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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 03/02/2020 07:58

His abuse has already escalated from verbal to physical. You need to get out before this goes any further. Keep talking here OP, you have our support. Leave this disgrace of a man and live the life you deserve.

Qwerty543 · 03/02/2020 07:58

He's a vile abusive twat OP. You are worth so much more.

EvaHarknessRose · 03/02/2020 08:00

This is not your fault and you did not deserve to have words or things thrown at you. Sweetheart, you can't bring a child into an abusive home. They will see you being attacked, and demonstrate trauma reactions and negative relationships for the rest of their lives Sad. You think this is love but it's not. Get some help, think it over.

acatcalledjohn · 03/02/2020 08:00

And where did you learn to accept this behaviour? Was your Dad abusive to your Mum?

This is so far from what a normal relationship should be, that I wonder what you were shown during your childhood.

^ I wondered this too.

OP, my DP has to leave for work about
45 mins before I even have to get up. He wakes up, quietly gets up, makes his own breakfast and then heads to work. He wouldn't dream of expecting me to make his breakfast.

Because he's a not an abusive shithead.

No one should ever be abusive. Not once. And the fact that he is now blaming you for being abused makes him a very, very dangerous man.

Today it's a pillow. The next time it may well be his hands. Or a knife. Or a shove in to something hard.

But hey, he's lovely most of the time, so what are a few bruises?

OvalCanvas · 03/02/2020 08:00

Op , any of us could tell you endless (true) stories about what happened to us in abusive relationships but I fear that'll be pointless.

Just think about whether his actions show that he loves you or not.

10% nice behaviour/90% nasty is not okay. The only acceptable amount of abusive is none.

Also DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. I'm not even sorry for shouting.

Lifeasweknow · 03/02/2020 08:01

OP I know you say you love him but he is not the be all and end all. He's abusive and as you say he hasn't always been physically abusive, there is nothing to say that his behaviour can't get worse. Does he actually love you? Could physically and mentally hurt someone you loved? I know I couldn't.

manybirdsnests · 03/02/2020 08:02

Awful. LTB (my first)

EntropyRising · 03/02/2020 08:02

It won't always be a pillow that he hits you with - please get away from him.

I'm shocked that he would allow you get up early to make his breakfast for two years, any nice guy would feel beyond uncomfortable with this arrangement.

Reluctantbettlynch · 03/02/2020 08:04

Imagine you have a baby; you're doing all the night feeds and wakings- still trying to do everything at home to keep him happy. You will be so run down, he will control you more.
That baby is a little girl, she's soon a toddler running around. What happens now when he's angry because he doesn't get 100% of your attention any more? What happens when she irritates him?
She's a little older, she sees mummy crying all the time. Why does daddy shout so much? She's not allowed to hit other children, but daddy hits mummy Confused
She's 21, the man she's dating is just like daddy ... is this really what you want for her?

Break the cycle, fix the future.

SpaceDinosaur · 03/02/2020 08:04

Sounds like you know what you need to do. He's abusive, assaults you verbally and now physically and not for the first time.

He's hugely powerful over you because he's SUPER nice in a pathetic attempt to make you need him and like him and forget all the abuse.

If your friend were telling you all of this, what advice would you have for her?

If your daughter were in this situation?....
Any children you bring in to this will learn that his behaviour is "normal". Is that what you want?

Justathinslice · 03/02/2020 08:07

OP
Yes, of course you will miss the person he is when he isn't abusing you.
The trouble is, that person isn't real. It is contrived to buy favour for when the ' real him' comes out.

Charm and manipulation are tools of the trade for abusive men. I mean, if he said " I'm angry because I cant regulate my own feelings, and abusing you makes me feel like I'm in control " Chances are you would leave.

I have no doubt that he is damaged from his upbringing. But unless he is prepared, genuinely to address it, then your sympathy and kindness is wasted on him.

He will never, never change until he wants to change. And at the moment, he is light years away from being self aware.

Save yourself. You don't have to sacrifice your life.

Yes, you'll miss him, but you'll get over it.

frazzledasarock · 03/02/2020 08:07

Can you see how he is steadily escalating?

He used to be verbally abusive and now it has become physically abusive.

He’s conditioning you to accept it before he moves it up a notch.

Speak to women’s aid.

Speak to solicitors.

You won’t miss being his emotional and physical punch bag.

Do you have real life support?

morrisseysquif · 03/02/2020 08:07

This is the third nasty controlling man thread I've read in the space of 24 hours, you are not alone.

You are not a lazy bitch and he is not the boss of you.

MrsGolightyly · 03/02/2020 08:08

Women’s Aid will help you @Milosunshine.

