To not want to wait for a proposal

[rosieposies]

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

Maybe he’ll take you on holiday or something

OP would be better served to invest any holiday money in a training course to get back to employment and financial independence so she has good options going forward. A sun tan will fade and she will still be in the same scenario with a bloke dragging his feet all while expecting her to carry on as before. Placating her is of no value to her long term future.

It's easy to say leave but honestly I sit and think about the situation you're in.

You have zero concise security. You have no claim to a child I'm assuming you've bonded with. You will need to try to juggle training, job hunting and working around paying for full time childcare.

Was he wrong. Absolutely.
But I'd be weighing this all up. I don't want to be flippant but even if you do end up divorcing after a few years at least you've got more security.

But how can they just “decide” to get married now, on the back of all this, because it would just seem really forced

Not a situation of the OP's making, and she needs to concentrate on protecting herself and her child, rather than worrying about romantic guff and whether Mr Grand Gesture Proposal is really feeling it.

I didn't want to marry my husband, despite adoring him -- it was entirely for practical reasons, and done in a spirit of 'Oh, for fuck's sake, let's get it out of the way'. It hasn't prevented us from being very happy for getting on for 30 years.

In my opinion marriage is something you need to be 100% on board with and I don't think he is. I think he's caught between losing you and something telling him this isn't a good idea. The reality is there is no risk to the OP in any of this but all on him. I don't blame him being careful, 50% of marriages fail.

You’re too good for him frankly.

You’re a person who sacrificed her own personal income, earning potential, financial security and pension to raise HIS son for him, a child that isn’t even yours, as well as raise your baby with him. That’s a big deal and very kind of you, if a little foolish!

He meanwhile is unwilling to make any “sacrifices“ that may impact him financially. You clearly care more for him than he cares for you. What kind of person stands by and watches the person they are meant to love, make these sacrifices for you, and not offer them any kind of security in return?

Well time to be as selfish as he is if you decide to stay. You need to get back to work, or start charging him the going rate for childcare for his son. That may sound cold, but so is what he’s done, and he shouldn’t get the benefits of marriage from you, and his son doesn’t need to know you had this conversation. Or, tell him you will be going back to work full time, (even if you don’t want to, you need to make him believe you mean it) so he will need to arrange and pay for childcare for his son, and also pay for half the childcare costs for his baby. You will also not be covering any sick days, pick ups etc for his son, as you’re not his step mother and not willing to damage your career to help him parent anymore.

The reality is there is no risk to the OP in any of this but all on him. I don't blame him being careful, 50% of marriages fail.

That's because the OP has already taken all the risks! She's had a child without being married to him, she has stepped away from work, she is presumably doing most of the day to day care of her DP's child, a child she has no legal ties to at all, and who would be removed from her care were anything to happen to him. And if the DP dropped dead tomorrow, what would the OP be entitled to, on foot of the massive financial compromises she has made on his behalf?

She's taken the risks, and is in a very vulnerable position. Now he doesn't want to.

The reality is there is no risk to the OP in any of this but all on him

So it’s not a risk to raise someone else’s child at the detriment of your own finances, knowing that your partner could withdraw all financial support at any point?! Bollocks!

Although he's now offering you what you wanted, just please be sure it's not a stalling device or simply that he would suddenly have to pay maintenance and find alternative child care arrangements and domestic help. Make sure that you have face-to-face in-depth discussions about you future wants, needs and expectations. Have you discussed your child's future education, your duel responsibilities parenting.

She was fully aware she wasn't married when she had a child and from what she said she agreed to look after the kids also what sort of job would she have , with no qualifications , that would yield such a massive financial compromise ?. Nobody forced her to do anything.

I'm saying he carries the risk if they get married.

Over a year? Bollocks to that. He’s stalling.

I agree, he doesn't want to get married.

He's had more than enough time to propose.

Charlotte, she also thought she was in a relationship with a man who genuinely loved her and would give her legal protection. It's very easy to believe that and sleepwalk into a situation, only discovering later that things weren't exactly as you assumed

50% of marriages dont fail. Closer to 40%, in the UK. I don't find this a particularly important consideration myself, especially when it's presented without any examination of the figure for cohabitants, but if you're going to bring it up to try and defend him at least get it right.

And if he didn't want a situation where one party carried all the risk, it was open to him not to enter into a situation where a woman he wasn't married to gave up work to care for his children.

He wants her to carry on taking all the risk, so he can take none. That's not fair.
Also he is benefitting from the freedom to career build without having to do or pay for any childcare during his working day.
I wonder how that lovely new job is going to pan out when he breaks it to them that he has to leave on time to get to the childminder or take time off during school holidays or when the DC are unwell.
It's much easier to progress at work when he doesn't have to do any of that.

Don't have children with someone who feeds you this shit about how he needs to be the one to propose.

Add to this:

• if you want marriage, then do NOT have a baby with the 'partner' without that first (oh, but contraceptive failure! You use two forms of contraception, this works). Still pregnant? You move out and tell him you'll be co-parenting whilst living separately as you don't wish to be in a family unit with someone without marriage.

