Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

[Milosunshine]

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

Op the majority of women who live with domestic violence would not tell you that the first episode was a punch in the face. Most will tell a story of their partner being tired or stressed and throwing something in anger, it not quite directed at them. Thats only until they realise that the woman stays after their little throwing episode. It then escalates and that pillow becomes a phone or a cup, then it becomes a fist or a boot
All he's doing at the moment is seeing just how far he can go, I promise it won't stop at a pillow. I know it's easy for some stranger on the internet to tell you what they'd do but your partner sounds at the very least bullying and my thoughts are that you sound scared not to make him breakfast.
You shouldn't be scared of the person you live with

OP, don't have children with this man. Abuse tends to get worse during pregnancy for many women. He doesn't love you and he's an abuser. You need to start organising an exit strategy. His behaviour is going to get worse.

You can't see how bad it is because it undoubtedly started in small ways and has escalated to him hitting you with things, throwing objects and pushing you which can all be minimised. You're being groomed into accepting this behaviour and he's very good at it because it seems to have worked.

The reason it hasn't got worse (though pushing you and throwing things should be enough to get out) is because you are under control. He doesn't need to ramp it up in order to control you. You are living some kind of master/servant life. You get up and scurry around after him at 5am like a domestic servant. He is your master and you're not playing the game so he punishes you. He has been teaching you for years to comply with intimidation and threats.

There is no way back from this. He's abusive and abusers only ever get worse. If you stopped running around after him, I guarantee the abuse with escalate.

I didn't want to just read without commenting, the "lairy bitch" is just the type of thing my Ex would say. In fact you're just asserting your boundaries, he doesn't benefit from you having those so will try to make you feel bad for having them. I've said it a few times here but please, google "Why does he do that" if you only read snippets when you're ready, it helped me & may help you

Please leave

I must revoke my previous advice.

You are in an abusive marriage, OP, and on NO ACCOUNT WHATSOEVER should you consider having children with this violent tosser.

If you stay will him it won't be long before the bad times outweigh the good but he will have gaslit you to the extent that you'll believe it's all your fault for being 'selfish' and not catering to his every whim.

As for being 'in love' with him, there are umpteen million other men you can love who will return your love wholeheartedly without their anger ever being a negative factor in your relationship.

You don't love him; he's become a habit and you've already started to convince yourself that he's worth staying with because of the times when he's not 'in that state of anger'. You're on a slippery slope; climb off now before you get injured on the steep descent to the bottom.

So he managed not to be violent or abusive for 12 weeks while you were pregnant....

Well done that man

Seriously OP, you are so far down a rabbit hole that this reads as scary. He’s not “amazing”.

Just leave and get on with the rest of your life. He will drag you down so far there will be nothing left.

Women are murdered every single week by their partners.

Don’t be one of them.

Leave him. This is not your fault. This is not normal. He will hurt you badly one day if you stay. And please don’t have kids with him - it won’t help, it will be a mistake.

Reading this all back I sound like an absolute fool for staying with him but I know I would miss him so much 😞

Of course you'd miss him in the beginning but the alternative is that you accept the abuse and a pillow becomes a fist and the hit becomes a black eye.

The fact he's telling you it's your fault means that if you accept it he'll know he's programmed you to accept the abuse without question and it'll escalate. You need to protect yourself, sweetheart x

You work full time, yet you also do all the housework and get up at 5am to make his breakfast and lunch, and he calls you a bitch for daring to question this.

You have a choice that only you can make - choice made much easier by the fact you don’t have children with him:

1. Stay with him and utterly ruin and waste your life, knowing it will only get a whole load worse when you have children - what you’ve experienced so far would only be the beginning of a nightmare believe me.

2. Leave him. You will have a period of sadness and upset which will be tough at times but you will emerge as a stronger, free woman with your whole life ahead of you!

Please choose 2. Don’t let him ruin your one and only chance at life. Don’t be that tragedy.

OP please read about the circle of abuse and keep posting. Does anyone in RL know ?

Get out now

Yes OP you will miss him

It’s ok to love the person who is abusing you and to acknowledge that they can at times appear loving and you have fun with them.

But that does not erase the fact that they are abusive

Think about how he spoke to you when you just rang him? About what he has been expecting you do to this last two years. That he doesn’t care you are tired.

Is that the action of a man who loves you? Is that the life partner you want to be with?

