To not want to wait for a proposal

[rosieposies]

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

AngelsSins The twins were 5 years old when i suggested it and she was a teacher so she could have gone straight back at virtually the same salary. When the kids were about 12 she decided she wanted a divorce ( I never got an answer why ) but the girls elected to stay with me . She died in a road accident on the A-397 coast road in southern Spain. Nobody knows what she was doing in Spain or where she was going.

The sod is loving having his cake and eating it.

All the benefits of a traditional housewife with none of the legal or financial obligations he'd have to a wife.

The best of both worlds for him and the worst for you.

It is very unwise to expend your time and energy on helping a man to increase his assets (looking after both DC, the house, laundry, shopping etc) without any legal right to share in those assets.

You need to start spending your time on developing your ability to earn, and transferring the responsibility for childcare and house management onto him).

And check your rights to the house, and have a conversation about wills and life insurance.

It's a tough situation OP but not hopeless. At least you've woken up to this now, rather than 10 years and a few more DCs down the line.

So you sunk your money in his (yours? Joint owned?) House and looked after his child and have no financial independence.... and he is putting off being legally tied to you.
Something says he doesn't want that legal tie. Not now not ever .
Do you have access to his money as a family ? What do you live off?

We are both on a joint mortgage for the house. All of my money is tied up in it.

We live solely on his wage.

Do you share the money where he sends you an amount each month or do you have a joint account?

The reason I’m asking is really to ask if you can put money aside from a set amount each month and build a savings cushion without being cut off, or are you on one account where he would see £300 cash being withdrawn and wonder what it was for?

When I was a SAHM we never had a joint account, DH sent me £1500 for spends on pay day to my account and more if I needed it. I didn’t want a joint account because I didn’t want him seeing how I spent money.

Essentially, if you packed a bag and decided to go away for the weekend, can you find your card being declined?

He sounds like he’s fine with money OP and this is a positive. I was just worried he was one of these who won’t share money or expects you to find your own maternity (there seems to be one a week on here)!

I hope when things calm down, he’ll understand that this is important to you and do something about it. Hopefully he’ll propose soon and you’ll look back on all this and laugh.

fund not find!

You're all right - all I've done is text him all day and shown i'm not really leaving, which now makes me look a complete tit and I've lost the upper hand completely because i've essentially just thrown my toys out of the pram.

I wouldn't focus on that. Most of us here, married or not, have had a melt-down in front of our other half. It means nothing.

I read a tip once for when you feel you've made a twat of yourself with a bloke: picture a car who just fell off a wall. Does it panic, stammer, try to explain why it fell off? Does it scrabble around trying to regain its coolness? Does it talk about it? Nope. It just gets up and carries on like NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. Be the cat now. Don't sit down for yet another talk.

He definitely knows where you stand now! So if he doesn't produce a ring in the next month or so, he really REALLY doesn't want to.

The thing about his ex proposing to him is telling. He obviously just isn't someone who wants to be married. Not with her and apparently not with you. It's not your fault, it's nothing you've done - he's just not into the whole concept. I'd feel relieved that his ex had to drag him up the aisle. At least he wasn't proposing to every other woman on earth, except you.

His view of marriage is not a judgement on you.

So you've had a hissy fit. Draw a line. But take steps to disengage. Actual steps. Don't say "Well, this was a close call and I think I should get a job sometime soon," but then get so sucked back into all the chores and childcare you do for him your daily life that it all slides away. You have to harness how you feel NOW. And take ACTION.

The first thing you could do - and I really would do it, because it will change how you think - is buy and read this bookk*. It's the very best "build a backbone" book I've EVER read. And your situation is in there. She tells you what to do.

You are awesome.

He hates marriage. Not you. Marriage.

I don't know what will happen, but I know you'll be ok because you are lovable, kind, generous, warm-hearted and probably absolutely gorgeous too. You will be fine, with him or without him.

Picture a CAT 🐱 that fell off a wall! 😆 Not a car 🚙

🙃🙈

It’s not bloody romantic if you’ve been living together for 6 years and have 2 children Just get it done for the legal protection. Don’t pretend it’s about romance.

@rosieposies

How are you op?

I've been meaning to update @KatherineJaneway

We had a long drive to a rugby match DSS was in recently and it gave us a really good opportunity to chat.

