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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how some women have it sooo easy...

518 replies

Elderflowerasusualthxs · 04/02/2020 01:31

Aibu? Or just jealous? I don't know but how did they make it?
Such an easy life! Cleaners, gardeners. Huge countryside houses and sometimes second homes by the sea.
A caring and loving husband, good looking and wealthy. No need to work for the rest of their lives. Kids privately educated. Enjoying wonderful holidays in different places and cultures and so on...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?! I met a pair of them last year by chance through my son's extra curricular activities.
So many of us don't have it like that and I know life can be challenging and unfair at times but they seem to have it all.
Can I have the recipe please? Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elderflowerasusualthxs · 04/02/2020 02:50

@PyongyangKipperbang Sorry about your friend... That's really sad. I hope she is truly happy now.

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 04/02/2020 03:04

Most women who have a life of relative luxury have a career that they love.

Nobody has it all. If they did there would be far less marriage break ups and the rich are not immune from those.

Guineapigbridge · 04/02/2020 03:08

Self confidence and the ability to pick a good man go quite far. Intelligence and the ability to forge a career go further. The really 'lucky' ones combine that with a work ethic, a sense of style and a dirty sense of humour.

knowmenclature · 04/02/2020 03:30

They're look plain looking like me tbh .. still for some reason seems like they made it.

Thats really not a pleasant thing to say, or reasonable!

You can't really be saying that plain woman somehow shouldn't make it

If your only measure of making it is money, it's not.

The money can help, but surely a happiness in day to day life is what matters? Thats a balance of so many things. Your own health, dcs health, extended family's health, your work, career.

Why is it good to be married to a rich man necessarily? If you didn't have money to match what a power imbalance, what control moght you have of your own money or independence and sense of self, opportunities to shine in your own right with your own profile and acknowledge and validation.

Is your illness making you slide into sexism?

I hope its just a passing bug and accompanying low moment and that you'll be back on your feet feeling a bit more feminist and balanced soon.

Ponoka7 · 04/02/2020 03:43

@Beerincomechampagnetastes, the OP strikes, me as just musing, not bitter or bitchy. You on the other hand, fit your own description.

Justnamechangedforthis · 04/02/2020 03:43

I've got five houses and so much money that I don't need to work ... and a beloved partner who is very ill, and will most probably end up in a wheelchair before too long. I'd rather be poor and have the love of my life healthy. Don't judge the lives of others, OP - you have no idea of the problems in the lives of others.

agonyauntie2020 · 04/02/2020 03:45

"They're look plain looking like me tbh .. still for some reason seems like they made it."

OP I'm just going to say it again, "made it" to a heck of a lot of happy and fulfilled women does not mean married to someone rich.

Having a good marriage yes, but never having to work again, why would that make every woman happy?

I wonder about these sexist tropes you're coming out with. Plain looking women don't deserve what these women have? There's so much messed up about that.

I worry about your sense of self-worth. I'm sorry I really don't mean that to sound like I am having a go, I'm not. I just wish you were able to see yourself as an independent and potentially fulfilled and happy person without thinking a man and never working again is the answer to your life. Although having typed that now I'm thinking who am I to judge? Feminism is about the right to choose what you want for your life. In which case, maybe a different approach is needed.

The Desiderata (1927 poem) says "If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself”

I hope that helps. It's obvious you are unhappy. Sorry.

knowmenclature · 04/02/2020 03:51

I'm so sorry namechange thats exactly the sort of thing I mean.

Some things are just beyond precious in life and of such more substance than money.

I hope it doesn't sound crass to say that you can at least be sure he does have tue best care and comforts you and money can give him through his illness. It's some comfort hopefully to know you can help so much, just by being available for him and paying for additional comforts as needed.

Its never the same on the outside looking in as it is on the inside looking out.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 04/02/2020 03:57

ponoka HmmGrin

chesterpester · 04/02/2020 04:03

Well your being unreasonable on one hand because there really aren't a lot of men who are wealthy, good looking & loving around.

However some women do prize money above other things, their choice.

The4thSandersonSister · 04/02/2020 04:04

Your envious of the surface life you can see. Even if these women have no care or worries, wonderful friends and family, are hale and hearty and have many advantages due to wealth why do you begrudge and judge them?

The fact you take their looks into consideration as your measure of their worthiness to their lifestyle.

