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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/02/2020 00:04

Remember that you've been conditioned BY HIM to think everything is your fault. You need to break that conditioning.
Every time HE tells you that it's your fault, ask someone else - you have 100s of posters on this thread telling you otherwise - why believe him over the rest of us? He knows now that everyone will think he's a cunt BECAUSE HE IS ONE. He KNOWS that - he just doesn't want outside people to know it too.
YOU know it too. Remember it.

Now block his number and stay away from him, have no communication with him, he will change tactic once he sees that coercive ways aren't working - he might turn to crying, threatening suicide, lovebombing - NONE of it is real, it's all about getting you back into his power.

Stay strong lovely - you CAN DO THIS!

looondonn · 04/02/2020 00:09

You are making silly excuses for him

  1. read the great advice others have offered to you

  2. pack a bag when he is not around

  3. get his far away from him as possible

  4. block him on every platform

PLEASE !!!!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/02/2020 00:13

She has left him today

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 00:22

Just read through, wel done Op! You should be very proud of yourself

user1473878824 · 04/02/2020 00:44

“ Remember that you've been conditioned BY HIM to think everything is your fault. You need to break that conditioning.
Every time HE tells you that it's your fault, ask someone else - you have 100s of posters on this thread telling you otherwise - why believe him over the rest of us? He knows now that everyone will think he's a cunt BECAUSE HE IS ONE. He KNOWS that - he just doesn't want outside people to know it too.
YOU know it too. Remember it.“

Absolutely this.

Weenurse · 04/02/2020 06:12

Please stay away

Pollyhops · 04/02/2020 06:28

Well done op.

Stay strong and don’t go back .

DileenODoubts · 04/02/2020 07:00

Well done OP.
Please remember too that you don’t need his agreement that hitting you with a pillow was ‘that bad’
You don’t need to convince him why you want to leave. You don’t need his permission.
You can leave because you want to, for any reason, even if it’s not a ‘good enough reason’ in his eyes.
Look up grey rock technique.
If he’s trying to tell you it was all your fault etc just repeat that you don’t agree and you mustn’t be right for each other if you have such different views.
I wasted a lot of time trying to get an ex to see that what he was doing was wrong till I realised it didn’t matter if he did, I could leave for any reason even if in his eyes it made me the bad guy

BrevilleTron · 04/02/2020 07:05

It wasn't your fault. You didn't make him do anything. Grab your dignity and cut the bastard off. No second chances. No apologies. All relationships are voluntary. Take your choice. We are all rooting for you. You owe him NOTHING AT ALL

Yehdivvy · 04/02/2020 07:37

Please read this article www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-51360772

msflibble · 04/02/2020 11:53

@milosunshine if he doesn't want people to think he's a c*nt he shouldn't behave like one.

I was in a relationship with a man similar to this. Grew up in a bad situation, sometimes so loving and vulnerable and fun and sometimes so vicious and selfish. Your OH sounds possibly like a Borderliner en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder - men with this condition can be very lovable and attractive and draw you to them, but then keep you close and controlled with manipulation, aggression and gaslighting. The pain that they put you through actually bonds you closer to them - it's called traumatic bonding, and it feels very much like love, but in reality it's closer to desperation and it is deeply toxic.

This relationship has no long-term future. His behaviour will escalate. A good man would never do what he has done. I remember in the early stages of my relationship with DH how I waited, fearfully, for him to lose his temper over something minor, or to say something cutting, or to smash something in rage. And he never did, he never has. That's not him. People don't change, and your man can unfortunately never get better. So please stay strong and don't go back.

SnoozyLou · 04/02/2020 12:28

@Milosunshine This about what other people think - that's what I was telling you before. I convinced everyone what a lovely bloke my ex was. My parents thought he was lovely - I suspect they still do at some extent. I never showed them the marks all over me; that he was actually an angry, violent alcoholic (another excuse he used for hitting out), who'd I'd just found out had started taking heroin.

That's how they get you. You make the world think they're lovely, then when you want to leave you have no support system as everyone feels sorry for him, when the reality is a very different story.

Even if he hadn't hit you, I still would have left. Because the fact that a grown man would expect you to get up 2 hours early every morning to get his breakfast is batshit crazy.

He has to get up early? He doesn't like his job? He has to work hard to make ends meet? Well those were his life choices, so that's his tough shit.

