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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do all dad's not cope with their children?

482 replies

Dizzynic101 · 03/02/2020 10:29

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

OP posts:
GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 09:01

@Elbeagle

I rarely have social discussions with my patients because I don't have the time and it would border on unprofessional.

I don't think you're hysterical, I think you're unfamiliar with having your assertions challenged and that makes you hostile.

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 09:02

My ex was like this, he was great at playing the fun dad. But when it came to actually doing stuff with the children he just couldn’t get his head around it. When I had DS I used to walk in to him playing his PlayStation with DS left alone on the floor with no toys

YasssKween · 04/02/2020 09:03

Either revise it or keep your contribution to private message.

Your tone really is so unbelievably patronising. You're not marking homework, so don't tell me what to do on a public forum.

I absolutely don't want to private message you, what an odd thing to suggest.

Oh and I'm sure everyone else understood exactly what I meant.

Have a good day at work, dear!

Yesterdayforgotten · 04/02/2020 09:06

@GEEpEe how do you have time to be on here and secondly why would you want to be? Either you have dc and feel like a man scorned by his wife or ex, you don't have dc and feel bitter by a possible relationship breakdown or you are looking to meet somebody which maybe why you mention dating apps alot and suggest a pp private message you, Hmm

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 09:07

I'm not at work. I'm not dear to you. If you want me to acknowledge your contribution and respond to it, then it has to make sense. Yours does not. If you're happy to bleat away while I ignore you like a C grade high school student, then have at it.

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 09:09

I don't think you're hysterical, I think you're unfamiliar with having your assertions challenged and that makes you hostile

What, all women? Or just me?
I was about to respond that my pre child career in corporate law means that I am more than used to having my assumptions challenged, but what’s the point? You are MAN.
You do realise, however, that challenging people’s assertions doesn’t actually mean you are automatically right? I believe you are wrong. Your opinion is no more valid than mine.

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 09:10

I have time to be on here at the moment because I recently had quite major reconstructive surgery for repeated pilonidal cysts and a pilonidal sinus. My wife kindly booked annual leave and took our children to her parents so I can recover in bed with the assistance of takeaway delivery apps between visits to the GP to have my arse packed.

My wife suggested Mumsnet would keep me occupied between Netflix releases. She was right.

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 09:11

@Elbeagle

Just you. My wife is a woman and would.never behave as you do. That's why we are married!

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 09:12

That feeling is entirely reciprocated... one thing we can agree on Smile.

YasssKween · 04/02/2020 09:13

If you want me to acknowledge your contribution and respond to it, then it has to make sense.

I think you are assuming I am bothered whether you either acknowledge or respond.

Happily, I don't care either way.

Have fun bleating!

I absolutely don't want you to private message me just to be clear.

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 09:14

Although I am intrigued as to exactly what behaviour I’ve displayed that your wife would never do. Challenge your opinion? Be a SAHM? Be a SAHM who expects their full time working husband to parent his children?

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 09:16

My wife would never humiliate herself by continually misrepresenting someone's post in a forum, arguing about academic facts or generally displaying a lack of reading comprehension. She also wouldn't behave with such hostility when her argument was challenged. That's why I respect her.

Yesterdayforgotten · 04/02/2020 09:21

@GEEpEe I don't believe you, l apologise if you really are the person you describe but my spidey senses arent usually wrong. I highly doubt a doctor with a family recovering during a rare bit of time off would waste his time.

Also who ever you may be if you're looking for something to do maybe check out The Stranger on Netflix, it's a good British series.

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 09:21

Ah good, thank you for the clarification so that I can work on myself going forward. My new motto... what would GEEpEes wife do?
Thankfully, reading your posts makes me want to go and thank my DH for not being an insufferably smug twat.
Enjoy your day Smile

Naomh · 04/02/2020 09:21

My wife kindly booked annual leave and took our children to her parents so I can recover in bed with the assistance of takeaway delivery apps between visits to the GP to have my arse packed

I don't think it's your arse you should be getting packed, @GEEpEe.

Elbeagle · 04/02/2020 09:22

Ps sorry MNHQ Blush

CalishataFolkart · 04/02/2020 09:24

@GEEpEe Assuming that when the abusive relationship first started he wasn’t waving a big red flag and twirling his moustache, how the hell can she be blamed for choosing a wrong ‘un?

