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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner hit me with a pillow this morning in anger

517 replies

Milosunshine · 03/02/2020 05:38

I’m aware a pillow isn’t the worst thing you can throw at someone however my partner has gone into an angry outburst because I haven’t made his breakfast this morning. For the past 2 years I have created a rod for my own back and woken up at 5am (2 and half hours before I am due to leave for work) and made his breakfast and lunch. I mentioned last week I was getting tired so at the end of last week he let me lie in. This morning he is infuriated and said it was one off. Just venting really as I feel so emotional and guilty 😞

OP posts:
2beautifullittlemonkeys · 03/02/2020 14:37

@HeadachesByTheDozen well said!

frazzledasarock · 03/02/2020 14:43

OP of course he’s making out you’re the bad one. He’s a classic abuser, he is never ever going to say he is responsible for his own actions.

I tried to make a marriage work with an abuser (hollow laugh). Result I had two very very damaged little dc, one who’s was terrified of all men & one who (still) thinks to a certain extent that she doesn’t matter and if she’s abused that’s something she needs to put up and shut up about. This is directly because my babies were forced to have contact with their abusive father, because you know if it was that bad, why didn’t I call the police, why did I live with him for so long, why did I not tell anyone etc.

I’m away from ex and very happy with my life now, my dc however are still healing and still wary of men.

Don’t be me.

He says you’re making him out to be an abuser, well he damn well is an abuser.

Rally round friends and family, and cry and talk and grieve the relationship you never had.

Please please don’t even consider going back to this abusive man.

I’m currently on maternity leave, dc go to nursery two days a week. DP doesn’t expect anything of me further than being here and sharing our lives with eachother. I haven’t once got up early to make him breakfast. Abusive ex expected me to though, I remember being sick with HG whilst pregnant.... he still expected me to get up and cook for him, being hospitalised was a temporary respite.

TheGreatWave · 03/02/2020 14:45

Loop Talk about sticking the boot in. DA can happen to anyone, it doesn't mean that she can't be good at her job.

OP Stay strong and make sure you have RL support.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2020 14:46

@loopery very helpful and empathetic post...nice

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2020 14:51

Well the best thing about him is that he's consistent. He's not crying, and saying he's devastated with his behaviour, and he'll seek counselling, just give him another chance.

He's saying that if you disagree with him, he'll act like this. He's justified and happy with throwing things at you and calling you names when he doesn't get exactly what he wants. If you go back,or heaven forbid have a child, he will continue and you'll spend your life trying to avoid upsetting him by being his domestic slave. That won't work though because no one is 'perfect' to an abusive man.

I wish you all the strength in the world right now.

iano · 03/02/2020 14:57

Please don't go back op. Thanks
This man does not love you or care for you.

LucyAutumn · 03/02/2020 15:07

Oh OP, well done and what a lovely head teacher/ boss you have. Do not let him manipulate you into coming back and make sure to call the police for harassment if he refuses to leave you alone.

SidneyPrescott · 03/02/2020 15:12

It doesn't matter what he hit you with, the fact is he hit you out of aggression. It just so happens it was with a soft item this time. What if next time it's a remote, or a cup, or a lamp? The aggression shown is the concern here, not the damage he caused you. That's what you need to understand.

You will end up seriously injured if you do not escape now. You've made the first step. Keep going!

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2020 15:16

Glad to see you have left already OP.. this man is a gas lighting prick... and he cannot even see it... surprise surprise.. Hmm

I'm stunned you were getting up at 5am to make him breakfast...WTF..

Well done on leaving [flowers[

OnlyTheTitOfTheLangBerg · 03/02/2020 15:23

Just adding to the chorus telling you to stay safe, stay strong and well done for the steps you've taken so far, OP.

It doesn't matter what arguments he tries or justification he pleads. There is nothing that justifies violence or abuse. Simple as that.

He is not a nice person who sometimes abuses you, OP. He is an abuser who sometimes manages to behave nicely. Fundamentally he doesn't like or respect you or he wouldn't be able to bring himself to push you around or throw things at you (or hit you, as will inevitably be next if you go back).

Jux · 03/02/2020 15:24

Milo, please read the opening post of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Reality is a very very wise MNer (who has namechanged now); this is one of the best descriptions of you deserve to have from a relationship. Anything less is not good enough.

You can have a happy life and will meet someone infinitely better than this horrible excuse for a man.

You deserve better than you have right now. You are worth more.

Bananalanacake · 03/02/2020 15:26

Well done on taking the steps to get away. Just think, tomorrow you can stay in bed until 7, no more having to prepare food for a fucking worthless man.

1forAll74 · 03/02/2020 15:27

You are surely enabling this idiot of a man,to walk all over you, but why, I wonder? He is not just an idiot,but a bully also. He sounds like he has anger issues, and definitely has no respect for you.