I don't see anything to be gained from talking to him. I would bet he will change his tactic in time and start saying how sorry he is when it dawns on him you're not coming back. Just know that he's only sorry you left, not for what he did.

worriedfordds · 04/02/2020 12:41

Hi OP, I hope you're doing ok? You are such an inspiration to have acted so quickly. I hope you are continuing to enjoy your lovely meals and the toilet seat down Thanks

To all the posters who have contributed I want to say thank you for your input as I've been able to pass on your knowledge and wise words to my 13 yo dd who has experienced abuse from her dad. She found it really helpful in not allowing herself to feel sorry for her dad or believe the abuse was her fault. They need to teach this stuff at school and then perhaps so many of us wouldn't find ourselves in this situation. Thank you again Thanks

RabbityMcRabbit · 04/02/2020 14:51

OP I wanted to add my voice to the many others on here saying well for leaving, PLEASE don't go back. I was you, twice. #1 dragged me out of a hospital bed just after I'd miscarried our child, made me discharge myself and drove me home so I could cook him dinner. #2 never accepted blame for anything and gaslit me every day. When I left I felt so guilty. OP, he will not change. He will not accept any responsibility for anything. Don't fall for any bullshit from him. Stay strong and stay gone xx

champagneandfromage50 · 04/02/2020 15:28

Worried the OP hasn't been back since he called her yesterday morning ....

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2020 15:30

I'd like to say to the OP if you have gone back, we are still here. You don't have to immediately do what MN tells you. You are in an abusive relationship but sometimes it's hard to leave.

We are here no matter what has happened. Thanks

LouHotel · 04/02/2020 15:33

Please ask for this thread to be moved to relationship and keep using it for support whether you’ve gone back or not.

AIBU doesn’t tend to remember that it can take a women numerous attempts to leave an abusive relationship although I’m very much hoping you have.

Kangaroo1 · 04/02/2020 15:38

Oh poppet, I'm so sorry another human is making you feel this way. Whether a pillow or something heavier, he was violent. That is never ever acceptable. You deserve so much better, and he doesn't deserve you. Do your family or friends know he is like this?

Jux · 04/02/2020 16:34

One of hte things which made my dh absolutely fume about his step-dad, was that MIL had to bring him breakfast in bed. She did it for 50 odd years. When she became demented he didn't even do her washing; just let her wander the town in filthy clothes with holes in. He was a rich bastard too. He didn't even try to get her to eat, just let her nibble on biscuits when she fancied them.

He was an abusive old git, but started off OK, and then started making unreasonable demands. His bullying and lack of care started at breakfast, then breakfast in bed, and then ........

She adored him, nevertheless.

Coyoacan · 04/02/2020 16:41

I'd like to say to the OP if you have gone back, we are still here

I second that emotion.

LangittleClegabbage · 04/02/2020 16:52

Yep, still here OP. Hope you are okay.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 04/02/2020 21:00

Totally. Still here for you, OP. Hope you're okay.

Durgasarrow · 05/02/2020 02:20

The idea that you get up to make his breakfast two hours early is incredibly abusive and not okay. You have a terrible power imbalance.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/02/2020 07:31

OP well done on taking that first step of seeking outside support and moving out.

It is only natural that you will probably feel very wobbly and tearful for a while and you will start to feel like you miss him. What you are in fact missing is the person you want him to be (ie him on his good days) but not who he really is (an abuser, or as he put it, a c**t.)

You are so very vulnerable right now so for your own sake I would avoid all contact with him whilst you get on with the business of healing yourself. If you keep lines of communication open, you risk him turning on the charm and hoovering you back in.

In a normal relationship, if there's a problem, you both sit down and talk about it. If it's not "fixable" then one or other of you may feel the only option is to leave. That's what you do: no pushing, no verbal abuse, no throwing of anything and no hitting. There is NO PLACE or EXCUSE in a normal loving relationship for any of those things. They are the actions of someone who wants to control a partner through fear.

Can you imagine a daughter of yours coming to you and telling you that her partner treats her in this way? You wouldn't be downplaying it and saying it was just a pillow, you kind of made a rod for your own back in making his breakfast for him so early! You would see it for the abuse that it is and would be fighting the overwhelming desire to go straight round there to kick him in the nuts and plant a fork in each eye socket want her to get away from him immediately.

Do read the book a PP recommended by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that?" It will tell you why your partner pushes you, verbally abuses you, expects you to make his breakfast for him at unearthly o'clock and hits you with a pillow if you don't and why he says, when you object to this treatment, that you're making a mountain out of a molehill and it's your fault, you made him do it anyway. It really isn't you, it's him.

Best of luck Flowers

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/02/2020 07:45

@worriedfordds
They need to teach this stuff at school and then perhaps so many of us wouldn't find ourselves in this situation.

Completely agree! There is so much useful information on her about DV and abuse.
Never fails to amaze me how many times a seemingly "little" thing is picked up by mners as abuse and then 8 pages in a whole can of worms has been opened!

Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" should be obligatory reading for 16 yr olds!

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