OH apologised for becoming complacent in our relationship. His DF passed away 18 months ago and he has been struggling alot more than he had been letting on, he's going to look for some counselling to help him cope.

Also, whilst I thought I'd been offering him every mans dream of a quick and easy wedding where we just pop down the registry office, he actually really hates this idea and wants to do something 'special'.

We've agreed we'll be getting married this year, he still wants to 'propose' and do things 'properly' but whatever at least I have my answer now and I can start planning. He'd like September as that's his parents wedding anniversary.

He is a proper shit communicator I think it all comes down to that really.

Anyone know how to plan a wedding with a baby. HELP.

@rosieposies

Really pleased things are moving forwards for you. Can't help with the wedding planning I'm afraid but good luck.

Great outcome!!

Seriously how is this a great outcome? The OP started the thread telling us that he planned to propose in the future with something "special" even though they have a child, she doesn't want this type of thing and would be happy to just pop down the registry office and get married. Now the conclusion after a big talk is that he will propose in the future and do things "properly".

Nothing has happened here, he is still just placating her telling her what she wants to hear, no date is set and he has added the emotional manipulating of wanting it around his DP wedding date, he still hasn't set a date or actually listened to what the OP wants, which is security for her and DC. Nothing has changed.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with chuckles. I'm not saying his unresolved grief isn't real, but it is... a conveniently timed revelation. I agree that postponing the wedding to a "sentimental" date is manipulative, and whilst I don't begrudge him wanting a fancier ceremony than the registry office, the fact that he is still insisting on doing a "proper" proposal is disrespectful at this point, given how clear the OP has been that it isn't what she wants. It's a clever move in my opinion - it's still delaying things, it's still all on his terms, but now he has an emotional stick to beat you with if you try to push him again ("I just need more time to deal with my grief, you pressuring me is making my grief worse"). Can I also hazard a guess that the conversation where he revealed all this involved you apologising for "not realising what was really going on" and feeling bad/guilty for "not having been more supportive"? Take care OP, until the date is set and the invites are sent out, its still just more promises.

The insistence on the proper proposal is dodgy. If the plans start immediately, he fully engages and does his ever so important big question within the next few weeks I'd overlook it, but not otherwise. Make sure it's not a fobbing off or buying time attempt OP. Start including him in plans now.

Also OP, if he wants a "special" wedding rather than a "quick and easy" one, then he can do the donkeys work on it. The whole point of doing things your way is so that you dont end up asking people on MN "how do I plan a wedding whilst juggling a young baby?" Dont end up doing all the heavy lifting for a day you don't even want, while he makes high demands but doesn't lift a finger. I don't usually care about women spending all their time planning weddings while the groom does nothing because generally they are the only one who wants all that fuss, but in this case he's got some nerve if he expects you to suddenly become a full time party planner for his dream wedding day while he does fuck all.

I don't know OP, this guy doesn't sound great. Are you sure you actually want to marry him?

Glad this is where you're at op. Being a single mum with no career is not easy and it sounds as tho venting on here and reading the more supportive responses has helped you sort your head out. Good luck x

I still think it's a good outcome and not to let MN goad you into creating a massive row when you both appear to be on the same page! Obviously he needs to keep his side of the bargain tho - and yes help with the wedding planning.

We discussed getting married when I was pregnant

I said I was happy to just decide to get married and that be that but he said he wanted to do it traditionally and propose with a ring, so I left it.

He proposed on Christmas Day.
Which was lovely and special, but he really made a big deal about how he wanted to do something special and individual.

We only had a few hours that morning before we were heading off to visit family for Christmas Day and i didn’t even get around to mentioning we were engaged until later in the day when someone noticed the ring as there was so much going on.

He seemed hurt by that but I don’t think he really thought it through. Thinking that the day would be all about us announcing we were engaged but really it was all about food and the nieces and nephews excited about all their new presents

I also found out that his brother had got engaged on Christmas Day 2 years previously so it just felt a bit copy cat and the next at when I received messages from 3 other friends who all got engaged on the same day as us it really took the shine off it and I thought back to feeling like just agreeing to get married would have been the best way

Update

To book my wedding without a decree absolute http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3826537-to-book-my-wedding-without-a-decree-absolute

Jeez is that why he was dragging his feet?!