To not want to wait for a proposal

[rosieposies]

Me and OH have been together for 6 years, we have dd10 months and DSS7 who lives with us full time.

Since having the baby I've floated the idea of getting married. I'm not a 'romantic' person, and the thought of waiting on a proposal makes me 🤢 for me it would literally be about us going to town hall and having a very low key thing and then dinner at a pub afterwards with our nearest and dearest.

OH is up for getting married, however I am to wait until he has proposed. He says he's got an idea and he knows me well and what I'd hate. This is just making me feel really anxious as I'm just kind of waiting around (control freak over here).

He's not a controlling person, I think he thinks he's doing something really nice, but honestly I hate it.

AIBU and weird about this? Should I just be waiting?

OP it comes down to money and power and right now he has both. Get yourself a job and start planning to leave. You are incredibly vulnerable in this situation and he's lied to your face, I just couldn't trust someone again if they did that to me. He lied about one of the biggest decisions in your life and he is still stringing you along. You deserve better.

Well it's not rocket science. You said his ExW was seriously unstable and I'm assuming he got screwed over.
So if something went so horrifically wrong the first time why would he jump to do it again?

The reality is you need to lay it out.
But you're the one with more to lose.

People don't listen to our words, but ONLY our actions.

He doesn't see you're on the verge of dumping him; he sees that you're spending your day texting him.

He doesn't see that you're planning on leaving; he sees that you're trying to work this out with him, understand him, marry him, etc. Hence he thinks he can still string you along with promises.

If you really still want to be there when he gets home, you need some action to prove you're not putting up with this. Like, completely detaching. If he doesn't want to marry you, that's 100% fine. But you're not going to stay with someone who doesn't want to marry you. Which is also 100% fine.

Live like friendly, impersonal flatmate, stop doting on him, stop looking after him, stop having long talllllllks with him, and start taking MASSIVE ACTION to find a job and a place to live.

My hue arch the film He's Just Not That Into You and do everything Jennifer Anniston's character does when she's in this exact position.

Could you suggest that you register a civil partnership (will take 28 days) and then if and when he proposes you can convert it to a marriage (and then have a party and a dress and make promises and whatever you fancy).

See what excuses he comes up with

*Watch! Not that jumble of crap! 😆

I'm just nagging you now so I'm going to go. Good luck. Be strong. He needs you more than you need him in all the important ways.

Another one in the ‘stop texting, start packing’ camp.

Use your anger.

Yanbu. You’ve got two options:

(1) Explain to him that you would like to be married and that the moment for a surprise romantic proposal has passed - years ago. Emphasise that you feel really upset not to be married and that obviously he doesn’t know you as well as he thinks he does because he doesn’t get that you no longer want a formal proposal, you want a wedding, asap.

Or:
(2) propose to him in some over the top romantic way, possibly involving the children, that he either has to say yes to or be an arsehole. This is a leap year - Feb 29th is the traditional day for women to propose...

OP ignore the people saying leave. That happens on every relationship thread in AIBU. Obviously leaving would be a massive overreaction and just make things worse.

Try not to feel too down. You’re in a really, really, common situation. Most couples I know the woman had to “put her foot down” about wanting to get married before the guy ‘proposed’ a few months later.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to marry you, it just means he’s comfortable as things are and a bit lazy about changing things.

OP ignore the people saying leave. That happens on every relationship thread in AIBU. Obviously leaving would be a massive overreaction and just make things worse.

Try not to feel too down. You’re in a really, really, common situation. Most couples I know the woman had to “put her foot down” about wanting to get married before the guy ‘proposed’ a few months later.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to marry you, it just means he’s comfortable as things are and a bit lazy about changing things.

I have to say I agree with this! Of course there's the possibility that he's scheming and manipulative ... but the above explanation seems more likely!

I think it’s all very well saying “just sit him down and decide to get married,” but, in this context now as things stand, this will feel very unsatisfactory because both are feeling defensive and there’s no point pretending otherwise. The OP will feel she’s forced him; he will feel like he’s been denied the chance to propose. It won’t work.

OP, you might not have needed / wanted a proposal before, but I think you do now, because he needs to demonstrate his attitude has shifted. This is the only way forward from here.

Also, I think there are some men who can’t really comprehend that they are engaged unless they’ve proposed, got the ring accepted etc, A “conversation” is meaningless to them and will only ever be a preamble, if that makes sense?

I think my DH felt like this because he proposed in a given place that he’d planned on one knee and a whole speech and he’d asked my dad etc (which I know is considered horrendous in MN, but there it is). I mean to say, if we’d had a conversation beforehand and agreed we wanted to get married, it would have been all well and good but regardless of this, he would still have felt he needed to propose and give me a ring to be engaged, otherwise nothing would have actually changed.

Maybe your DH feels the same?

Plus he has history and baggage around this and maybe he feels that if he proposed to his previous wife and got her a ring, he needs to do the same for you?

