Do all dad's not cope with their children?

[Dizzynic101]

I have 2 year and 4 month old girls, I went out Saturday night, leaving my partner, my kids dad, with the kids for 3 hours. I went out for dinner and a few drinks, he text me most of the night saying I needed to go home because the kids wouldn't settle, were being naughty, wouldn't stop crying. It made me feel so guilty for leaving them, but I just needed a little bit of a break. He tells me he can't cope looking after the kids on his own. We had a huge argument yesterday because I've told him he being extremely unreasonable, I never go out and leave him with the kids. I've told him he needs to get over himself and deal with it, they are his kids too, somehow he turns it around on me and I end up feeling sorry for him! I've tried explaining to him how it makes me feel. He just doesn't listen.
I don't think going out for a few hours and leaving the children with their dad is a bad thing. He is also upset because he read my text message to my friend calling him a shithead for his behaviour on Saturday night. Now he's upset with me. I feel guilty for that too.

I wasnt saying she should do it! But i think he needs to understand that no one if born knowing what to do. It is normal to find it hard but that's the only way you get better at it. He needs more practise and more times when he is regularly on his own with them without someone to fall back on.

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@GEEpEe comparing your niece to the children’s own actual children is laughable.

*own actual father

Not really. Some fathers probably have as much quality contact with their children as she does with ours.

It's amazing how so many adults can learn new skills, learn to 'cope' with all sorts, arise to challenges in their work/professional lives but when it comes to tasks they don't care to do/feel it's the SAHP's remit entirely/drudgery they'd rather not they suddenly becomes incapable.

Not really. Some fathers probably have as much quality contact with their children as she does with ours.

But she's not their parent, she has no responsibility for them and she's a child herself.
Any father who is not capable of looking after their own children for a few hours is completely irresponsible. What would happen if, god forbid, something were to happen to the OP? Her kids would be left in the sole care of a man who can't even cope for an evening.

Your niece lives with you and sees the children daily does she @GEEpEe ? She feels partly responsible for their life because she made them?

At best, it’s a stretch and makes a huge assumption about the OP’s partner. But then you seem to be making massive assumptions about his feelings, their family life set up and his career anyway, so sure, go off.

That's why just a generation or two ago it was quite typical for children to be raised by other family members or even in care than be raised by a sole Male parent.

My grandfather grew up with his cousin for those reasons. I think his cousin was about eight when his mum died and he "naturally" went to live with his biological uncle and his wife (my grandparents) because his mum wasn't around any more.

I'd argue that it is only in this generation that would be an uncommon or surprising outcome.

I think its best if you hire a babysitter until your little ones are 2 and 4 for example
What??????! No, no way. Their dad should do his job and look after his own children.

@RedRed9

Some of my Male friends do not see their children daily because of work. Others do not spend any quality time with them which could be considered parenting on a daily basis even if they see them. That happens for a short time most weekends which is about as often as my niece sees her cousins.

So fucking what? This is 2020. This is a person who CBAd with his kids.

I think its best if you hire a babysitter until your little ones are 2 and 4 for example

OMFG

You’d rather leave your children with some total random off the street than with their own father? That is pretty damning.

And then go off on holiday and leave your child(ren) with someone who might not be able to cope. Yeah, that'll show 'em! That's sarcasm by the way. That's an irresponsible and horrendous idea.

But every single day hospitals release vulnerable newborn babies into the care of women without any reason to believe they have the experience to cope. THEY COPE BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO AND BECAUSE THEY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

I am rather impressed by the people who think it is dangerous to risk a grown man in charge of his own children, but would be quite happy with a babysitter. Where do most babysitter get experience if not by taking on babysitting jobs?

Also, re this primary carer thing. My db was a SAHP while his wife worked full time. Does that mean it would have been irresponsible of him to expect his wife to look after her own children for an evening- after all, she hadn't had the same chances to get used to them?

How would we judge a woman who refuses to deal with her own children on the plea that she works in the day and consequently can't be expected to have got to know them? Hands up everybody who would find that perfectly normal and acceptable!

I know dozens of Dads. All of them parent their kids really well. Two of them are single parents! My DCs father was the stay at home parent for four years while I worked full time. Your situation isn't normal or ok.

@corythatwas

I know from midwives that they are often terrified for some of the babies they discharge from the hospital.

Either way, I wouldn't leave my children with someone who I knew they wouldn't settle with, even if it was their mum.

Please don’t engage further with @GeePEe, whose role in life seems to be being the tiresome reactionary du jour on several threads.

GEEPeeeeeeeeeee are you actually Carl Kennedy from 'Neighbours'?

Naomh youdid t get the memo. He's a MAN and a DOCTOR which means he's an EXPERT in EVERYTHING.

Honestly can’t picture a world in which DW constantly rings me while I’m out for a few hours to say she can’t cope with our own kids.

@MrsTerryPratchett, yes, it reminds me rather of the time when a first year medical student began to lecture a bunch of my friends on their menstrual cycle at a party. Because he’d had a lecture on it that day. Bless.

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Tell him to man the fuck up and get on with it.
That it’s taken you a while to get the hang of it and you can give him some tips, but that, like all things in life, the only way to get better at something is to practice.
And you will be out every second Saturday night from now on so he’s better start practising as parenting is tiring and he’s gotten away with it thus far and needs to give you some time off now.
You could help him by saying “ask your dad” more when he’s around so he gets used to questions and you can help him work out what the answer should be ie child asks for another biscuit, you say ask your father, while telling him child has had three already and may well be sick on the carpet if another is consumed. Answer of ‘no’ is duly given by father. Job done. Show him how easy it is to ignore the crying so he learns.

Honestly, fathers these days. The 1950s rang, they want all the jobshy ones (when it comes to the most important job of parenting) back...

If being the operative word.

And they shouldn't be let off the hook or allowed to use it as an excuse to get out of putting in any effort.

However, there is an obvious disadvantage in that the SAHP becomes the sole primary carer and the other isn't tuned in enough to the children to reasonably meet their needs for long periods

My friend is a SAHM, married to a top academic. As soon as he walks in the door he takes over with the children.