I you stand up to him, you will perhaps see what type of person he is,so just try it.

KennyRogersWasNotInStarWars · 03/02/2020 15:32

If you read the OPs updated, you will perhaps see she has already done that, so just try it.

Funkycats · 03/02/2020 15:35

Jux what a fabulous thread that is. Everyone should read it!

AvocadoAdvocate · 03/02/2020 16:04

You've mentioned a few times how he said in his defence: "you weren't listening to me." - can I just amend that for you, because what he's really saying is "You weren't obeying me!". That's what he means and that's why he got angry. Please remain strong OP and don't start doubting yourself - you deserve so much more.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/02/2020 16:06

1forAll74
Nice victim blaming

I cannot emphasise this strongly enough
NEVER I repeat NEVER tell someone to stand up to a partner who has already used physical abuse.

He hit her with something because she wasn’t doing what he wanted. What the hell do you think he would do if she was openly defiant?

The most dangerous time for an abused partner is often when they are leaving. That’s why the way the OP left is sensible, no fuss, just decided she wouldn’t go home. That is also why people sometimes need a bit of time to get things sorted quietly behind the scenes before the LTB.

NewMinouMinou · 03/02/2020 16:19

Very good point, Avocado. Good catch there.

My sister left some overly much like this knobber. She was almost 42 at the time and swore off men forever.
She is with a guy who cooks for her sometimes (he’s not great at it, but does it because he wants to share this load). They don’t live together, but have been an item for years now and the best thing about him is that he encourages her to run that extra lap/get in that canoe/apply for that promotion. He does all this because he doesn’t see her as a domestic appliance or a possession but as someone who can achieve things in her own right. Her ex-H didn’t let her work/socialise or any, really.
You’ll find someone like that too, if you want. For now, just gather yourself back together and heal.

Coyoacan · 03/02/2020 16:30

My dd was in a violent relationship with a fella who was otherwise enchanting. They really were like soul-mates, except when he got violent. Then she would leave, with my help, and go back to him a couple of weeks later.

Then they brought a baby into the mix and he attacked her when the baby was two months old. Fortunately she finally had the sense to realise that the baby shouldn't be exposed to this and they split up for good, but the baby was traumatised (very angry crying) and took a good two weeks to get over that one incident.

If she had gone back to him with the baby I would have called social services.

So OP, it is going to be very hard for you to stay away but if you decide to go back, remember that you cannot bring children into this toxic relationship.

Jux · 03/02/2020 16:32

FunkyCats, isn't it great?! It used to be stickied at the top of the Relationships board, not sure if it is any more (it should be imo), but I have it bookmarked so I can find and c&p it easily. There are many people who have benefitted from Reality's wisdom and way with words over the years.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/02/2020 16:36

@Milosunshine

Firstly, well done for finding the strength to talk to people in real life, for making plans to leave and for telling him this. That's a HUGE amount to achieve in just one day.

He sounds awful. And you deserve so much better. He is gaslighting you now.

And as for his comment that everyone will now think he’s a c well, pretty sure most of us on here already do!!!

We also think you're amazing for standing up to this. Well done. Flowers

pilates · 03/02/2020 16:59

Op, firstly well done for leaving and just remember he will try and use every trick in the book to make it your fault for his awful behaviour. Stay strong.

NettleTea · 03/02/2020 17:09

To be honest it doesnt matter how many nice things he does, if he treats you like shit at other times, if he lashes out verbally or physically (even at inanimate objects), if he throws a tantrum when he doesnt get serviced in all ways, then he IS a cunt

NettleTea · 03/02/2020 17:13

and also please get reading up on the script because he will use it ALL to get you back, and you need to be prepared for it.
The best way would be to send a last text (please dont speak to him) saying that the relationship isnt working for you and you dont want any contact, and to block him
Then, if he tries ANY other way to contact you, ignore anything he says (it will be The Script) and tell him/email/ whatever way he has managed to contact you BECAUSE HE WILL that its not up for discussion and if he contacts you again you will call the police.
If he turns up at your cousins house DO NOT LET HIM IN
In fact at this point please dont speak to him at all or allow yourself to be face to face with him without someone else present, or pref not at all.
if he is knocking, send your cousin out to tell him to go away
if he turns up at your work head inside as quickly as possible and get someone to tell him to go away
if he doesnt, call the police.

NettleTea · 03/02/2020 17:15

and get into the freedom programme asap. you can do it online. do you have access to counselling at work? You need to shore up your boundaries pretty damn quick to stop you being vulnerable to his claims, because he is going to go for all your weak spots.
you need to learn to hate him for how he has treated you, and see how very very wrong it is. That will come. Then, when you are indifferent (which comes later) you will be immune to the tricks and will see through them

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