Do all dad's not cope with their children?

[Dizzynic101]

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

Nope my exh couldn't cope. Nor did my father. My brother has four kids and he copes just fine. Of My two closest friends one husband copes well and enjoys his alone time with his 3 kids and one husband doesn't. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Depends entirely on the person I suppose.

@Berrymuch

Women could simply not have children with men who don't share views of equality. However, very few actually nail down some agreements before conception. They wait and have kids with someone who is obviously entrenched in traditional gender roles and then complain when he doesn't change.

Maybe be a mixture of more picky and more thorough to make sure you've got a good'un.

I agree that men SHOULD be like this but most aren't and the reality is that women still flock around them. If your husband doesn't contribute to the household and childcare, when does your partner selection come into question?
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Or maybe we could just stop blaming women for everything, and expect men to step up and parent the children they chose to create?

Or maybe don't gamble by seeing if you've got one of those after you've conceived a child as they shouldn't be an experiment? I don't know. Seems better to me than to wait until you're stressed and your parenting ability compromised.

I think some people are so desperate to be wanted by anyone that they are scared to actually find out if they are truly compatible for the long term and whether they are basically decent. If they don't hitch up with the first guy that is open to commitment, nobody will ever want them in their minds so they avoid the tough questions.

not normal, or ok. my DH might not look after our kids to my standards in terms of cleanliness and nutrition (that's another post!) but he can certainly look after them!

Is that troll hunting someone because they challenge your arguments? Very mature.

If you want someone to be an active parent, you need to recruit someone up for that. Social history is a thing...

Blaming women for not picking decent men instead of blaming men for not being decent

I blame anyone who fails to pick a decent partner.

One of my friends married someone who threw a massive tantrum (mid twenties) because their parents helped out their sister financially when she left an abusive relationship but wouldn't make it equal by gifting her the same amount. Now years later and he is struggling with her demanding and unreasonable behaviour around money and assets, I absolutely blame him. He had all the signs from way before they were engaged and chose to see them in a positive or neutral light. Now she's got him over a barrel. No sympathy. He wanted a beautiful wife and he's got one. He will just never have much money or freedom to.pusue his own goals.

There was a thread on here last month discussing why so many useless men manage to get women to procreate with them.

It's not always a case of being able to recruit someone who is definitely up for being an active parent. Accidents happen, people change or don't reveal their true selves until it is too late.

I think it is because people often misjudge what they will value. So yes, when you meet someone and date and move towards marriage or settling down, you do want someone who is a good earner with a job with prospects because you want the house and the car and all that. But as you transition to parents, you want someone who can make that transition with you by adapting their values or putting in extra work to achieve both. It becomes more important to have someone who will get up at night with the baby than a CEO or general money bags.

Maybe it would be better to prioritise other values like ideas of parenthood over earning potential earlier on so maybe have those things as "musts" and "secure job" as a strong preference. That way, you could focus on your own career and earning potential while still being mostly assured that your partner will take a fair share of the parenting and house responsibilities. You can also adapt to a less affluent lifestyle but with someone who will actually muck in with the kids and housework.
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GEEpEe maybe before conception the man should actually think whether he is competent of being a good father...it takes two as the saying goes

No, it's because you are not listening. Plenty of men are 'decent' before having children. If they turn out not to be, it's not the womans fault. It's actually quite worrying if you are in fact a GP.

Also nobody has a crystal ball to see exactly how their other half will he, people can change after dc. I find your comments extremely naive.

I’ve only read a few pages in f this so far so forgive me if I’m repeating but yes I think this is quite common TBH. I think the reasons for it can range from being a form of controlling behaviour, right through the mother ‘taking charge’ and not letting the father do very much, and down to the dad just being a lazy arse.

If there is one piece of advice I give anyone who is having a baby, it’s to ensure that from day 1, everyone is clear that the child is the equal responsibility of both parents. The dad isn’t doing you a favour if they change a nappy, or ‘take over’ whilst you go for a nap or a shit or whatever. They are not babysitting if they are looking after their own children. Both parents need sleep so both contribute to night times etc etc.

Of course SAHP’s shoulder the majority of the day to day burden but that is quite different.

Many people would feel someone who takes a backseat but provides is a perfectly good father.

I understand that you're prone to categorise women as helpless victims but they are capable of deciding whether they want to prioritise someone who wants to be an active parent over someone who shares their love of rock climbing, for example. Go and look on a dating site and see how many profiles specify what hobbies they'd like their future spouse to enjoy but not what qualities they'd like them to have as co-parent to their much wanted future kids.

This is why people end up in relationships which just don't work for anyone involved..

You can't tell whether a childless man will step up to parenting duties unless you ask him for his general views on the matter and then specifically in relation to you and them.

If a guy has never washed a plate or put on a load of laundry for the house before kids, he's not going to be changing nappies or sterilising bottles. That's a.pretty safe bet.

@GEEpEe Out of interest, the woman you mentioned who was in an abusive relationship - do you blame her for her poor choice of partner?

'If a guy has never washed a plate or put on a load of laundry for the house before kids, he's not going to be changing nappies or sterilising bottles. That's a.pretty safe bet.'

You see thats where you're wrong. My dh didnt do those things as he lived in a household where his dm would do everything and prevent others from pitching in. After dc he will do dishes, laundry and change nappies when needed. We have a toddler and a baby and a couple of nights ago he cooked mu dinner and brought it up on a tray.
The truth is people change through life and with time for all sorts of reasons. It really isn't so simple as to say you can predict your entire future with somebody before dc. Yes some qualities are evident but definitely not all.

There is no point trying to reason with GEEpEe. He is a man, and a GP. Therefore automatically superior to us hysterical masses of women.
My last words to you GEEpEe are that I hope you don’t speak to your patients in the manner that you have spoken to us on here. But I rather suspect you do.
Speaking of which, your surgery must have been quiet the past day or two?

I understand that you're prone to categorise women as helpless victims but they are capable of deciding whether they want to prioritise someone who wants to be an active parent over someone who shares their love of rock climbing, for example.

Pesky women eh, forcing you to explain to them what they are capable of. Ever so good of you.

@calishatafolkhart

Some women I've known have had a pretty good idea what their partner was like before they settled down. I think they are responsible for making a poor choice yes but that doesn't excuse the behaviour of the other. Just like the fact my friend knew his partner was very money oriented before they settled down doesn't excuse her irresponsible actions with money. But yes, he was a willing player in their game.

@YasssKween

Sorry your post makes no sense whatsoever. Either revise it or keep your contribution to private message. Thanks.

I think most can but some take the easy option . My ex didn’t do a lot of childcare when we lived together but he seems to handle two kids fine now so obviously could do it .