• never become financially independent on a 'partner'. No giving up work or going PT or 'compressed' hours to enable him to carry on as normal.

• you have to wait till I propose guys - RUN. This person doesn't want open communication and team work in a mature, committed relationship, they want power imbalance where they control the strings of how the relationship progresses and for you to say 'how high?' when they say 'jump'. It's a stalling technique.

-'what's the rush?' guys - financial vulnerability, co-parenting, etc are a rush. See no. 1. When you start bringing kids into it and expect another person to compromise their earning to provide childcare, you don't get the option to coast along and see what happens.

I'm afraid you've painted yourself into a tight corner here, OP. I really hope you can start looking after your own best interests and stop putting him and sadly, a child he can end your contact with immediately, before you own financial security and interests.

He wants to 'draw a line' under it so you continue to enable him to have the easy life. It's a stalling tactic. He was dishonest with you, but you fell for it.

You can either chunter a long and do what you can to shore things up financially or make a break now.

His 'I will ask you' and 'we'll get married later' is bollocks.

He's now saying that the proposal will be in the next few months and he has compromised and come down from 'when we've had all of our children and start a new chapter' to 'sometime next year'

It just feels hollow and really quite depressing.

He's a wonderful father and generally a loving and supportive partner. I'm just so desperately sad I've had to talk him into marrying me.

This all reminds me of when I was 9 months pregnant and we went away for a weekend for our anniversary. I got him a card and wrote loads of stuff in it about how excited I was about our baby and our future. He got me nothing.

He's an idiot.

Do I want to spend my life begging someone to appreciate me. It's so degrading.

So send a counter offer.

Next week at the council.

She was fully aware she wasn't married when she had a child and from what she said she agreed to look after the kids also what sort of job would she have , with no qualifications , that would yield such a massive financial compromise ?. Nobody forced her to do anything

Absolutely, OP made some foolish choices which she is being impacted by, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep making them. HE meanwhile lied to her and let her damage her finances to look after HIS child - are those the actions of a loving partner? If she now wants to demand marriage so that she is protected, then good for her. If he says no, then he also stands to lose his free childcare, cleaner and cook and will actually have to step up and parent his child. So he stands to lose either way, which frankly, is only fair.

Oh and by the way, I have no qualifications but earn 40k basic, work from home and get to travel the world with my job. I also have a pension and private health care. No qualifications doesn’t mean minimum wage dead end jobs these days.

If he's got the energy to make more children he's got the energy to marry you.

Do you have a job and some security? Who owns the house?

Urgh. Have you spelled out to him, you don't want a proposal ever and you want to begin making arrangements now?

The whole idea of a proposal is antiquated and slightly ridiculous in my opinion. It also disempowers women. You have both agreed you want to be married. Job done. Explain to him its a nice thought that he wants to make this gesture but it really isnt what you want

“He's now saying that the proposal will be in the next few months and he has compromised and come down from 'when we've had all of our children and start a new chapter' to 'sometime next year'”

So he’s saying he will propose in the next few months and then actually get married “sometime next year” (ie 2021)?

Does he actually comprehend you don’t want a big wedding and could just go to the registry? Just trying to work out why he sees the need for a year’s delay? Does he himself want more of a big deal wedding? Maybe he thinks this is the only way it can be done?

Basically, he’s being a fool here actually and stealing his own thunder. What is the point of giving a timescale that you’ll propose in?

I hope it’s not him that’s using the word “compromised” either. Why should he make you feel like he’s compromising?

Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here - he may feel as if all this has suddenly come out of nowhere and he’s being cornered. Previously, maybe he assumed you weren’t too bothered or on the same page as him?

So this conflict could be a positive if it’s a wake up call to him, at least.

But the correct thing to say now, in the circumstances, would be something along the lines of, “Please give me a chance to make this up to you. ...” NOT throwing out phrases such as “compromise.”

@MarchDaffs I really don't know how many more times I can tell him I don't want to be proposed to. It's the last thing I text him AGAIN and I'm waiting for a reply.

@AngelsSins that gives me hope. Can I ask what you do?

DP is not a horrible person, otherwise I would not have had a baby with him. I honestly can't figure out what the problem is here. Why are so many men so afraid of marriage? What is the issue?

I watch all our friends around us getting married and living 'normal' lives and I just think, why the hell don't I deserve that. What is so awful about getting married? I can't wrap my head around it, and maybe if I can we can sort this out.

He's now saying that the proposal will be in the next few months and he has compromised and come down from 'when we've had all of our children and start a new chapter' to 'sometime next year'

Get out of that house! Even just grab your stuff, take the baby and go to a Premier Inn. Don't answer your phone. He NEEDS to come home to an empty house today because he's a cocky staller who thinks you'll never leave him because you don't have your own money/freedom/plans.

He needs a fright. Stop texting him, start packing.

I don't think I'd want to marry him now anyway. You deserve a man who wants to marry you, not one you have to drag into it.