To wonder how some women have it sooo easy...

[Elderflowerasusualthxs]

Aibu? Or just jealous? I don't know but how did they make it?
Such an easy life! Cleaners, gardeners. Huge countryside houses and sometimes second homes by the sea.
A caring and loving husband, good looking and wealthy. No need to work for the rest of their lives. Kids privately educated. Enjoying wonderful holidays in different places and cultures and so on...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?! I met a pair of them last year by chance through my son's extra curricular activities.
So many of us don't have it like that and I know life can be challenging and unfair at times but they seem to have it all.
Can I have the recipe please? Thank you.

I don't believe in luck or in "landing" good husband's. There is hability to choose well your partner and usually good planning. These women might be at home but you don't know how much input they had on their husbands success. I am not even close to being rich but some decisions I've made in the past helped us as a couple to now have a very stable financial situation. Still I am his "career adviser", I decide about investments, etc. So we are a suited financially. I have a reasonably good job although I wouldn't call it a career because kids are still a priority. My point is I don't understand why you blame you DH alone for your lack of financial success.

@amispeakingenglish

"we don't have to think of what might be happening behind closed doors, that's just another way of trying to soften the blow!! Everything is probably fine, some do have charmed lives, not earned, (why should that be a prerequisite?) Just by luck."

I totally agree! Hence my" jealousy" (more like curiosity and observation on life tbh) and why I was asking for the secret or the recipe when I started this thread...

@SummerPavillion so sorry about your loss Summer... and you put a smile on my face if this thread has help you or someone else. It has been a great eye opener for me. All the best and take care xx

Best words I ever heard

It's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but if you must be miserable, it's better to be rich and miserable than poor and miserable

The fact is though op that if you didn't know where I lived you wouldn't mark me out as one of the soooooo very lucky. Day to day I wear modest clothes, drive a modest car and have few outward signs of wealth.

Whilst we have a lovely home in France, and a few gites alongside it, we also have a clapped out Picasso down there, DH is unspeakably scruffy away from work and does things like mending fences and watering and speaks French to the sooooo lucky gitettes with a nod and lift of his hat. They zoom in in their Beemers with Bodenesque children and bray a little. It gives me a quiver of pleasure when I see the penny drop as they realise we are the owners. The scruffy, threadbare old coves who they assumed were the local maintenance team.

If it makes you feel better, OP, the mums you envy a little bit will probably feel like losers compared to their 'friends'. My DH and I are very lucky to belong to the top 1% earners. But the gap between the people at the bottom of that 1% and the people they work for and socialize with will be much, much greater than say the gap between a nurse and teacher couple who are middle earners and dh and me. Someone with a nice 5 bedroom detached house with large gardens will feel self conscious when their child's friend's parents pop up who live in a mansion. A nice holiday cottage in Cornwall will feel poky in comparison to their bosses private Caribbean island. A nice 4x4 says 'looser' if your best mate from school now has his own private jet. The more affluent we get, the more we are surrounded by people who have not 500000 but millions or even billions more. And of course, their life seems more rewarding, more easy. Comparison kills happiness. While objectively life gets better with more money, my experience is that the subjective feeling of having less (and the accompanying mix of envy, self-doubt and curiosity and a pinch of sadness) gets rather stronger.

better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I don't believe if you have enough money to pay all your bills (which is a real stresser) and lots of extras, holiday home etc..... hobbies... you have a right to even claim to be miserable, this is another example of the things people less say to make themselves feel better about being poor, I know I would rather have money and not worry about it even if I was a bit miserable though about what, money equals FREEDOM so long as like Ontheroses, you don't always want more and there is a great book I bought in France in the 80s that illustrates that based on people watching from a famous bar in St Tropez, Senequier?? Its a cartoon book. Give me rich person problems any day

with less

I've met these people occasionally when out walking my dog - I always walk away thinking how I have been told so much about a person's wealth in such a short conversation, why did they feel it was needed to basically tell me their bank balance.
Dh comes home from catching up with a client or colleague at the pub and he tells me about all their latest purchases - extra houses, cars, holidays and their view on private school and I ask him - why he feels they needed to tell you all about their acquisitions and it's a weird thing - dh not the boastful type didn't initially notice that a lot of the people he works with are like this - it's clear from their job that they are well paid but somehow that's never enough.
No idea if they are happy but they sure like everyone to know how much money they have.

I think there is a huge problem with inequality in the Uk which is only going to get worse given our declining productivity levels and weak economy. The people the OP refers to however are a small minority although seem to be overly represented on mumsnet.

I guess that's another debate! but I would like to know what's your real opinion when...

A) Women legally married (wife) with a wealthy man
B) Women living together (partner) with a wealthy man but they have kids

I know people in one or the other situation but for the sake of your future security and that of your children I'm sure marriage beats partnership and if people want the rights of married couples, then get married.
Would you be willing to accept to be the partner of a wealthy man if they don't want to marry? I know some mums living long term with partners, who won’t get married for various reasons and I respect it but I think is a mistake. Just another point of view....

