Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

[Milosunshine]

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

To all those posting un-supportive comments: until you've walked in her shoes please don't assume how you might react in a similar situation.

@Milosunshine you are very brave to seek support. Huge well done for taking the first step to a better life for you.

This is crucial. Listen to the part of you saying this is wrong. That part of you is right, but the more you make excuses for his behaviour, the smaller that voice will become until you no longer hear it. You will eventually only hear him and take responsibility for his grotesque actions. You will blame yourself. You will count the ''good'' things and try to convince yourself they 'out weigh' the horrible ones - you will eventually accept so much that you don't realise it's all horror. A relationship is not a zero sum game, that so long as it net's out its healthy.

Please do not under any circumstances seek to 'stand up'' to or challenge this man. The pillow will turn into a fist I can promise you that.The fist will turn into worse. Before you know it you will wake up on the floor and wonder how you got there. It will be because he hit you so hard you became unconscious. If you have yet to have children with this man, whatever you do please do not bring a child into this situation. You will never forgive yourself. The hallmark of such men is that they have no boundaries, they will manipulate people's perception of you, call you crazy, and ultimately make you doubt your own sanity. Others may well see him as a perfect husband, and recoil in horror at the suggestion he has done any of these things. Again, a hall mark of such men, they seek to isolate you so that you seemingly have no where to turn.

It is not easy to leave, and stay away, but it is possible and the only way. Such men DO NOT CHANGE. They may promise to, or behave normally a lot of time but they do not change. There are people who can help you - Women's Aid, the police. Women's Aid will help you even without you ever giving your name. It will take time, and you may decide to stay for now but it is never too late to leave or take steps to protect yourself.

I do hope the many supportive posts here encourage you hold onto the fact that your gut is right, and that hatred is the only natural response to his behaviour. The hate passes (eventually) and is replaced by indifference even pity for such a man.

He hit you because you defied him, simple.

'Not listening' is zero justification for hitting you even if it was true, but in his lexicon 'listening' means 'obeying'.

It is DISGUSTING that he expects you to get up every morning hugely early in order to make his breakfast and lunch. For one thing you both work so why would only one of you make the lunch.

He is abusive and vile. You've done the right thing. Stay strong

You have done the right thing. Like PP have said, a pillow will become a fist. You should be so proud of yourself

Just delurking to say well done OP, he sounds absolutely horrific and living like that is not normal. Find a counsellor or keep posting here, DON’T ever go back.

He is trying to turn it around on you because nothing is ever the fault of the abuser.

I can so identify with this. Ex still doesn't think he's done anything wrong, is still trying to portray himself as the victim to others, even accusing me of an affair (fat chance). One of my DC sent him a message unbeknown to me, about Ex's abusive behaviour towards them, and ex just dismissed it.

He's just worried that people will know he's a cunt.

You're not married to him.

You don't have children with him.

You can cut him off and never have to speak to the prick ever again. If there's a shared mortgage, you can get a solicitor to deal with that for you - and get a non molestation order whilst you're at it.

I would encourage you to report him to the police and get him charged for every single assault and crime he has ever committed against you. That way, anybody else who finds themselves in the position of seeing him has the chance to find out and protect themselves before he shoves them down the stairs for having a miscarriage, with a glass thrown in their face because it was closer to hand than a pillow or killed because they tried to leave. It is your choice - but perhaps seeing that the Law recognises his behaviour is that of an abusive, violent cunt might help you accept that he is one all of the time; it's just that he's pretty good at hiding it at first.

What a prick, get up nice and early in the am: make him a lovely breakfast & lunch laced with laxatives, kick his misogynistic ass out

I'm new to this thread but wanted to say I'm really impressed with how decisively you've acted. Most people in abusive relationships take far too long to leave. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being so strong. And some ice cream.

Try not to listen to his lies and attempts at manipulation. If you go back it'll be that much harder to leave again.

Sorry, no woman should be getting up at 5am to make breakfast and lunch for her presumably capable with all working limbs husband. I don't care if you're SAHM, part time, retired, ain't nobody got time for that. You're not a baby, he is. What the hell are you even making for him, I eat breakfast in about 2mins, making a sandwich would take not much longer.

Truly horrendous man. Please do listen to the fabulous advice you’ve been given here as believe it or not it’s sad but true that us strangers have more compassion for you than this pig of a man who doesn’t deserve you. Also please please please do not inflict him as a father on any future children.

