Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

[Milosunshine]

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

He's abusive, and it will get worse.

You don't deserve to be treated like this, please leave before he does you any further damage. It took a black eye after years of mounting abuse (including pushing, yelling, throwing things, gaslighting) for my sister to leave. Her black eye healed, but I doubt the emotional scars will ever totally go. Please speak out and leave him, OP.

He absolutely can control it, because he doesn't go around hitting his boss or staff or customers or random policemen. You are fair game to him, which makes him a spineless abusive coward.

You need to leave him, especially if you want children in the future. You cannot bring a baby into an abusive household and abusive behaviour usually gets worse once you bring children into the situation. Will he still expect you to get up at 5am to make his breakfast and lunch after you’ve been up all night with a newborn? Something tells me he will still want you to put his needs first.

I suggest you ask Mumsnet to move this thread to the relationships board where you will get a lot more good advice from some very wise women with a lot of experience of escaping abusive relationships.

You need to leave him. When someone loves you they do not want to belittle or hurt you. He will escalate. Don’t bring a child into an abusive family.

I had a ex like that. If he hit me, it was my fault, or his dad's, for hitting his mum when he was growing up, or because Capricorn was in Aries rising, or because of SAD, or pressure from work, or, or, or, or...

NOTHING was ever his fault. My friends and family thought the sun shone out of his arse, because that's what I led them to believe. I stayed in that relationship for 10 years. It was my fault when he split my head open - I made him do that too.

Don't waste time you'll never get back on someone who doesn't appreciate you. You can have, and are worth, so much more than this.

He isn’t going to change, but I suspect you think you can change him, because you’re fooling yourself into thinking he can ‘control’ it. It’s you he’s controlling.

If you stay, ALL you are doing is confirming to him that his behaviour is acceptable to you. He already knows that, which is why you’ve somehow become his domestic servant who is mocked for being tired and gaslit for suggesting basic boundaries.

It’s already too late, but it sounds like you’re in denial.

You’ve had a lot of great advice here, the fact you posted suggests that you know it’s wrong.. Putting yourself through years more of this is one thing, very sad.. But choosing to bring a child in this situation is utterly deplorable - don’t do that.

I am only repeating what everyone else has said, but sometimes you need to hear something multiple times before you really hear it.

He is abusing you. He is turning you into a victim. If you have children with him the abuse will escalate, it will damage even more people (your children), and it will be even more difficult for you to leave.

He is not a lovely person with good qualities. He will not change. You cannot save him from himself, all you can do is save yourself from him.

I am sorry for your loss .

Wow he is being abusive. You really should consider leaving him.

You'll be much happier after you have left him OP. Believe us. We've been there. You will. If you stay it will get worse.
Make plans to leave now please.

Don't end up like his mum then FFS! Get out now while you have no kids!

Can you stay with your mum this evening to give yourself some breathing space away from him?

i cant believe you made a post about his pillow throwing o_0

Like that is the problem, the problem is you obviously dont see how badly abusive your partner is.

This is not okay!

DH and I can both be a bit snappy when tired but we have never physically or mentally abused each other which he is doing to you!

It doesn't matter that it was a pillow? What will it be next?

If I'm up before DH or he is before me, we make each other a coffee/tea in our flasks etc but you are not his servant!

Get out now before he leaves you feeling totally worthless, what a pig.

Send him another text saying “your things will be waiting outside for you when you get home, I have changed the locks”.

He sounds like a controlling twat, he should be making you breakfast as he’s the one that has to get up first. You should not be running around after him, you work too.

Get out now:
Call the police on 101 none emergency and tell them what's happened. Show them the texts he's sent you re throwing things at you

The police can advise you how to get out safely if you're worried about the escalation of violence

He will become more violent if he suspects you won't complain and if you're going so you need to hide your tracks

Clear your browsing history

Withdraw small sums of cash every time you go out so you have a small emergency fund

Photocopy all of both of your important documents (birth/marriage/divorce qualification certs, bank, savings, assets etc. Then leave it with a trusted person out of the house.