Just trying to see the positives and a way you could both move forward..,,

Did you know you can now have a civil partnership instead of a marriage? Became an option just before Christmas I believe. I'd tell him you don't want to get married because it is a sexist tradition, but you do want a legal partnership, and suggest this. It does feel patronising to have to wait for a proposal you don't want.

I honestly can't figure out what the problem is here. Why are so many men so afraid of marriage? What is the issue

Divorce is the issue. Divorce can be a nasty business and considering national statistics , half the number of your friends currently getting married will end in the divorce court plus divorce can, and frequently does, ruin a man financially.

Does it - ruin men financially (genuine question)?

LatentPhase yep, seen it first hand , my brother for one. He lived in a converted shipping container for 2 years. His ExW then moved 250 miles away ( sanctioned legally ) effectively preventing any contact. He works in Afghanistan now, as part of the UK/US security initiative , he says he prefers it to the shit he had to endure. Guy I work with too, he lives in a scabby flat despite being in the top 5% earning bracket. Sad.

*So send a counter offer.

Next week at the council.*

^^ THIS. You've already given up a lot, and he doesn't recognise your sacrifices at all. Take back some control.

If you don't want to leave, and I think that's a tough decision, then have you considered going to counselling together?

It doesn't sound as though he's abusive, more thoughtless and selfish. Perhaps a third party could help you both work out what you want?

Men get “hit” financially because they’re happy for their wives to take all the financial hits during the marriage. If a man is a SAHD, he doesn’t get financially “ruined” does he? They can’t have it both ways.

OP, my job is a little niche, but it’s a type of recruitment, can give more details if you PM me. Please do start prioritising yourself and your own security more, you may think he’s a lovely man, but he is protecting his finances by not marrying you.

Thank you very much everyone, this has really helped me get my head straight and everyone has made really good points.

@zefi thinking about it, he didn't propose to her, she said to him lets get married and he agreed. She had the ring already. Maybe he wants to do it differently this time. I don't know. Maybe he wants to feel in control this time. If that's the case then I suppose I have no choice but to relinquish control and let him do what he wants.

@Skysblue erm that's amazing and made me laugh alot. He would NEVER expect it. I could organise one of those awful (but equally amazing) flash dances in the centre of our very large city and come out at the end with the kids.

You're all right - all I've done is text him all day and shown i'm not really leaving, which now makes me look a complete tit and I've lost the upper hand completely because i've essentially just thrown my toys out of the pram.

I need to suck it all up, calm down, and disengage. I also need to seriously look at retraining in something because this is scary. Even if by some miracle we do end up getting married and its not tinged horrendously by the fact I've dragged him to the town hall, I'm seriously fucked if anything happens in the future and I've not got my own life to fall back on.

Thank you @AnuvvaMuvva. I'm going to withdraw. It'll either go two ways, he'll suddenly realise he does want to get married and pull his head out of his arse, or he'll stay the same and I will need to really think about where we're heading.

At the moment I'm just hurt and feel embarrassed and a bit hopeless.

Looks like he needed a nanny for his first child.

AngelsSins ... I tried everything to get my wife to go back to work and split the childcare costs 50/50 but she flatly refused, got incredibly shitty about it too. She said it was my job to provide for the family and never paid a penny towards the mortgage , utility bills, maintenance or insurance. Where was her financial hit in all that then ?.

”I'm going to withdraw. It'll either go two ways, he'll suddenly realise he does want to get married and pull his head out of his arse, or he'll stay the same and I will need to really think about where we're heading.”

Yes exactly OP. Good for you. You have made yourself crystal clear now, but you can’t drag him to the registry. The ball is In his court now frankly, to convince you he truly wants to do this.

And don’t be embarrassed. Why should you? You are a mum to a young baby, plus you have taken his child as your own.

I hope you at least have joint finances?

I tried everything to get my wife to go back to work and split the childcare costs 50/50 but she flatly refused, got incredibly shitty about it too. She said it was my job to provide for the family and never paid a penny towards the mortgage , utility bills, maintenance or insurance. Where was her financial hit in all that then

What’s that got to do with anything? That’s like saying well I know a man who didn’t get “ruined” financially in a divorce, the woman did....so what? That doesn’t change other people’s situations.

Out of interest, how long was your wife out of work raising the kids before you decided she needed to get back to work and pay childcare 50/50? My bet is she wouldn’t have been able to earn what she could had she not taken any time out, so right there is her financial hit.

OP I think you’re right: you need to use this time to focus on finding a job.

Whether or not your relationship can be revived or not is a separate point.

He is missing the point railing about having to be “bullied” into marriage. It’s all about him and his feelings and his timing of the sodding proposal.

You need to make it clear you are now on a journey towards your own financial independence. Through his refusal to engage with your need for security he has lost the right for his feelings to be taken into account. Work on getting to the point where you don’t need marriage and can move out and support yourself. And ignore his distraction tactics.