I take your point about clear communication of expectations when a couple is deciding whether to have children, but who goes into a new relationship with the conversation, “By the way darling, are you planning on turning into an abusive monster? Are you being charming at the moment but will drop the mask as soon as I am pregnant? Will you systematically cut me off from my support system by couching it in terms of love and concern, when really you are isolating me?”

The example of your friend willingly “playing the game” is not the same as a woman being abused.

Laying ANY responsibility on her in this circumstance is an appalling thing to do.

Lweji · 04/02/2020 09:40

@GEEpEe

Most men aren't abusive.
Most men aren't incapable.

The question is why is it that so many men are unwilling?
Because they hold the view that house work and child work is beneath them. It's a woman's job.
That's not inate.
And it's men's responsibility to step up. Not for women to train them.
Then don't be surprised when wives get fed up and kick them out.

I do wonder why your wife felt the need to take off with the kids while you recover. Why was it that they were the ones who had to move out?

FairyDogMother11 · 04/02/2020 09:43

No, my DH loves being a dad, our DD is only 2 weeks old and he looks after her for a chunk of the day or evening whilst I sleep, in addition to doing more than his fair share of housework. He had never had anything to do with babies before she came along and he just gets on with it, because he is her dad! He would never dream of waking me up to say she needs settling, or if I went out texting me. Your kids dad is trying to control you. He's perfectly capable so don't let him tell you otherwise.

GEEpEe · 04/02/2020 09:52

@Lweji

Because I need to pretty much lay on my front for a few weeks while it heals and attend our local GP for packing every day or 2. With 2 young kids clambering over their daddy who is usually on hand for their needs, it isn't likely to heal as well as it could. It's my third operation on it. Obviously my supreme manliness means I'm hairy and hairy people are more likely to get this sort of problem.

I agree that many men hold that view even if they conceal it. My question is why women marry them and have kids with them knowing their views. Do you not think there is some onus on the adult to screen their partner beforehand? Or you think women are incapable of waiting until they find someone who is decent? I'm not sure of your argument here.

CalishataFolkart · 04/02/2020 10:11

@GEEpEe

It’s just so exhausting.

You entered this discussion with the argument that if a couple want the benefit of the husband’s big salary then the wife has to accept he won’t be doing as much child care so won’t be as good at it, if capable at all. So she has to deal with it. Even if she has a job as well. Even when you were given lots of examples of working fathers who do effectively parent their children. Even when it was pointed out that women also have to learn from scratch. Even when the example of a teenage babysitter was given as someone who can look after a child effectively for three hours.

Then it’s up to women to screen their partners. Her responsibility again.

Women should wait until they meet someone decent. Her responsibility again.

Women should raise their standards, women should change their expectations to accommodate men, or basically put up and shut up because... it’s their responsibility. Again.

I get a fair bit of what you are saying, but in the wider context of life in general, it’s just knackering to be told that a man’s shortcomings are a woman’s responsibility. Again.

I hope your arse is better soon.

D4rwin · 04/02/2020 10:17

He needs to figure it out. My ex is still of the opinion he "can't cope" with two together.
What is the point of him? He's just a manipulative lazy brat. You and your children could probably upgrade simply by leaving him and hiring a nanny.

Naomh · 04/02/2020 10:29

I hope your arse is better soon.

Yes, so you can stop talking misogynistic shite out of it.

NameChangeNugget · 04/02/2020 10:31

I wish men were more honest.

A lot of them, if push comes to shove would not have children if the decision was down to them.

YouDoYou18 · 04/02/2020 10:42

I have a slightly different view of this... my husband is an amazing dad and is so good with our children.. but when I went out a few months ago he text me asking me to come home early because he couldn’t cope.. he was so so apologetic and it took him a few days to stop feeling like a failure! I also have days where I feel like I can’t cope, the only difference being I don’t have an out because he’s at work. I’ve texted him once before because our toddler was just non stop crying and then our baby decided to join in, once they’d been crying non stop for 45 minutes together I decided it was time for a rescue text and got him home from the pub! I’m definitely not saying it’s fair, because it annoys me too, but I also don’t think they do it on purpose at all, they’re just not used to looking after the children alone and kind of panic when things go a bit wrong!

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