This is what happened to my friend's sister & unfortunately the bastard killed her before she could escape. Get out, don't give him a 2nd chance because he won't give you a 2nd chance to save your life.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You need to leave immediately for your own sake, he will probably murder you one day. Have you got kids with this vile piece of shit?

LEAVE.

Saying it’s your fault he hit you is a massive massive red flag. This is a line crossed that can never be uncrossed. Get out OP. He’s an abuser.

@Milosunshine
So that’s why you make his breakfast and try to be the ‘perfect wife’? Because you feel that if you’re a perfect wife, he’ll be that man that you feel in love what not the angry bully that’s breaks your heart.
Unfortunately sweetheart, it doesn’t matter how ‘perfect’ you are. It won’t be good enough to stop the nasty side coming out, and he needs someone to blame rather than face his own actions and that person to blame is you. And it sounds like you believe him.. I would imagine after his outbursts you spend time thinking about what you can do to be ‘even better’ in future to stop him getting upset, and today was one of the first times you stood up to him by telling him throwing stuff at you is unacceptable- how did I know this? Because if his reaction and calling you a ‘lairy bitch’ he’s putting you firmly back in your box.
At the moment when you confront him he’ll use words, then he’ll use his hands.
I truly hope you find the strength to love yourself more than you love him, I wish I could get into your head and unlove him for you.
Just stay in touch with us on here, regardless of what you choose to do- that way you have people to talk to and hopefully one day will find the self worth to get away..

It reminds me of my ex. While staying with a friend we had an argument. He started throwing teddies at me. When I didn't react (because I was stunned that he was throwing teddies at me!) he pinned me to the bed with his hands around my throat. Luckily my friend heard and grabbed him off me.

The point is, it may just be a pillow, this time, but he will get worse. A lot worse.

Time to leave.
Be careful 💐

I think you’re right that he CAN control it. He DOESN’T control it and that should make you realise how bad the situation is. How he must think/feel about you.

Is there anyone who you can turn to for support? Are you comfortable to contact an organisation?

I know you’re not ready to leave right now but can you spend some time thinking about what would happen if you did. Eg whose house do you live in? If not yours where could you go? Who can support you?

Also definitely look at the freedom program whether you leave right now or choose to stay for now.

Just to clarify every part of me (having been in an abusive relationship) wants to scream at you to run away from him but I know that’s not going to convince you if you’re not ready but I do think you should.

I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger

Are you really going to condemn yourself to getting up at 5am every morning to cook his breakfast until the day he retires, because he says you must?
I'm wondering how violent he'll get tomorrow morning, and every morning after that, if you don't get up to cook his breakfast at 5am?
Can you not see that it is coercive and controlling behaviour? That he thinks is fully justified?
The 'lairy bitch' comment is very chilling.
I'd be moving out today to a relative or friend's house or a hotel. I certainly wouldn't be planning to have a child with him!

OP if your sister or friend told you that her partner was abusivem what would be your advice to them ?

I'm glad to read you don't have children. Please, please do not force a helpless child to have to live with this man. You have choices but a child would not.

He managed to control himself while you were pregnant. Well, hooray for him. You say this proves he can control himself and seem to be using that as some sort of proof that he will control himself.

You know what it also says? That he CAN control himself and therefore his aggressive and abusive behaviour towards you is a choice. He is choosing to be abusive towards you.

Would you ever treat someone you love the way he treats you? Do his actions show you he loves you?

You talk about loving who he is when he isn't being abusive but he isn't two people, one nice and one who treats you like shit on his shoe. There is only him. Take one part of him and you have to take all of him.

The absence of abuse isn't 'niceness'. You only think it is because it's a blessed relief to have some time where you aren't being subjected to his hatred of you.

It's also dependant on you being a good little girl pleasing your master. Step out of line and you get punished.

Is this really the life you want? There is no way he will change. They don't.

You have every right to stay and be abused if you feel that is the option you prefer, you're an adult and you can make that choice. But you don't have the right to force this life a child who won't have the luxury of choice.

I really really hope you choose to leave him. You deserve a happy life, not a cycle of abuse, relief at absence of abuse, more abuse.

I do wish you good luck, whatever your decision. I hope you choose to leave though, I truly do.