Shev1996 · 04/02/2020 04:09

Frankly OP your envy, bitterness and judgement alone explain why you are unhappy in your life. Maybe if you change this you may find some peace

chesterpester · 04/02/2020 04:14

I personally wouldn't be attracted to someone who didn't have similar values to me. So I wanted someone who was ambitious, hardworking & with prospects. These are things I expect of myself too & if a partner ticks those boxes & they are nice & I fancy them then great. They don't need to be millionaires though but these are my standards & expectations. Everyone is different.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2020 04:21

I'm nearly seventy and live in one small room and my life is pretty close to bliss, but I wonder why some women have such hard lives.

A lot of people live in chronic pain or have to work in shit jobs. One lady I know lost one son to cancer last year and another was murdered a couple of weeks ago.

knowmenclature · 04/02/2020 04:29

Oh good god coyoacan how awful! Just, beyond understanding how to learn to live with that and deal with the grief, either tragedy.

Lovely to hear you describe yours as blissful!

If you can share, to what do you ascribe this blissful state? You presumably have everything you need in one room, and enough money to eat and heat, and get out involved in the community, everything seems to cost!

I've often wondered where your name is from when I've seen it too?

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 04/02/2020 04:31

There are always people richer than you. Some worked for it and some didn't. There are always people worse off too. Whatever life you have, someone out there is dreaming of what you've got and wishing they could be like you.

Shaminon · 04/02/2020 04:36

Focus on your own life and the positives op. This other way of thinking madness lies.

kateandme · 04/02/2020 05:13

ther is so much more going on op but i get it.when you have nothing material it can still be fucking tough.though its not mean to mean much.it does help.money always helps.but there is the line,where you could be rich but with a sick child.you could be rich and severely depressed or have bpd.you could have an abusive husband that is financially cruel and keeping you under his boot.
but of course there could be those woman who are really happy.and have landed like youv sai on their feet.but if this was your mum or a dear friend or even your child wouldnt you be so hppy for them or at least at peace for them.that they are finally safe and well and happy.
so its jealousy yes but that can be such a horrid word.its more a yearning for something.a yearning for a little ease in your own situation.and thats really hard when comparisons then come.
we all do it.those without ache for something better until it hurts.and it can be painful to see those who have.
try and fcus on anything you hve op.the little things for you are something to appreciate.whether it be a new flower in your garden or a meal youve made for £5 that delicious.
comparison is really the thief of joy.
i like to be happy for them.really happy that someone has less pain than me and is happy.that there is one less person going though horridble stuff in their life.
but again you dont know whats coming or whats going on.or there past.they could have come from abuse and all sorts.

kateandme · 04/02/2020 05:14

Coyoacan aww i love that.im so glad your happy.

MaggieAndHopey · 04/02/2020 05:15

Financially speaking, most of us in the West are privileged beyond imagination, from the perspective of 99% of the rest of the world's population. Why not concentrate on what you're grateful for, rather than what you don't have. I'm sure these women have their problems too.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/02/2020 05:20

My mother knew somebody like this once, their bloody garden shed was bigger than the average 4 bedroom house. On the surface it looked like they had everything. Seriously big property, pool, posh cars, posh holidays, hell he was even planning a helicopter pad in his garden.

Hmmm, what happened next? The recession (1990s one) happened. Pretty much overnight it was all gone. Big house and posh cars replaced by a 2 bed flat in a dodgy area and a rusty old Renault 19 for a car.

On the surface many of these have it all, but often it's a precarious existence.

JorisBonson · 04/02/2020 05:29

@Elderflowerasusualthxs

"Landed" these men? You say it like it's some sort of competition, rather than 2 people being in love.

Perhaps it's your blatant bitterness that keeps these nice men at bay.

HulksPurplePanties · 04/02/2020 05:29

Those lucky women are the ones that landed financially secure, stable men.

So your standard of success is landing a rich man. Here's a thought OP, educate yourself, work hard, get a career and make your own money.

I have most of the things you describe because I EARNED IT.

Wallywobbles · 04/02/2020 05:33

I always have said to myself in such situations but would you actually want to be them. You can't just have the easy life you have to be them with all it entails.

HelgaHere1 · 04/02/2020 05:38

But you don't actually know that apart from the money these men are nice. They could be selfish, manipulative, workaholic, alcoholic, disinterested - they have an 'easy' life compared to many but where is their satisfaction and sense of achievement coming from?
In the 70s women who were housewives were all taking valium supposedly.
Some have it easy because they are selfish and don't burden themselves with putting others first.

Anyhow it is how it is. I can understand your feelings. Nothing unusual in feeling envy - ignore the snipers.