Contact them today and get out of this toxic situation. 💐

Motoko · 03/02/2020 08:10

My ex husband started with slaps and pushing. When he punched me, while we were out in public, I knew I had to leave him. I found myself telling his mother that I got a black eye by banging it on a cupboard door, how clichéd was that?!

I am now married to a lovely, kind man.

Please ring Women's Aid, or the Domestic Violence helpline a pp posted above, and get support to leave, because he will get worse, and all the while you stay with him, you're in danger. 2 women a week are killed by their partners, don't be one of them.

KellyHall · 03/02/2020 08:17

Do one morw thing for him: pack his bags and leave them in the garden.

His abuse is escalating. Split up before he does something to you that you can't recover from.

Lightlyfebreezed · 03/02/2020 08:17

Well you're an adult OP, and if you truly want to stay with this horrible, abusive man then that's your choice, and we all make our own. You won't be able to have children with him, of course - it would be a poor mother who knowingly inflicted this situation on a child. Every single person I know whose parents have had this sort of relationship has grown up with massive issues. Just because you think his behaviour is worth putting up with because of "love" doesn't mean your future adult children will agree.

Biancadelrioisback · 03/02/2020 08:23

OP posted this at 5:38 this morning and there are already posters being frustrated that OP hasn't already left him. FFS she's taken the first steps! She's admitted that its happening. OP it's very brave to take that first step. You don't have to take the second step straight away but you should know what the steps are. I would always encourage someone to speak to someone in real life. But that is ridiculously difficult. I know. But it helps. It makes it feel more real. But there is no going back once you tell someone.

It's not easy to have a bunch of people calling your DH all the names under the sun. You'll naturally get a bit defensive because you do love him. Not long ago you were carrying his child. You will always see the good in him, but that is drawing you in to a false sense of security. You can't be responsible for keeping him in a good mood for the rest of your life. That is no life for you. He will tell you he loves you and that he felt pushed into what he did. He'll guilt trip you with all the stuff he does/money he earns etc. He'll remind you about all the nice things he's ever done for you (I bet some of them are very standard things). He'll get incredibly defensive and say whatever he can to make you stop or give up. Whether that is promising to change making you feel like you're going crazy. You can always write on here. Don't let people make you feel daft or pathetic. You're not.

Lara53 · 03/02/2020 08:25

Please read up on Gas lighting. This is what he’s doing to you.

thirdpassport · 03/02/2020 08:25

He sounds absolutely awful OP. My dad was a bit like this to my mum. It made for an incredibly unhappy marriage and caused me a hell of a lot of issues growing up as well, witnessing him treating her like a domestic appliance that just existed to serve him and his whims.
Leave him now, and be thankful you’re not tied to him by having a child together.

NettleTea · 03/02/2020 08:26

dont be like my poor mother in law, who has Parkinsons and is currently in hospital - blue lighted there on Friday morning because the 'man' she loves is angry that his kitchen appliance of a wife now has needs that HE is supposed to attend to, and he left her on the floor all night when she fell and was too weak to get up. He refused to get out of bed and help her, despite her calling him all night.

This is not the first time this has happened.

She is so conditioned by him that she didnt even want to go into hospital, she wouldnt press her emergency button, because he has trained her to put him first, and without her there the carers wont go in and do the jobs that make his life easier. THAT was all she was saying in the ambulance. Who will look after him.

I dont even know if she will make it, she is in a bad way because of his neglect. He doesnt think he has done anything wrong and blames her for what has happened.

Inherdefence · 03/02/2020 08:28

He can control it. He’s choosing not to. He will continue to do this and more as long as you allow it by staying with him. .

Leave him now. Find someone better to love and raise a family with.

elpapadelapepa · 03/02/2020 08:29

Whoa, I've just read as far as "before I was pregnant it was more verbal and emotional rather than physical. After I miscarried it was then he started the throwing and pushing". You must now get out now. This man is a nasty piece of work and he is a danger to you. He will get worse. Please do whatever you need to do to get away from him, cut all ties and do not look back.

Bluetrews25 · 03/02/2020 08:33

OP, your updates are truly chilling.
Is there anywhere you can run to or a colleague you could stay with for a few days as you really, truly need to get out as fast as you can?

Pinkyxx · 03/02/2020 08:35

His response indicates a complete lack of remorse coupled with a failure to even remotely acknowledge that his behavior is wrong. He has manipulated the entire situation to be YOUR fault whilst being verbally abusive, guilting you and mocking you. Perhaps worse is he's telling you that you deserved what you got.

You do not need his permission to lie in and you are not responsible for making his breakfast (or doing anything else for him). He does not get to 'punish' you if you fail to comply with his demands. He is an abusive man please do not accept being treated this way.

Please draw a line, objects progress to fists (which are much worse than pillows). Men like this do not change.

Please contact Women's Aid.