Please call women’s aid for some support and please consider leaving ASAP.

He isn’t going to change for the better he is going to get worse - look at the pattern already.
Each time he is like this and you stay he feels more power and that he Ben do more and more. It’s part of the pattern abusers use.

If he had done this right at the beginning when you first met you would have run a mile but they draw you in and make you love them and they can then get away with more and more until you are broken.

Who can you talk to in real life?
Ring WA, make plans of where you can go and get out ASAP.

The question is not whether you love him.
I'm sure you do.
The question isn't even whether he loves you
Maybe he does
The question is, are you happy? Does he make you feel happy, safe and secure?
It's pretty clear the answer is no.
Please dont wait around hoping that the nice man who shows up occasionally is the 'real him'
The real him is the person who abused you this morning.
Please leave him.

Also, there is often something highly attractive and compelling about abusive men. It's how they get to become abusive to long term partners - the charm and attraction is strong enough that women/partners forgive and forgive, for the crumbs of "good stuff". I've been there - the only abusive boyfriend I had was also the one I thought I was most "in love" with, and the most attracted to. He luckily left me for someone else, for which I'm eternally grateful now - but it was so easy to keep forgiving his bad behaviours, especially as I knew some of his background so could "see where it was coming from".

Doesn't actually matter "where it was coming from" - the fact remained that he chose to be an abusive bastard to the one he was supposed to love and care for - he didn't have to do that, he chose to do that. And yours is the same. Blaming you is an absolutely classic tactic - when he breaks your arm, it will be because you "drove him to it".

Give Women's Aid a call - see if they can offer you any advice.

You must get away from this abusive, vile man. His behaviour will only escalate. Does he insult and hit random strangers on the street, or colleagues at his workplace? Then of course he can control himself. He chooses to abuse you and it is not your fault.

Please find a way to leave.

Are you willing to give up the chance of children for him OP? Because, you know, you really can't bring poor, innocent children in to this mess. You would be knowingly bringing them in to a violent and dysfunctional family, with an abusive father.

For clarity, social services would be all over this shit if you had children and they got wind of this. If you 'love' himself so much you won't leave, don't bring kids in to it too. It's not fair.

Leave him OP, before he really hurts you.

Reading this all back I sound like an absolute fool for staying with him but I know I would miss him so much

Miss what? Being a slave? (x100 when you have a baby to care for too) walking on eggshells? Waiting for the next outburst? Waiting for the next slap?

And you're planning a for a child to live with that?

Wake up!! Look at your future. Is that really what you want?

You must surely know he isn’t a nice man. Please don’t have a baby with him. No child deserves to be saddled with a father like this.

I read this expecting to find that you were a SAHM with time on your hands and children at school or something. I was going to say:

YANBU he shouldn't have hit you with a pillow, however he sounds tired and under a lot of stress and if it's a one off I'd read him the riot act but forgive him. If the deal is you make his lunch and breakfast because you have more free time than him then why aren't you doing it? It's a bit unfair for him to go downstairs ready to leave and find he's got no food for the day and will be late if he stops to makes some.

Then I saw you both both work full time. So I was going to say your day may be a bit shorter than his, with more holiday and less anti-social hours and so perhaps it's only fair that you take responsibility for things like packed lunch making. Not that you should have to be getting up at silly o'clock to do that when your working day finishes at around 4pm. It makes sense to do it the night before.

All of that was what I was going to say.

Now I've seen the rest of the thread I am going to say just leave him. He sounds like an aggressive, entitled arsehole and it's only a matter of time before you are used as a punch bag to take out whatever stresses he is feeling. Not to mention if he thinks you've got an easier life than him now and it entitles him to treat you like this, wait until you are at home with a baby. Then he'll really show his true colours.

But I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger.

Would you not rather be happy? Free? Safe?

I hope you keep posting here. The truth will feel overwhelming and scary at first but then it will be like you have surfaced after being underwater for a long time, and there will be no going back.

He chooses to abuse you, again and again. He knows exactly what he us doing and how it makes you feel. He can control it. He just doesn’t want to.

It’s not love, it’s abuse.

Please please don't have a child with this man

So why post? What can we do? You are accepting abuse so you can subjugate yourself.

Why would you do that to yourself?

He wasn’t violent or abusive at all during that time which is how I know he can control it.

He should be violent or abusive any of the time.