@NellyBarney, completely agree. However much money you have there is always somebody you will know with more.

"If you want nothing, you have everything".

Whereshallwemoveto
Has it completely spot on.

I used my brain in combination with my heart, when choosing a life partner and father for my kids.

I was university educated, a home owner and had a professional career and socialised with similar people.

I dated more successful people but my heart wasn't in it. I dated one or two people that I could have fallen for as there was a lot of sexual attraction, but my head told me that they weren't successful enough or I wouldn't have been able to be completely myself and therefore not their equal.

I used both my head and heart to make my choice. My dh earns the money but we were and still are, equals in every respect.

My friend's sister married a banker and they are loaded. She's a SAHM and they still had a live-in nanny. They live in a beautiful 5-bed home in a great part of London, holiday home in one of the priciest parts of Cornwall and a massive house (11 bedrooms, plus "staff annexe") in SW France. They fly to Cornwall, because the drive is "too long" and have at least 2 cars at each property they own.

I once asked my friend what her sister does all day."Lunch, shopping* and beauty treatments, mostly", she replied.

What a vapid, shallow, pointless bloody life that is.

*Needless to say, the shopping isn't popping into Asda, or even Waitrose (the housekeeper sorts all that), it's Kings Road and Harvey Nicks.

Lakie - that might not be the life you would choose, but I don’t think it’s fair of you to call her life “vapid” or “pointless.” You have no idea really. Are you out there doing selfless acts 24/7?

Through part of my work I often deal with women similar to how you describe. I can think of one with a 'perfect' life, 4 beautiful overachieving kids, massive house with a pool, tennis court, stables, nannies, housekeeper, gardeners. Husband who is devilishly handsome and the ultimate provider, has her dripping in jewelry after every work trip. Second home abroad.

Honestly I've always dreaded her appointments due to my own jealousy.

Until one appointment, we were discussing a city break destination that I was going to with a few friends and she was telling me where to visit. She was amazed my OH was happy for me to go away for 2 nights, she confided in me that her DH didn't like her to go anywhere with friends, he had control of all their finances and she had to text him for permission before every purchase. He would monitor her movements with a tracker app on her phone as well.

She's told me she won't ever leave him, despite being massively unhappy and knowing his behaviour is abusive. He's threatened to pull the children out of private school if she does and made it clear she won't get a penny of his money or the house as it's all hidden.

You never know what's going off behind closed doors. The idea I was jealous of her because of her material possessions seems ridiculous now.

What a depressing point of view OP. I'm sorry you're so unhappy

That sounds awful @Elderflowerasusualthxs

It must be hard to be trophy wife. I'm specifically talking about a 'trophy' wife here and not a typical stay at home mother. They'd be a pressure to look beautiful, young, thin, whatever and the worry that you'd be replaced by a 'younger model'.

I don’t think it’s fair of you to call her life “vapid” or “pointless.”
Oh come on! That description is basically the definition of vapid and pointless.

If I had more money I’d be very happy

I’m a single (divorced if it matters) parent to 2, work ft in a professional job but really would like more money! Don’t really want it to come from my ex or from another man, I just want to be paid more in my job!

^^ but keep the same job with no more hours. Tbh this should be the case l!

“Oh come on! That description is basically the definition of vapid and pointless.”

Er ... no it’s not How do you know about this woman, her outlook, her motivations or her state of mind? You don’t.

Maybe she reads and educates herself about all kinds of things that she wouldn’t have gone to otherwise? Maybe she appreciates living in the moment? Maybe she doesn’t need to compare herself to anyone else? Maybe being a mum is enough for her and her main motivation in life? Maybe she knows how privileged she is to be able to have a different focus in life and not define herself by a job title? Everyone is far more than a job title, however much store they may put in it. Maybe this woman just has a deeper awareness of this and is self-motivated to find her own structure and purpose in life. So what if she pops into Harvey Nics? Hardly the crime of the century.

Also, not all women who don’t work and appear to “have it all” have controlling DHs either. This is a myth. Why should they, any more than any other demographic of women?

Time not gone!

77 Thank you. Writing off another human being because of what you think you see on the outside is the very definition of small mindedness and bigotry,

I once heard someone say, if you marry for money, you'll have to earn every penny of it and I believe that.

My ex was due to inherit a lot of money, and he knew it. He was a complete arsehole, selfish and narcissistic, making me believe he was better than I was yet refusing to acknowledge for a second I was his equal.

I'm not saying all wealthy, or those who have delusions of wealth are arsehole. Just the ones I know!

I can't think of anything worse than being a lady who lunches! I am a respected professional in a career I love, a mum to a fab DC and my husband is a king amongst men, and awesome father. I'd take that any day above more money.