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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/02/2020 06:13

Do you have children with him? If not then sack him off - he's a disgusting bully.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/02/2020 06:14

I mean, even if you do have children with him, you should still sack him off but it just takes a bit longer to arrange all that, generally.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 06:14

Not at all.. he said it’s my own fault 😞

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 03/02/2020 06:15

When you see him again tell him that after pillowgate he'll be making his own breakfast and lunch and he can forget any thoughts of making a song and dance and waking you when he gets up.

Tell him you've spoilt him and made a rod for your own back and it ends now. If you have dc, add that you don't want your dc to grow up to be as entitled as he has been.

Make it clear that in future housework is to be shared and if he doesn't want to demean himself do his share he can pay for a cleaner to do it for him.

State that the above is non-negotiable and if he's not willing to change his ways he can expect to receive your petition to divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. AND MEAN IT!

What is it with these entitled knobs? There seems to be so many of them. How can any woman find them attractive let alone live with one?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 03/02/2020 06:16

You know this isn’t okay. Listen to yourself. Do you have children?

SnoozyLou · 03/02/2020 06:16

He can't make his own breakfast and lunch without having a tantrum and he calls you a baby?

It starts with only a pillow, and it gets worse. I would leave. I would probably leave anyway to be honest. I never really understood this thing or both partners going to work and the woman being treated as an unpaid slave. If he won't pull his weight to the extent that you have to get up 2 hours earlier than you need to to make his breakfast, I'd be gone.

OP, you don't need to put up with this. You deserve better.

ChasingRainbows19 · 03/02/2020 06:16

That's not normal to expect that you both work! You will be tired too. You should be sharing the load fairly for each other Lots of twisting it all on you in this argument. This could escalate.

I'm on a day off my partner will wake shortly for work and then make me a brew in bed even though he is in work. He won't be angry at me that I've not done his he does it because he loves me.
Please don't consider it ok

NotAPan · 03/02/2020 06:21

Well that's all kinds of red flags. Not even warning signs, it just is very clearly NOT OKAY and is ABUSE. Abuse doesn't have to leave bruises.

I woke up early this morning and text the guy I'm seeing good morning. His immediate response was that he hoped I wasn't awake at this time in the morning because of him. AS IS NORMAL FOR A CARING HUMAN BEING

Shoxfordian · 03/02/2020 06:25

Its never your fault if someone is violent towards you
Don't put up with this shit

12345kbm · 03/02/2020 06:26

OP you appear to work for him. You're the cook, cleaner and sexual servicer. When you refuse to do your 'job', you get a whack with a pillow and called a 'lairy bitch'.

I can only assume that you come from an abusive background or a deeply misogynist culture where men treat women like this so it's normalised.

You have rights. You have a right to be treated with compassion and respect. You have a right to be heard. You have a right to rest. You have a right not to be demeaned or hit or called names. This man doesn't see you as a human being with rights. He sees you as an object to be used and abused. He see you as something lesser.

He doesn't like you, he doesn't respect you and he's only going to get worse. You can either carry on being abused and ground into the dirt or you can start making plans to escape.

Walkthedinosauuuuur · 03/02/2020 06:27

Yeah, leave this twat ASAP.

NotAPan · 03/02/2020 06:28

Before you take @DonKeyshot advice (which is good if the person you are in a relationship with is normal) please speak to women's aid or another domestic abuse charity. I am worried that if you confront him and stand up to him, he will escalate.

Please do not underplay the risk to your physical safety to yourself right now. Better to be safe than sorry. I don't mean pander to him and stay, I mean be smart about how you leave him. Because you do need to leave him - and urgently. I'm sorry, this is a lot to take in for you Flowers

I would take a day off work as an emergency and get proper advice. Don't tell him you've taken the day off. Behave normally until you've taken qualified advice. Be. Safe.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/02/2020 06:28

OP you need to leave immediately. If there were any doubt at all about this it was dispelled by the way he spoke to you just now. There is no way back from this tbh.

AgentPrentiss · 03/02/2020 06:30

This is not your fault.

He is an abuser.

Please leave him. You get one life. Is this how you want to spend it? You deserve much better than this piece of trash. Who the fuck does he think he is? You’re not his servant.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 06:32

I know deep down this isn’t normal but I genuinely am in love with him, he does have amazing other qualities and we have really good times which do outweigh the bad. He has been aggressive towards me before.. mainly just throwing things at me or pushing me. But I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/02/2020 06:33

This is where it starts; I’d get things sorted to leave and fast.
Are there other things in your relationship that aren’t right/you aren’t happy with? I’m surprised that you get up at 5 to do those things and I wonder whether there’s more of a pattern here.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 06:34

We don’t have children together, I was pregnant in the summer however unfortunately miscarried at 11 weeks. He wasn’t violent or abusive at all during that time which is how I know he can control it.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/02/2020 06:37

**But I feel like I can’t walk away because I would miss the person he is when he is not in that state of anger.
Yes probably you would but that’s a massive part of an abusive persons power; if they were nasty all the time it’s be easy to leave but they intersperse the abuse with being great and it becomes confusing and you end up always hoping for the better person to be there. However he isn’t two separate people and if he can be nice then why does he also have to be abusive? What he’s done today is not ok and you deserve more.

NotAPan · 03/02/2020 06:37

What do you mean? That he was being violent and abusive to you and he graciously stopped while you we pregnant?!

Mintjulia · 03/02/2020 06:37

Well, if you are still in love with him -God knows how - start saving a rental deposit this month anyway. Create a separate account he doesn’t know about.

Like it or not, you are going to need it.

Stephminx · 03/02/2020 06:39

No love - he can’t control it or he would never throw things at you etc...

Please leave - have you heard the tea and poo analogy ? Would you drink a cup of tea that’s 95% tea and 5% poo ? And in this case, 5% poo that is riddled with a disease that can hurt you ?

recrudescence · 03/02/2020 06:40

If you don’t leave you will have to put up with this behaviour, and very likely worse, for ever. His other qualities, however amazing, cannot be seen as fair compensation. You don’t have to accept abuse in order to be entitled to some good times in return.

Original poster
Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 06:40

Yes, before I was pregnant it was more verbal and emotional rather than physical. After I miscarried it was then he started the throwing and pushing. Reading this all back I sound like an absolute fool for staying with him but I know I would miss him so much 😞

OP posts:
MerryGrinchmas1 · 03/02/2020 06:41

Whether you think he can control it or not, risking bringing a baby into that environment is not on.
It is a known fact that pregnancy/after pregnancy can worsen an abusers behaviour.
K
You say that he has pushed you before, and now he has thrown something at you and blamed you for it. That shows that he is not able to control himself.
LTB before it gets worse.

EThreepwood · 03/02/2020 06:42

OP can't you see he's conditioned you to do the things he wants/ be the person he wants just to keep him happy.
You don't deserve this and you'll waste years on this man.

Please leave him and do the freedom program. It didn't say if you were a mum but I've been a single Mum and it was nice; hard but worth it. And I would have chosen it a 1000 times over than be with my Ex.

I'm currently engaged to a wonderful man who helps around the house and loves me for me whether I lie in or not... Or nap after work.

You need to chose happiness for yourself and run far away from his abusive behaviour it isn't a one off. You know you'd tell a friend that so tell yourself.

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