So pleased you left op! It took me 8 years and two children together and many, many 'incidents' before I did. I had him arrested once when he threw me into the bathroom but he managed to convince me it was all my fault. He was careful not to physically hurt me after that so it was verbal and emotional abuse. He was abusive to my two older children. They mess with your mind so much you don't know the woods from the trees. We split a few times during the 8 years but I always took him back as he promised to change. The longer it goes on, the more they wear you down and once you have children together the harder it is to leave. He had my 13 year old autistic son pinned to a fence by his neck and I still didn't leave or call the police. I was so scared and trapped. You are now in a tricky bit as others have said he will try and get you back. DON'T GO! He will not change, he will get worse. We are now almost 3 years post separation. He is dragging me to court for the second time in just over a year over the custody of the two younger kids. My older two are still traumatised, the younger two are having difficulties as he continues to be emotionally abusive to them and controlling. I'm on antidepressants after almost (probably did) having a nervous breakdown over the summer. There is a lot of fabulous advice on here, please block him, please get support from women's aid. 💐💐

@Milosunshine Hi againb, here's the thing adults own up to their actions, be they good ones or bad ones. You have communicated on two occasions that he said he did what he did because YOU did not listen. So basically, he refuses to own his abusive behaviour. So hear me - on this:

HE will not change.
IT (meaning the physical abuse) will GET WORSE.
The abuse will escalate.
You are in physical danger.
GET OUT. The faster the better.
Know the time a woman leaves or is in the process of leaving an abusive relationship is the most DANGEROUS time.
Please see someone, check out the Domestic Violence threads and advice on mumsnet and GET OUT FAST.
BE quiet until you can leave or have him removed.
See a solicitor or go to the CAB.
GET OUT.
And when you've done that take some support and classes to learn what a healthy relationship is.
BEst of luck to you OP. It's a tough road but one well worth walking down.

You're very brave Op, don't waver, a happier life is ahead of you.

Save you energy in the mornings for the kids with sen you teach who probably appreciate your efforts and are much mire worthy of them than this arsehole. You sound lovely. I would leave .

Stay strong OP! It’s great to hear that you have left now before getting married to or having kids with this man. It sounds incredibly tough but you have done the right thing. So many tragic threads on here from women who are trapped in abusive relationships or court battles with abusive exes. Sending love and strength to you!

I hope you don’t go round to see him as I’m sure it’s very tempting.
He sounds awful. I’d be telling anyone I know to run a mile.

Oh OP sweetheart , please PLEASE do not go back to him or speak to him or have any further engagement with him whatsoever
I’m so very proud of you for leaving , please keep being strong and don’t let him talk you in to going back , you are worth so much more. As other PPs have said if you need to go back to collect your things then take someone with you or ask the police to accompany you , you won’t be wasting their time or creating an unnecessary fuss , you will be in danger if you go alone
I truly wish you all the luck and love in the world because you deserve it x

Block him on everything and get your post redirected. He will try everything to get you to return. This man does not love, like or respect you. Get any help you possibly can to stay away from him
Your work colleagues are awesome!

Please OP remember he was abusive (verbally and physically) because you didn't want to get up at 5am to bring his tea in bed. Remember.

Leave. And never, ever go back.

He is abusive and won't change. Next time he'll hit you with something harder than a pillow. Don't go back to him. Ever.

I wouldnt conversed with him anymore except for arranging things and even then id get someone else to do it for you

its just a pillow this time whats next?

good luck to you

How long have you been together??

@Milosunshine, so pleased you have managed to get away. I think you need some headspace without your DP trying to excuse or justify his behaviour. Message saying you need some time and will be blocking his number for the next week or two. At the end of this no-contact time, you may have things you want to tell him or you may find that you no longer want to, but some no-contact time will give you the space you need to consider this.

As @WidoWanky suggests, get your finances in order asap so that at least you are able to support yourself without him.

So many posts on here saying LTB, which is so much easier said than done. The fact you have done it is incredible and I am in awe of your strength. 💐

Oh OP. I’m so proud of you for leaving. He’s trying to get into your head and make you second guess yourself. Don’t.

He said it was just a pillow and I was overreacting

But surely the pillow was much more of an overreaction to the minor inconvenience of having to make his own breakfast.

Don't let him gaslight you, OP. You know that nothing you did justifies him attacking you.