he can’t really propose over a text can he

The OP has been clear that she doesn't want a proposal at all, so there's absolutely no reason why he shouldn't say 'Let's look at dates later tonight?' in a text. This is not a 'romantic' situation, this is two people in a longterm relationship with a child and stepchild, one of whom is withholding financial security from the other.

But how can they just “decide” to get married now, on the back of all this, because it would just seem really forced.

And it’s no point telling the OP to just “leave now today” because she had a baby and another child to think about and nowhere to go How is that helpful?

OP, I think all you can do now is give this some breathing space. I understand totally why you’re feeling hurt and vulnerable. Maybe put a time limit on it, for your sanity, but you don’t need to tell him. You can decide this. You can decide on your steps if it doesn’t happen.

At least he knows how you feel now and can be in no doubt.

Maybe he’ll take you on holiday or something or make some kind of gesture and then you’ll be able to draw a line under all this? I hope so.