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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:

BigButtons · 03/02/2020 07:05

Bloody hell I could have written this OP 25 years ago.
I went on to have 6 children with my abuser. I left him 7 years ago. The kids are fucked and I am still recovering.

AgentJohnson · 03/02/2020 07:05

But I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger.

The price for these ‘good bits’ is being his skivvy and being abused when you don’t prioritise his laziness.

So the choice is yours but living with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you, is not the relationship you should be accepting of or modelling for your child.

The balls in your court but their isn’t a more respectful version of him waiting around the corner.

LangittleClegabbage · 03/02/2020 07:06

Please look at this OP:

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Original poster

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 07:08

Thank you all so much for all of your advice I really do appreciate it, it also makes me feel a bit more sane as sometimes I really think it is all my fault. I think it is learnt behaviour as his dad was physically abusive to his mum. It took her 24 years to leave, she ended up having an affair which as much as it is morally wrong I think it was her only way out.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 03/02/2020 07:10

If you won't leave him, then start planning your funeral. This has escalated and will continue to do so and we are easily killed by violent men, even by accident. It saves putting that stress onto your family.

At least don't be selfish enough to have a child. You will at the very least destroy the child's mental health. It's you that will have bought a child into this and you will have to answer to your child one day.

Hopefully this wonderful man, who you are so in love with, will only start to put bruises on you were they can't be seen, so you don't have to take time off work, at least.

That seems the most practical advice, given your choice to stay.

12345kbm · 03/02/2020 07:10

The National Domestic Violence 24 hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247

Igotthemheavyboobs · 03/02/2020 07:10

OP, please please get out this. You're not married, no kids, just take an emergency day from work (or sick day whatever), pack your stuff and go. You will never regret it but will if you stay.

LouReidDododo · 03/02/2020 07:15

It won’t be long till his hands are round you neck.

Get out now before he has the chance.

I’ve been where you are. Yes it’s hard to leave but that’s because he has drained you of the self esteem and courage. Leaving my abusive ex made my heart actually hurt. I cried my eyes out for days. Then I started to feel the biggest sense of relief and am happily married now to a lovely bloke with our amazing kids.

This is just one chapter of your life. Start your new one

WeHaveSnowdrops · 03/02/2020 07:17

OP, please leave before you get hurt.

This man does not love you and has no respect for you.

ColumbaPalumbus · 03/02/2020 07:17

If you do stay at least make absolutely sure you don't get pregnant. Tell the GP you're in an abusive relationship and need to sort ironclad contraception and they will help you. It's one thing to choose this for yourself and quite another to do so on an innocent baby.

northernknickers · 03/02/2020 07:17

What would your mum tell you to do, if she read all of this?

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2020 07:19

So, OP. Are you going to start making plans? Or more excuses for him?

It won't get better.

LangittleClegabbage · 03/02/2020 07:21

And where did you learn to accept this behaviour? Was your Dad abusive to your Mum?

This is so far from what a normal relationship should be, that I wonder what you were shown during your childhood.

If you do nothing else OP, please keep posting here. There are many women here who have experienced abuse, recognised it, and left. And are now leaving happy lives without fear. Hopefully this will become your life too. But whatever you do, do not get pregnant again. If you do, you will be tied to this man forever and he will ruin your children's lives.

TwilightPeace · 03/02/2020 07:21

I think it is learnt behaviour as his dad was physically abusive to his mum. It took her 24 years to leave

Whether it is learnt behaviour or not, it’s still a choice he makes. He does it because he is choosing to.
You don’t have to suffer for years like his mum did, you can get out NOW.

You only get one life. Don’t waste it.

tinytemper66 · 03/02/2020 07:21

He is starting g to gaslight you- leave the twat!!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/02/2020 07:22

Don't waste another day love, get out now. They never change, they never get better. The things you think are "amazing" about him are just the normal things that people do for each other. Out now and seek out the freedom programme.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 03/02/2020 07:23

He’s going to get worse. Abusive types (and he is) always escalate it.

L0bstersLass · 03/02/2020 07:24

@Milosunshine
But I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger.
You would miss who you want him to be, not who he actually is.

There is excellent advice in this thread and I would encourage you to take it.

Oulu · 03/02/2020 07:25

I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger

But would you miss the feeling of walking on eggshells waiting for the next insult, abuse or blow? Would you miss being expected to be his servant? Trust me, there are lovely men out there who can be kind, loving and considerate without feeling the need to treat women like this. There is a whole lovely life available to you where you aren't made to feel the way you do now. Please go out and take it.

PanicAndRun · 03/02/2020 07:25

He's nice to you and amazing sometimes so he can keep abusing you. It's not because he loves you or cares for you or respects you, it's a means to an end.
It's the cycle of abuse. Eventually he will be abusive more than he is nice, until it's all abuse and you have wasted 24 years of your life (if you don't end up dead) waiting for the next strike.

You deserve better than that, you are better than that.

Borderterrierpuppy · 03/02/2020 07:26

Op you must be a very special person if you work in a sen school.
Please don’t think you have to waste those lovely qualities you have on this man.

You deserve someone who is as lovely as you are.
You deserve someone kind loving and dependable.

Yes you will miss him and it will hurt in the short term however you know that is what you need to do in order to have the life you deserve and not live a life like his mum did.

Please keep posting and consider doing the freedom programme.

MarthasGinYard · 03/02/2020 07:26

Please don't have dc with this abuser it's not a good idea.

I hope you can find the strength to get out.

TheMaddHugger · 03/02/2020 07:27

(((((Offers of Hugs and strength)))).🌺

Please I implore you to read this book. I'm including the free PDF version.

Please dont let him know you are reading this. Nor posting here. Nor leaving him.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Yestermost · 03/02/2020 07:28

Do you want a baby eventually? If so it would be awful to bring a baby into this house. He would be a terrible father and your child would be brought up in an abusive home. You would be in part responsible for allowing this to happen.

You deserve so much more than this. If you leave him now it will be difficult but I guarantee you will look back in a couple of years and think thank fuck. Be brave.

pilates · 03/02/2020 07:28

This is not normal behaviour in a healthy relationship. I am so sorry. 💐

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